Devoted (14 page)

C
oming
home to an empty apartment for the first time in only a few days was far harder than Jake had expected.

He’d lived alone since college, but he’d never felt so completely isolated before. There was a dangerous comfort back then in knowing he could just head over to Russ and Carrie’s place, and then a different kind of comfort once it had become just Russ’s place. It wasn’t an option now, and he knew he had no one to blame for that but himself.

It wasn’t just the appointment. This whole plan was predicated by a selfish desire; he knew that now. And for a short while, he’d been able to live that desire far more than he ever would have imagined. He’d gotten a taste of what having Russ to himself might be like, but he knew he would never be completely satisfied until it was
real
.

And he couldn’t ask for that. Whatever this was to Russ, it was temporary. A brief period of discovery, after which he’d move on with his life. Find some nice woman to settle down with; someone who could be a great mom to Ryan. Someone who was everything Jake couldn’t be.

That would kill him. He already knew it would.

So the instant he’d gotten home, he’d opened up his laptop and started making a plan. He typed up his thoughts, from the best way to annul the marriage, to the least disruptive way to slowly remove himself from Russ and Ryan’s life. It was the only way.

He’d managed to form a few scattered thoughts into an explanation, and now he stared at the cursor as it blinked right after the words “Dear Russ.” He didn’t plan on doing this in a letter, but it was the best way to figure out what he wanted to say. He’d only managed to type, and delete, a few words when he heard a knock at the door.

Jake’s brow furrowed. He really wasn’t in the mood for company, but he guessed it was Lynn popping by to make sure he hadn’t cracked into a bottle or twelve. His fridge wasn’t even stocked; the worst he had was an untouched bottle of Jack in the cabinet, so she had nothing to worry about.

Best to put on a convincing face and get her to go away so he could make plans to rip out his still-beating heart in peace.

“You’re wasting your time,” he told her, unlocking the door. “I’m not going to—”

But it wasn’t Lynn on the other side, wearing an expression of pity. It was Russ.

Jake sucked in a breath, torn between the urge to throw his arms around the man before him, and the self-preserving need to shut the door in his face.

He did neither of those things, keeping his feet firmly planted on his side of the door as he warily studied Russ. He looked like hell; worse than he’d looked even after Ryan’s surgery.

Had he looked that bad when Jake left that morning? Like the life had been stolen from his eyes?

“Can I come in?”

Russ’s voice was ragged, and he reached up to run a hand through his wild hair. The harsh light glinted off of a piece of metal, and Jake’s heart leaped into his throat when he realized what it was.

Russ was wearing his wedding band. The wedding band Jake had slipped onto his finger.

Letting out a shaky breath, he opened the door wider, inviting Russ in. He had no idea what to say, so he settled for offering him a drink.

But Russ didn’t seem all that concerned with small talk.

“I came here to apologize,” he said.

The only sound was that of the door falling softly closed behind Russ. Jake just stared at him, his thoughts tangled up in every emotion under the sun.

“For what?” He finally managed. “You aren’t the one who lied to your best friend.”

A flicker of hurt passed through Russ’s eyes, stealing the breath from Jake’s lungs.

“Is that all we are right now?”

No. Please, let that not be it.

He wanted to scream the words; yell them until his throat was raw. Until he was sure they would stick, and wouldn’t instead be thrown back at him. Russ would never intentionally hurt him. He knew that. But there were so many ways Russ could absolutely crush him; ways he didn’t even realize.

“Look,” Russ continued, “I hate that you lied to me. I hated thinking that… that you didn’t have any faith in me. That you didn’t think I could handle it on my own.”

“Russ, I would never think that.”

At least he found his voice when it was important.

“I know. I know you were just trying to do a nice thing, and I threw it back in your face.”

“You had every right to be angry.” Jake scowled, trying to stalk away from him. He didn’t deserve Russ’s understanding. Not for this.

But Russ caught his arm, his grip gentle, but still determined. Jake drew in a long breath, letting it out in a shaky exhale. He couldn’t look at Russ. He wouldn’t be able to say what needed to be said if he did.

“I should’ve never suggested this. Us. This fake marriage… it’s only caused you more problems.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Larson,” Russ said immediately, and Jake couldn’t help but look back at him. “This marriage—your support—it’s been the only thing keeping me together. It’s made me realize things I would’ve just kept ignoring otherwise.”

Jake held his breath. He could practically feel the weight of his heart in his palm, held out for Russ to take. Or to crush. It would only take a few words, either way.

“There’s nothing fake about it to me, Jake. It’s the only thing that feels real to me.”

He could feel his heart beating out of his chest, pounding out a rhythm that matched the sudden surge of desperate hope.

Russ couldn’t mean what he thought he meant. But before he could say anything—before he could shatter the illusion—Russ’s hand moved from his arm, up to the side of his face.

It was an affectionate gesture, but Jake held onto it as a lifeline. He leaned into the touch, and Russ closed the distance between them in an instant, tilting his forehead against Jake’s.

That simple contact made his heart swell nearly to the point of bursting, and the kiss that followed was almost too much. Sweet and tender and so much more than a simple kiss.

Russ’s lips tested and tasted, almost asking permission. Jake gave freely; wantonly. A soft moan caught in his throat as Russ’s tongue stroked him, and that was all it took to turn a tentative make-up kiss into something else entirely.

One of Russ’s hands wound into his hair, the other clutched at his shoulder. Jake’s hands sought purchase at the back of Russ’s neck, with one gripping his arm. Forward momentum carried them deeper into the apartment, and Jake’s back hit the wall, rattling a frame and sending it clattering to the floor.

He couldn’t care less. Russ was the very air he breathed, the tether keeping him from losing his feeble grip on sanity.

As Russ yanked up his shirt, he wasn’t sure he hadn’t lost it already.

Their eyes met, heat burning between them, passion and frenzy and need all culminating in a blaze of fierce desire. Russ’s lips crushed to his, and he didn’t hold back his moans, pulling the other man to him greedily.

He tugged at Russ’s shirt, eager to feel hot skin beneath his fingertips. He wasn’t disappointed as his hands ran up the firm muscle of Russ’s abs and chest before Russ gripped his ass, bringing them together skin to skin.

A whimper caught in his throat, and any sense of restraint was cast aside when he felt the hard ridge of Russ’s erection straining against his jeans.

Another searing kiss made him even more desperate, and when Russ’s lips moved from his mouth, down to his jaw and further still, he thought he might start begging.

Not all of Jake’s fantasies had been slow and sensual. Sometimes passion consumed them both, and Russ was filled with an overwhelming need to have him; just as strong as Jake’s need to be completely possessed.

His fantasies had nothing on the reality of the moment, though, as Russ curled his tongue against the flat of Jake’s nipple. Jake cried out, arching against him, gripping tighter into Russ’s hair.

He felt Russ’s hands reach for his pants, tugging hard on the button. They were undone without any finesse, and Jake was sure the zipper was broken in the process, but he didn’t fucking care. The instant Russ’s hand was on him, pulling him free of his briefs, he was lost completely.

“Oh, fuck,” he moaned, and Russ answered him with a sexy growl, moving from one nipple to the other, then down to his abdomen.

Russ gripped his cock firmly, tracing a path of open-mouthed kisses along his stomach, following the light dusting of hair. His breath caught in his throat as he realized what Russ was after.

His mouth worked, but only a helpless moan came out as his knees buckled. Russ dropped down before him, his hands on Jake’s thighs, and the sight was practically enough to unravel him.

He thought Russ might immediately engulf his aching cock, but when he met his gaze, he saw a flicker of uncertainty.

“You don’t have to do this,” Jake assured him, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“I want to.” Russ’s voice was rough and raspy, filled with an almost palpable lust. “I wanted to in college. Just… tell me if I fuck up, okay? I want you to feel good.”

Jake could have laughed at that. He already felt amazing.

“Just do whatever would feel good for you. I’ll let you know what I like.”

He loosened his grip in Russ’s hair, stroking affectionately. Seeing Russ staring up at him, so eager to please… it was more than he’d ever dreamed of.

And then he felt the tip of Russ’s tongue, running along the underside of his cock. He tried to grab onto something with his free hand, but the wall didn’t offer much help. Instead his short nails scraped against the wall.

Russ seemed to take that as a positive affirmation, because he continued, teasing the head of Jake’s cock, swiping his tongue over the slit.

And then Russ took him in his mouth, and every muscle in Jake’s body tensed as he tried to keep from coming right away.

He fought to keep his hips steady, his hands offering gentle encouragement, instead of forceful direction. Russ might not have had the experience to know exactly what to do, but he made up for it in enthusiasm.

When Russ tried to take him all the way, though, Jake knew enthusiasm was only going to get him so far. It felt amazing, but he guided Russ back to mostly engulfing the head of his cock, using his hand to move up and down the shaft in time with his lips.

It didn’t take much before Jake felt a familiar tightness. He gripped Russ’s shoulders, his voice hoarse as he let out a plea. “Too close.”

When Russ let him go, Jake took that moment to pull him back to his feet, kissing him fiercely. He could taste himself on Russ’s lips, and he’d never experienced anything more erotic in his life.

But still he wanted more.

Tugging off his underwear and kicking out of his pants, he dropped to his knees in front of Russ. Russ’s eyes were almost glassy as he stared down at him, and Jake wasted no time.

He drew Russ into his mouth, getting his first taste of his skin, velvety smooth against his tongue. Russ’s hips bucked, and Jake kept hold of him, allowing only a few jerky movements.

Reaching down, he gripped a hand around his aching cock as he sucked Russ. When Russ’s moans pitched a little deeper, he knew he was getting close, and he reluctantly eased up, staying on his knees in front of the man he’d wanted for almost twenty years.

“I want to feel you inside of me.”

It was close to a plea, and if begging was what it took to get it, then Jake was happy to oblige.

R
uss had never been more turned
on in his life.

He hadn’t intended for this to happen. He’d just come to apologize, not to practically maul Jake once they were a few feet away from the front door. But once that spark lit between them, he wasn’t able to stop. The fire consumed him, bringing to life a deep, seemingly insatiable desire; a yearning that was bordering on desperate.

And with just a few words, Jake had almost turned that desperation into a complete frenzy.

I want to feel you inside of me.

Fuck. Russ wanted that, too. He ached for it.

He’d always thought that if they got to this stage, he’d slow things down; ask what Jake preferred, and figure out what he liked, too. But there wasn’t any need to go slow. Not this time. Jake had stated exactly what he wanted, and Russ found his desires synced up perfectly with Jake’s.

There was only one problem.

“I didn’t bring anything with me,” he said breathlessly, looking down at those stormy blue eyes that were glazed over with lust.

“In the bedroom.”

Jake got to his feet, and Russ pulled him back into a desperate kiss. He pressed his body against Jake’s, reluctant to move but for the fact that they somehow needed to make it to the bedroom. Step by stumbled step they eventually ended up in the doorway, and Jake broke away to lead him inside.

Russ took that opportunity to watch him; watch the way he moved, his lean body filled with a grace and power that was mesmerizing. Every single movement fanned the flames, until Russ felt himself being nearly consumed. He’d never wanted anyone more than he wanted Jake right now. He was sure of that.

“Top drawer,” Jake said, and Russ wasted no time.

He broke into a packet, rolling a condom down over his aching dick. Jake took the lube, applied a generous amount of it, and helped slick him up, jerking him slowly. He warmed more lube in the palm of his hand before reaching around behind himself.

Fuck, why was something so simple so hot?

“Do you need more time?” He asked, squeezing the base of his cock so that he had any hope of granting that time.

He shook his head. “No. Just go slow.”

Go slow. He could do that. At least, he hoped he could. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Jake, but
fuck
.

The bed creaked as Jake got onto it, his hands and knees pressing against the mattress. Russ bit back a groan. As tempting as that position was—and it was tempting—he wanted something… more. It took him a moment to realize what, and he hoped he didn’t sound ridiculous asking for it.

“I want to see your face when I fuck you.”

He saw the shiver that ran through Jake, and caught the flash of heat in his eyes when he looked at Russ over his shoulder. Turning over, Jake lay on his back, grabbing a pillow and using it to prop his ass up, angling his hips. Russ climbed onto the bed and on top of Jake, claiming his lips once more.

As much as he wanted him, he wanted more than just the physical satisfaction. He wanted a connection. This moment had come along faster than Russ would ever have anticipated, but it still carried a certain weight with it.

Even if he couldn’t express his emotions in so many words yet, he didn’t want Jake to think he was just… convenient; that Russ was just lonely and willing to experiment. That wasn’t it at all.

Breaking the kiss, Russ got himself into position, pulling Jake closer to him. Jake’s gaze was fixated on him, and there was a plea in his needy eyes and his softly parted lips.

Gripping a hand around the base of his cock, Russ pressed slowly into him. He didn’t encounter as much resistance as he expected, but he still took his time, afraid to even breathe too heavily. After a few long moments, he’d only managed a few inches.

“Not that slow,” Jake said with a breathless laugh.

Russ let out the breath he’d been holding, caught off guard by his own laugh. This was so not how he’d imagined things going, but the very fact that he and Jake could share a laugh while Russ was
inside of him
felt like the perfect summation of what he wanted their relationship to be.

Bolstered by that knowledge, he pushed forward, smoothly seating himself inside of Jake. A moan overtook him, a shudder wracking his body at the overwhelming sensation of being completely encased and gripped tight. Jake’s expression was momentarily frozen in pleasure, and Russ seized on that, focusing on bringing Jake closer to the edge.

He built to a slow rhythm, his elbows braced on the bed, his arms behind Jake, holding him close. His thrusts weren’t especially powerful, but they were deep, and Jake’s keening moans made it seem like he was on the right track.

“Oh, God, Russ. Yes. Just like that.”

The words were said in a ragged murmur near his ear, and Russ groaned, another shudder coursing through him. He rolled his hips, and when his pace increased, so too did the frequency of Jake’s moans. Russ was too far gone to draw it out, though. The way Jake squeezed around him, the breathy way he said his name, it was too much.

When he felt Jake finally shatter in his arms, he gave himself over to the tension that coiled tight within him. His release came faster than he expected, and he let out a hoarse shout as his body was wracked with pleasure. Jake clung to him, and the intensity of the moment rendered him all but helpless as emotion swelled inside of him.

The words were practically on the tip of his tongue, but he was breathless, his heart racing as he tried to come back down from such a high. By the time he felt like he was able to function again, his limbs were heavy and all he wanted to do was curl himself close against Jake and never let go.

Russ should be terrified of this feeling; this dependence that surged through him. But instead he welcomed it, knowing the real world would make its demands soon enough. Ryan still had his appointment, after all; he still needed to find out if the surgery had been a success.

For now, though, he could enjoy a few more blissful moments. With Jake, he didn’t have to be anything more than what he was. Somehow he knew Jake accepted him for that. And whatever happened over the next few weeks, Russ wouldn’t let himself forget this moment.