Devil's Valley (23 page)

Following the opening prayer, Mr Brother (Holy) Lermiet gave an extensive account of the critical circumstances in which the settlement found itself. “It pleased God our Almighty Father more than a century and a half ago to lead a handful of whites from the wilderness of the outside world to this haven,” he said. “Under his guidance we have laboured to maintain the purity of Christianity and civilisation in the face of all onslaughts. Today we find ourselves before an ordeal which may bring about our end. Because where can we turn to? We have taken root in this place, we have bought this small tract of earth with the sweat of our brow and the blood of our bodies, and here we shall die if we must. For it is better to perish in the land the Lord has granted us than to live abroad among the fleshpots of Egypt. Therefore, if God should summon us to die, then let us say Thy will be done. But if there is mercy and forgiveness of sins still to be found, so that we may survive and thrive in the blessings of His rain, let us avail ourselves of the opportunity to set things right between us and him.”

After that the prayer-meeting was opened to the floor. Here follow extracts from some of the more striking prayers. Out of respect for the sensitivity of our readers expletives have been deleted where necessary.

The Late Mr Lukas (Seer) Lermiet

“God, yes, look, we didn’t mean to bother You today, but these are bad times and a man can’t just lie smelling his own (expletive deleted). I don’t know how well You know Jurg Water, but we kept on hoping he would find something with his divining rod. But now any tick can see he’s (expletive deleted) useless, which is why we’re talking to You under four eyes today. You know me as a man who doesn’t beat about the bush. I’m not like that great-great-great-greatgrandchild of mine, Lukas Death, who shies away when you corner him. Nor like Petrus Tatters who’s such a liar one never knows what to believe, especially when he starts tearing up cloths with the widow of old Giel Eyes. Nor like Brother Holy who picks his words from the Tree of Knowledge when they’re still green, while everybody knows all he really thinks about is (expletive deleted). I go straight to the fountain’s eye. So You’d better listen if I tell You about the (expletive deleted) this drought has already caused us. If You would take the trouble to walk from where I usually sit up there at the Gateway with the goats, and You follow the route I staked out when I first came down here with my family, along the Bird Krans and below the Honey Krans, past the Bushman pictures where Strong-Lukas’s name was written to honour his memory, You can go and look for Yourself if You don’t believe me, and then You cut down past Accident Bend, across Breakneck Heights and Hard-Times Hollow and Breakyoke, then down Jacob’s Ladder to Griet’s Hole, past Snow Neck and Give-up, through the straits of So-help-me-God and Crynot and Tightballs, and then right past Great-Sorrow to Nebo’s Point, and from there to Breathless towards Mina’s Pisshole, all along the riverbed to the Tree-of-Knowledge and Mooi-Janna’s Pool, I hope You’re still with me: I’m saying that if You follow that road, right through our valley from Rotgut to Hans Magic’s hut, which he should really start cleaning up, the place smells like (expletive deleted), then all You see is just drought and desolation. If I were You, God, I’d be (expletive deleted) ashamed of myself. No one among us would let his house go to ruin like that, excepting Ouma Liesbet Prune who is past the age of accountability and Ben Owl who is too (expletive deleted) hopeless to do anything about it, then he’d have had his (expletive deleted) kicked well and proper. Have You no pride in Your handiwork any more? No father I know of, apart from that (expletive deleted) Jurg Water, treats his children so badly, but he’s only second-generation so he doesn’t know any better and there’s no excuse for Yourself. You think You can get away with murder. You’re very quick to claim the honour if things go well, but now that the world is (expletive deleted) You think You can wipe Your (expletive deleted) on us. So all I want to say, God, is that it’s time to pull finger. And we don’t want a little (expletive deleted) rain that’s like an old woman’s (expletive deleted). It’s life and death now, and what we need is a flood of blessings. You remember what old Ezekiel said about their issue like the issue of horses, well, that’s the kind of rain we need today. Anything less than that You can turn sideways and push up Your (expletive deleted). Amen.”

Mr Isak (Smous) Lermiet a.k.a. Koen

“Well, God, You have heard what Grandpa Lukas had to say, and I hope You know how to separate the wheat from the chaff, because the devil in him has never come to rest and for a man of his age he still talks a lot of (expletive deleted). Please forgive him for talking about himself all the time, You will remember that my late father always said pride comes before a fall, but I suppose he can’t help it, it runs in the Lermiet blood, and I thank You that in Your wisdom You allowed a trickle of Koen blood to be mixed into it, otherwise You alone would know where we’d be today, as it is we already have our hands full with all Your mistakes running around in the streets, it’s because this lot can’t stop (expletive deleted), but like Your servant Joshua said, As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Now where was I? We all know it is the sin of the Lermiets that is still visited upon us, but if You can find it in Your heart to show this (expletive deleted) lot some mercy, I beseech You to let it rain, otherwise we shall have to consider packing up our belongings and trekking away. Don’t You have eyes in Your head, Lord, to see the wretched state we’re in? If our hearts must be cleansed first, then I propose You start with Petrus Tatters and Job Raisin and Smith-the-Smith and Peet Flatfoot and all those who are so (expletive deleted) in sin, and eradicate it from them. And for those of us who know the weakness of the flesh, please preserve us from Bettie Teat and Henta Peach and all the other (expletive deleted) who cavort among us and cause our (expletive deleted) to plague us by day and by night. And please tell the members of this congregation that I still have a few pounds of sugar and some Mauser bullets at the old price, and enough chintz for three women’s dresses and one for a girl, provided she’s not too big in the (expletive deleted). I thank you humbly, God, and you can take that as Amen too.”

The Late Mr Giel (Eyes) Lermiet

“God Almighty, I won’t be long, but I’ve got to tell You something. You have heard what the (expletive deleted) Isak Smous just said. Now if he was the only one, You could have treated it with the contempt it deserves. But as it happens, over the past few weeks we have heard that a number of other people in the valley are also beginning to talk about trekking away to get out of this dry place. Now on behalf of all the dead I just want to say this: they know (expletive deleted) well that they can’t go away without taking us with them, because no self-respecting, godfearing person can leave the dead behind to decay among the weeds of the wilderness. But there are so many of us that it is simply impossible to dig us all up, and furthermore we don’t want to have our bones disturbed. If Petrus Tatters thinks he can move away just to (expletive deleted) my wife at night when no one sees he’s got another thing coming. So the sooner they forget about trying to slink away and dishonour the dead, the better. And the easiest way to put an end to all this nonsense is just to bring some rain. If You did Your duty in the first place, none of this would have happened. Thank You and Amen.”

Mr Jurg (Water) Lermiet

“Lord, this bunch of (expletive deleted) have been talking so much (expletive deleted) that Your ears must be burning. I’d rather greet a puff-adder by hand than have to put up with their (expletive deleted). But by this time I’m sure You know them for the (expletive deleted) they are, so all I can say is (several expletives deleted). You know I’ve always said it’s no (expletive deleted) use to keep the (expletive deleted) kaffirs and the (expletive deleted) English out of the valley while among ourselves we are worse than (expletive deleted). So I’m asking You today to look into their (expletive deleted) hearts, otherwise they’ll (expletive deleted) You round every corner. I mean, take Tall-Fransina. Last Tuesday she sold me a jar of witblits for a basket of dried apricots and a basket of raisins, and half of it was heads and tails. If that (expletive deleted) can’t tell where heads end and hearts begin, it’s time she shoved her (expletive deleted) still into her (expletive deleted) and started (expletive deleted) her cats. And don’t forget about Grandpa Lermiet. Just because he’s dead and unable to (expletive deleted) he begrudges the rest of us a bit of (expletive deleted). These are the people who have a lot to say about another man’s (expletive deleted). Meantime this place is going to (expletive deleted). There is no drop of water left in this valley or I would have found it, trust me. I know this place better than You do and I’ve been scouring the kloofs without a twitch in my rod, the thing is as useless as a (two expletives deleted). If You don’t start raining on us You shouldn’t blame us if we (several expletives deleted). Amen.”

Mrs Poppie (Fullmoon) Lermiet

“Father, You’ve heard enough from the menfolk for a while, so let me tell You a few home truths as a woman. They’re quick when it comes to talking, but when action is needed there isn’t much (expletive deleted) in their (expletive deleted), You can take my word for it. I’ve known most of them since the time they first (expletive deleted), and I can tell You they’re useless. It takes a woman like me to get things done. I’m used to fetching and carrying and keeping body and soul together from dawn to dusk, and You better believe me there isn’t much gratitude around. But all I’m asking, Father, is that You should do unto us as you did to Sodom and Gomorrah. I mean, if there are two or three women in this place who are worth their salt, like Lot’s wife, then please save the place for our sakes. And don’t just save it, Father, because too much saving can lead to (expletive deleted). What we need is for You to start doing Your bit. You created heaven and earth, as You keep telling us in Genesis, and You brought Your chosen people here, but then You just abandoned us. That’s not the way to do it. If You’ll forgive my saying so, it’s just like a man, never cleans up after himself and always expects others to do his dirty work for him. But we can’t make it rain, so now it’s up to You. It is fast becoming an embarrassment and a disgrace. There are some people around here, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, I visit all the houses, who have taken to washing their faces in their own (expletive deleted). And I’m afraid You have to take the blame for it. In the early days our people could still say, Whatever happens is the will of God; and if it is no longer his will, then let us trek. But here we are stuck, on account of Grandpa Lukas’s (expletive deleted) leg, and on account of what old Giel Eyes told You, so we can’t get out and we can’t trek away, we’re caught in this narrow place, and You are the one who must now save us. So please start doing something about it and don’t let us have to tell You again. Amen.”

Mr Hans (Magic) Lermiet

“Lord, I have no wish to add my little stream of (expletive deleted) to the flood of (expletive deleted) You have already heard. I told them to keep their mouths clear of the weather, that way it stays whole. But they won’t listen. And all this praying won’t help either, because it won’t rain unless the wind is right. But this is another bucket of coals, and since they refuse to listen and keep on sowing suspicion, I just want to ask You: please take that wind and turn it right and let it rain. I thank You in anticipation. Amen.”

I
F ALL THE words wasted in prayer that afternoon had been water, the Devil’s Valley would have been flooded by nightfall. And as it was, I didn’t hear half of it, because I left long before it was over.

Just as Hans Magic was winding up his prayer someone in one of the front benches in the women’s block fainted. It came as no surprise, what with all the doors and windows being closed and the late-summer sun blazing outside; and with the heavy odour of a crowd of bodies that hadn’t seen water for some time, Hans Magic’s worst of all, it was hard to breathe. I was beginning to feel dizzy myself. And the depressing memories of my childhood stirred up by the service didn’t help either.

The commotion in the women’s block put a spoke in the fucking wheel. It took several minutes before one could make out what was happening in that throng of bustling bodies. As it turned out, it was Henta. Tant Poppie and a few of the other women dragged her out from under the pew where she’d fallen, and surrounded by rather more helpers than were called for she was carried to the vestry behind the pulpit.

Among them I recognised Dalena, Lukas Death’s wife, efficient and no-nonsense; but it was someone else who really made me shake off the heavy drowsiness that was paralysing me. Emma. Her narrow body in the long dark dress that flared around her legs; the attitude of her head, the dark hair once again piled high. By this time the next person to offer prayers was already on his feet. All the eyes dutifully turned to him. Except mine. That was why I noticed Emma hesitating just below the pulpit stairs, so briefly that no one not alert to it would have noticed. Her eyes moved quickly along the pews. It could have been my imagination, but I was sure she was looking for me. And the moment she found me among the potatoes and cabbages in the male block she made just the slightest gesture with her head before she walked on. A last swing of her dress, like a curtain moving in front of a window, and then she was gone.

Rely on Intuition

I was tempted to follow immediately. But I wasn’t born yesterday, so I stayed on for a while. The new speaker was already swept away by the tide of his communion with Our Lord and Heavenly Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, who will come to judge the quick and the dead; but my attention soon wandered while I waited for the best moment to leave. As it happened, the speaker was just beginning to rev up the old engine for the inevitable descent into hell when Prickhead in front of me developed a nosebleed and stumbled from the overcrowded pew in search of fresh air. I gave him a handicap of two paragraphs and three expletives deleted before an uncontrollable cough sent me off after him.