Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (74 page)

To him, it was the one place I never belonged.

It wasn’t only Ace who stood in the way of our happily-ever-after. The power of a person’s past has a way of risking their future.

Travis’s past jeopardized it all.

DEDICATION

To the readers of Devil’s Despair,

As the series comes to a close, I want to thank you for sticking with the group through all of their laughter, tears, and antics. This final book is dedicated to you.

Thank you,

Carrie

Stand:

To remain firm or steadfast, as in a cause.

CHAPTER ONE

November last year
. . .

Travis

“ARE YOU GONNA
stand there all evening, or mosey on in and say hi?” Bean asked, waving at me from her bed in the sterile hospital room she’d found herself in, yet
again.

I checked my watch; I was a few minutes early, but hadn’t thought I’d be the first to arrive. “No one’s gotten here yet?”

Bean laughed. It was her birthday, and the group of us she called her adopted family was supposed to be there at four o’clock. It seemed everyone was running late.

Bean hated tardiness.

“No. Ace called. Sarah’s driving him crazy and Deck’s giving Rae a hard time. And you know Hayden’s never on time.”

I nodded my agreement. Hayden was always late, but since he married my sister, Lacey, and had his daughter, Olivia, he had become ten times worse. Sarah had been driving Ace nuts since she moved in with him, per Bean’s encouragement. But at least she wouldn’t be alone while Bean tried, once again, to get herself well enough to go home.

“Is it nice outside?” Bean asked, always concerned with the weather.

I gave her the simple answer. “It’s cool out there today.”

“I bet,” she returned, looking down at her hands. I noticed Sarah had painted her nails that week as usual. It was always their routine, for as far back as I could remember.

Grabbing the chair from the corner of the room, I pulled it close, took a seat, and asked, “What do you wanna do for your birthday?”

Bean smiled quickly. “Bust an old woman out of here?”

“Can’t do that. Anything else?”

“I’d like to be with all my kids.” Just like Bean, blood or not, we all belonged to her. “Can you send some words on your phone and tell them all to hurry. I’m gonna be tired after I eat.”

“Sarah’s bringing her German Chocolate cake,” I reminded her. “She made it this morning. I called while she was using the mixer. She wasn’t happy about my timing, but she never is.”

Leaning her head back on her pillow, she sighed. “Sarah’s German Chocolate cake sounds wonderful.”

“Sarah’s good at baking.”

“She is,” she agrees. “She’s a good person, too. Not to mention she’s my favorite granddaughter.” Bean smiled at her own joke. Sarah was her only granddaughter.

I returned her smile with a grin of my own and told her, “I’ll text them now.”

Bean’s hand, bruised from numerous IVs, rose to signal me to stop doing what she asked. “I’ve changed my mind. I never get to talk to you alone anymore, Travis. Let’s you and I have a chat.”

The last time I remembered Bean and me having a heart-to-heart conversation was when she gave me pictures she had taken of all of us when we were young. She wanted me to have them in case something ever happened to her. She did it with everyone; Ace, Hayden, Toby, and Sarah each got their own pile, along with a pre-prepared speech from her regarding the direction our lives were headed. Anytime we needed a good ass-chew, she found a way to do it so we’d listen.

I sensed another ass-chew coming, but I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve it. “Not a lot to talk about.”

“I think there is.”

There was always something on Bean’s mind.

“Want to talk about Hayden?” I tried persuasion.

“We could, but I’d rather talk about you.”

“All right, Bean,” I answered, pulling my chair closer to her bed and making myself comfortable next to her. I looked at my watch again, hoping at the same time anyone would walk through the door to interrupt what was about to happen.

“I wanted to thank you for taking care of Sarah for me,” she started.

“I haven’t really done much.”

“You have,” she answered. “You’ve been there for her more than I think you or she realizes.”

“I annoy her. That’s what she tells me.”

Bean laughed, her belly shaking with her small laughter. “Everyone annoys our girl. Everyone.”

Our girl.

“Well, apparently, I have a knack for it.”

“Sarah’s growing up, and sooner or later she’s going to look back and realize that you’re her person and always have been.”

“Her person for what?” I asked, unsure of her meaning.

“Her witness to her life, Travis,” she answered, and I felt the air leave my chest. Bean caught it and continued explaining. “Ace tries with her, but she doesn’t listen. I always knew it’d take someone truly special to get through her stubborn head.”

“She is stubborn,” I confirmed.

Sarah has always been extremely stubborn. More so than her brother, Ace, and that speaks volumes.

“And a little nuts.” Bean smiled with memories. “Do you remember when Raegan came into our lives?”

“Yes.”

“Seems like so long ago, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does.” It had been about four years, but felt like so much longer.

“Ace wasn’t sure about the two of them. He so was hung up on . . . who was that girl again?”

“Sadey.”

“Ahhh, that’s her name.” She snapped her fingers in recognition. “I didn’t think he’d ever let go of her. I never met her, and I’m sure she’s a wonderful person, but you can be a wonderful person and still not be enough if you’re with the
wrong
person.”

“I know. He about fucked it up with Rae because of her.”

My comment was returned with a raised eyebrow of frustration, but I smirked my way out of it. Bean hated for any of us to cuss. It was ironic that Sarah and Ace were hers by blood and the rest of our group wasn’t. The two of them were worse than any of us.

“He did about mess that up,” she said, rephrasing my answer. “Thankfully, my boy opened up his heart and finally saw Rae and Deck for who they were to him.” When I didn’t assume to know what she meant, she clarified, “His life’s saviors.”

“Rae’s good for Ace.”

She agreed. “That girl’s one in a million.”

“Yes.”

“And Hayden,” she continued. “He was something else entirely. Goodness, I didn’t think we’d
ever
get him where he was supposed to be.”

“With Lacey,” I confirmed.

“Beautiful girl, your sister. Scrappy, too. I’ve always liked that about her.”

I nodded in agreement. My sister was a handful, and at times, I think she’s more so of one than Sarah. With Sarah, you know what you’re getting yourself into if you piss her off. Lacey, on the other hand, waits for you to fuck up and then blasts you with so much disappointment, you’d rather crawl in a hole and die than have to listen to her lectures regarding how bad you’ve fucked up.

“I never thought Hayden would make a life for himself, let alone find someone to share it with. I worried for him, Travis. At his age, most young men were settling down with a job and family, but until Lacey showed up I wasn’t sure I’d live long enough to see him do it. Too bad I was in here for the wedding. I’d have enjoyed watching him squirm his way through those vows.”

Bean had been in and out of the hospital and rehab too many times to count. Some visits home, when she was well enough, only lasted a few days. Her blood pressure and partial left side paralysis from the latest stroke hadn’t been easy for anyone, least of all her.

Her spirit hadn’t dimmed at all, though.

“Now all we have left is you,” she kept going.

Shit.

“And Sarah,” she finished.

Fuck.

“Sarah and Devon seem to be doin’ okay.” I reminded her of Sarah’s current relationship and watched as Bean’s eyes narrowed.

After graduating from high school in May, Sarah had been working at the diner downtown. She’d told Bean she wasn’t interested in going to college. She’d hated high school, so it wasn’t a shock when she decided further schooling wasn’t for her.

She met Devon at work and they’d been hanging out more and more. They were friends; she liked him. I didn’t share her enthusiasm, but she’s her own her person and I couldn’t always be her only company.

“Humph,” Bean uttered under her breath. “They’re doing okay because Sarah is too trusting.”

Sarah didn’t have girlfriends. She never had. When she started to really grow up, Ace had the challenge of making sure the boys she was always talking to didn’t get too close. Living with a woman like Rae, whose past is so tragic, I’d supported Ace’s increased guard over Sarah. We all had. Except of course Hayden, who’s always trying to point out that she’s growing up and we’re not giving her enough credit.

“They’re friends, Bean. Guys and girls can be friends. Rae’s my friend.”

“He’s not for her,” Bean stated abruptly, and with a raised voice. “He’s too. . . .”

“Pretty?” I asked, trying to keep her mouth clean.

“Pretentious,” she corrected with a frown.

I smiled. Nothing got past Bean. Devon was as pretentious as they came. Ace, Hayden, and even non-judgmental, peace-keeping, Toby sensed he wasn’t a great guy, and most definitely not good enough for Sarah. So, those weren’t my feelings alone.

Bean’s face changed from annoyed, to heartfelt and serious. “Have you been to see your dad yet?”

Her subject change, one I didn’t see coming, caused me to blink slowly. My dad’s death, almost five years ago, still haunts me. I have nightmares that only Hayden knows about. I slipped after a night of drinking and told him about them in specific detail. He panicked at first, but then agreed to let me figure them out on my own in hopes they’d go away.

I still wasn’t sure if I was remembering things that really happened when I was young, or if the images were merely figments of my imagination, running wild under the stress of still missing my dad.

After his funeral, I was too angry with him for leaving me to ever go back to visit his grave. It was wrong, but after five years had passed I didn’t feel I had a right to visit him anymore. In a sense, I deserted him as sure as I felt he’d deserted me. I didn’t think it would be fair for me to ever go to him again.

“No, Bean. I haven’t.”

“You need to put him to rest, honey.” She winked, all-knowing. “You haven’t.”

“I have,” I lied.

“You haven’t. Do you want to know how I know this?”

“Sure,” I conceded. She’d give me her reasoning with or without my blessing. Through the years I had learned it was easier to comply without resistance.

“You were a shy kid growing up. You had eyes that were always haunted. At first I thought it was because you missed your mom, being that you hadn’t seen her since you were so young.”

“Are you saying I was a snob when I was a kid?” I asked, but only in jest.

She smiled. “No, you were just very uncertain. When Darren was killed, though, you changed. Any light he had put back into your eyes after your mother left went away. You went from being quiet and shy, to moody and angry. I thought maybe you’d snap out of it, but you didn’t.”

“Right.” I gave her that. “Do you know what happened to my mom?” I asked, and then watched as the light in
her
eyes went away.

She frowned deeply. “That’s not my story to tell you, Travis. You can’t ask me to do that. Darren wouldn’t want you hearing it, least of all from me.”

“Bean, it would help me understand,” I pleaded, but she resisted.

Holding strong to her prior statement, she added to it. “I won’t taint my relationship with you by telling you a truth from your past. It’s not my place. It could change who you’ve struggled so hard to become.”

“My mom,” I started to ask. “Do you think she thinks about me?”

“I don’t know her. Besides me getting you because of her actions, can’t say I’ve ever cared enough to think about her. But you have. I see that distant dimness in your eyes right now.”

“I don’t miss her, if that’s what you’re sayin.’”

“No, but you’re missing something.”

Bean always knew. I was missing something.
Truth.

“You’re still unhappy in many ways,” she rightfully observed.

“I’m just—”

“Angry?” she interrupted. “Let the past go unanswered, Travis. Let your dad go. He deserves to watch you from wherever he is, and to have you appreciate him for what he did right by forcing her to leave.”

“It takes time, Bean. Really, though, I’m trying.”

“It’s been five years,” she reminded me, harshly adding, “try harder.” Her fingers ran over the sheet, which was draped over her small, frail body. She twirled the edges through each before looking back at me. “I won’t be around for much longer,” she paused and her voice grew quiet. “I need you there for Sarah when I no longer can be.”

“We’re all here for her, Bean. That’s not something you’ll ever have to worry about.”

“You’re different, though, Travis. You’re Sarah’s.”

Blinking again, I started to get uncomfortable. “I’ll take care of her.”

“Travis,” she voiced with seriousness. “I need a favor. Can I ask one of you?”

“Always,” I assured.

Bean had my complete devotion.

“I know I’m running out of time. When you’re my age, you’ll know it, too. It’s not as scary as I thought it’d be. But my body is tired.” She reached her hand out, knowing I wasn’t a person who was comfortable with that kind of intimacy. I took it in mine. She squeezed, looking into my eyes. “I see what you don’t.”

“What’s that?”

“I know all my boys, Travis. I know when you’re each lost, hurting, happy, or whatever. I also know what’s happening, most times before any of you do.”

“I don’t understand,” I admitted.

“As
kids,
you were always Sarah’s. The others were so busy trying to avoid her maddening ways, but not you. There were times she upset you, frustrated you, sure. But you tolerated her better than the others. She was drawn to you; your kindness and your heart.”