Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (67 page)

“I’ve been sober for three hundred and fifty-nine days,” he says with regret.

“Congratulations,” I say with sarcasm, laced with contempt.

“I’m not asking for your appreciation, Hayden. The first day of sobriety, after the alcohol finally made its way from my system completely, was the first day I truly mourned the loss of her.”

“I don’t get it.” I’m confused.

“I missed her for ten thousand days. I never let her go. I let myself believe my own lie. She was somewhere happy and she hadn’t been truly happy since the day I met her.” Sadness takes over his face and I start to understand. “I never looked at you. I looked
through
you your entire life. I didn’t want to see her traits on your small face. I didn’t want to hear her laugh in yours. When I sobered, that was what I saw. That was all I heard.”

“Jesus Christ, you should’ve shared this with me. You could’ve talked to me. I was around you all the time. Taking care of you then helping you get better was my life’s objective. Now, you’re telling me that me being there made it worse?”

“You’re not listening.”

“I am.”

“Your presence, her presence in you, is what allowed me to heal, Hayden. I love you very much, and I’ve missed out on a lifetime of memories because of my denial. I watch you now, and I see you making those same mistakes. Don’t do it. Don’t make a mockery out of your life as I have.”

“She cries because of me,” I tell him, referring to Lacey.

“Give her a reason to stop.”

“I don’t know that I can.”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes, more than anything.”

He pauses, turns in his chair and looks at me. Our eyes meet and the certainty in his is overwhelming. “Lacey loves you. She wouldn’t still be around after everything the two of you have put each other through if she didn’t. Is there anything you wouldn’t do for her or for you two to be together?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell her that and more. Saying ‘I love you’ is easy. It’s what comes after that counts so much.”

“She may not believe me.”

“I believe you.”

“Cathy,” I state, both wanting answers and a change of subject. “Who is she to you?”

“The first woman I had sex with after your mother.”

“Oh, God.” Sweet Cathy’s face flashes in my mind and leaves me feeling sick. I knew they had a connection and she cared about him deeply. I knew it, but ignored it.

“She lost her husband shortly after I lost your mother.”

“Wait. Hold up.” My hand rises with my demand. “You’ve known Cathy my whole life?”

He laughs. “Well, yeah. I told you there was history there, Hayden. After your mother died, I met Cathy at the office. She cleaned for the firm I was working at . . .”

“You fucked her on your desk, didn’t you?” He goes to speak, but I stop him. “Fuck, don’t answer that.” His sly smile just did, though.
Damn it.

“She wanted more from me than I could give her at the time. When she told me we were over, I slept with as many women as I could to avoid relationships and the heartaches that come with them. Sound familiar?” He smiles at me with recognition.

“Like father, like son,” I answer with a light heart.

“Here,” he says, taking off his pendant he’s worn for as long as I can remember. “Saint Dymphna,” he states, handing it over to me. “The saint of illness and mental disorders. I’ve worn it for your mother long enough. Don’t wear it as I did, but keep it in honor and prayer for her.”

“I wish things would’ve been different, Dad. I wish you could have trusted me to tell me sooner.”

His hand reaches out to my shoulder and he squeezes it while saying, “It wasn’t you I didn’t trust; it was myself. My lie wasn’t about keeping something from you to hurt you. It was about protecting you and not allowing you to carry a burden I didn’t even allow myself to carry until a year ago.”

“Are you still carrying it? The burden, is it there?”

He stares at my hand holding the pendant and answers, “Not anymore.”

“I need to call Ace and Trav.”

He stands, turns around to look down at me and hands me his phone. “I heard. I wasn’t going to comment on the face.” His finger darts out to trace my black eye, and I allow the connection being that he’s my father. “But you’ve got quite the shiner.”

“I had it coming.”

“I heard that, too.”

“Lacey,” I say on an eye roll as I stand and walk toward the house with him.

“She’s something, Hayden. Definitely not as sweet as you led me to believe.”

“She’s sweet to me.”

He stops in the driveway and looks to where his truck is parked. I note quickly that Lacey’s no longer in the house; she left as I had asked. “That’s what matters. What she is and means to you is
all
that matters.” He opens his truck door and climbs in. “Hope my Mercedes is in one piece; I let her drive it here.”

“Oh, fuck no, Dad.”

“Moment of weakness. She was on her way to help my son.”

I hit the hood of the truck as he starts it. “Thanks for that, and thanks for coming.”

“Make things right, Hayden. I’m counting on it. My granddaughter is coming in a few weeks. I’d like the family to be ready when she does.”

“I’ll try not to fuck it up.”

“If you do, call Bean. She’ll have something to say.”

Doesn’t she always.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Hayden

“THESE WOMEN ARE making me fuckin’ crazy. All of them. At once,” Trav complains as he throws his empty beer bottle into the fire pit blazing in front of us on the beach where we’re all hanging out. “And at what point did they start invading our lives again? I must’ve fuckin’ missed that.”

After my dad left, I called Ace. His clipped tone and angry words were expected. He was rightfully still wanting to kick my ass. His acceptance of an overnight getaway stay at the beach house, just the guys, was unexpected and appreciated. It was late and he had to fill in behind the microphone tonight due to my unexpected absence.

“When we grew up and starting learning we can’t do anything without them,” Toby smarts at Trav’s irritation.

“You have Marlee, asshat. She’s cool as fuck with anything you do. Don’t play it off like you’re affected like the rest of us,” Ace corrects Toby’s statement with his own version of reality. “Raegan runs me the fuck over.”

“You let her,” I remind him, grabbing another beer from the cooler.

“I do,” he agrees with less irritation. “She and Deck are everything to me.”

His admission is one I never thought I’d understand. I haven’t talked to Lacey since she admitted she loved me and then listened to her angry words that harshly reminded me of what a stupid fuck I am. Ace told me over the phone that she called Rae to stay with her during my absence because she was feeling ‘off.’ I’m not sure what that means, but Lacey’s been careful her entire pregnancy, from what I know, and is good about listening to her body’s changes and demands. I’ve never worried about that.

“I’m happy you have her,” I tell Ace, handing him another beer. “I owe her an apology. I’ll talk to her when we get back.”

“Fuck yeah, you will. I hate seein’ her cry. You had her bawlin’ all the way home. I’m not sorry I beat your ass for it, either.”

“I earned it. It’ll never happen again.”

Travis pipes in from across the fire, “No, it fuckin’ won’t. Even Sarah was devastated. Have you ever seen Sarah cry? Christ, she brought tears to my fuckin’ eyes.” He wipes his brow with back of the hand clutching his beer. “See what I’m talkin’ about? These women are makin’ me nuts.”

We all look at each other in question, each of us trying to reflect back to when Sarah showed enough emotion to allow tears to flow. Ace and Toby shake their heads while I answer Travis. “I feel worse now. Fuck, I didn’t realize the demon’s daughter would be just as upset.”

“Drunk bastard,” Ace says with sarcasm, but laughs through it.

“I was having a
very
bad fucking day,” I remind them as I take a pull from my fifth or sixth beer. I’ve lost count.

“I know, Hayden,” Toby states. He wasn’t there when I fell apart in front of my friends and terrorized them with my words, but he’s always been supportive.

“After everything that has happened the last few months, it was my breaking point. I’m sorry I hurt you all, the girls especially.”

Ace pins me with a questioning look. “Lacey’s it for you, Hayden. You’ve changed.”

“I have,” I agree.

“I’m proud of you.” Travis offering a compliment to my life is rare, if ever heard. “I’m happy for you and Lacey. Don’t fuck it up.”

“I won’t. I can’t.”

“Do you love her?” Ace asks, still staring. I’m sensing he’s waiting for me to bolt at the mention of love.

“I love her,” I confirm.

“Well, it’s about fuckin’ time,” Travis answers.

“Drink to that!” Toby raises his beer, looking a little drunk.

Ace smiles at Toby and sends a quick look to Travis before speaking. “I’ve forgiven you; I want you to know that. I forgave you for Kenna a long time ago.”

I don’t say anything. If this is Ace’s version of an apology, I sure as fuck don’t want to interrupt it.

“I was a dick back then. You were my best friend and you fucked my woman.”

“She was a whore,” Trav offers in my defense.

“Not the point.” Ace’s eyes cut to Trav then back to me. “I’m glad you finally found the right girl.”

“Hey, guys?” Travis asks the group with a light tone. “After my sister has this baby, could you all stop breeding?”

The guys and I bust out laughing, but Trav’s face is stoic and serious.

“Who asks shit like that?” I ask.

“Me.
Seriously.
All these kids make it impossible to do shit together like this. Honest to fuck, our hangouts are more about the women, kids, and stupid fucking dogs.” Trav’s eyes dart to Ace in reference to the stupidest dog on Earth.

Ace sticks up for Diamond, realizing his best canine friend is being ridiculed and not left without an unsaid threat. “Leave him alone. He’s jittery around people. He’s gettin’ better but it takes time.”

Toby laughs freely, holding his gut as he sits back in his chair. “
Jittery?
Fuck no; he’s crazy, Ace. I’m wondering how you and Rae ever have sex. He’s all over her . . . all the time.”

“Sleeps with Deck,” Ace reassures, rebounding quickly. “Not even clothes stand in my way of her.”

“
Oh, come on!
For the love of Christ, please don’t go there about her again,” Travis exclaims as he starts to stand then sits back down. “I swear to God, you two are worse than any of them.” He points to me then Toby. “I can’t handle more visuals.”

“Why not? Rae’s fucking hot. You know she is, so admit it,” I comment to the group, “Marlee is, too. Both of them would take any man down in flames.” Toby and Ace look at me and smile, both knowing I’m right and appreciating the compliment. They’ve been with the girls long enough to know they belong to them, so I’m in no way a threat.

“Rae’s like my sister. I don’t think of her like that.”

Curiosity laced with alcohol has me asking a question I’ve never voiced but always wondered. “Why are you and Rae so close, Trav?”

“What do you mean?”

The question draw the others’ full attention; it seems I’m not the only one who’s been curious about the two of them and their unsaid connection. “I mean since she got here, you and her have only gotten closer. I’ve never had that with a woman I’d consider only a friend.”

“You have it with Sarah,” Trav replies, avoiding my direct observation.

“Sarah’s different. Tell me.”

Trav takes another drink of his beer, stalling his response, then answers. “Raegan’s been through shit. She’s had it rough almost her entire life, but she’s never let it affect who she’s always wanted to be. I respect that.”

“You understand that,” Ace corrects, referring to Trav’s rough start to his own life and his mother.

“And I understand it. I mean it when I say I love her like a sister.”

“Lacey’s fucking hot, too,” Toby states out of nowhere. All eyes fall to him and he smiles wide at his own uncharacteristic remark.

“Wow, Toby,” I answer in response.

“Jesus, fuck. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone but Marlee,” Ace comments.

“Now that, motherfucker,
is
my sister. She’s not hot, damn it. She’s just Lacey.” Travis stands this time; he’s completely uncomfortable having this discussion. It’s fun to poke at him.

Toby continues grinning. “Then you’re not looking where I’m looking.”

“Oh, shit,” I hear, coming from Ace. “Toby’s on a roll tonight.” They clink beer bottles and take another drink.

“You need a good woman of your own, Trav. What happened with Kate?” Ace replies, standing, as well.

“Won’t work. She’s needy. She wants all my attention all the time.”

“And she doesn’t like Sarah,” I add, glancing to Ace to gauge his reaction.

“It’s not that she doesn’t like her. It’s that she doesn’t like me
talking
to her.”

“Why not?” Ace asks. His tone is defensive as it always is regarding his kid sister.

Trav thinks about his answer, tossing the stripped label of his beer into the fire. “She thinks Sarah and I are too close. She says I’m too involved in her life.”

“Well, fuck. You’ll always be involved. If you end up with a woman who doesn’t appreciate that, then fuck her.”

“I’m about to give up on women. Maybe now that Hayden will be busy with the baby, I can start fuckin’ my way through them like he did.”

I laugh; Trav is so not the type. “Good luck with that. You gotta be nice to them first. You can’t do it.”

Ace laughs with me, knowing I’m exactly right. “You need someone like you, Trav. Not a lot of women will put up with your shit. At least not for long anyway.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Sayin.’ You need someone who isn’t afraid of you or who isn’t intimidated by your moody ass.” Ace’s explanation is exact. Trav does need that.

“He needs someone like Sarah,” Toby rebuts and the moment he finishes that thought, our loud silence falls and eyebrows rise in his direction.

Where the fuck did that shit come from?

“What the fuck did you say?” Ace asks, readying to strike.