Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (61 page)

“I’ve now seen Rae’s underwear
and
her vibrator. Two very personal things I can’t un-see. This is shit, Ace.”

“Fuck off, Trav. I’ve got a fuck of a lot more to deal with than your weak ass. Raegan’s going to kill him this time,” Ace responds, opening the screen door.

Travis looks to both Hayden and me, who are now huddled in a corner. “I’ll get the fuckin’ rope and help her,” he says, staring behind him.

After Trav pushes Sarah in the house, Hayden and I watch the boys continue to chase Diamond. Marlee and Toby smile wide at us from the picnic table and Marlee waves. They get how funny that was. One day, the rest of them will, too.

Maybe a few days after Diamond’s funeral.

* * *

Hayden

“Are you ready?” I ask Ace, drying my hands with Bean’s old dishtowel.

“Fuck, yes. I need a beer.”

Lacey took Raegan home not long after Diamond’s dash of true poetic humor. Decklan is staying with Bean tonight, so Ace and I can go have a few beers and I can listen to him vent about his domestic issues. As if a dog is such a challenging burden.

“Ace, be sure to tell Sarah goodbye. She seemed a little bit upset with you when she came in earlier. Check on her for me?”

Ace stutters. Seeing his little sister’s face as she processed what was lying in front of her, while Travis was on top of her . . . no. I’m with him on this.

“I’ll text her, Bean. She’s probably asleep.”

“Words on phones,” Bean utters to herself as she turns the television on. “Wasted youth.”

Ace gives me a hard look and we walk outside.

Sitting at The Ward on a Sunday night affords us the opportunity, or costs us dearly, to meet the new waitress. She’s older than Lacey, but younger than me and she’s a slut; I already know. She’s had her hands on me three times since we sat down twenty minutes ago.

“Not interested in the new girl, huh?”

“No. She’s not my type.”

Ace looks up from his beer and questions me. “Since when have you had a type?”

“I’ve always had one.”

“
Right.
” Sarcasm. “So, how’s Lacey doin’ with the pregnancy? I didn’t talk to her much today with everything going on.”

“Same. She’s not had much morning sickness as far as I can tell.” I hear my answer as I say it. I haven’t been paying much attention to know if she’s been sick or not.

“How the fuck can you not know if she’s had morning sickness? Jesus, Toby
wears
the sickness most days. Holds her hair back and all that shit.”

“She hasn’t been sick.” I claim this to end the conversation, but I don’t really know.

“She cares about you. She told Raegan she’s not giving up. She’s hoping you’ll come around in one way or another. She’s as stubborn and as tough as Travis.”

I sit back in my chair, put my hands on my thighs and brace. Ace is going to have his say and it’s fair after everything I said to him when he was going through his shit with Rae to let him say it.

“I care about her, too, but is that enough?”

“I get it. You’re trying to give her space and give yourself time to think shit through.” He leans forward in his chair, bracing himself on the table. “But it’s not fuckin’ workin.’ You need to get your shit together and be in this or head to the sidelines and stay the fuck out of it. You don’t get to have it both ways.”

“I know.”

“If you know, then make a decision. She’ll find someone else eventually. Is that what you want?”

“Ace, I don’t fucking know what I want. Other than to stop feeling responsible for hurting her the way I am.” I sit, waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I admit my most shameful thought out loud. “I’ve never considered one woman for the rest of my life, Ace. Do you know how crazy that is? I’ve never thought about growing old with someone or growing old at all.”

“That’s obvious.”

“Don’t mock me; I’m serious. What if I wake up in a year or maybe two and I hate her? What if I resent her for changing everything about me?”

“You’d be a fool, but you’re not the only one. Lace told Rae she’s waitin’ for you to pull your head from your ass. Those were her exact words. She said she knows you’re not the person you think you are and when you figure that out, you’ll come back to her. But Hayden, there’s no doubt she’ll move on. She’s Trav’s sister. She has the same stubborn streak but she won’t put up with your shit any longer than she knows what’s good for her.”

“I know. Until I’m certain I can be what I can for us both, though, I’m not making empty promises.”

“You’ve changed, brother. You’re not the person you were before. She’s changed you and the change is good. I see it.”

“I feel it, and I’m not sure it’s all so good.”

“You’ve got to be who you are, but be sure you can live with that person before dragging another life into it. Everyone’s capable of change. Even you.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Hayden

THE HOUSE IS dark once I make my way inside. I see the light in the bedroom from here, but it’s shadowed and dim. Lacey must have her reading lamp on.

I head toward the couch but decide to check in on her. I rarely check in, but Ace was right; I should know more about how she’s physically feeling. I can help with that whereas I’m useless with her emotions.

“Hayden?” Lacey questions, looking up wearing her small, round reading glasses.

The book she’s holding has an over-exaggerated cartoon stork on the cover. Panic fuels my emotions. She looks calm and comfortable as she reads words about bringing a new life into the mess we’ve created in this one. My throat starts to clog, but I mutter, “Hey.”

“You’re home early.”

I can’t stay. I should have waited until later to come back. I should’ve gone to the couch as I have every night before. I gotta go. “I’m headed out again, actually. Ace and I got done early. I’m going for a drink.”

Her face drops in sadness, loneliness, or concern. Pick one; I’ve got each framed to memory. “Lock up behind you,” she says, pulling the book closer to her and flipping another page.

I’m dismissed.

“I won’t be long.”

She puts the book down and takes off her glasses, then tells me what she thinks I don’t already know. “You don’t have a curfew, Hayden. Go do whatever. I’ll be here.”

To avoid another argument, I pacify her response. “I’ll lock up and see you later.”

* * *

Lacey

“Go ahead and tell me.”

“It’s . . .”

“Shit, stop. Wait. Oh, my God. I don’t know!”

My OBGYN, Dr. Ames, knows my sorrowed story. I cried for an hour in her office after I found out and before I told Hayden I was pregnant. She was aware I wasn’t in a committed relationship and I had explained my ‘exclusive’ was going to have a meltdown. Since, I’ve filled her in as the appointments continued that led to today.

Hayden isn’t here. He missed the appointment after not coming home last night. The couch was made. The blanket and pillow mocked me as I walked by on the way out the door. I could have called or texted him to offer a reminder of today’s appointment, but I didn’t. I told him he didn’t have to be anything he didn’t want to be. We had decided, in a passing conversation, as all of our conversations seem in passing, that we wouldn’t ask the sex of the baby. Hayden, more than me, wanted to know what to prepare for, but I thought it was something we could both look forward to together.

I was hoping he’d eventually come around and make the decision to be more involved, but he hasn’t and I have me and the baby to worry about. This is taking up all of my energy and I’m not about to hold his hand through it.

Fuck him. He’s missing this and he’ll have forever to regret it.

“Okay, ready,” I tell her unconvincingly.

“You don’t have to decide now, Lacey,” she says, gently putting her hand on my thigh while the other holds the wand that reflects the screen in a muddled mess of fog and dark spots.

“Tell me.”

This time she laughs through her words. “Are you going to interrupt me again?”

She’s a beautiful woman. I don’t imagine she’s much older than Hayden. A pang of jealousy that he may find her attractive strikes and I snap at her in response. “I said tell me.”

Her face falls straight but the kindness in her eyes doesn’t waver. “You’re having a little girl.”

My eyes sting, my mouth waters, and my throat starts to close. “A girl? You’re sure?” I croak, fighting back the emotion.

“I’m certain.”

She grabs my hand once she notices it shaking at my side. “I’m scared,” I admit to her while squeezing it gently.

“Don’t be. Things aren’t like they used to be. Women act as single parents all the time, and I’m sure Hayden will be thrilled to help. Your brother, Travis, too.”

Tears stream down my face, each eye in turn as I stare up at the screen, watching her make small subtle movements I can see her making but can’t feel inside. “A girl,” I say through a whisper, as though it’s a confession.

I wish Hayden were here.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Hayden

TONIGHT’S THE FIRST night since Lacey told everyone about her pregnancy that we’re all gathered together without that being the only reason.

Trav’s feelings toward me have wavered back and forth. Good days with him include some small talk and maybe a fill-in about our daily lives. Bad days have him angry at me for my mere existence. Ace and Rae have continued to try to remain neutral and Marlee and Toby are involved with their own family, so they haven’t given too much effort into prying into mine.

Sarah, surprisingly, has been great. She’s never said either way her feelings toward my epic fuck-up with Lacey. She’s remained her maddening self and I’ve appreciated having that one constant, whether it’s an unnerving constant or not.

We’re playing cards tonight at our place. The gang’s all here, sans the kids who are keeping Bean and her neighbor, Mary, entertained. Bean was excited to keep the kids overnight so the adults could enjoy themselves. Sarah was excited to be included, but Trav and Ace are keeping close eyes on her to ensure she doesn’t attempt to drink. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried. It’s not like Sarah to not do as she’s told to tempt the others into frustration.

“I win again.” I slide the final card into the pile with animation and the rest of the table goes quiet.

They suck at party gin. It’s easy to win.

“Of course you do.” Rae throws her cards into the pile, not bothering to count the points against her.

“Hayden cheats,” Lacey lets slip as if it’s a secret. Sending me a ‘don’t deny it’ look of orneriness, I concede and stay quiet, waiting for the others to fill her in.

“Uhhh, yeah,” Rae answers first.

“Always has,” Ace includes.

“Where you been, Lace?” Trav asks with sarcasm.

“What?” she replies. “You all knew this already?”

Sarah’s next. “He’s been cheating me at cards since I was nine, Lace. Uno, Go Fish, Rummy, you name it and he’s cheated me.” Sarah turns her head my way as she sits in the chair next to mine. “He would win and I’d have to make him lunch or fetch his ass a pop or clean his car. Did I leave anything out, Hayden?”

I don’t get a chance to deny with my answer. Lacey stands; her small belly still growing draws my eyes as she puts her hand on it. “How did everyone already know this and not tell me? He’s had my clothes off on more than one occasion playing strip poker and denied that he’s a cheat!”

Travis smiles. “Did you think he’d tell you?” Trav nods to her belly. “Seems he’s cheated you out of your clothes more than a few times.”

“How do you cheat, Hayden?” she asks me directly, ignoring her brother.

Raising my hands in surrender, I plead my lying case. “I don’t. They’re making it up.”

“Check his lap,” Ace, the rat, calls me out.

Lacey walks from her side of the table to me, and Sarah gives her enough room to stand directly at my side. “Oh, my God!” she screams as she sees two cards placed between my knees. She grabs them and shows the others before throwing them on the table.

“Why do you let him cheat?”

“We don’t always. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort to call him out,” Toby states. “It’s all in fun, Lacey. It’s just a game.”

“If it’s just a game, why
cheat?
” she asks me. She’s got a competitive streak she hadn’t shown the others before, but it’s quickly becoming apparent to them now as they sit around smiling at her expense.

I grab her around the waist and bring her into my lap to quiet her. She falls with my force and situates herself, getting comfortable. “I don’t cheat all the time,” I tell her, loud enough for the others to hear, but then whisper in her ear, “But how can I not do it intentionally when you’re so willing to be the loser and take off your clothes in front of me?”

“God, you’re sick. You’re not right, Hayden.”

“And you love it.”

She smiles at Rae and Rae smiles back with care. “I do,” she whispers and starts to stand. Holding her in place, I refuse to let her move.

“Let me show you how I cheat,” I tell her as she adjusts herself in my arms again.

“You cheated a sick person, Hayden,” she says, trying to guilt me.

“I’m not apologizing. We had fun.”

She sighs, leans the back of her head on my shoulder, and mumbles, “We did.”

The rest of the night Lacey is either on my lap or at my side. The familiar ease with each other is welcome. We spend the next few hours drinking and playing various other board games, which make it impossible for me to cheat.

* * *

After everyone piles out the front door and Lacey’s finished cleaning up, she turns to me and tells me the rest of her plans for the night.

Always a routine.

“I’m going to shower and get ready for bed.”

“Sounds good,” I answer, walking to the couch with the last beer from the fridge.

“You okay?”

No.
“Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“Yeah, you got quiet.”

“I’m good. That was fun.”

“It was. We should have them over more often.”

“Then we will,” I say, making the promise I’m not sure I can live up to. Our lives together are too volatile to commit to the next day, let alone any days in the future.