Deviation (A Defined Series Book 1) (18 page)

Jack

“Ms. Willows…” I don’t know what to call her, and I’m sure I don’t want to speak to this horrible woman ever again. I got the information I needed and, hopefully, some closure for Edith.

“Edna. You can call me Edna.”

“Of course. Edna, I was hoping there would be some change, something Edie could take away from here that was a happy memory for her, but I was wrong. I’m sorry we came today.” I don’t know what else to say. I pretty much fucked up this whole outing, and I was about to do worse in the next hour.

“Jack, I love my daughter, but I don’t know
how
to love her.” The sad woman sits back down at the table and pours another drink, staring at it. I don’t know what to say because this would have gone better if she had just told her
that
instead of the hateful things she said

              “Well, maybe you’ll figure that out someday and be able to tell her before it’s too late. Her graduation ceremony is in late May. I’m really proud of her and I wish you could be, too. If you want to come, here’s my card.” I hand it to her. “Call me.”

We both nod and I leave, following Edith to the car. She’s already sitting in it, her seat belt secure. I probably should not have invited her mother to graduation but, like an idiot, the first idea, good or bad, seems to be popping into my head. I’m just a well of shitty good intentions today.

              “She say anything meaningful to you?” Edith softly asks.

I’m torn, but it’s not my tale to tell, so I shrug. “She wishes you well, baby. Let’s go.” She nods and looks out the window towards the trailer. I don’t know if she thinks I’m lying, but it’s the best I can do. I definitely fucked this up.

I drive back to the highway and head towards Cherry Hill, my own stomach in painful knots.      

I think back to our conversation on the porch this morning and what she told me.
“You can say it, Jack. I’m broken. A mess. I’m not the whole person you thought you were getting when we started this thing.”
She avoided eye contact, staring out into the distance, sitting on the stairs with a dejected look on her face, and my heart cracked wide open.

The fissures are deep, ugly and raw. My stubborn girl won’t let me in to share her pain, not a single lick of it. Am I mad at her? Hell, yes, but I’m in love with her, and love will always outweigh the mad. I just wish she would trust in that love as much as I do.

“Baby, you are anything but broken to me. You are the strongest set of shoulders I have ever met. Where any other normal person would shatter in to a million pieces, you bend.”

“So I’m not even normal?”
She frowned and her voice shook. She didn’t comprehended what I had been saying to her this entire time.

“Never something as mundane as normal, baby. You are incredible.”

Leave it to Edith to think that I saw something wrong with her. The bruised self-esteem is something I could and would blame her destructive parents for. My fiery gentle girl is lost. She needs a reason to fight, not just for us but for herself. If things are ever going to get better for us, I need Edith to fight again.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Edith

“We’re here.” Caught up in my mix of bad memories, I don’t notice Jack driving down the long driveway lined with tall, bare trees. I large building sits isolated on the hill we’ve driven up.

“Where is here?” I unclick my seat belt, sliding it off, scanning the building for a sign.

“Before we go in, I want to give you something. All I ask is that you keep an open mind.”

Jack places a red velvet box in my hands. I look at him and he nods for me to open it. He looks nervous as hell and part of me, even though I’m still mad, wants to crawl into his lap and comfort him. I like it better when the only thing we have to worry about is getting caught by someone on campus for our relationship. I know it’s not a ring. The box is all weird, and I’ve helped Aiden pick out enough pieces of jewelry for Shelby to know. I open the box and a silver chain slides to the front, a plate with a written word stares back at me, twinkling with small diamonds.

“Love?” It’s written in a familiar handwriting. “It’s beautiful, Jack.

“And it’s how I feel about you. How I will
always
feel about you. I want you to remember that.” Jack takes the necklace and tugs me forward, clasping the chain around my neck. It’s perfect. “I want you to know that I am always with you, my love.” Jack places his hand over my heart and the broken bits feel seared together again.  

My face is close to his and I want to kiss him so badly, to feel his lips pressed deep against my own. “You still haven’t told me where we are.” I tug him closer, but Jack looks away and pulls back.

“This is a rehab facility for alcohol and drug abuse. I want you to stay here.”

Fingering the necklace, shock and coldness knock me down. “I’m sorry. What?” My heart is ripped open again, leaving a gaping wound. Jack no longer wants me at home and this place is it? This is where my crazy ass has landed me? I’m alone again? The classic architecture of the building now looks foreboding and ugly. I don’t care how nicely you paint something white. It still has cracks and chips of dirty paint underneath. “You’re leaving me here?”

“We’ll get you signed in, and it’s only for two weeks.”

“You planned this behind my back?” Jack says nothing, and my feeble brain continues to process the information. “Who else knows about this?”

“Aiden and Shelby. She helped me pack for you.” A slow ticking pulse starts behind my eye. I suppose asking for a headache pill is out of the question right now.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you.” I feel betrayed.

“Right now or ever?” Jack takes the keys out of the ignition, staring ahead.

“I don’t know.” I feel numb. Jack pops the trunk and gets out of the car to grab my suitcase. Coming around to my side, he opens my door and reaches for my hand, but I pull away, angry and sullen.

5ctt

Jack

Well, I’ve really done it now. I drag her to her old home so she can see how far she’s come, but that falls apart. She might as well have been kicking and screaming, her quiet demeanor was so loud. Then I take her to a rehab facility, signing her in for two weeks, and now she hates me more than ever. Fleur assured me these reactions are normal, but are they really? Nothing feels normal, and sitting home alone doesn’t help.

I couldn’t handle losing Edith. Watching her slip away from me day by day, distracted and lost inside her own mind, kills me. Slowly, I am losing a part of myself, and I feared that neither of us would make it back to the other whole.

Dialing Fleur, she picks up right away. “I did it. I feel like shit, but I did it.”

“Jack, this is the hard part. Let her work things out while she’s there. The counseling and support will be good for her.”

“You didn’t see the look on her face when we signed all the consent papers. She doesn’t want to see me while she’s there.”

“So give her the privacy and dignity to do this, Jack. You can’t save her. Don’t be the white knight.”

“God, her face… I’m gutted.” I break down on the phone. Was I wrong? Did I make a bad decision?

She has to talk me out of going back there to bring her home. “It will get better, Jack, but give it time.”

Hanging up doesn’t feel better, even though I have everyone’s support in doing this.

Shelby has postponed leaving for Italy another week, and Aiden has been dropping by with names and addresses of on and off campus support groups.

We discuss our plan of what to do when Edith comes home. Sam called me and said she called him on her second day there and refused to testify. He is pissed, but what can I do? Sam blows up my phone with messages before giving up. He plans to proceed without Edith’s testimony, but the likelihood is that Daniel Munson will get off with a slap on the wrist.

I leave Edith a voicemail at the rehab center, telling her I am proud of her and that she needs to do what she feels is best. I want to drive down and visit, but Fleur advises me to wait it out and see if Edith will come around. Instead, I attend a support group for partners. Learning about her trauma and her coping skills is a start.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Edith

“
I hate having to make adult decisions.” My brain hurts from the poison of reality swirling through the grey matter in my head.

“Yeah. What I wouldn't give to go back in time, my only worry being if I had enough cake mix for my Easy Bake Oven.”

Shelby puts her head on my shoulder and holds my shaking hand as we sit on hard orange plastic chairs inside the lobby. It’s Family Day at this hellhole, and the only person I have on my list of visitors is Shelby. I’m not ready to see Jack or Aiden yet, but Shelby wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. I think about how vastly different our lives must have been growing up.

"Huh. You actually had one of those?" I always dreamed of the Barbie Makeup and Hair Salon set. How easily I forgot my childhood dreams while I was just trying to survive. Part of me was much like the sheriff of Nottingham from the Kevin Costner version of
Robin Hood
. Crazy ass parents, a witch for a mother, and only partially sane himself.

I don’t realize I’ve said all that out loud until Shelby looks at me, chuckling. “Girl, you are not crazy. Besides, you are way cuter than that dude. I can’t help my hair envy for your Maid Marion locks.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle.

"You know, Edie, if we had been friends back then, I would have shared every damn cake that oven made. I'd have made sure you got the larger half. Those things tasted like shit anyway." Laughing, Shelby hugs me. Deep down, I know that no matter how I got to this point in my life, Shelby’s friendship is worth all the pain.

"I know you would, Shelby. I know." I sigh, waiting for the counselor to call us into another dreaded session of sharing old shit that shouldn’t matter, but they try to convince us that it does.

“I’m sorry I told you to grow up. I had a lot on my mind that morning in Miami and it was a crazy weekend.” She leaves a lot of things unsaid and we slip into comfortable silence born of being ex-roommates and best friends.

“I’m sorry I fucked it up by being so stupid and selfish.” And I genuinely
am
sorry. My friends are my family. To lose them would be another hard blow; however, it would be one of my own making.

“How’s everything else going?” I know she means Jack. I’m feeling better, but definitely not ready to deal with things just yet. I’ve told her about my issues with intimacy and, surprisingly, it was easier than I thought it would be.

“You know, if you continue having sexual problems, there’s a way to fix that.”

“Shelby, the last time we went to one of
those
stores, you picked out something that looked like a battery-operated dog toy. I think I’ll manage, but thanks.”

Honestly, since I’ve started talking more in my groups, I have a better understanding of why I wanted to feel so numb. It’s not perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. Coming in here, I had a laundry list of things to work through, but now it’s more like a post-it note of the painful remainders.

We joke a bit more, then say our goodbyes. Shelby is leaving for Italy and won’t be home when I get out of this joint. Our gatherings will be minus one vivacious potty-mouth, and the change makes me sad. Ready or not, the world is going to thrust us out of the womb and into adulthood.

“I’m going to miss you like crazy.” We hold onto each other as my group session is called. Tears threaten and we hug harder, both trying to be strong.

       “Call me when you land in spaghetti-town, you bitch.”

“I wouldn’t dream of not doing it.” She glances behind her. “Looks like my ride is here.” Glancing up, I see Jack. “Do you wanna say hello or something?” As handsome as ever, his blonde hair looks a little longer, and his blue eyes don’t sparkle nearly as much as I remember. Pain clangs in a chest filled with regrets of how poorly I treated him.

“Yeah…or something. Look, I gotta get to group. You know, the whole sort my shit out stuff.”

I knew he was driving Shelby to the airport. I don’t know why Aiden isn’t, but I don’t dare ask. There’s something going on with those two, but I have to get myself squared away before I can worry about anybody else.

“Gotcha. I’ll tell him you’re not mad anymore.” Winking, she skips off, leaving me there to stare after them. Shelby practically pushes Jack out the door. I kind of wish he would stay. Maybe fight for me like he fought for me before I screwed it all up.

Like a coward, I say nothing to Jack, whispering, “I love you, Shelby. See you on the flipside.” Leaning against the wall, I take a deep breath and tell myself this will get better. Other members of the group file into the room, some looking worse off than I do and some looking less invested. I want to be one of the invested ones. It just
has
to get better.