Determination (34 page)

“I wish I could come home and take you, but I have a meeting this afternoon I can’t miss. I’ll transfer a couple thousand to your account for books and such from the bookstore. I’ll pay the tuition as soon as I have a bill. Oh, Jamie, I’m so proud of you!” The love and joy in his voice warmed me to my very core, and I smiled, though he couldn’t see me.

“Thanks, Dad, for everything.”

“You’re welcome, son. When I get home from work, we’ll go out to celebrate. Bring Alex and Mike or anyone else you want to invite.

This is really exciting news,” he said, and I got the mental image of him nearly bursting at the seams.

“Okay, I’m going to call Alex. I’ll text you later.” We hung up, and immediately I called Alex’s cell phone. He answered after three rings, breathless and mildly irritated.

“Yeah, Jamie, what’s… what’s up?” he panted, and I had the feeling the exertion had nothing to do with running up the stairs. I forced myself not to laugh as I explained about the college and advisor.

“Call your advisor and see if you can get in today. Of course I’ll take you,” Alex said. “Mike, can I borrow the Jeep to take Jamie over to the college?” I heard Mike’s muffled response and a quiet moan from Alex. Knowing them, Mike was blowing Alex while he talked to me. The thought made me feel incredibly alone.

Determination

219

My advisor turned out to be a flamingly straight literary critic who was overjoyed to read my essay and start me on my path to academic success. Mr. Stewart had the big personality and sweeping gestures of a gay man but didn’t look twice at Alex or me when we came in the room. As we sat talking about the freshman classes for an English degree, I also noticed a picture on his desk of him and his wife.

Next to that picture sat one of two teenage girls, one smiling through braces. The scene screamed of a normalcy that I would probably never achieve.

“Okay, Jamie, here’s your schedule. You can go over to the bookstore any time before term starts in three weeks, but I’d recommend going sooner rather than later to make sure they still have what you need. I’ll be your instructor for your freshman comp class, so I look forward to seeing what you can do,” Mr. Stewart said as he stood up and held out his hand. I shook it and then broached the subject I didn’t want to discuss, but of course, I had to.

“Mr. Stewart, as you read in my entrance essay, I have seizures.

I’m wondering who would be the best person to talk to about that,” I explained. Rather than looking at the desk and avoiding his eye, as I had done with people so often over the last two years, I looked him straight in the face. The newfound confidence and my ability to talk about my flaws without hiding surprised me. Maybe I was finally growing up, and that surprised me most of all.

“I’ll make sure the administrative staff puts a note in your emergency contact records, and I’ll send an e-mail to our medical staff.

We’ll make sure that you’re taken care of, but you will want to warn each of your instructors about your situation so they’ll be prepared if you have a seizure in class,” he advised.

“I will, thank you, Mr. Stewart,” I said as I stood up, gathered my bag, and walked out of his office. Alex waited in the small reception area. He looked up from a battered copy of
People
and then tossed the magazine aside to join me.

“We just have to get my books. Thank you so much for doing this,” I told him again. I’d said it about twenty times on the way over to the college, but he really didn’t have to drop everything to take me. I loved the fact that he did, though. After he waved me off, yet again, I 220

Jamie Mayfield

added, “Oh, my dad wants to take us all out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Are you guys free?”

“I think so. Let me text Mike and Em. Anyone else?” he asked cautiously, but I shook my head. I doubted Brian would care that I got into college since he didn’t seem to care about me at all.

“Leo, if he wants, but I’d like to keep it small.”

“No problem.” He finished sending off the text and put the smartphone back in his pocket. We walked across the quad to the bookstore and spent the next hour picking up textbooks, notebooks, pens, pencils, folders, and all the other supplies either of us thought I would need for my first semester in college. We went a little overboard, but my dad wouldn’t care. He’d be thrilled I found something that excited me, and I was excited. Even though I was scared, and a few of the topics didn’t look all that appealing, I wanted the semester to start.

“What time is it?” I asked Alex as we headed back to the Jeep.

“It’s four thirty. Mike just sent me a text and asked us to pick up him and Em on our way back to your house.” Alex pulled the keys out of his pocket and unlocked the doors. So I grabbed my own smartphone and sent my dad a text saying that I’d gotten my books and supplies, and we were on our way to get my friends. If he wasn’t able to go out to dinner, we could always order in pizza and hang out.

On a Monday afternoon, commuters made traffic murder, and it took nearly forty-five minutes for us to get to the boardinghouse. Not until we pulled around the last corner and the boardinghouse came into view did I realize that Brian and I would be in the same place for the first time since I left the hospital. Over two months without a word, and I’d be within throwing distance of him.

“I think I’ll stay here,” I said quietly when Alex turned off the ignition. He turned in the seat like he wanted to say something, but one look at the sadness in my face must have stopped him because he simply nodded and got out of the Jeep.

It took just five minutes for my hands to shake.

After ten minutes, my leg started to bounce.

I threw open the door, swung myself out of the Jeep, and hoped the fresh air would help calm my nerves. Leaning against the passenger Determination

221

door, I looked up at the door of the big building and wondered how damn long it took Alex to drag Mike and Em down the stairs. If they stopped to do it in the bathhouse, I’d kill them both. A flicker of movement from the left caught my eye, and I followed it. Brian stood at one of the huge windows on the third floor. Because of the distance and the glare on the glass, I couldn’t see him very well, but I’d know him anywhere. I’d know the shape of his face, the outline of his body, and even though he’d had them cut, his beautiful, soft curls.

Though I knew I should just get back in the Jeep, I could not look away from his face. His eyes locked on mine, and we stood unmoving for several minutes, just staring at each other. Damn it, I wished I could walk up to his room on the third floor and just talk things out with him.

I missed him so much. The front door banged open then, but neither Brian nor I was willing to look away. We continued to hold each other’s gaze until Mike, Emilio, and Alex joined me on the curb. Mike and Alex kept walking toward the Jeep, but Em stopped and looked up to see where I was looking. He sighed quietly and wrapped an arm tightly around my shoulders. Squeezing lightly, he gave me a quick hug before he pulled me toward the open door. I looked down briefly to make sure I didn’t trip. When I turned back to the window, Brian was gone.

Em climbed into the Jeep first and opened his arms to me. I didn’t even hesitate; I just climbed into them and rested my head on his chest, trying not to let the overwhelming pain consume me. He never even came down to see how I was. Brian really didn’t love me anymore.

Emilio’s fingers stroked my cheek and my hair as I let him comfort me.

His slow, steady heartbeat sounded more real than anything else in my world.

“He knew I was there, and he didn’t want to see me, Em,” I whispered against his shirt. “Will it ever not hurt?” His gentle lips touched my hair as he kissed me on top of the head and held me closer against him.

“Maybe you should just let go, baby,” he whispered back and kissed my forehead. The thought of letting Brian go cut through me like a hot blade. My chest ached with the pain of it. My throat burned, but I 222

Jamie Mayfield

refused to cry over Brian in front of them. I’d save that for later when they’d gone home to him.

Once they were all gone, I could let my heart break.

Determination

223

Eighteen

IT TOOK a couple of days after my stare down with Brian at the boardinghouse for me to be able to leave my room. My father had come up and brought me food and soda, but it sat untouched until he took it back again. He tried so hard to engage me, to talk about school or anything else he thought would bring me out of my pain. Alex, Mike, and Em all called, but I let the calls go to voice mail. I’d answer them when I could function again. Seeing Brian so unexpectedly with absolutely no reaction from him made me want to crawl under the covers in my brand-new bed and never come out again.

On Wednesday, when I couldn’t stand staring at the walls of my self-imposed prison any longer, I grabbed my laptop bag so I could send Brian a scathing e-mail about deserting me and what a complete dick he was being. As I pulled the bag off my desk, the book Christian had given me the week before landed on the bed. I looked at it for a long time and wondered if it could really help me find some peace, not only with the addiction, but with my pain over Brian. Deciding that I could always call Brian a dick later, I opened the book and started to read.

After the first chapter, I’d determined the author was a flake, but I really liked some of the concepts he talked about. While I didn’t think there were really seven disks of energy spinning throughout various parts of my body, I liked his ideas on centering myself before making decisions and how to live a balanced life. The first chakra, according to the book, dealt with our survival instinct. When a person felt threatened or scared, the chakra was out of alignment. There were different 224

Jamie Mayfield

exercises and things to try to bring it back into balance. I found them more helpful than different stones to carry around or Tibetan bowl chimes, which frankly hurt my head when I downloaded a few from the Internet to listen to.

That night, I felt in control enough for my dad to take me to my Narcotics Anonymous meeting at the rehab center—first, because I needed to go, but second, because I wanted to talk to Christian about the things I’d been reading. I guessed by the necklace he wore that he believed more deeply in the spiritual nature behind the stones than I did, but maybe there was something to it I didn’t see. A compass can spin and point north because of magnetic forces in metal; maybe these stones had properties that I couldn’t see.

I ate in silence at the table with my father, who glanced at me every few minutes. It looked like he was trying to gauge my mood, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. The chakras felt like they were something special, and I couldn’t let him ruin them for me with his analytical mind, not before I really got a chance to explore them. Even if they could just help me center myself, if they could help me make good decisions without feeling like I was going to fall apart, if they could help me get over my pain of losing Brian… I’d take it.

My phone rang then, and I pulled it out of my pocket so I could see the display.
Em
. I hadn’t called him back since the night we went out to dinner with my father to celebrate my entrance to college. Em embodied the decision I had to make about letting go of Brian. I wasn’t sure I could do it, even if Em would be there to catch me. Brian had been everything to me for so long. Since we were eleven years old, he’d represented the best part of me, the best part of my life, and soon that would be gone forever. I couldn’t stand it.

Sliding my finger across the screen, I answered the call.

“Hey, Em,” I answered quietly as my dad studiously continued to eat, though I was sure he listened to every word.

“I’ve called you like ten times, Jamie,” Em said with a sigh.

“How are you doing?” I turned so I could look out over the back lawn.

Mike would be there the next day to cut the grass. It was time for me to pull myself out of the funk I’d fallen into.

Determination

225

“I know, Em, I’m sorry. I just… I’m okay. Seeing him like that just hurt more than I expected.”

“I can imagine, baby, but you sound better today,” he observed, and I closed my eyes.
Did I sound better?
I couldn’t decide. “You want to go catch a movie later?”

The hesitation in his voice made me feel like maybe he wasn’t just asking as a friend. Thankfully, I didn’t have to make the decision to go on a date.

“I’m sorry, Em, I can’t. I have my NA meeting tonight, and I really need to go.” The desperate need in my voice surprised me. Of course, I’d been thinking about getting high since Brian appeared at the window. I longed for the oblivion drugs could give me from the heartache and loneliness, but I couldn’t seriously consider going out and buying them. The bus didn’t run out here, and I couldn’t drive. No way would I ask my dad to take me to score, so that helped with the cravings, but God, how I wished for it.

My dad watched me carefully as I promised Em I’d call him the next day and hung up the phone. I could feel his eyes on me as I slid the phone back into my pocket. He wanted to know if he could trust me, and right then, I had no answers for him, so I didn’t say anything.