Desperation of Love (13 page)

“Jordan!” I call out as I enter through the front door and turn on the lights. There’s no reply from her so I walk through the lower level, searching for her in each room. When I can’t find her, I run up the stairs taking them two at a time. I can only assume that she’s sleeping and hasn’t heard me come home yet. The thought of crawling up beside her in bed makes me smile. I open my bedroom door and am shocked by what I find. This girl owns me.

I can only imagine what Alex is thinking when he opens the door to his bedroom. He’s greeted by a room lit only by the gentle glow of the strategically placed candles in every corner of his bedroom. He looks around, trying to take it all in, then freezes when his gaze lands on me. I’m sitting in the center of his bed, wearing nothing but a red satin robe and black lace bra and panties that leave very little to the imagination.

“Holy shit!” He breathes out, taking in the sight of me. “What—” He stops mid thought when I reach for the sash on my robe and undo it slowly. I gently shrug my shoulders, allowing the robe to slide down my body and reveal my undergarments.

“I missed you,” I say softly, slowly, meticulously lowering myself until I’m lying back on the bed, resting my weight on my elbows. “All I could think about while I was working was how I really just wanted to end my day here, with you.”

His eyes turn languid, but he says nothing. He grabs the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head, tossing it to the ground as he stalks over to me. He reaches the foot of the bed and quickly discards his shoes and the rest of his clothing, leaving him completely bared to me. He crawls on the bed, only coming to a stop when he’s positioned over my body. He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and looks me in the eye. “No one has ever done anything like this for me,” he says. My eyes fill with unshed tears. “Whatever you felt that made you do this for me tonight, I want you to know that I felt it, too.” 

I try to fight the tears. I really do, but I can’t control it. One escapes and rolls down my cheek. Alex catches it, wiping it away with his thumb. “Why are you crying, princess?” he questions.

“Because I wish I could take away everything that has hurt you.”

“You have,” he says, lowering his face to mine, probing my lips apart with his tongue. It’s these moments with Alex when I feel like I can finally let myself be who I want to be. A woman who is fearless, open to all the experiences that life has to offer. As he leaves a trail of kisses all over my body, I allow myself to experiment with the knowledge that I’ve fallen in love with Alex. Even though I can’t say the words out loud, I can express it through my actions. After all, that’s what this whole night is about. Letting him know that I’m crazy in love with him without having to actually admit it. It may not be perfect, but it’s the best I have to give at this stage of the game.

He unhooks my bra and carefully slides it off me. The combination of cold air and the heat of his stare cause my nipples to pebble up. He cups my left breast in his hand as he lowers his mouth to my right, flicking the nipple with his tongue before taking it into his mouth. He tugs at it gently with his teeth then licks it to soothe the area that he just bit. A whimper escapes from my mouth at the feel of the slow suction from his mouth. Once he’s satisfied that he’s spent enough time there, he switches over to my left breast, repeating the pattern.

Alex knows how to prolong sex, draw it out until you just can’t take it anymore. It’s his specialty. This is painfully slow in the best possible way. It’s as if he’s trying to commit every inch of me to memory, taking his time, making sure every piece of me is caressed. Every movement, every touch, every flick of the tongue is calculated, carefully orchestrated and arranged in a manner that he knows will cause me to ignite. He starts to move south, kissing every inch of me slowly, leaving me desperate for more. I’m starting to think he’ll never stop and I’m not so sure I want him to. He comes to the edge of my panty line, placing one last kiss there before lifting himself up just long enough to pull them off me. He uses his hands to push my legs apart before lowering himself back down. I can feel his breath on my inner thigh right before he kisses me there. I’m quickly losing control. I know where this is going, but I swear if he kisses me there, I’ll lose my mind. I need him now. I grab hold of his hair, prompting him to stop. “I can’t. Please, Alex. Please.”

He gives me a cocky grin then slips his tongue in my folds, slowly licking me from back to front until his tongue swirls around my clit, causing my hips to buck. “What do you need, baby?” he asks, licking me there again.

“You!” I cry out, tightening my hold on his hair.

“You have me,” he replies, licking me again. I’m on the verge of a meltdown at this point. “Where do you want me?”

I struggle to catch my breath. “Inside me, please.” I don’t care that I’m begging now, it’s irrelevant. My body is on fire and I need him to make it better.

He pushes himself up until we’re face to face. I can feel him at my opening. “Right here?”

I push my hips up. “Yes.”

“Are you mine?” He’s serious now, his eyes searching mine. He needs to hear that I’m committed to him, that I accept the importance of this relationship, that it means more than all the others I’ve had. I comprehend that need because, surprisingly, I need it from him too.

“Yes, Alex. I’m yours. Only yours.”

“Wrap your legs around me,” he commands. He’s taken total control of me now, and I willingly give it up to him. I may have started this encounter but I can easily let go now because I trust him to take care of me. I wrap my legs around his waist, and in the same breath, he slides inside me. Sex has never been this good for me before. I’m starting to realize that it’s amazing because of the bond we’ve formed. I’ve never had this before. It’s always been so easy for me to enjoy the physical connection with someone while blocking out the emotional involvement. Alex won’t allow me to do that with him, and in turn, he’s opened me to a whole new way of experiencing sex. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t love it and fear it at the same time. This is an entirely new level of intensity for me, and while it’s truly mind blowing, I’m also very aware of how badly it will hurt if it ends.

Alex claims my mouth again, kissing me harder as he increases his rhythm. I begin to move my hips, matching his pace thrust for thrust until we’re both lost in a frenzy of heat. The familiar buildup starts to course through my body. I tighten my legs around Alex’s waist and hold onto his back as my orgasm hits. I cry out his name as I ride it out, hearing him grunt in my ear as he finds his release. We lay there, entwined, as we come down from our respective highs, his arms around me as I run my fingers up and down his spine. “Holy shit, babe. Thank you,” he says, causing me to giggle.

“You’re very welcome,” I respond, tightening my hold on him. Loving the way he lays partially on top of me and still fills me up. His eyes are glued on mine, seeing me on a deeper level than any man has before. I’m glad for that. I’m grateful that if anyone could ever get to the core of me, it would be him. I close my eyes as he withdraws from me, trying to picture what the future might be like with Alex. The thought of him not being with me causes a dull ache in my chest. The idea that I might do something to destroy the way he looks at me causes me physical pain. What kind of life would it be if I shatter yet another relationship? How much longer can I go on living the same pattern over and over again? It’s not what I want. I don’t want to push away lover after lover until I end up completely lost and alone. The future that I want is here now, breathing the same air, sharing the same space. As I try to ease the panic, I mentally chant to myself
I will not destroy this
. I repeat it to myself on an endless loop as if I’m trying to drill it into my brain to make it a fact. I breathe through the panic, slowly allowing the tightness in my chest to recede.

Tonight was a big night for me. It’s a huge step toward something that I find myself wanting more and more. The fact that I put myself out there for Alex wasn’t easy, but it felt good, liberating. Not the kind of freedom you get when you step out of a jail cell, or come out on the other side of a bad marriage. It’s the kind of freedom that comes from giving yourself permission to accept your own emotions and share them with someone else. I’ve always been good at taking what I’ve wanted without giving away any piece of myself, but tonight was different.

“Can I spend the night?” I find myself asking.

“You don’t have to ask, babe,” he says, smoothing out my hair.

“Well, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t want some space tonight.”

“I think we’ve already established that your idea of space doesn’t work for us.” He teases.

I burrow my head into his side. “Ugh, you’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“What fun would that be?” he asks with a smirk on his face.

“It would be nice,” I respond, never taking my eyes off his.

“Who says I’m nice? In fact, right now, I think nice is the last thing I want to be.”

“What do you want to be?” Excitement stirs in my belly.

“Bad.” He snarls, flipping me onto my stomach. His fingers grab hold of my hips and he pulls me up until my ass is in the air and my head is on the mattress. He keeps hold of me with his left hand, as his right hand travels up my spine, stopping only when he reaches the nape of my neck, letting me know that this is about control, exerting his dominance over me. No words are necessary for him to relay the message that I’m his, however he wants me and I want it all. “Do you like it when I’m bad, princess?”

“Yes,” I cry out as he slams into me from behind, never relinquishing his grip on me. Fuck, we’ve never done it like this before. I’m normally such a control freak and this position doesn’t give me much of that, which is why I don’t understand why I’m loving it so much. My body is responding to Alex, relishing every movement that he makes. Each thrust is a step closer to subduing the beast that lives inside me. The one that fights to keep people away. He lulls it to sleep, quieting the fears that have tried to take up permanent residence within me. This must be what trust feels like in a relationship. Letting down your guard, letting your partner take you to places that you’ve never been before, those dark places that would otherwise terrify you, but you go anyway because you know that this person has the ability to protect you from those frightening places. And when you let yourself go, you realize that the things you found so terrifying before are actually not what you presumed them to be.

Alex tightens his hold on my neck. It borders on rough but his touch sets me on fire. I’m lit up and the electric currents coursing through my body are more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt. I can sense the orgasm about to hit and I know it’s going to tear through me unmercifully. I practically beg for it, crying out a mix of his name and other unrecognizable words until it hits. Alex holds on a little longer until he finally releases into me. We collapse face down on the bed together. My last thought before I fall asleep is that we’re so tangled up that I’m no longer sure where my body ends and his begins, and I’m happy. I’m very happy.

I had a hard time dragging myself out of Alex’s bed this morning, but I knew if I didn’t we’d just end up staying there all day. I take a shower, and after getting dressed, come downstairs to find Alex.

“Morning, princess. What do you want for breakfast?” he asks as I walk into the kitchen.

“Can I have anything I want?” I quip as he hands me a cup of coffee.

“Anything,” he responds, dipping down to suck on my neck. I let out a moan, putting my cup down on the counter and wrapping my arms around him. “I like having you here when I wake up,” he says, giving me a squeeze.

“I like it too,” I say, burying my face in the crook of his neck. The sound of Alex’s ringing cell phone brings us out of our cozy huddle. I let go of him, allowing him to walk across the room to answer it.

“Hey, Mom.” He sighs into the receiver. It’s like he’s preparing himself for the worst and I’m suddenly more alert. It’s not that I want to pry but I just want to make sure I’m there if he needs me.