Desired Affliction (10 page)

(Lexi)

“Oh my god Lexi…what happened? What’s wrong,” Megan
rushed to me when she got home. Radley was right behind her. I had been crying
for over two hours and I even tried to call Kole four times but he wouldn’t
answer. I turned my head to the side so I would not be muffled by my pillow.
“Kole broke up with me,” Saying it out loud made it so much more real and the
tears fell once again.

Megan turned to look at Radley and then back to me, “Did
he say why?” She brushed my hair away from my face, “Yeah he thinks that night
that I went to the bar…the one I told you about.” She nodded in response, “He
thinks I went home with some guy…I tried telling him how I freaked and ran out
but he automatically assumed that I had sex with someone. He called me a slut
and screamed at me cussing and then left. He won’t answer my calls and I don’t
know what to do. I tried telling him but he wouldn’t listen…he wouldn’t
listen.”

Radley whispered something to Megan then he left. I
turned back to face her, “Where did he go?” Megan sat next to me on my bed as
she continued to brush my hair out of my face. “He’s going to talk to
Kole…right now he is hurting. I know he didn’t mean the things he said Lex.
Kole cares about you a lot. Just give him some time to calm down.”

I sat next to Megan as I remembered everything Kole said
to me. I can still feel my body flinching each time he raised his voice and my
heart shattering into a million pieces when he called me a slut. The disgust on
his face was unforgettable. I felt so broken and I never even cheated. I told
the creep at the bar that I had a boyfriend. I never even took a drink…why
didn’t he just let me finish.

I knew what I needed to do, “Meg…can you come with me? I
have to go talk to him. Even if we are over I still want him to know that I never
cheated on him. He won’t answer my calls and I can’t just sit here…please come
with me.” Megan smiled at me the best she could, “Okay let’s go…I’ll drive.”

(Kole)

It was forced but I continued to kiss Hope. I didn’t kiss
her with any feeling it was mechanical. I kept envisioning Lexi smiling at me.
It was a complete cock block. I was so pissed at her and at this moment all I
wanted was to show her that two can play at this game. I planned on fucking
Hope and any other girl that wanted it. I planned on partying and getting laid
by a different girl every night. I would have to drown out the image of Lexi
from my mind. I had to move on because I refused to forgive her for cheating on
me. That chapter was now closed…lessoned learned. Don’t trust relationships.

I stood up and pulled Hope along with me toward my room.
I pinned her against the wall just outside my room and pushed tightly against
her. I let her reached into the front of my pants and she fisted my hardness.
“I have missed sex with you Kole,” I wanted to tell her to shut up because the
sound of her voice was killing the mood fast. I fumbled for the door handle and
pushed it opened as I walked her into the room backwards. “What the fuck Kole!”
I turned to find Radley standing in my doorway, “We need to talk now.” I
laughed as I lightly pushed Hope back onto the bed and crawled over the top of
her, “Hey Rad you better shut the door unless you want to watch me fuck her.”

“She didn’t cheat on you asshole…your about to fuck up everything
with Lexi over nothing,” I tried to block him out. He slammed the door shut. I
grabbed Hope’s shirt and yanked it over her head followed by mine. I quickly
worked her skirt down her legs and threw it to the floor. I kissed her hard
just to attempt to keep her quiet. I reached into her panties and found her
ready and wet as I slid my finger into her. It felt wrong this whole thing did
but I forced myself to continue.

Hope reached for my dick which I was fighting to keep
hard. She started stroking me. I kept myself suspended above her and watched
her stroke me trying so hard to concentrate. I hated to see her long ass red
nails curled around me…I tried to imagine Lexi’s tiny little fingers and I felt
myself getting hard, “Oh yes here he comes.” Hope whispered in response to my
growing erection. I heard someone talking outside my door. It sounded like
‘don’t go in there’ but before I could figure out what was happening my door
flew open and Hope covered herself with her hands.

My heart sank and my chest tightened. Lexi stood in the
doorway staring at me as I still held myself over Hope who was only wearing
panties. It was like time froze for an instant. I could swear that I heard Lexi
swallow hard. She stared into my eyes with such pain and I slowly adjusted
myself back into my pants. Hope scrambled for a blanket and covered herself.
Over Lexi’s shoulder I could see Megan with her hand held tightly over her
mouth and next to her a very pissed off Radley.

I brought my attention back to Lexi who was still staring
at me with glossy eyes. She blinked and the tears ran down her cheeks, “You
sure didn’t wait long did you?” I watched her closely, “At least I waited until
after we broke up.” She walked over to my dresser where I had a framed picture
of her and me from the night we went out with Megan and Radley. She was
snuggled closely in front of me and I had my nose buried into her hair with my
eyes closed. She was giggling…I loved that picture. It was the first night she
never flinched when I touched her. Lexi picked it up and looked at it before
turning back to face me.

“You know what is really funny about all this? You think
I cheated so you blame me for ruining our relationship. You called me a slut
and told me it was over…but you run back here and find your personal little
‘Whore’ so you can ‘Pay Me Back’. You’re gonna show me how two go play huh…fuck
Hope and throw it in Lexi’s face.” Lexi looked back down at the picture she
held in her hands and all at once it came flying across the room and as I ducked
my head it hit the wall directly behind me and shattered. Hope screamed and
Megan gasped but I just look back to Lexi. She wiped her tears from her cheeks,
“I never slept with anybody Kole.” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder
toward Megan, “If you would have listened to the whole thing…I could have told
you that I was on the phone with Megan while I was at the bar. I freaked out
because I knew that it wasn’t for me anymore and I ran to my car and left…I
never even took a sip of the drinks I ordered.”

My heart was beating so fast and I felt like my chest was
going to explode. I almost fucked Hope because I was too stupid to listen to
Lexi. I took a step toward her, “Lex baby…I’m sorry.” She turned and walked out
my door but before she walked away she looked over her shoulder, “Kole I just
want you to remember that you broke us and what you’ve done…it’s can’t be
forgotten. You shattered my heart…Good Bye Kole.”

I watched Lexi walk away and I flopped down onto my bed
letting my head fall forward. I felt Hope’s hand run up my back and I knew
right then what Lexi meant by feeling dirty. I had never felt more disgusting
then I do right now. “Kole just forget about her…come here,” Hope tried pulling
me to her and I jerked my arm away. “Get out Hope,” she looked at me as if I
was joking, “I said Get.The.Fuck.Out!” Hope rose from the bed grabbing her
clothes and she walked out of my room.

What have I
done?                         

(Lexi)

So this is what a broken heart feels like. Now I could
understand why I tried to stay away from feeling like this. It is miserable…I
can’t stomach food I can’t sleep without nightmare’s. I hate seeing couples
because it just makes me miss Kole and I couldn’t miss him…I refused to allow
him anymore of my heart. My classes completely sucked because I could not get
my head wrapped around it all. I always felt claustrophobic once I was sitting
in my desk and the professor started talking…like it was all closing in around
me.

Two days after I walked in on Kole and Hope in his bed he
showed up at my dorm with flowers…I walked passed him like I didn’t know him.
He followed me upstairs and I slammed my door in his face. I later found the
flowers sitting outside of my door. I left them there for a few days until they
wilted and Megan finally threw them out but she kept the card that was attached
to it and put it on my desk…a week later it was still in the same spot.

It was almost two weeks and I decided I needed some
changes. When I walked into the dorm Megan’s jawed hit the floor, “Oh My
God!...That looks so hot. I can’t believe you cut it off.” Megan jumped up from
the bed to run her fingers through my hair. I had hair so long it rested just
at my waist and it was all the same length. I had decided to make a spur of the
moment change and now my hair rested just past my shoulder with long layers
throughout and it framed my face. I had also added some highlights and now my
dark brown hair was flowing with caramel. It wasn’t the only change I had made
as I flipped my wrist over and showed Radley and Megan my new ink. A simple
small Chinese letter was now tattooed on my inner left wrist, “What does it
mean?” Radley asked as he looked closely, “Strength…I thought it was fitting. I
joined a support group…for rape victims.” They both looked up at me and Megan’s
eyes filled with tears almost instantly as she hugged me closely, “I am so
proud of you Lex…that is so great.” Radley gave me a one arm squeeze and I let
my head fall to rest on his shoulder, “Thanks guys…I’m ready to start healing
myself. It’s time.”

I had my first group on Wednesday at the community center
just off campus. I was so nervous but when I signed up I was told you talk when
you are ready otherwise you just listen. I slowly walked up the sidewalk and my
hands were shaking so badly. I had to take a few deep breaths and I pushed the
door forcing myself to move forward. I was done hiding.

The group consisted of about ten ladies and they appeared
to range from teens to middle age women. We all introduced ourselves and whether
this was our first session or if we had been to group before. The counselor
began talking about humiliation and feeling at fault for what had happened to
us. She explained that these were all normal reactions. A few women shared
their stories and I was surprised at the differences stories. The youngest of
the group was Natalie she was only seventeen and she was a victim of date rape
when she was sixteen. She opened up so freely about her situation and I was
amazed at her strength. I traced my fingers over the inner part of my wrist
remembering my recent tattoos meaning. I would get there I made a promise to
myself and I refused to give up.

After my session ended I made a quick stop for gas and
drove back to the dorms. I sat in my car for a few minutes. I let my music
softly play as I sang along with the radio…I reached up flipping down my visor.
I had a picture of Kole stashed there. I refused to admit to anyone how much I
truly missed him. I had allowed myself to fall in love and my heart still ached
daily for him. I knew though that what we had was over. He moved on with Hope
and I hadn’t even heard from him after the day he attempted to give me flowers.

The flowers…I just remembered the card that was on my
desk. I shut my car off and made my way upstairs. Megan was gone and I was
secretly glad. I wouldn’t have to explain why I was ready to read it after
almost three weeks.

It took a few minutes but I found it buried behind all my
biology papers I was using to study for finals. I held it in my hand as I
stared at my name printed in block letters on the front…

LEXI

I slowly slid my finger along the edge opening the sealed
envelope…I pulled it out and flipped it over but kept my eyes forward. A letter
was inside and fell to my lap. After a couple deep breathes…I pick it up and
unfolded it.

Hey
beautiful I screwed up pretty badly didn’t I? I know that no amount of flowers
or apologies will ever make up for what I did. I let my pride get in the way
when I should have just listened to you. I should have waited for you to
explain but that is now a mistake that I will have to live the rest of my life
with. I never meant to hurt you Lexi. You are the last person I

ever wanted to hurt. I never expected to be saying what I
am about to for the first time in a letter to you but I know you can’t really
stand to look at me long enough to hear it in person…hell half days I have a
hard time looking at myself too. Lexi I think I freaked so much because that
day when I showed up at your room and we made love…it finally hit me. It hit me
hard that I was in love with you. I am in love with you and I was so freaked
when you started talking because I was ready to tell you that I loved you and
then I heard your confession. I never should have jumped to conclusions but I
can’t fix that mistake now I just have to live with it. I just wanted you to
know how much you do mean to me and you’ll always be that amazing girl I met in
college and fell in love with…I’m so sorry that I had to screw it all up. I’ll
always love you baby and I will never stop missing you.

I love you always

Kole

I couldn’t swallow passed the
thickness that was in my throat. Was that a letter saying goodbye? Knowing he
hurt me…was he saying that he was just going to let go walk away and not even attempt
to fight for it. Did I want him to fight for it? I had no idea what I should
do…

(Kole)

“Hey Kole have you seen Lexi lately? I got to say it dude
the girl is looking fine. She changed her hair…hell I had to look twice before
I figured out it really was her. I just got to say if you don’t fight for that
girl…damn you must be crazy,” there really was not a damn thing I could say to
that.  Bradley was right. I should be fighting for Lexi but I can’t face
her. After seeing the way she looked at me when she found me and Hope broke my
heart. I never wanted to be responsible for hurting her like that. She couldn’t
even look at me when I brought her flowers. I don’t have the first clue how to
fix this.