Desire (19 page)

Gareth reached out to touch her hand. "Calm yourself, Clare. There is no need to protest your innocence to me. It doesn't matter."

"You're right." She scowled. "You will not hear any more argument on the subject from me, my lord."

"So be it. I am pleased to learn that."

"In truth, the status of my virginity is neither here nor there."

"Aye. What's done is done."

"And when all is said and done," she said a little too sweetly, "I have no doubt but that I come to this bed at least as pure and untouched as yourself."

Gareth grimaced. "No doubt."

"Surely no man can ask more than that of a bride."

Gareth was stunned to feel the sudden heat in his face. Belatedly he wondered if she was teasing him. He glared at her. "Mayhap we should change the subject, madam."

"Aye, you are right, sir." Her expression softened. She put out a hand and lightly touched his arm. "In all fairness, our mutual virginity, or lack of it, is not the problem at the moment, is it?"

"Nay." Gareth was unable to think of anything else to say. He did not want to talk about anything at all. He simply wanted to make love to his wife. Was that too much to ask? he wondered glumly.

"The important thing," Clare continued crisply, "is that I have just learned how powerful physical desire truly is when it is wielded by a man of your nature, sir."

Gareth eyed her cautiously. "My nature?"

"Tis obvious you are a man of great passions."

"Tis obvious you are a woman who incites great passions, madam."

"I am well aware that I have a responsibility in this matter," she assured him.

"Excellent. We have that much established, then." He dropped his second boot on the floor and rose to remove his undertunic.

Clare frowned in thought. "Tis plain that we must take care to control this extremely volatile force before it assumes complete command of you, my lord."

Gareth had his tunic half over his head. He stopped, hesitated for the count of three, and slowly released his grip on the garment. The gray gown fell back down over his body.

"What did you say?" he asked very softly.

Her expression of grave concern deepened. "I said that we must exercise extreme caution if we are to protect you, my lord."

"Protect me from what?" he roared, now out of patience.

Her eyes widened, but she appeared startled rather than afraid. "You're shouting."

"Nay, madam," he said through his teeth. "Not yet. But soon, mayhap. Very soon."

She sighed. "Tis simply more evidence, of course."

"Evidence of what?"

"The strength of your passions." She smiled with gentle understanding. '"Tis clear that because of your warm nature, you are on the verge of forgetting our understanding."

"I am?"

"Aye. As your wife and for the sake of our growing friendship, I must help you resist this great temptation. After all, your honor is at stake."

Gareth wondered if he had lost count of how many :ups of wine he had downed during the long banquet. He lever allowed himself to get drunk. Indeed, he did not feel drunk, he thought, but his wits were beginning to reel.

"Are you trying to tell me that making love to you tonight will somehow put my honor in jeopardy ?" he asked very carefully.

"I know how much it would distress you to awake in he morning knowing that you had allowed passion to seize you in its clutches and caused you to forget our understanding.."

"By the fires of hell, madam, I do not believe what I m hearing. Forget that damned understanding. We did not have one."

She stared at him. "But we did, sir. We agreed that we would become friends before we consummated this marriage."

"No, we did not agree to that." He spaced each word out with great care. "You announced your foolish intention, but you never asked for my agreement. And by the devil, I never gave it."

"Surely you can see that if we succumb to passion tonight it will ruin our chances of creating a marriage based in friendship and trust."

Gareth grabbed at the reins of his temper and held on to them with all of his strength. "This is the most crazed thing I have ever heard."

"You did not say that yesterday."

"Rest assured I was thinking it."

She looked stricken. "Do you not want trust and friendship to grow between us?"

"They will both come with time." He groped for a way to turn her logic in a new direction. "Do you trust me, Clare?"

"Aye." She sighed. "But you do not trust me."

"That is not true."

"You think that I have allowed other men to make love to me, even though I have told you that I have never lain with any other man."

"I have also told you that your virginity or lack of it does not matter to me. I am not concerned with the past. Only the future."

"I'm sure that is very gallant of you, sir, but we cannot have a satisfactory future together unless that future be built • upon a foundation of trust." She fixed him with an unhappy gaze. "And you do not trust me. Admit it. You think I have lied to you."

"Devil take it, madam, your virginity is your own business."

"I appreciate your enlightened attitude on the subject. But that is not really the issue, is it?"

He speared his fingers through his hair. "I feel as though I am sinking into a marsh."

"Sir, I am convinced that we must both learn to trust each other if we are to be mutually content in our marriage."

He saw the pride and the hurt in her eyes and in that moment he suddenly knew that she was telling him the truth. No other man had touched her. He had been a fool to believe otherwise. Clare would never lie to him about such a thing.

Clare was too proud, too spirited, too bold to lie about anything.

Satisfaction rushed through him. He had no right to be so fortunate, he told himself, but he was not one to protest against the happy fate that had given him an untouched wife.

He smiled slowly. "I believe you when you say that no other man has made love to you."

She gazed at him, uncertain and wary. "Tis the passion talking now, my lord. The lure of it is making you say what you think I want to hear."

He shook his head, still smiling. He recalled her untutored response to his intimate kisses. "Nay. I want you very much, but I am not such a weakling that I am a complete slave to passion. It does not have the

power to make me lie. I believe you when you tell me that you are untouched, Clare."

Clare twisted her hands in her lap. "I wish I could be certain of that."

"You can be certain of it. You must learn to trust me as much as I trust you."

"Aye." She looked doubtful.

"You do trust me, do you not?"

"I think so."

"You think so?" He was suddenly incensed. "Clare a moment ago you said you did trust me."

"It is all too confusing to sort out tonight, my lord." She smiled apologetically. "I feel it would be best if we carried out my original plan."

"Original plan?"

"Aye. We will not consummate this marriage until we both feel confident that we enjoy each other's full and unwavering trust."

Gareth closed his eyes briefly. "God give me strength, madam."

"I'm sure he will, Gareth." Clare gave him a winning smile. "And in the meantime there is a pallet under the bed for you to use tonight."

He watched, dumbfounded, as she scurried to the edge of the bed, leaned down, and scrabbled around to pull out a sleeping pallet. "What in hell's name do you think you're doing?"

She looked up through the long swath of hair that was falling forward over her face. "Getting the pallet out for you."

He set his jaw. "I will sleep in the damned bed with you, wife."

She blinked and sat up slowly. "You're angry."

"Angry? Why should I be angry?" Gareth asked very softly. He swung around and strode over to the window seat.

"Gareth?"

He grasped the Window of Hell and stalked back to the bed.

"My lord." Clare stared at the sword in his hand. Her hand went to her throat.

Gareth raised the sword on high and then slammed the flat of the blade down onto the bed. Directly in the middle.

Clare gave a visible start. Then she turned her head warily to gaze down at the blade. It gleamed in the firelight, effectively dividing the massive bed into two portions.

"If this is how you wish to begin our married life," Gareth said through his teeth, "so be it. The Window of Hell shall share this bed with us tonight. It will protect you from my touch."

"I really do not think it's necessary to put your sword between us," Clare whispered.

"Have no fear, madam, you will sleep safe enough on your side of the bed. I shall occupy the other half."

"But the pallet—"

"I am not sleeping on the damned pallet. I have a right to my half of our bed, madam."

"I suppose that I could take the pallet."

"Nay. You will share the bed with me, lady. You desire proof of my self-mastery? Very well, you shall have it. Kindly let me know in the morning if you feel you can trust me."

Clare bit her lip but said nothing.

Gareth ignored her as he jerked off the remainder of his clothing and tossed it aside. He heard her small, choked exclamation when she caught sight of his still-aroused body. He pretended to ignore it, but he knew that if he had not already decided that she was innocent, her stunned gaze would have told him the truth.

He was going to pay a high price for his bad judgment and worse management of the situation. And he had no one but himself to blame.

Gareth crossed the chamber in three strides to tend to the fire. Then he went back across the room and yanked the bed curtains closed. He slid into bed beside Clare.

The Window of Hell lay between them, a steel barrier to passion.

It was very dark. The curtains blocked the glow of the dying embers. Gareth folded his arms behind his head and gazed up into the shadows. His loins ached. He was furious with himself.

It was going to be a very long night.

"Gareth?" Clare's voice was very soft and tinged with anxiety.

"Aye?"

"It just occurred to me that a portion of Beatrice's prediction came true."

"What prediction?"

"She said that you would draw your sword in the bridal chamber. And you did."

"Considering my luck of late, 'tis a wonder I did not trip on it and accidentally slit my own throat."

9

Clare awoke shortly before dawn, awash with regret. She realized that she was alone in the big bed. She could not escape the overwhelming conviction that she had blundered very badly during the night.

She wondered if she had destroyed whatever chance she'd had for a warm and loving friendship with her husband.

Loving.

That was what she wanted, Clare realized. She wanted to love and be loved. She had convinced herself that a solidly built friendship might lead to real love between herself and her husband, but last night she had ruined everything.

Gareth was not going to be feeling at all friendly toward her this morning.

She had made a mistake; she knew that now. But it was too late. She had angered him and in the process no doubt retreated several steps back from the kind of relationship she sought to forge.

Her stubborn pride and her arrogant faith in her own intelligence had gotten her into this mess. This was what came of not following the sound advice of those older and wiser than herself, she thought sadly.

Everyone from Beatrice to her old nurse, Agnes, had advised her to fulfill her responsibilities as a wife on her wedding night.

Now she had to start over from the beginning. She must undo the damage she had done and try to rebuild what she had willfully torn asunder last night.

A small, rustling sound from the other side of the bed curtain made Clare freeze.

"Gareth?"

" Tis too early to rise on the morning after a wedding. Go back to sleep, Clare."

She listened to him move about and wondered if he was getting dressed. Through the crack in the curtain she caught a brief glimpse of his nude body as he went past the bed. The sight sent a delicious chill through her. Memories flooded back, causing her to grow warm.

She had thought she wanted a slender, lean man, one built like a cat, not a great war-horse. But last night, after she had gotten over the shock of seeing Gareth's unclad body, she had soon changed her mind. She had discovered that she was not nearly as opposed to the notion of a very large husband as she had once believed herself to be.

A bit worried, mayhap, by the size of certain parts of him, but definitely not put off entirely by the overall notion.

Size, Clare decided, was only a problem in a man if his brain was quite small. When a man was blessed with intelligence and self-mastery, as Gareth clearly was, his physical size did not matter much at all.

Yet another lesson learned the hard way.

Clare remembered the shattering sensations Gareth had produced in her with his kisses and the touch of his fingers. He was no oafish, heavy-handed boor such as Nicholas of Seabern. He was a man who was willing to be patient with a woman.

And while it was true that Gareth had not vowed undying love nor composed poetry for her as Raymond once had, he was at least honest. He had not deliberately misled her the way Raymond had.

There was a soft thud on the other side of the curtain. Clare stirred and pushed back the covers so that she could sit up against the pillows. She could not hide here all day.

She put out a hand and gingerly explored the tumbled bedding. The Window of Hell was gone. It was no doubt safely stowed back in its scabbard.

Clare winced at the memory of how Gareth has used his sword to divide the bed. From now on, whenever she saw the blade, as she most certainly would every day of her life, she would recall her foolishness on her wedding night.

Some men, she knew, would have lost their tempers in a situation such as she had created last night. Some men would have turned violent.

Not Gareth. It was true that he had been furious, but he had been in full control of his anger.

She had married a man whose skill at self-mastery matched his physical power.