Deserve (23 page)

“I’m sorry!” I say for the hundredth time as we walk into
the apartment.

“I think you turned me into a soprano,” Sean complains. He waddles
exaggeratedly and drops onto the sofa.

Closing the door, I drop my gym bag onto the floor. “I said
I’m sorry!” I can’t hide the tendril of laughter in my voice at his antics. I
know I didn’t really hurt him because I’m not strong enough to do any damage
and it was at best a glancing blow. Striding into the kitchen, I grab two
bottles of water.

Taking a long draw from mine, I hand the other to him. My
muscles are pleasantly sore and loose from the workout. I’ll probably never
become an expert at martial arts, but my body is already more fluid and limber.
Serena has started to teach me some offensive moves.

Best of all, I hardly have any more nightmares about that
night. I don’t know if it’s the self-defense training that lends me a measure
of control or if it’s the passage of time, but I’m grateful I don’t wake up
screaming in the middle of the night.

“My poor family jewels,” Sean says with a mock mournful
look, palming his crotch with one hand.

My gaze follows his movement and my saliva glands activate
at the way his hand cradles the large bulge. “It was an accident! I thought you
were going to block me. I haven’t gotten in a single hit so far,” I huff.

A devilish gleam appears in his eyes. “It was all your
fault. I got distracted by your cute butt.” Playfully, he makes a grab for me
and palms said butt, making me whimper softly. The amusement in his eyes turns
into glowing heat. His pupils dilate, leaving only a small ring of blue.

Suddenly all the moisture disappears from my mouth and my
lower belly grows heavy with desire. I know sex is not going to resolve the
many issues we have, but I eagerly grasp at a chance to re-establish some of
our closeness.

I let my hand slide into his lap. Cupping his fast-hardening
cock, I murmur into his mouth, “Since I kicked you, I should really kiss it and
make it better.”

“Damn straight, woman,” he growls.

I tighten my grip and roll his balls gently in my palm. Dropping
my gaze to my hand, I watch in fascination as his cock presses urgently against
the placket of his cargo pants. I swallow, remembering how thick and hot he
felt in my mouth and how he shook uncontrollably when he came. Suddenly, I
can’t wait to experience it all over again and I tell him so.

The heat in his eyes conflagrates into a
wildfire.
With a shouted, “Fuck yeah!” Sean drags me into our room.

And he demonstrates that his “family jewels” have suffered
no lasting damage. Twice.

I’m so wiped out from the workout—both at the gym and
in the bedroom—that I doze off.
 
The buzzing of my phone wakes me and I
realize Sean’s not in bed anymore. As I read the new message, I smile in
relief.

Body still humming pleasantly, I get out of bed to look for
him to tell him the good news. I pad softly downstairs and hear his voice come
from the small office at the back of the apartment.

Halting in the doorway, I see Sean standing with his back to
the door, gazing out the window. He looks agitated, his big hand rubbing the
back of his neck.

I open my mouth to announce myself when I realize he’s on
the phone. Before I can retreat quietly, I hear him say my name. Instinctively,
I still. A small inner voice points out that the last time I eavesdropped, I
heard things I didn’t like, but my feet remain stubbornly glued to the floor.

“So when do you plan on telling her about your transfer?”

My forehead wrinkles in confusion. Who was he talking to?

“I still think you should tell your sister you’re moving to
New York before you show up for Christmas and never leave.”

Cael
?

Questions start cascading like blocks of dominoes.

Why was
Cael
moving to New York? Was it because of me? What was
going to happen to his life in Chicago? How long had Sean been keeping this a
secret from me?

“
Cael
, stop thanking me or I’m
going to kick your ass. Keeping tabs on Maggie for the last few months hasn’t
been a problem. You don’t owe me any favors. I already told you that when you
called in July.”

All the air siphons out of my lungs and it isn’t until my
vision starts to swim that I realize I’m holding my breath. I force myself to
take short, shallow breaths.

I’m a fucking
obligation to him?

I start to respire heavily, pain and icy rage coursing
through my veins. I must have made a noise because Sean spins around and I
recognize the
oh-shit
expression on
his face. “Uh…I’ve got to go,
Cael
.”

I wait until he hangs up before I ask slowly, enunciating
every word, “Is it true?” Telling myself not to pass judgment yet, I leash my
anger.

“What?” He looks at me warily.

Gritting my teeth, I bite out each word, “Don’t play dumb
with me, Sean Rowan. Did my brother ask you to babysit me like I’m a three-year-old
child who can’t wipe her own ass?” The reins of my control slip and I slap my
hand on the doorjamb angrily.

He blows out a heavy breath and doesn’t say a word, making
me die a little inside.

I already know the answer, but I demand, “Answer me! Did he
tell you to keep an eye on me?”

“It wasn’t like that! He asked me to pick you up from the
airport and make sure you got settled into the city.”

Mistrust ripples through me and I glare at him, daring him
to tell me the truth. “Keeping tabs?”

“He asked me to check up on you every now and then,” he admits
reluctantly, his lips tightening.

“And how often do you report back to
Cael
,
Sean? Every week? Every day?” I ask, my voice deceptively soft. I’m not angry
with
Cael
, who is his normally overprotective self, but
I feel utterly betrayed by Sean.

All the doubts start to tingle and come to life, zinging
from my heart to my brain in a vicious loop.

I don’t know what I mean to him. A friend? An assignment? A
favor?
A convenient lay?
Because I
sure as hell don’t feel like his girlfriend at present.

All this time, I had been fooling myself. Keeping our
relationship a secret from
Cael
is just an easy out. If
Sean really wanted something serious with me, he wouldn’t be hiding me. He
wouldn’t keep so many secrets from me. The picture of him and Alicia at his
father’s luncheon flashes across my mind and my upper lip curls with
self-contempt. Other than Tyler, I have never met anyone of importance in
Sean’s life. He doesn’t discuss his work with me. No, Sean’s made it crystal
clear he doesn’t want our lives to mesh.

Hold the pain at bay,
Maggie. Don’t break down now.

“I’m not a goddamn spy!” he says sharply, eyes flaring with
ire. And guilt.

“How often?” I raise my voice to match his.

Jaw clenching, he jerks his gaze away from me to stare at
the white wall.

“Often enough, I see,” I say mockingly. “And what about fucking
me? Was that to
keep tabs
on me,
too?” I ask, deliberating being crude.

His eyes snap back to my face. Face dark with fury, he takes
two big strides toward me and manacles my upper arms. “Maggie, you’re blowing
this out of proportion. Yes,
Cael
asked me to watch
out for you, but after that first week, it wasn’t about helping him anymore. I
loved spending time with you. The important thing is what we have now. Don’t
fucking belittle it.”

 
I emit a terse,
bitter laugh and shrug my shoulders as if my heart were not bleeding. “What do
we have, Sean? Sex? You can get what we have by picking up a stranger at any
bar on a Friday night.”

His fingers dig into my flesh until it’s painful, but it is
nothing compared to what I feel on the inside—raw and lacerated. He
shakes me once, hard. “Goddamn it. It’s not just sex. You’re my girlfriend.”

I brush his hands away and step back. I look at him,
wondering if I ever knew him.
Probably not.
“I’m not your girlfriend. I’m a convenient fuck
buddy.”

“Why are you saying this?” he asks. I see genuine
bewilderment and incomprehension in his eyes.

“Because it’s true. We may have great sex, but that’s it. I
don’t know your friends. You don’t know mine. You shut me out at every turn,” I
say, fighting to keep my voice steady, to keep from breaking apart.

“That’s not true!”

“Tell me why you won’t go see James.”

His mouth tightens and the tic appears in his cheek.

“Tell me why you don’t get along with your father.”

Silence.

I nod and twist my mouth scornfully. “You just proved my
point. What we have doesn’t even qualify as friendship.”

He vibrates with barely contained fury and slams his fist
onto the table hard enough to make everything on it rattle. Glaring at me, he
demands, “Why is it so fucking important for you to dig into every detail of my
life? Why can’t what we have be enough for you?”

“What we have is nothing but a secret fling,” I say in a
flat voice.

“Keeping it a secret was your idea!” The tic is pulsing in
his cheek now. “You’re the one who didn’t want to tell
Cael
.”

“And you agreed,” I add quietly, holding his gaze.

He takes a step toward me, his eyes piercing and imploring
at the same time. “Is that what bothers you, Maggie? Not telling your brother?
We’ll call
Cael
and tell him about us now.”

“Tell my brother what, Sean? That we’re fucking each other?”

“Stop saying that! We’ll tell him we’re in a relationship
and that I…”

I wait with bated breath for the magic words.

His Adam’s apple bobs. “I care about you.”

I struggle to not let the devastation show on my face. The
last tether to hope breaks and floats away. I stare at him, finally seeing the
last few months clearly. No rose-tinted classes. No wishful thinking. I thought
my love could change him, but that only happens in fairytales. There is no
magic kiss from a prince. No glass slipper. No Happily Ever After.

This is real life.

And real life hurts. Real life is a father abandoning his
family. Real life is a mother who dies far too young. Real life is Sean
not
loving me.

My anatomy studies tell me a heart can’t feel pain—
that
the sensation is in my brain, but right now it feels like
a giant fist is squeezing that organ so hard it can’t beat.

You’re asking for too
much, too soon,
I tell myself.

Then my mom’s soft voice sounds in my ears.

One day, when you find
the right person, make sure he’s strong, baby.
Strong on the
inside.
Strong enough to deserve your love.
Strong enough to love you more than anything else in the world.
Don’t settle for second best. You deserve everything.

I take in a deep breath and stiffen my spine.

For months after I found out that my father left us, I was
scared to do anything to make my mother or brother not want me. If I asked for
ice cream, would they decide I was too greedy? If I complained that my shoes
pinched my toes, would they think I was too whiny? If I did anything wrong,
would they leave me? So I tried to be cheerful and upbeat all the time. Surely,
they wouldn’t leave me if I didn’t complain. Eventually, I realized they were
never going to abandon me, but the experience had left a permanent mark on me.

I had always questioned my self-worth, but no more. It is
time to stop shortchanging myself. I deserve better.

“There’s no need because I can’t do this anymore,” I say
softly.

Every muscle in his body seems to freeze. “What does that
mean?”

I hang onto my composure with white-knuckled determination.
“I love you Sean. I’ve loved you for years but I can’t be with someone who can’t
love me.”

He looks shocked by my revelation. “The guy who wasn’t
interested?”

My lips bow with dark humor. “Yeah, it was you.” I lose my
smile and blink back my tears. “I guess you’re still not interested.”

“I am!” He scrubs his face with both hands roughly and gazes
at me with a look of helplessness and despair. “I’m giving you everything I can.
And Maggie…” He takes a step closer to me. “I do care about you.”

The last of my anger drains away, leaving me sad and hollow.
That was never in doubt, but I want something he can’t give me. “Yes, I know.
And you did warn me from the beginning. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I
thought it would be enough, but it’s not. Mom once told me I should find
someone who loves me more than anything in the world and she was right. I
deserve to find someone who loves me.”

“If I could love anyone, it would be you.” His voice is low
and gritty.

I wish those words were enough, but they aren’t. A month
ago, they would have sent my heart soaring to the heavens, but now I remember
my own worth and I can’t be with someone who values his secrets more than he
values me.
I’m a selfish brat after all
,
I think wryly.

“I can’t settle for less, Sean.” He looks defeated and a
part of me pities the lost look in his eyes. “I want everything. I deserve
everything.”

“You’re asking for the impossible. I can’t.” The shadows in
his eyes grow like an inkblot until his eyes look almost black.

“You can,” I say gently. “You have a lot of love in you, but
maybe I’m just not the right woman to bring that out in you.” I start to say I
hope he finds love someday, but I can’t make my mouth shape the words to wish
him happiness with another woman.

I take a shaky breath and consider my next steps. “I think I
should move back to the dorms.” I know if I stay, my resolve will weaken.