Depravicus (24 page)

Sniggering as he reached his house, he dashed upstairs and
slipped one of the blank sheets into his printer.
Dear Lady Nipsuckle
, he
began.
Thank you for your letter relating
your concern for your daughter, Dee. It is the policy of this
school to introduce girls to sex by utilising our 'hands on' method
of sex education. In essence, we teach girls the fine art of mutual
masturbation by encouraging them to join group sessions with the
nuns. In addition to this, we are fortunate enough to have the
services of Bishop Holesgood, who teaches the girls the art of male
masturbation. This, I am sure you will agree, prepares them for the
outside world. Bishop Holesgood has been good enough to introduce
what has become endearingly known as ARSE. During the anal rectal
stimulation exercises, the Bishop inserts his erect penis into the
girls' rear passages to give them the experience necessary to cope
with the wonderfully depraved and delightfully sad world we live
in.

I hope I have
put your mind at rest and can assure you that your daughter's best
interests are at heart. Many of our girls have left the convent to
become highly successful prostitutes, some even running their own
massage parlours. Obviously, without the experience of anal sex
with the Bishop, your daughter would be sadly lacking in sexual
expertise. She would undoubtedly find it impossible to earn a
living by selling her body on the streets. Please, do not hesitate
to contact me should you have any further concerns about the
violation of your daughter's body while attending the school.

Yours, and
mine,

The Reverend Mother
.

Writing
several more letters, Will sealed them in envelopes and placed them
on the desk ready for posting. What better way to cause trouble for
the slagger? Checking his website, he couldn't believe the amount
of orders he'd received for soiled panties. The customers paying by
credit card, Will's bank account would be looking healthier than
ever. Deciding to get Lana to pack up the goods, he checked his
personal e-mails. "I want to shove my cock up your arse," he read,
shaking his head despondently. Deleting the comment, he read the
next one. "I'd like to spunk down your throat." Jeez, he thought as
the phone rang, there were some sad creeps in the world.

"Sir William
Entercock," he said, pressing the receiver to his ear. "To whom am
I speaking?"

"You are
speaking to your fucking prisoners," a girl hissed. "Are you going
to let us out of this fucking shed?"

"Fucking
shed?" Will echoed. "That's no way to communicate via the
telephone. Communications of that type are deemed vulgar by..."

"Let us out,
or you'll be in serious fucking trouble."

"I thrive on
serious fucking trouble. OK, I'll be out in a minute. But you must
both suck my knob and drink my..."

"We'll suck
your fucking brains out through you fucking arse in a minute."

"Charming, I'm
fucking sure."

Banging the
phone down, Will decided to take a look at the free samples the sex
toy manufacturer had left in the bar. Bounding down the stairs, he
wandered into the bar and look around for Lana. "Where is
everyone?" he breathed. "It's like the Marie Celeste." Walking
behind the bar and pouring himself a pint of lager, he wandered out
into the garden and gazed at the shed. He'd have to let the
girl-tarts out, he knew as he sipped his lager. Dusk falling, he
took the key from the pocket of his cassock and released the
padlock. Dashing back to the bar as the girls flung the door open
and stormed out of the shed, Will waited for the inevitable
confrontation.

"You fucking
bastard," Jenny spat, walking through the French doors.

"You cunt
hole," Rachael rejoined.

"Why, thank
you," Will smiled. "Would you like a drink?"

"There's a law
against locking girls in sheds."

"No, there
isn't," Will returned. "But there is a law against lurking in other
people's bushes. Talking of bushes, do either of you shave?"

"My sister
said you're crude," Jenny murmured. "I reckon that was an
understatement."

"Josie doesn't
have a sister. I don't know who you are, but you're not her
sister."

"I am."

"All right,
then. What's your mother's name?"

"We were
orphans."

"Bollocks,"
Will laughed. "Josie's mother lives, here, in the village. Do you
want a drink or not?"

"Yes, vodka
and lime."

"Please."

"Vodka and
lime, fucking please."

"I'll have the
same," Rachael said. "Fucking please."

"I seem to
have lost my barmaid," Will signed moving behind the bar and
grabbing two glasses. "She was here one minute, and then she
wasn't. By the way, do you want to sell your dirty panties? I'm
running low, you see."

"No, I
don't."

"Suit
yourself. There we are, two vodkas with lime."

"How come you
have a fully-equipped bar in your house?" Rachael asked, plonking
her petite bottom on a bar stool and sipping her drink. "Isn't that
illegal?"

"Much of what
I do is illegal. OK, who are you both working for?"

"All right,
you want the truth?" Jenny grinned.

"Yes I
do."

"I'm
unemployed," Rachael confessed.

"I work for
customs and excise," Jenny grinned. "I've been watching you from
the bushes, obtaining information about this bar."

"Bollocks."

"You'll be
bollocked when I hand my report in. Of course, I'm open to
bribes."

"Open to
bribes?" Will gasped. "My God, what is this country coming to? How
much?"

"It's not
money I want."

"Go on?"

"I want to
drink here every evening for nothing."

"Is that all?"
Will laughed. "OK, it's a deal."

"And me,"
Rachael broke in. "I'm unemployed and can't afford to buy
drink."

"OK, you may
both come here every evening and drink for free." And he'd fuck
them both for free.

Will knew damn
well that the little whores were lying. But he decided to play
along with them, not least because he'd not yet thrust his hands
into their knickers, or his rampant cock up their pretty little
cunts. Pouring himself another lager as they downed their vodka, he
again wondered where Lana had got to. It was getting late, but for
the bar to be devoid of customers and his devoted barmaid to have
disappeared was most unusual. He'd noticed that the front door had
been shut when he'd come downstairs, and began to wonder whether
the girl had called time and gone home.

"We'll be back
later," Jenny said, finishing her drink. "We're going home for a
while."

"Where do you
live?" Will asked.

"Vulvale
Village. We'll be back later. If not, we'll see you tomorrow."

"OK, I'll be
here."

Watching the
little beauties leave, Will knew that they were up to something.
He'd find out in due course, he was sure as he again pondered Lana.
Lolita hadn't returned from her trip to the village earlier and
Levan had disappeared. "I've been deserted," he breathed, knocking
back his drink. Wondering what to do, he locked the shed and the
French doors and left the house. Walking to his old church, he
looked up at the stone building. The place was still empty after
the exorcism. That was ridiculous, he reflected, recalling the
Bishop having the church exorcised after Will had left. The only
spirits there were vodka, whisky, gin...

Wondering when
a new priest was going to arrive, he knew that he'd have to get his
private little church underway before long. Old man Kosher's church
down the lane was no competition, he reflected, pushing against the
locked doors. Kosher hadn't got a bloody clue about looking after
his parishioners, heavy drinking, debauched sex... Noticing that
the lock had been damaged, he again pushed on the doors. Kids must
have broken in, he thought, the doors swinging open.

"This brings
back memories," he breathed, looking at the altar. He'd had many a
delicious young lady strapped naked over the altar, fucked many a
slut with church candles. The cool air in the stone building making
him shiver, he was about to leave when he heard a low murmuring
sound. Walking down the aisle, the moonlight streaming in through
the stained glass windows, he thought he saw movement in the
shadows beside the altar.

"Who's there?"
he asked shakily. "Come on, I know someone's there."

"William
Entercock!" a deep voice thundered, rocking the old building.

"Fuck me!"
Will gasped.

"You have
committed vile sins of the flesh!"

"No, I
didn't," Will murmured, turning and running up the aisle.

"Come back
here, you miserable mortal!"

Once outside
the church, Will didn't stop running until he'd reached his house.
In the bar, he downed three pints of lager in less than a minute.
"Fuck me," he breathed, his hands trembling. "I've had a vision.
No, I've had an aural." Downing a bottle of vodka, he plonked
himself in a chair and finally passed out. In his alcohol-induced
dreams, he heard the voice of the Lord.

You will be forever damned, William Entercock. For your wicked
sins of the flesh, your soul will be cast into the eternal fires of
hell. At midnight on the morrow, you will be plucked from your
mortal coil and plunged into the depths of hell
.

Lana walked
into the bar the following morning and discovered Will slumped in
the chair. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked him.

"Argh, my
fucking head," Will complained. "I got wrecked on vodka and... Fuck
me, I'm going to die at midnight."

"What are you
talking about?"

"I had a
dream, a vision. I had an aural."

"I am not
interested in hearing the sordid details of some girl giving you a
blowjob."

"No, no. It
was the Lord."

"The Lord gave
you a blowjob? Now you really have lost the plot."

"Of course the
Lord didn't... I heard the voice of the Lord."

"You do talk
bollocks," she sighed, picking up the empty vodka bottle. "You've
been drinking the profits," she hissed. "How are we going to make
money if you..."

"You don't
understand, Lana. The Lord spoketh unto me."

"I'll bloody
speaketh unto you in a minute. Look at the state of this
place."

"I'm going to
be plucked from my mortal coil and plunged into the depths of
hell."

"I'll plunge
you into the depths of hell unless you help me get this place
cleared up."

"I must have
exceeded my quota of cunts and roused the wrath of the Lord. You'd
think the bible would mention it if man was only allowed to fuck so
many cunts. How the fuck was I supposed to know that there was a
limit?"

"Your sanity
worries me, Will. I should say, your insanity."

"It worries
me! Did that man leave any samples?"

"Er... Yes, he
left a box full of stuff," she replied sheepishly.

"Where is
it?"

"I... I took
it home for safe keeping."

"Is that why
you closed the bar and cleared off early?"

"No, no, no.
Well, yes. I've brought the box back. It's in the hall."

"Good. I'll
take a look later."

Rising to his
feet and staggering across the room to the bar, Will poured himself
a glass of lemonade. He should never have gone to the church, he
knew as he watched Lana clear up. Since he'd left the church six
months previously, the place had been exorcised and cleaned up in
readiness for a priest. Lucifer and his dodgy mates might have been
banished but... Could it have been a dream? Will reflected. Yes, it
must have been a dream. He'd done nothing to deserve being cast
into the eternal fires of hell. There was no disputing the fact
that he was a sinner, but he wasn't that bad. Was he? Fuck, he
thought, holding his aching head. Fucking vodka.

An early
morning blowjob would have been nice, he mused. But he daren't
suggest such a thing to Lana. She was already in a mood because...
Whose bar was it? he ruminated as the girl ordered him to get out
of her way. But she was doing a fine job, so there was no need to
rock the boat. Leaving her to get on, he went upstairs and took a
shower. Wondering what the day would bring as he washed his knob,
his cock stiffening as he recalled giving Lana a bloody good double
fisting, he made his plans.

Gazing out of
the bedroom window as he slipped his cassock over his naked body,
he noticed Father Kosher walking down the lane in the direction of
his church. Brushing his hair and slipping his shoes on, Will
decided to follow the man. It might be an idea to tease him, he
reflected, bounded downstairs and leaving the house. Wind the old
git up. It would be easy enough to put the fear of God up the man,
he knew as he followed at a safe distance. One or two comments
about having a naked teenage girl over the altar would go down
well. A few words about lapping up her pussy cream, licking her
clitty to orgasm... There was nothing better than causing
trouble.

"Good
morning," Will called, as Father Kosher finally made it to his
church.

"Oh, er...
Good morning," the man replied, turning on his heels.

"What a lovely
day it is," Will smiled. "A lovely day for entertaining girls over
the altar."

"Over the... I
don't know what you mean," Kosher stammered, his face flushing.

"Spreading the
word of the Lord. Entertaining girls by teaching them the way of
the Lord. I'll bet you sit girls on the altar and teach them all
you know."

"Oh, yes, of
course," he breathed with relief. "I try to spread the word of the
Lord."

"Do a lot of
spreading, do you?" Will asked.