Depending on the Doctor (Nevada Bounty Book 2) (27 page)

Everyone, other than the men who’d gone after the bandits, gathered in the community lodge. Little Feathers treated the injured, and since the people were injured because of me, I helped out where I could.

Most of the injuries were minor—cuts, scrapes, bruises, a couple of broken fingers, hands, and arms. I had no idea what kinds of injuries the men who’d gone after Clyde’s gang sustained, but we’d deal with those when they returned.

Aside from Billy and Clyde, only one of the natives had been killed, a young man named Lost Crow.

I sat with Yellow Hair Woman, and Little Feathers was showing me a poultice for contusions, when Four Bears joined us. Lydia sat nearby with some of the children, keeping them company while their mothers were either treated or helped with others who were injured. She looked content and in her element, and an image flashed in my mind of Lydia in her own home surrounded by her own children, her delighted laugh filling the air. When I realized—and hoped—those children would be mine, too, my heart lightened a little.

Four Bears said through Yellow Hair Woman, “We’re used to being attacked by white soldiers. These kind of men usually leave us alone.”

I heard the question in his comment, and nodded in answer. “They were after us,” I confirmed.

“I saw one of them threaten you and Red Face Woman.”

“He’s the one who captured us from the train. When Lydia hit him, and his home burned, it humiliated him, so I suppose he thought he needed to retaliate. He wasn’t right in the head to start with.”

“The man with one arm saved you.”

Lydia played a part, too, but that didn’t change Billy’s sacrifice. “Yes.”

He nodded, and an uncomfortable silence settled between us. I looked around the room at the damage we’d led to their doorstep, and I knew it was time to move on.

“I apologize for bringing this to you. You’ve been kind and welcomed us into your home, and this is a poor repayment of that kindness.”

“You are always welcome here,” he said, but he was only being polite.

“We’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

He nodded, satisfied.

That night in our lodge, Lydia and I snuggled close under the blankets. It had been a peaceful stay with good people, but we didn’t belong there, as much as it would be nice to.

“I wish we could stay here forever,” she said, echoing my thoughts.

I pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. “Me too, sweetness. But we need to figure out where we belong, and unfortunately it’s not here. We’ll have to visit Randall and tell him about the marriage, and we’ll need to make it legal for the government. Then we have to decide where we want to live. A city would be good, so I could set up shop. I’m sorry, I don’t have a lot of money, so I can’t keep you in style, but we’ll find someplace nice…” I trailed off when I realized she was too quiet. “Lydia?”

She looked up at me, worry replacing the joy I’d seen there for the last few days. “I’m afraid once we leave here you’ll decide you don’t want me after all. This place has been like a fantasy tucked away from the real world.”

“It has been, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

I saw the doubt form in her eyes, and how she struggled to ask the question, but I waited for her to do it. If she was ever going to get over her fears, she had to face them first. I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my head that whispered
she’s not the only one.

“How
do
you feel about me?” she asked, her eyes darting away to hide from my answer.

I lifted her chin so she had to look at me. “I love you, Lydia.”

She closed her eyes, allowing her to hide after all even though I held her chin in place. When a tear rolled out from under her lashes, I asked, “Do you not believe me?”

She opened her watery eyes and focused on me. “I think you believe it, but I’m afraid.”

“Why?”

She closed her eyes again and a few moments later she mustered the courage to speak. When she did, she said, “Because it’s too much to hope for.”

I hugged her close, tucking her head under my chin. “Oh, sweetness. What was your life like that you can’t accept someone could love you?”

Her body shook against mine as she cried, and I let her. She must have held that opinion of herself for a long time for it to affect her so deeply.

She finally stopped crying, but she was quiet for so long afterward that I assumed she’d fallen asleep. It surprised me when finally spoke.

“It’s taken a lot of years, but I realize now that my father never really cared about me other than how I’d be useful for his benefit. To his congregation he was the picture of love and Christ’s benevolence. They loved him, which was what he wanted, of course. But as a child, I loved him, too, and craved his approval. I wanted to please him, but I never could. He spent all his energy on his followers and had none left for his family. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he never had a kind word for me, and more often than not he reminded me how homely or worthless I was because I was a girl, and that nobody would ever want me or love me.” She shrugged in my arms. “After a while, I believed him. Randall grew up just like him because Father groomed him to be. It was easy enough since Randall didn’t seem to have a warm bone in his body, either.”

“What about your mother?”

She huffed a humorless laugh. “She gave up far before I can even remember. She’d been bled dry of any love or hope, and just went through the motions. Now, I can see it was her way of coping with such a cold life, but I have a hard time forgiving her for throwing me to the wolves.”

“If your memories of your family are so bad, why would you agree to go back to Randall when he sent for you? Why not just tell him no?”

It took her a minute to respond, as if she had to formulate her answer. “I’m not a child anymore, and although I made peace with my place in the world a long time ago, I know I’m smart and Randall’s right, we’re the only family we have left. If he needs my help, I should help him.”

I couldn’t accept her reasoning, mostly because it didn’t make sense. Why would anyone agree to return to a bad situation once they’d escaped it? “What about the other people who need you?”

She pulled back and looked at me, the confusion clear in her furrowed brow. “Nobody needs me.”

“Well, aside from me, Beth and your friends need you, and those children at the school need you.”

She relaxed and waved a dismissive hand at me. “Beth doesn’t need me. She and Daisy and Nellie manage just fine without me. And after what I did to Isaac, I’m sure Beth’s glad I’m gone.”

“What did you do to Isaac?”

“I…” she shifted next to me, as if uncomfortable in her own skin. “It’s so shameful, I don’t want to tell you.”

I was quite certain I had her outdone in the shameful department. Although I’d made considerable—if painful—progress telling her the truth, I still hadn’t told her the details. I’d come close, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Unfortunately, it was the details that had me in Randall’s grip.

“He didn’t seem to hold anything against you,” I said.

“It worked out in the end, but I betrayed them both.”

“How?” She still needed to face the things she thought were the worst about her, even if I couldn’t do the same.

She sucked in a breath and the words rushed out, ending on a hiccup of a sob. “When the sheriff was looking for Isaac, I turned him in. I thought he was a killer. I was trying to protect Beth, and the rest of us, and our home.”

“That’s not betrayal, that’s love. You loved your friends and your home enough to do whatever it took to protect them, even if it meant Beth would be mad at you. I assume she was?”

This time her laugh was amused. “Yes, she was. Is.”

“How do you know she still is? Have you talked to her about it?”

“No.”

“So you’ve made assumptions about what Beth and Isaac think based on your guilty feelings?”

“When you put it that way, it sounds unreasonable.”

I kissed the top of her head again. “Sometimes it’s easier to see the answers to other people’s problems more clearly than your own.”

“Well, either way, they don’t need me. They can manage on their own. And the children will learn just as well with Sam as they did with me. Nobody
needs
me.”

“I do, and I think you’d be surprised how many others do. I suspect that of all of them, Randall is the most capable of managing on his own. And now that we’re married, he’ll have to because I have no intention of living in Omaha or having Randall in our life.”

“But he’s my only family.”

“Do you love him? Does he love you?”

“I…no.”

“Then you’re just two people who accidentally share blood. Didn’t you say he abandoned you?”

“Yes.”

“Then you don’t owe him your loyalty.” And the sooner we had him out of our lives, the better.

“You’re right.”

“Of course I am,” I said, pulling her close. “Tomorrow we’ll head to Cheyenne and the next day we’ll get on the train again for Omaha so we can dispatch our business with Randall, then we’ll begin the rest of our lives together.”

She sighed and wrapped an arm around me. It wasn’t long before her breathing deepened, but I had a hard time falling asleep. All I could think was that she’d agreed with me far too easily.

The next morning we loaded up our horses, shrugged into warm coats and blankets, and headed out for Cheyenne.

It took two days to get there, but lucky for us they were uneventful days of travel, and a night wrapped together in our blankets to stay warm in the winter cold.

The closer we got to town, the more it felt like waking up from a dream. Lydia had called our time in the camp a fantasy, and the thought of rejoining white society seemed a lot like leaving a fairy tale behind and realizing the world wasn’t what we’d thought.

We didn’t talk much as we traveled and I spent the time considering our future, but doubt niggled at my mind. I tried to tell myself that the quiet ride was companionable, but I couldn’t help being worried that the real world would spook her and she’d retreat into her shell, rejecting me and our marriage. I wanted to get her in front of a justice of the peace, or a minister as soon as possible. Every time I thought that, though, I’d go round and round with myself about how it was selfish to want that. When it came down to it, Lydia was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I wasn’t willing to let her go. I had hope that when I finally got up the courage to tell her the complete truth, she’d accept it and still want me, and I’d be free from Randall and his hold on me.

The greediest parts of me who wanted to keep her for mine insisted we marry before I told her because then we’d be legally bound and it would be harder for her to walk away. I’d have time to beg her forgiveness. But that would make me no better than her father, or Randall.

But what if she didn’t want me once she returned to the real world, even before I shared the darkest of my secrets?

I’d grant that I had limited experience with women. I’d never been in love, I’d never had a sweetheart, and I’d never courted anyone, but I’d never had any trouble attracting women, either. They all seemed interested in being with me, so I’d never experienced what it felt like to want a woman and not be able to have her.

But Lydia wasn’t like other women, so I couldn’t expect her to conform to my experiences. No matter how I turned it over in my head, it came out the same: it didn’t matter that she obviously cared for me, that I’d professed my love for her, or that we’d shared glorious nights together. When it came to Lydia, I had no idea what she’d do once we faced the real world again.

I was still wallowing in doubt and indecision when Lydia said, “Is that Cheyenne?”

I looked up to a line of buildings and pillars of chimney smoke that broke the horizon. “Must be,” I said.

“Is something wrong?” she asked. Worry etched a crease in her forehead.

I supposed time would give us the answer to that question, but I took her hand and smiled. “No. Just looking forward to a hot bath and a bed.”

Her worry melted away. “Me, too. I’m not overly fond of sleeping on the ground.”

“Then let’s go get a room where we can relax.”

We found a room at the Rollins House, and when I checked us in as Mr. and Mrs. Wilder Lydia blushed, encouraging me to hope where I no doubt shouldn’t.

When we got upstairs to the room, it took all my will not to just collapse on the bed and sleep for several days.

Lydia hovered near the door, skittish as a wild pony, her little hands worrying the buttons of her coat.

“Let’s get cleaned up and have some supper,” I said. “A bath and some good food will feel civilized.”

Her shoulders loosened and fell from up near her ears. She finally removed her coat and stepped away from the door to fetch a clean blouse from our saddle bags. “That sounds wonderful.”

“The clerk said the baths are on the second floor. Why don’t we do that, then meet back here for supper?”

“When we go to supper can we stop and send a telegram to Beth?”

I had to smile that despite her protests about Beth not needing her, she still wanted to stay in touch. “Certainly. We can buy train tickets, too.”

She nodded, her nervous fingers fiddling with the blouse. “I’m going to go bathe.”

“What are you afraid of, Lydia?”

She looked up from the blouse, her eyes a little too wide, but not wide enough to hide the shadows in their depths. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Yes, you are. What is it?”

She huffed a sigh and looked away. “I’m just worried about Randall. I haven’t seen him for a long time. I don’t know what he’s going to say about us.”

I had a good idea, but I didn’t want her more jumpy than she already was. “Just remember, he has no say in the matter. We’re fulfilling his request to visit him, you can pay your respects for your mother’s death, help him with arrangements or to sort through her things, and then we’ll be on our way.”

“I suppose.”

I closed the space between us, and slipped my hand into the loose tangles at the nape of her neck. I wanted her to relax, to find some calm. Despite my outward display of it, I needed it, too.