Denali Dreams (35 page)

“No one’s going to get hurt. We’re going to protect you.”

“You don’t know that, Josh.”

“But I believe it.”

She huffed. “Look, I know we share the same faith, but you haven’t seen what I’ve seen. Haven’t been through the horror this man has put me through. Yes, I know God is there, and I believe, but I’ve also got to keep a clear head and protect those around me.”

“So you don’t think God is big enough to do that?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Deanna stood and paced the living room in front of him. “I know He’s big enough, but I also know He allows bad things to happen. So if
I
can keep them from—”

“Whoa there, Deanna. That’s not how God works and you know it. This is a sin-filled world, so yes, bad things are going to happen. But you can’t supersede His position and say that even if He allows something to happen, you can stop it because you don’t
want
it to happen.”

Her back to him, she stopped her pacing. Her shoulders slumped and began to shake. Was she crying? He prayed David wouldn’t decide to come in the door at that moment. The big guy would probably lay Josh flat for making her cry.

He stood and moved closer to her. “I’m sorry, Deanna.” He reached out and touched her elbow. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I would be a lousy friend if I didn’t tell you the truth.”

Deanna turned to him. Sobs shook her whole frame. “No, I’m sorry. I need you to be honest with me. And I need to be reminded that I’m not in control.” She stepped closer and smiled. Patted his chest with her hand. Her voice broke as she walked back to the couch. She sat on her knees in the far corner and pulled a blanket up around her. “I’m sorry. I’m an emotional mess right now.”

“It’s okay, you have the right. And maybe someone should remind you that the killer isn’t in control, either.” He handed her a tissue.

“Thanks.” She sighed. “And you’re right again. But don’t let it go to your head.”

“I won’t. And you’re welcome. Anytime.” He meant it. He would love nothing more than to pull her into his arms and hold her for the rest of his life. As the connection between them grew, Josh couldn’t pull his gaze away. Change the subject. Do something. He was in way over his head. “So, I have an idea. Maybe it will cheer you up.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I was hoping we could go out to the café. David and Jolie said they’d go and sit at another table. Kyle, Zack, and John will be in there as well.”

The haunted look left her eyes for a brief moment. “You mean, a date?”

“Well, I … was hoping for one … eventually that is … but this doesn’t have to be one, if you’d—” If only he could stop rambling around her.

“I would love to go on a date with you … but …”

David burst through the door. “No buts. You can’t let this killer rule your life. Besides, Agent Williams thinks he’s gone for now. Talkeetna’s too small and everyone is on alert for anyone new or suspicious.”

Josh crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at his fellow ranger. How long had he been listening?

Deanna smirked. She yanked the blanket off and stood. “You know what?” Deanna pulled on his hand. “I am dying to get out of this house! And you know what else? I would love to go on a date with you.”

“So you’re just using me to get some fresh air?” He winked.

David smacked him on the shoulder.

A pillow flew through the air from the couch. It hit David just as another one sailed toward Josh.

“I take that as a yes?”

T
he laughter was a balm to her soul. The food was amazing.

And Josh? Well, he was everything. Everything she’d ever wanted in a man. Who cared if this was her first date
ever
at twenty-seven years old? Contentment poured through her. This truly was how life was supposed to be, wasn’t it?

Zack had the whole place laughing about a climb. But Deanna couldn’t take her eyes off Josh. For almost three hours, she hadn’t even thought about the stalker. Or her family. Guilt washed over her. Shouldn’t she be hiding somewhere? Her family hadn’t given their lives so she could live it up in a café while the stalker was still loose. She shook her head. Thinking like that wasn’t healthy.

A hand reached across the table. Took hers. She jolted. He let go but left his hand close. “I’m sorry, Deanna. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Tears pooled in her eyes as she tentatively reached for him. “You didn’t.” She sniffed. Wiped at her eyes. Josh held her hand. The simple gesture meant more than he’d ever know.

She motioned him closer with a finger and whispered into his ear. “I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but it’s the first time I’ve held a man’s hand.”

He squeezed tighter and sat back in his chair.

After hours of conversation and fun, gone was the man who rambled around her. She knew Josh was a great guy, but it had been fun to watch him be nervous around her. This new Josh, the real guy underneath, was amazing. She hoped they’d have a chance. A real chance.

“Why don’t we get you home?” Josh caught the attention of the other rangers. “I don’t want it to get too late.”

She nodded, trying to remember all the wonderful things about the evening. They would be stowed in her memory forever. Maybe they could even replace the ugly memories over time. Maybe. If they ever caught
him.

Josh, David, Logan, and Zack all escorted her out. Josh opened her door for her, as David climbed into the backseat. Zack and Logan got into the Jeep behind them.

The distance to the café was so short, they could’ve walked, but the guys wouldn’t allow it. As they drove up to her house, she noticed Agent Williams standing on the front porch.

Once again ensconced between all her bodyguards, Deanna walked toward the house. Williams escorted her inside with Josh. John, her boss, sat in the living room.

He stood. “Not a sound while you were gone. But I’ll check all the rooms, just to be safe.”

Her heart raced, this was the part she hated. With a passion. The stalker had taken her trust away. She never felt safe. She checked and rechecked everything. All the time. The stove, the oven. Windows and doors. Closets and cabinets. Even phone calls and e-mail made her a nervous wreck. Would the nightmare ever end?

John and Williams returned. The agent holstered his weapon. “David is on the porch, but he needs a break. I’ll stay outside tonight. John said he would stay inside, and Missy is coming as well, correct?”

All she managed was a nod. So much for her date. The fun evening was over. A short reprieve from reality. Cynicism raced through her blood again. Anger burned. The man had to be stopped. He’d stolen everything.

Josh’s bubble burst when they returned to Deanna’s home. It had been such a great night. He’d had hope they could forget. But that monster destroyed even the remote possibility. The look on Deanna’s face told the story. Fear, anger, hatred. They’d never have a chance until the stalker was caught and put away for the rest of his life.

Good-byes were brief as Josh left Deanna with the FBI agent and Missy.

Josh walked to his car and decided to head home.
Lord, what do I do?
Hopelessness filled him. He wanted to
do
something. He understood now the prompting of the Holy Spirit the other night. Why he’d felt the need to pray. If God cared enough to have him pray for Deanna, when he didn’t even know who he was praying for, then couldn’t He care enough to take care of the situation at hand?

For the first time in his life, he’d found someone he cared about. The thought of losing Deanna before they even had a chance to really begin gave him pause.

He pulled into his driveway and went inside. The real question was bigger. Did he believe God was in control or not? Could he leave everything in the Lord’s hands? Even Deanna and her safety?

“Come on in, Karon.” Deanna sipped another cup of hot chocolate. If only the brew could calm her nerves. Two more long days had passed. No sign of the stalker. No rest for her weary mind.

Karon carried an armload of books. She plopped them onto the coffee table and sat cross-legged on the couch next to Deanna. “Okay, boys”—she shooed Zack and Logan—“go sit on the porch for a while. We need to chat.”

The guys nodded. Zack turned back around. “You sure you’re okay, Dee?”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m sure she won’t tell me anything that will make me think
any
worse of you.”

The guys laughed.

The door closed with a soft click. Deanna sipped. What did Karon have up her sleeve?

“All right, friend. We need to talk.” She ran both hands through her short black curls. “It comes so naturally to you now, doesn’t it?”

“What?”

“The facade. You can joke with the best of them, keep them all thinking you are fine and dandy, while you’re really just hiding behind a wall of fear.”

Wow. Deanna felt stabbed by the words. The wound bled inside.

Karon patted Deanna’s knee and smiled. “Sorry, I’ve just come to realize that life is too short to mince words. I haven’t been here as long as the others, I don’t know you like they do. But I’m pretty observant and I’ve been watching you all summer. You’re amazing. So strong. So together.”

“I wish that’s who I really was.” A long sigh escaped. “But it’s not. You’re right, the facade is my cloak—my protection.” She’d never voiced thoughts like this out loud to anyone. “It’s safe. Easy. Comfortable.”

“Mind if I share something with you?”

Deanna shrugged. “Sure. Go ahead.” What could it hurt? Wasn’t that what real friends did?

“I know you’ve heard all about Zack and me. So you know I’m a cancer survivor.”

Deanna nodded. When Karon had braved Denali earlier in the summer, she’d been shocked and amazed at her gumption.

“Well, what you probably don’t know is that I just about let cancer win.”

“What do you mean?” She set her cup down.

“The battle was long and hard. Everyone coddled me. I was so sick for so long that it simply became easier to let everyone else help and do everything. I didn’t make any decisions anymore. I didn’t go anywhere.
Exhausted
was my middle name.”

“That’s totally understandable. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through.” Karon had become a big sister to everyone at the station under thirty-five. The woman had more spunk than the proverbial barrel of monkeys. She’d moved from Louisiana to Alaska and opened a coffee shop/bookstore. Just like that. No long, drawn-out decisions. She just did it. Deanna couldn’t fathom this bright, lively woman in front of her giving up.

“Now, I have a point. This isn’t a pity party about me, Dee. I wanted to share with you what God did during that time. In my exhaustion, I thought about how much easier it would be for everyone else if they didn’t have to take care of me, if they didn’t have to worry about me. And it was during one of those martyr times that I was lying in bed crying. I realized it was my
fear
of living that held me back.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Fear isn’t of God, Dee. He is the Creator of all and our days are listed in His book. But whether the Lord took me home through the cancer, or He let me live—I was still afraid. Of living or dying.”

Deanna leaned forward and fidgeted with the fringe of the blanket. “So what did you do? To get past the fear?”

“I admitted to God that
I
wanted to be in control, and when that control was taken away from me, I let go and allowed fear in. It wasn’t about dying. It wasn’t even about the cancer. It was about me saying, ‘Lord, Your will be done’ no matter what. I prayed and asked Him to give me the will to live for Him whether I had one more day, or a million days.”

Something about her words struck Deanna deep. A little too close to home. She liked to be in control, too. In fact, she’d controlled every aspect of her life for a long time. She loved the Lord and yet didn’t feel the growth and closeness to Him that she’d longed for all these years. “What happened?”

“God used every second in the hospitals. Every person I met. Every second of treatment. Every person I prayed with. Every second of my exhaustion. Every person I saw leave this world and enter into the arms of our Father. I let go and when He allowed me to live a little longer for Him, I vowed to live every moment to the fullest.” Karon pulled her knees up to her chest. “No matter how many I had left. I wanted to live. And I’m not saying that my will to live was what saved me or cured me of cancer. I’m saying I wanted to live because He could still use me, use my story, use my
cancer
for His glory.” Karon looked down and took a deep breath. “Because the cancer could always come back. But God is bigger than cancer, and there are so many people who need to know Him.
He’s
what living is all about. This body, this world, is only temporary. What’s important is letting other people know. I can’t let fear keep me from sharing the greatest story ever told.”