Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (1077 page)

(
ALI
does so
)

Now my dear please don’t forget to write the letter to the agents.

(
ENID
goes out
)

You fool! Why did you not make sure I was alone?

ALI
: I thought no one here but Sahib.

RYLOTT
: Well as it happens there’s no harm done (
Goes to door and locks it. Pulls down blind of window
)

(
While he does so
ALI
opens a cupboard and takes out a square wicker work basket.
RYLOTT
pours milk into saucer and puts it before basket. Then he cracks his fingers and whistles while
ALI
plays on an Eastern flute
)

CURTAIN

SCENE I
I

MR. SHERLOCK HOLMES’ room in Baker Street.

Enter
BILLY
,
showing in
DR
.
WATSON
.

WATSON
: I particularly want to see Mr. Holmes.

BILLY
: Well, sir, I expect he will be back almost immediately.

WATSON
: Is he very busy just now?

BILLY
: Yes, sir, we are very busy. We don’t get much time to ourselves these days.

WATSON
: Any particular case?

BILLY
: Quite a number of cases, sir. Two German princes and the Duchess of Ferrers yesterday. The Pope’s been bothering us again. Wants us to go to Rome over the cameo robbery. We are very overworked.

WATSON
: Well, I’ll wait for Mr. Holmes.

BILLY
: Very good, sir. Here is
The Times
. There’s four for him in the waiting-room now.

WATSON
: Any lady among them?

BILLY
: Not what I would call a lady, sir.

WATSON
: All right, I’ll wait. (
Lights a cigarette and looks around him.
) Just the same as ever. There are the old chemicals! Heavens! what have I not endured from those chemicals in the old days? Pistol practice on the wall. Quite so. I wonder if he still keeps tobacco in that Persian slipper? Yes, here it is. And his pipes in the coal-scuttle — black clays. Full of them — the same as ever. (
Takes one out and smells it.
) Faugh! Bottle of cocaine — Billy, Billy!

BILLY
: I’ve done my best to break him of it, sir.

WATSON
: All right, Billy, you can go.

(
BILLY
goes out
.)

There’s the old violin — the same old violin, with one string left. (
Sits on settee
.)

(
Enter
SHERLOCK HOLMES
,
disguised as a workman, with tools.
)

HOLMES
: You sent for me, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

WATSON
: I am not Mr. Holmes.

HOLMES
: Beg pardon, sir, it was to mend the gas-bracket.

WATSON
: What’s wrong with it?

HOLMES
: Leaking sir.

WATSON
: Well go on with your work.

HOLMES
: Yes, sir. (
Goes to the bracket.
) Hope I won’t disturb you sir?

WATSON
(
taking up The Times
): That’s all right Don’t mind me.

HOLMES
: Very untidy man Mr. Holmes sir.

WATSON
: What do you mean by that?

HOLMES
: Well, sir, you can’t help noticing it. It’s all over the room. I’ve ‘eard say he was as tidy as any when he started, but he learned bad ‘abits from a cove what lived with him. Watson was his name.

(
Slips into bedroom
)

WATSON
(
rising
): You impertinent fellow! How dare you talk in such a fashion? What do you want? (
Looks round
.) Why! wha’ deuce has become of him?

(
The workman emerges as
SHERLOCK HOLMES
,
in dressing-gown with hands in pockets
)

Good Heavens Holmes! I should never have recognized you.

HOLMES
: My dear Watson when you begin to recognize me it will indeed be the beginning of the end. When your eagle eye penetrates my disguise I shall retire to an eligible poultry farm.

WATSON
: But why — ?

HOLMES
: A case my dear Watson a case! One of those small conundrums which a trustful public occasionally confides to my investigation. To the British workman, Watson, all doors are open. His costume is unostentatious and his habits are sociable. A tool bag is an excellent passport and a tawny moustache will secure the co-operation of the maids. It may interest you to know that my humble double is courting a cook at Battersea. (
Strikes match and lights pipe)

WATSON
: My dear Holmes! is it fair to the girl?

HOLMES
: Chivalrous old Watson! It’s a game of life and death, and every card must be played! But in this case I have a hated rival — the constable on the adjoining beat — so when I disappear, all will readjust itself. We walk out on Saturday evenings. Oh! those walks! But the honour of a Duchess is at stake. A mad world, my masters. (
Turns to survey Watson
.) Well, Watson, what is your news?

WATSON
(
smiling
): Well, Holmes, I came here to tell you what I am sure will please you.

HOLMES
: Engaged, Watson, engaged! Your coat, your hat, your gloves, your buttonhole, your smile, your blush! The successful suitor shines from you all over. What I had heard of you or perhaps what I had not heard of you, had already excited my worst suspicions. (
Looks fixedly at Watson.
) But this is better and better, for I begin to perceive that it is a young lady whom I know and respect.

WATSON
: But, Holmes, this is marvellous. The lady is Miss Morstan, whom you have indeed met and admired. But how could you tell —

HOLMES
: By the same observation, my dear Watson, which assures me that you have seen the lady this morning. (
Picks a hair off
WATSON’S
breast, wraps it round his finger, and glances at it with his lens
.) Charming, my dear fellow, charming. There is no mistaking the Titian tint. You lucky fellow! I envy you.

WATSON
: Thank you, Holmes. Some of these days I may find myself congratulating you.

HOLMES
: No marriage without love, Watson.

WATSON
: Then why not love? (
Placing his hand on
HOLMES’S
shoulders
.)

HOLMES
: Absurd, Watson, absurd! I am not for love, nor love for me. It would disturb my reason, unbalance my faculties. Love is like a flaw in the crystal, sand in the clockwork, iron near the magnet. No, no, I have other work in the world.

WATSON
: You have, indeed. Billy says you are very busy just now.

HOLMES
: There are one or two small matters.

WATSON
: Have you room to consider one other — the case of Miss Enid Stonor?

HOLMES
: My dear fellow, if you have any personal interest in it. (
Sitting on divan
.)

WATSON
: Yes, I feel keenly about it.

HOLMES
(
taking out note-book
): Let us see how I stand. There is the Baxter Square murder — I have put the police on the track. The Clerkenwell Jewel Robbery — that is now clearing. The case of the Duchess of Ferrers — I have my material. The Pope’s cameos. His Holiness must wait. The Princess who is about to run from home — let her run. I must see one or two who are waiting for me — (
rings bell
) — then I am entirely at your disposal.

(
Enter
BILLY
.)

BILLY
: Yes, Mr. Holmes.

HOLMES
: How many are waiting?

BILLY
: Three, sir.

HOLMES
: A light morning. Show them in now.

(
BILLY
goes out.
)

WATSON
: Well, I’ll look in later.

HOLMES
(
striking match and lighting pipe
): No, no, my dear fellow! I have always looked on you as a partner in the Firm — Holmes, Watson, Billy & Co. That’s our brass plate when we raise one. If you’ll sit there I shall soon be free.

(
Enter
BILLY
,
with a card on tray
. .
MR HOLT LOAMING
follows, a rich, dissipated-looking, middle-aged man in an astrakhan-collared coat.
BILLY
goes out
.)

(
Reading
.) Mr. Holt Loaming. I remember the name. A racing man, I believe?

LOAMING
: Yes, sir.

HOLMES
: Pray take a seat.

(
LOAMING
draws up near the table.
)

What can I do for you?

LOAMING
: Time’s money, Mr. Holmes, both yours and mine. I’m pretty quick off the mark, and you won’t mind that. I’m not here on the advice gratis line. Don’t you think it. I’ve my Cheque book here — (
takes it out
) — and there’s plenty behind it. I won’t grudge you your fee, Mr. Holmes. I promise you that.

HOLMES
: Well, Mr. Loaming, let us hear the business.

LOAMING
: My wife, Mr. Holmes — damn her! — she’s given me the slip. Got back to her own people and they’ve hid her. There’s the law, of course, but she’d get out all kinds of lies about ill-treatment. She’s mine, and I’ll just take her when I know where to lay my hands on her.

HOLMES
: How would you take her?

LOAMING
: I just have to walk up to her and beckon. She’s one of those wincing kind of nervous fillies that kick about in the paddock but give in when once the bridle’s on them and they feel the whip. You show me where she is, and I’ll do the rest.

HOLMES
: She is with her own people, you say?

LOAMING
: Well, there’s no man in the case, if that’s what you’re driving at. Lord! if you knew how straight she is, and how she carries on when I have a fling. She’s got a cluster of aunts, and she’s lyin’ low somewhere among them. It’s for you to put her up.

HOLMES
: I fancy not, Mr. Loaming.

LOAMING
: Eh? What’s that?

HOLMES
: I rather like to think of her among that cluster of aunts.

LOAMING
: But, damn it, sir, she’s my wife.

HOLMES
: That’s why!

LOAMING
(
getting up
): Well, it’s a rum start, this. Look here, you don’t know what you’re missing. I’d have gone to five hundred. Here’s the cheque.

HOLMES
: The case does not attract me. (
Rings bell.
)

(
Enter
BILLY
.)

Show Mr. Loaming out, Billy.

LOAMING
: It’s the last you’ll see of me, Mr. Holmes.

HOLMES
: Life is full of little consolations.

LOAMING
: Damn!

(
He takes his hat and goes out with
BILLY
.)

HOLMES
: I’m afraid I shall never be a rich man, Watson.

(
Re-enter
BILLY
.)

Well?

BILLY
: Mr. James B. Montague, sir.

(
Enter
MONTAGUE
,
as
BILLY
goes out.
)

HOLMES
: Good morning, Mr. Montague. Pray take a chair.

(
MONTAGUE
sits
.)

What can I do?

MONTAGUE
(
a furtive-looking man with slimy ways
): Anything fresh about the sudden death of my brother, sir? The police said it was murder, and you said it was murder; but we don’t get any further, do we? (
Placing hat on floor
.)