Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (366 page)
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Authors: Jerome K. Jerome
At the moment chosen by the artist, he had just succeeded in cracking the bridegroom’s skull.
“We must see this,” said we to ourselves. “This is good.” And we had a bob’s worth.
But he did not do any of the things that we have mentioned, after all — at least, we mean we did not see him do any of them. It seems he did them “off,” and then came on and told his mother all about it afterward.
He told it very well, but somehow or other we were disappointed. We had so reckoned on that fight.
By the bye, we have noticed, even among the characters of real life, a tendency to perform most of their wonderful feats “off.”
It has been our privilege since then to gaze upon many posters on which have been delineated strange and moving stage events.
We have seen the hero holding the villain up high above his head, and throwing him about that carelessly that we have felt afraid he would break something with him.
We have seen a heroine leaping from the roof of a house on one side of the street and being caught by the comic man standing on the roof of a house on the other side of the street and thinking nothing of it.
We have seen railway trains rushing into each other at the rate of sixty miles an hour. We have seen houses blown up by dynamite two hundred feet into the air. We have seen the defeat of the Spanish Armada, the destruction of Pompeii, and the return of the British army from Egypt in one “set” each.
Such incidents as earthquakes, wrecks in mid-ocean, revolutions and battles we take no note of, they being commonplace and ordinary.
But we do not go inside to see these things now. We have two looks at the poster instead; it is more satisfying.
The Irishman, to return to our friend, is very fond of whisky — the stage Irishman, we mean. Whisky is forever in his thoughts — and often in other places belonging to him, besides.
The fashion in dress among stage Irishmen is rather picturesque than neat. Tailors must have a hard time of it in stage Ireland.
The stage Irishman has also an original taste in hats. He always wears a hat without a crown; whether to keep his head cool or with any political significance we cannot say.
THE DETECTIVE.
Ah! he is a cute one, he is. Possibly in real life he would not be deemed anything extraordinary, but by contrast with the average of stage men and women, any one who is not a born fool naturally appears somewhat Machiavellian.
He is the only man in the play who does not swallow all the villain tells him and believe it, and come up with his mouth open for more. He is the only man who can see through the disguise of an overcoat and a new hat.
There is something very wonderful about the disguising power of cloaks and hats upon the stage. This comes from the habit people on the stage have of recognizing their friends, not by their faces and voices, but by their cloaks and hats.
A married man on the stage knows his wife, because he knows she wears a blue ulster and a red bonnet. The moment she leaves off that blue ulster and red bonnet he is lost and does not know where she is.
She puts on a yellow cloak and a green hat, and coming in at another door says she is a lady from the country, and does he want a housekeeper?
Having lost his beloved wife, and feeling that there is no one now to keep the children quiet, he engages her. She puzzles him a good deal, this new housekeeper. There is something about her that strangely reminds him of his darling Nell — maybe her boots and dress, which she has not had time to change.
Sadly the slow acts pass away until one day, as it is getting near closing-time, she puts on the blue ulster and the red bonnet again and comes in at the old original door.
Then he recognizes her and asks her where she has been all these cruel years.
Even the bad people, who as a rule do possess a little sense — indeed, they are the only persons in the play who ever pretend to any — are deceived by singularly thin disguises.
The detective comes in to their secret councils, with his hat drawn down over his eyes, and followed by the hero speaking in a squeaky voice; and the villains mistake them for members of the band and tell them all their plans.
If the villains can’t get themselves found out that way, then they go into a public tea-garden and recount their crimes to one another in a loud tone of voice.
They evidently think that it is only fair to give the detective a chance.
The detective must not be confounded with the policeman. The stage policeman is always on the side of the villain; the detective backs virtue.
The stage detective is, in fact, the earthly agent of a discerning and benevolent Providence. He stands by and allows vice to be triumphant and the good people to be persecuted for awhile without interference. Then when he considers that we have all had about enough of it (to which conclusion, by the bye, he arrives somewhat late) he comes forward, handcuffs the bad people, sorts out and gives back to the good people all their various estates and wives, promises the chief villain twenty years’ penal servitude, and all is joy.
THE SAILOR.
He does suffer so with his trousers. He has to stop and pull them up about twice every minute.
One of these days, if he is not careful, there will be an accident happen to those trousers.
If the stage sailor will follow our advice, he will be warned in time and will get a pair of braces.
Sailors in real life do not have nearly so much trouble with their trousers as sailors on the stage do. Why is this? We have seen a good deal of sailors in real life, but on only one occasion, that we can remember, did we ever see a real sailor pull his trousers up.
And then he did not do it a bit like they do it on the stage.
The stage sailor places his right hand behind him and his left in front, leaps up into the air, kicks out his leg behind in a gay and bird-like way, and the thing is done.
The real sailor that we saw began by saying a bad word. Then he leaned up against a brick wall and undid his belt, pulled up his “bags” as he stood there (he never attempted to leap up into the air), tucked in his jersey, shook his legs, and walked on.
It was a most unpicturesque performance to watch.
The thing that the stage sailor most craves in this life is that somebody should shiver his timbers.
“Shiver my timbers!” is the request he makes to every one he meets. But nobody ever does it.
His chief desire with regard to the other people in the play is that they should “belay there, avast!” We do not know how this is done; but the stage sailor is a good and kindly man, and we feel convinced he would not recommend the exercise if it were not conducive to piety and health.
The stage sailor is good to his mother and dances the hornpipe beautifully. We have never found a real sailor who could dance a hornpipe, though we have made extensive inquiries throughout the profession. We were introduced to a ship’s steward who offered to do us a cellar-flap for a pot of four-half, but that was not what we wanted.
The stage sailor is gay and rollicking: the real sailors we have met have been, some of them, the most worthy and single-minded of men, but they have appeared sedate rather than gay, and they haven’t rollicked much.
The stage sailor seems to have an easy time of it when at sea. The hardest work we have ever seen him do then has been folding up a rope or dusting the sides of the ship.
But it is only in his very busy moments that he has to work to this extent; most of his time is occupied in chatting with the captain.
By the way, speaking of the sea, few things are more remarkable in their behavior than a stage sea. It must be difficult to navigate in a stage sea, the currents are so confusing.
As for the waves, there is no knowing how to steer for them; they are so tricky. At one moment they are all on the larboard, the sea on the other side of the vessel being perfectly calm, and the next instant they have crossed over and are all on the starboard, and before the captain can think how to meet this new dodge, the whole ocean has slid round and got itself into a heap at the back of him.
Seamanship is useless against such very unprofessional conduct as this, and the vessel is wrecked.
A wreck at (stage) sea is a truly awful sight. The thunder and lightning never leave off for an instant; the crew run round and round the mast and scream; the heroine, carrying the stage child in her arms and with her back hair down, rushes about and gets in everybody’s way. The comic man alone is calm!
The next instant the bulwarks fall down flat on the deck and the mast goes straight up into the sky and disappears, then the water reaches the powder magazine and there is a terrific explosion.
This is followed by a sound as of linen sheets being ripped up, and the passengers and crew hurry downstairs into the cabin, evidently with the idea of getting out of the way of the sea, which has climbed up and is now level with the deck.
The next moment the vessel separates in the middle and goes off R. and L., so as to make room for a small boat containing the heroine, the child, the comic man, and one sailor.
The way small boats are managed at (stage) sea is even more wonderful than the way in which ships are sailed.
To begin with, everybody sits sideways along the middle of the boat, all facing the starboard. They do not attempt to row. One man does all the work with one scull. This scull he puts down through the water till it touches the bed of the ocean, and then he shoves.
“Deep-sea punting” would be the technical term for the method, we presume.
In this way do they toil — or rather, to speak correctly, does the one man toil — through the awful night, until with joy they see before them the light-house rocks.
The light-house keeper comes out with a lantern. The boat is run in among the breakers and all are saved.
And then the band plays.
THE END
THE DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE, AND SIX ESSAYS
Initially published with six separate essays,
The Diary of a Pilgrimage
is a fictionalised travelogue, written at the height of Jerome’s popular success in 1891. It was first serialised in the
Graphic
. The subject matter is a trip taken by Jerome and his friend ‘B.’ to see the Oberammergau Passion Play in Oberau, Germany. The book foreshadows the satire on German culture that was also to make its appearance in
Three Men on the Bummel
, but it also satirises the ‘purple’ passages of description that had made
Three Men on a Boat
such an uneven read for some critics. Jerome comments humorously on this by including deliberately fatuous ‘notes’ for such passages, rather than the passages themselves. Its lower-middle-class perspective and humorous tone earned it reviews as hostile as those that had greeted
Three Men in a Boat
, with many seeing Jerome’s satirical commentary on the Passion Play as unforgivably sacrilegious.
Cover of the first edition
CONTENTS
HALF OF SATURDAY 24TH, AND SOME OF SUNDAY, 25TH
END OF SATURDAY, 24TH, AND BEGINNING OF SUNDAY, 25TH — CONTINUED
