Deliver Us (19 page)

He’s been trying to get hold of both Kyle and Gabriel for what seems like forever. Kyle is not picking up and Gabriel is probably still working and unable to answer.

He’s angry. He’s angry with himself for kissing Kyle and turning into the thing he hates most—a cheater. He’s angry with Kyle for leaving so abruptly, like he was doing Darrek a favor by taking off right after hitting him with all of these revelations and turning his world upside-down.

He’s angry with Gabriel.

His anger with Gabriel is harder to define. It is partly because Gabriel knew about Kyle and did not let Darrek know, other than to urge him vaguely to ‘talk’ to Kyle. He is also upset that Gabriel has been personally responsible for a good majority of Kyle’s pain and pleasure for such a long period of time. It just underlies his feelings from before Kyle had appeared at his door, his mistrust in Gabriel’s job and his doubt in the fact that the two of them can have a healthy relationship despite it.

Darrek keeps envisioning Kyle, Ben and Gabriel together in Diadem’s dungeon. The images his mind supplies make his stomach churn. He glares at the glowing computer screen, the opened browser window and wants to see for himself, but it’s the buttons of his phone that he keeps touching, his connection to the two men so very much on his mind. He has left them both multiple voicemails. The waiting is hard, though.

Two more hours pass with nothing, and he is about to lose his mind when the phone rings in his hand. Fumbling with it, he answers with a hurried, “Yeah? Hello?” before even looking to see who it is.

“You have to stop calling,” is the almost begging and sullen reply.

“I want to make sure you’re okay! Are you okay? You were so upset... I’ve never seen you like that.”

“Are you looking at it? You’re looking at the website, aren’t you?”

“No. I’m not,” Darrek insists, adding, “Why, do you want me to?”

“I don’t know if I can handle you seeing that shit. I asked Ben if he could set up a double session for me and you, but it wasn’t real then, you know? Now... after what I told you... I don’t think I can stand the thought of you seeing everything they’ve done to me.”

“Wait... you asked Ben for a double session?”

“Yeah. But that was before. Just a fucked-up fantasy or something. Look... I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to know. I wanted to just keep this all to myself and I didn’t want to make things weird for you and Gabe. I meant it when I said that I just want you to be happy. So, stop calling, okay? Go be with Gabe.”

“Kyle... I’m trying to be sorry about kissing you, because I know it’s not fair to Gabriel, but... I’m not. I’m not sorry at all.”

There is a rustling at the other end of the line and Darrek says loudly into the phone, “Don’t hang up!”

“This
isn’t fair
to me, Darrek!” Kyle yells, “I’m trying to be honest with you! Don’t take advantage of that and, like... lead me on or something. Just don’t.”

“I’m not trying to lead you on,” he insists. “I’m trying to be honest, too. I don’t know what’s going on right now. I’m... confused.”

“I can tell.”

There is a long moment of quiet between them then Kyle adds, “You told me that you don’t like me the way that you like Gabriel. I could tell that you meant that. You’ve never seemed to be attracted to me, Dare, so I have no idea what’s going on here. Did Gabe hurt you or something? Are you just acting out by kissing me?”

“I don’t know... I
don’t
feel the same way about you guys. Kyle, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I trust you and I
do
love you as a friend. I feel like there’s something happening here with us. Seeing this side of you and how much you care about me... I don’t know. It changes things for me. I just keep thinking about that kiss, about how it felt to kiss you and how
good
it was, but I have feelings for Gabriel too. I feel like I
could
love him—
really
love him—if we could each get past the shit holding us back. But I don’t know if that’s even possible. Maybe Gabe and I work best when we’re just Dom and sub. Maybe it shouldn’t be more than that.”

“Okay. You need to stop and take a breath. Talk to Gabriel. You sound like you’re trying to talk yourself into this. I don’t want you to talk yourself into wanting me. Do me a favor and don’t call me for a few days. Take some time to sort this shit out.”

“But I want to
see you
, Kyle,” he argues softly. “Can I come over there and see you?”

The worst part is that Kyle can hear the implication of what would happen between them if Darrek
did
come over to see him. He can hear the naked desire in Darrek’s voice, and can feel his own fragile defenses and resolutions to do what is right melting away. The knowledge is like salvation and damnation all wrapped up in one neat package. He can almost see it; almost feel how it would be.

Darrek hears a small cry of pain then a hissed, “Fuck you, Dare. Go to hell. I can’t fucking believe you.”

The line goes dead.

Sometime later, the phone rings on the desk.

Darrek stares at it, at Gabriel’s number glowing like a spark of warmth and life on the tiny screen in the darkened house.

Pushing his chair back from the desk, he leaves it there, unanswered. Heading to the house’s back door he walks outside into the pitch black of the night. Shutting the door tightly behind him, he’s glad when he can no longer hear the faint ringing from inside.

Approximately a half hour later, Darrek is systematically marking and then cutting lumber with a hand saw in the garage, channeling his frustration and anger into the movements of his hands and the exertions of his muscles. His shirt discarded, forgotten on the dirty floor, ear buds in place, he drowns out the world with the music blasting from his iPod, tucked carefully into his back pocket. As he slices repeatedly into the wood, focusing on the digging back-and-forth motion of the blade, Darrek lets it fill his mind and drown everything else out. It makes him feel better. He could go all night like this and probably will. It’s a distraction, it’s
real
and the last thing he wants right now is to dream.

His hand cramps up and arm muscles burn as the pile of trimmed boards grows next to him, but he welcomes it. He wants more hurt, more pain.

When a hand grabs him from behind, this time he’s marginally more prepared for it, though it still catches him off-guard.

Dropping the saw onto the workbench, ear buds tugging free, Darrek is spun around by Gabriel’s firm grip on his shoulder. All he sees is the fist headed for his face. It connects with his jaw. Pain blooms and explodes up through his skull, knocking him backward.

“I trusted you, you son of a bitch!” Gabriel screams. “I
trusted
you!”

Darrek’s vision had darkened at the edges but now it gradually starts to clear. He feels hands shoving at his bare chest and prepares himself for further blows that do not come.

“How dare you?! How
dare you
kiss him?! And you weren’t even sorry about it! Goddamn it! Goddamn it you son of a bitch! I trusted you, Darrek! Do you know how big a deal that is for me, you asshole?!”

Blinking, Darrek’s eyes clear, and then he can see. He sees the tears running down Gabriel’s face, the betrayal and hurt burning in his eyes. For someone who’s usually so stoic and emotionally withdrawn, the sight of Gabriel’s raw pain is jolting to Darrek, even more jolting that Kyle’s confession had been.

Gabriel’s breath catches in a whine and he stumbles over a piece of wood littering the cluttered floor. He nearly falls over, and Darrek reaches out to catch him.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t fucking touch me!” Gabriel cries, pushing him off and steadying himself, and it’s the weakness and frailness in his voice that causes Darrek to fall to his knees in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” he begs. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t go looking for this, I swear. He just laid this all on me and he was so upset... I just wanted to....”

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Gabriel spouts, rubbing the back of his arm across his damp face. “And fucking stand up! Stand up, you jerk!”

Still on his knees, Darrek bows his head and clasps his hands behind his back.

“Go ahead,” he urges. “Please. Hurt me. I want you to. I deserve it.”

It’s far too tempting, and Gabriel knows that Darrek would let him. He would let him do anything and they are surrounded by all sorts of cruel implements that Gabriel simply itches to pick up and wield against him.

Gabriel yells, fists clenched, and kicks a small chunk of pine across the garage. It ricochets off the side wall and gets lost in a dark corner.

“God damn you,” Gabriel hisses, “why would you do this? Why
today?
After what happened, after what we
did
, what I
told you?
How could you?!”

Head still bowed, Darrek says quietly, “Because I was scared, okay? I could feel myself falling in love with you, and it scared the shit out of me, because I still wasn’t sure if you could ever love me back. And I can’t let myself fall for someone that can’t love me. I did that once already and it nearly killed me. So, yeah, maybe I saw Kyle as an out. And I’m a shitty person for doing that to him and to you, but I do love him as a friend. He’s always been there for me, and I’ve never doubted that about him. It’s never been an issue.”

“But you think
I’m
not going to be there for you,” Gabriel scowls, stepping up to him. Grabbing a fistful of Darrek’s long hair, he yanks his head back, forcing him to meet his eyes as he spits out, “You think I’m gonna fuck and run? I told you that I don’t let myself be with people! I
told you
that I care about you. I told you that! I asked you to tell me to leave! I asked you that because I didn’t want it to go this far! And fuck you for not telling me to leave! So... what? Because I’m scared to let you fuck me, you’re calling it off? Seriously, Darrek? If I bend over right here, and let you fuck the hell out of my ass, that gonna change your mind? You really controlled that much by your dick?”

Releasing him roughly, Gabriel still wants to slap him, to smack that pitiful expression off of Darrek’s face. Instead his hands go to his own pants, to his buckle. He begins to undo it.

Darrek grabs Gabriel’s legs and says, “Stop, Gabe. That’s not true...” even as Gabriel gets the buckle undone and goes to unzip his fly, still sobbing and sniffling back tears. “
Don’t
!”

“No, obviously, this is the only way you’re going to believe me,” Gabriel chokes out, hitching his pants down on his hips. “Come on and fuck me, Dare. I’m used to crying when I get fucked, anyway. It’ll be like old times.”

Darrek struggles to his feet and tugs Gabriel’s pants back up, a scowl of his own on his face.

“If you hate me so much, Gabriel, then leave. Why are you here if you hate me this much?” he asks.

“Why am I here?!” Gabriel laughs, wiping at his incredibly red, puffy, and tired-looking eyes again. “Because I’m an idiot! I am a stupid fucking idiot.”

Gabriel turns away and crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself. Then he sighs heavily and digs something out of his front pocket. He closes his fingers around it and throws it to the dirty floor.

It’s a crumpled purple flower.

“Oh god... Gabe...” Darrek gasps, stung and almost knocked off his feet by the sight of it.

He steps forward and takes Gabriel in his arms, looping them around Gabriel’s chest and feeling the hitches as he chokes back his emotions.

“Get off of me,” Gabriel grunts, trying to shake Darrek off, but he’s not really trying. Darrek holds on tighter and presses his face into Gabriel’s hair.

“No,” Darrek tells him. “I’m not letting you go.”

“I was ready to give you my heart. And then you broke it. Fucking
stomped
on it. Do you know what it was like to get that call from Kyle? Or when you wouldn’t even pick up your goddamned phone?”

“Kyle called you?”

“Of course he called me! He’s madder at you than I am!”

“I told you that I tend to disappoint people. I always have. I’m a fuck-up.”

They stand there together for a few minutes as Gabriel catches his breath and Darrek berates himself silently.