Delicate (29 page)

I felt so at peace in my mom’s childhood home. I stayed
up late, in the room that she’d grown up in. I felt
close to her, like she was helping to guide me. And
,
strangely
, being in a town of total strangers was exactly what I needed to find myself again. I realized that I was okay, just as I was. That everything didn’t have to be perfect all the time. That I didn’t have to make everyone happy, and the only person’s happiness that I was responsible
for
was my own. 

So,
that’s
where I
’m
headed
;
to my happiness.

Grant and I had talked daily since he
left for
New York.  He’d sent me e-mails full of gorgeous photos and packages of trinkets that he
’d
pick up.  Our nightly phone conversations had become my favorite part of the day. We could
and would
talk about everything under the sun.

And this trip? This
i
s my birthday present to
myself
.  Dad and Quinn were shocked when I didn’t want to have a big eighteenth birthday party. I had something else in mind.

I knew that just like I had been with his, Grant was totally in the dark about when my birthday was. The idea occurred to me while I was in Oregon. I stopped by to visit Julie when I got back from my vacation with Maisy and Dad and she helped me plan my trip.

I’d
cleaned out my savings account and was going to surprise Grant. I could perfectly appreciate how he felt when he said that
he’d
spent his birthday exactly how he wanted when
he’d
spent it with me.

We
’re
landing and still,
the
nerves that had once been so paralyzing ha
ve
yet to kick in. Instead, I fe
el
completely serene and at peace with my decisions. I grab my carryon bag from under the seat and follow the crowd off of the plane. I ke
ep
waiting for the claustrophobia to strike, but it never c
omes
.

Julie made arrangements for someone to pick me up from the airport. If I had any idea where I was going, I probably
would have jumped out of the car
and run down the streets myself. The traffic
i
s like nothing I’ve
ever seen. I admit, my stomach tighten
s
when the driver stop
s
outside a massive building and the doorman help
s
me with my bags.

I’
ve
made it this far, all expertly planned by Julie, but now
,
I’m on my own. 

I start wringing my hands as the elevator climbs floors. I pull the address card out of my purse and read it for the hundredth time. I know which apartment I’m looking for, but I keep checking constantly. Just in case. The elevator doors open and reveal a small hallway, decorated in thick, formal wallpaper. The stuffy interior makes me cringe. There’s the claustrophobia I’d missed so much. But there’s only one door down the hall,
Grant’s door.
The apartment he’s been staying with his brother in for the summer. It’s right there.

I hesitate at the door.
This is it. What if he’s not even home?

I knock lightly and wait. He might not have heard the light knock; he wouldn’t have been expecting it since the doorman hadn’t buzzed. I raise my hand to knock again and the door fl
ies
open.

And he’s there.

His hair is a little longer, a lot more unruly
,
and just as perfect. He’s casual like always, wearing plaid shorts, a navy blue sleeveless shirt and brown leather flip flops. His face lights up and his mouth forms his trademark, flawless smile.

“Sydney!” he gasps. He doesn’t even hesitate and instead, pulls me up off of the ground and close to him.

“What are you doing here?” His eyes are wide with surprise.

I smile widely at him. “It’s
my
birthday.”

He’s still holding me tightly. He holds me high enough that I’m eye
-
level with him, my feet dangling high off the ground. He kicks the door shut behind him and carrie
s
me to the couch.

The inside of the apartment is formal, like the halls. It’s spotless and a little stuffy, but Grant’s laid-back vibe helps balance it all out.

“This is amazing,” I say.
The view from the floor to ceiling windows is something I’d only imagined ever seeing. Skyscrapers and famous landmarks for as far as I could see.

He sits down on the firm, white sofa and se
ts
me sideways on his lap. He reaches up and brushes my hair back behind my shoulders.

“I can’t believe that you’re here,” he says.

“Well, it’s been a lot of days without kisses,” I say. 

He laughs quietly and pulls me closer. He teases me with his lips, brushing them across my cheeks, my lips,
and my
forehead. Never staying anywhere long enough for me to really reciprocate.

“Happy
b
irthday,” he says. He traces a line up and down my spine and I tremble with delight.

“Thank you,” I say. It’s peaceful, and right, and perfect.

“So, how did you get here? I mean, how did you know where I was?”

I’d
worried that Julie might slip and reveal the surprise, but it’s obvious from the expression on his face that he never had a hint that I was coming.

“Julie helped.” I’m sure he knew that she was capable of close to anything.

He nuzzles his nose under my ear and kisses the skin lightly. I’d missed the feeling of those lips.

“I missed you,” I whisper.

“
I missed y
ou too, baby.” He kisses my chin, my nose, and then finally my lips. And it’s all I’d been waiting for for months. Because it isn’t just a kiss. It’s finally the start of us. Real and honest, and safe. I love Grant. I love him for being all of those things.

I loved Trevor wholly. In all the good ways that made me feel alive and special and important. But also, in the bad way
s
. The ways that shut me off from others and left me alone with my pain. The ways that
had me keep secrets. I loved Trevor
in all the ways that I thought mattered, even though I knew that
I
didn’t.

Letting go is never easy. Especially when you can’t see where you’re going to land. But I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to throw your weight behind the change. Take the chance that you may fall.

Did some cosmic force step in and bring Grant into my life at just the right time to rescue me?  I don’t know.  The one thing that I
am
sure of is that there w
ill
be a lot more un
certainties in my life.  There
will
always be another difficult dismount, and countless more blind landings.  But for the first time in my life, I
’m
okay with that. I
’m
looking forward to the twists and turns, and surprises—there’
ll
be a thousand more times I won’t be able to see where I
’m
going to land.

Grant wraps his hand through mine and I know that
whether I land firmly, or fall
, he’ll be right there, next to me.

Authors Note:

According to the website,
www.loveisrespect.org
, nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.

One in three is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a
partner.

One in ten high school students has been hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

One
quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.

Love is not abuse.
If you need help,
please
check out their website
, loveisrespect.org.

They have help
available
via text, phone, or an online chat option available 24/7.

********

Want to know how Sydney’s best friend, Quinn spends her summer vacation?

Check out the companion book,

GROUNDING QUINN, available now.

-
Acknowledgments
-

Thanks to all of you wonderful, patient readers, who waited and waited…
and waited
for this release.

To my Lucky 21. You are, by far, the best part of this whole crazy, publishing journey. So
blessed
to have every single one of you in my life.
Love you all.

To the amazing, hilarious and just plain awesome, Liz Reinhardt who cheered me on to the finish line.
(
And reads faster than anyone I know.
)
I owe you, gorgeous.

To Jolene Pe
rry
,
for
taking a chance and
reaching out to a newly
self-published author and turning into one of my best friends.