Defy (38 page)

door and cracked it open. The cot I’d slept on was still there, and

I had to take a deep breath to calm my emotions yet again. Lisbet

was sitting on it, and when the door opened, she jumped to her feet.

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“You’re up,” she said.

“I need some clothes, please,” I said, glancing around the

room, grateful to see it was empty.

“What would you like to wear? King Damian’s official corona-

tion is in a few hours. I’m sure he’d want you to be there.” She

gave me a searching look.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I’d rejected him on the

day of his coronation. Why hadn’t I been told? But then again, my

answer would have still been the same.

“I’ve been commanded to continue my duties as guard to

King Damian, so I would like to wear what the other guards are

wearing,” I finally responded.

Lisbet nodded and turned to walk away.

When she came back, she handed me a uniform similar to

what we’d always worn, but now it had the insignia of the king on

the pocket of the vest.

“Will you be continuing your position as Alex or Alexa?”

Lisbet asked, giving me a look from the corner of her eye after I

climbed out of the bath she’d drawn for me.

“Alexa,” I said. “I’m not hiding who I am anymore.”

Lisbet nodded. “Your hair is growing out. Soon you’ll be able

to braid it when you’re on duty, if you’d like.”

I reached up and was surprised to realize she was right. In the

many weeks of traveling, it had grown a few inches, nearly reach-

ing my shoulders now. Tears pricked my eyes again, and I smiled

hesitantly.

“You’re still beautiful,” she said softly as she helped me get

dressed. My left shoulder was stiff; Lisbet had told me it might

take some time to get my full range of motion back.

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“You don’t have to lie to me.” I wiped the wetness from my

face in irritation before letting her help me pull on my shirt. For

the first time, I wore a woman’s undergarment beneath it, instead

of a cloth binding to hide my breasts.

Lisbet gently took my shoulders in her hands, forcing me to look

at her. “True beauty is what lies inside of us, not what the world sees.

A beautiful shell that houses a vile soul becomes sullied over time.

But an outer shell, imperfect as it may be, that houses a beautiful soul shines with that beauty, radiating it for all who have eyes to see.”

I stared down at the f loor, not meeting her eyes.

“We still see
you
, Alexa. Not your scars. Your scars are nothing to be ashamed of — they are a manifestation of your courage and

determination. They are witness to the fact that you saved this

nation.” She reached down and picked up my vest, guided my arms

through it. “Those who truly love you will only ever see you for

what you really are.”

I didn’t reply as I buttoned up the vest and strapped a scabbard

around my waist. When I was dressed, Lisbet turned me to face

the full-length mirror.

“You see? You’re fierce
and
lovely.”

I stared at myself, and at first, all I could see were my scars.

But the longer I looked, the more I noticed other things. Like my

hair, thick and dark and growing longer again. My eyes, untouched

by the fire. My eyes were still my brother’s eyes, and our father’s.

I still had my arms, my hands, my legs. I wore the uniform of the

guard, but I looked different, and not just because of my scars.

Without the binding, I had the figure of a woman, and I wondered

what everyone else would think when they found out — if they

didn’t already know.

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But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. As I stood there, becom-

ing familiar with my new ref lection, an unexpected peace f lowed

over me. Warmth filled my chest until it spread throughout my

whole body.

I was alive. Scarred — yes. But I’d done it. I’d done what I

needed to do to save Antion, to give Damian the chance to save

our nation — and I’d survived.

For the first time since the day I’d had to chop off my hair and

pretend to be a boy, I smiled at my ref lection.

Lisbet left to prepare for the coronation, but I lingered for a few

minutes, relishing the newfound peace I’d found — however brief

it might be. There was so much ahead of me that was still going to

be difficult, even heartbreaking. Guarding Damian would be tor-

turous, but I wouldn’t fail him, no matter how hard being near

him would be. He still had a nation to rebuild.

And there were so many deaths to mourn.

But for this brief moment in time, I felt like I could face every-

thing that waited for me.

When I finally walked into the outer chamber of Damian’s

quarters, Rylan stood across the room from me, and my tentative

courage wavered. He heard the door and paused, not turning

around yet. “Alex?”

“You can keep calling me that if you want, but I’m not going

to hide who I am anymore,” I said.

“Alexa, can I turn around?”

I walked to him, my heart pounding. “Yes,” I said when I

stood only a few feet away.

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Slowly, he turned to face me. His eyes widened slightly, and I

recoiled, thinking it was from the scars. But he shook his head.

“No, it’s not what you think — it’s that . . . you . . . you’re so beautiful.”

I would have responded the same as I did to Lisbet, told him

to stop lying, but I could see the truth in his eyes. He even f lushed a little bit. “I’m glad you aren’t hiding who you are anymore.”

I nodded, and then took a deep breath. “Rylan,” I began, my

voice already trembling, “I’m so sorry.”

A shadow crossed his face, but he reached out and took one of

my hands in his, warm and reassuring. “Please don’t apologize.

Deron told me what happened. He told me how Jude sacrificed

himself to give you the chance to attack Iker. I’m proud of him.”

His voice was thick with emotion.

“He wanted me to tell you that he loves you,” I whispered.

Rylan nodded, and blinked hard a couple of times, his eyes

glistening.

“Without his sacrifice, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

My voice broke and Rylan looked away from me, trying to keep

control. But then I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around

him. He held me tightly as we cried together for all that we

had lost.

Finally, he pulled back but kept his arms around me. He gazed

into my face, and I knew he was one of those Lisbet had told me

about — a person who loved me enough to see
me
, not my scars.

“Is it wrong to be grateful I’m still alive?” I asked.

“No.” Rylan smiled sadly down at me. “It would make them

happy to know that their deaths gave us the chance to live in peace

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and happiness. I think Jude and Marcel would want us to be

happy.”

“And Jaerom. And my parents,” I agreed.

Rylan nodded and as he looked into my eyes, his expression

changed. “I’m the one who needs to apologize for the way I acted

in Blevon. It was the worst mistake of my life to treat you the way

I did because I was jealous. When I thought I’d lost you without

your knowing how I really felt . . . it tore me apart.”

“Rylan, I —”

“Just let me get this out,” he said, his arms tightening around

me. “I told you once before, and nothing has changed. I love you,

Alexa. I’ve loved you for years, and I will continue to love you. I

know you don’t feel that way about me. I know you love Damian.”

The pain in his eyes made me want to comfort him, but before I

could respond, he kept going. “I think you made the right decision

about him, though. He’s going to be
king
. I don’t think he realizes yet what that’s going to mean.”

Did everyone know I had rejected Damian? I’d hoped it would

have been something private.

“What I’m trying to say is that I know you love him. But

maybe with time, things will change. Maybe someday, you’ll feel

like you could give me a chance. I’ll always be waiting and hoping

for that day.”

I stared up at him, my stomach in knots. “I can’t do this right

now, Rylan. I’m sorry. I did tell Damian no, but it was the hardest

thing I’ve ever done.”

“I know. I won’t bring it up again. I just wanted you to know.”

He finally dropped his arms and stepped back.

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I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing nerves, my

trembling hands.

“We should go,” Rylan said. “You don’t want to miss the

coronation.”

I looked at him for a moment longer and then nodded. “Okay.

Let’s go.”

317

 forty-seven 

T
he coronation was being held in the grand ballroom.

When Rylan and I walked in, my heart skipped a beat. It was

magnificent. Bowers of f lowers adorned the walls and the beams

high above us, cascading down in brilliant shades of purple, white,

and fuchsia. The chandeliers hanging from the ceiling held thou-

sands of candles that were already lit in preparation for the coming

of night, and the afternoon sun filled the room with golden light.

The ballroom was packed with noblemen and soldiers, women and

children — as many as could fit in the pews that had been set up,

lining both sides of the room. The bright and glittering tones of

jewels and silks mingled with freshly cleaned and pressed cotton.

The aisle down the middle of the room had a thick red carpet

rolled out, leading all the way up to the ornate throne where King

Hector used to sit and watch his lavish parties. Standing next to

the throne was a tall man with olive skin and dark hair liberally

laced with gray. He wore a beautiful crown of gold, inlaid with

diamonds and rubies.

Rylan and I walked forward and bowed to King Osgand of

Blevon. Damian’s great-uncle.

“You are the one who defeated Iker, I believe?” he asked when

I had risen.

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“Yes, Your Majesty,” I replied.

“We all owe you a very large debt of gratitude.” King Osgand’s

eyes were kind, but power exuded from him in a palpable wave. I

wondered if he, too, was a sorcerer, or if this was just what decades of being a king — a
good
king — did to a man.

I bowed to him again, not sure of what to say. And then Rylan

and I moved to join the rest of the guard, who stood in a row to

the right of the throne. On the left side stood a line of men dressed in the colors of Blevon — King Osgand’s guard, I assumed.

As I took my place next to Deron, I remembered that I wasn’t

the only one who had been left scarred by Iker and King Hector.

Deron looked down at me, his eyes still full of sorrow, the scar on

his face a vivid reminder of what he’d been through as well. Next

to Rylan, the rest of the guard stood at attention, but when they

saw me, they nodded or smiled. Every one of them — Deron, Jerrod,

Asher, Mateo — bore the same scars on their faces. I couldn’t believe that the six of us were all who remained of the prince’s guard.

So much loss, so much death.

I stood tall, my hand on the hilt of my sword, and gazed out

across the crowd. Many of them stared at me, whispering to one

another. I wondered what they said — did they speak of my victory

or my scars or my rejection of the king?

Then I caught sight of Kalen in the crowd, gripping her older

brother’s hand yet again, just as she’d done the first time I’d seen

her. Only this time, she was smiling and so was he. And I realized

I didn’t care what the people of Antion were saying — whether

they were judging me or not. This was why we had all sacrificed so

much — to save innocent lives, like hers, from the horrors of King

Hector’s rule.

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Lisbet sat in the front row, with Jax next to her. When I looked

at her, she smiled at me and nodded. I knew what she was think-

ing, and I pulled back my shoulders and stood a little taller.

A trumpet sounded and the crowd instantly went quiet.

“All rise for Damian, king of Antion!”

Everyone stood as one and turned to face the back of the

room. When I saw him standing there, wearing the rich scarlet

robes of the king of Antion, the collar of office ref lecting the sunlight, my heart stopped. He was overwhelmingly beautiful. He

slowly walked forward, his expression composed. But his eyes were

on mine the whole time. My pulse began to race.

When he stood before the throne and King Osgand, he finally

looked away, turning his gaze up to his great-uncle.

“People of Antion,” King Osgand spoke, his deep voice carry-

ing across the ballroom. “This is a remarkable day — a day of

celebration. Today is a day that you will speak of to your children,

and your children will tell their children. It is the day that Antion rises from the dust and blood of her past and steps forward into a

future of peace and prosperity!” He paused as the crowd erupted

into cheers. My heart swelled as I watched Damian standing before

King Osgand.

“You do not know your king yet, not as I know him. But he is

a good man — just and true. He will lead Antion with a firm but

gentle hand. No longer will your women and children live in fear.”