Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (27 page)

He’s careful as he climbs up, his hesitation is palpable and warranted and I’m not sure how to show him that I really do need this. I roll over, facing his side of the bed. “Lay down, please Eric,” I plead and he does, lying down on his back. When he’s settled, I awkwardly move his arm, find a place for mine and I lay down on him, putting my head in the crook of his shoulder and wrapping my other arm around his stomach, holding him to me.
 

His arm wraps around me, comforting me, chasing away the darkness as his hand comes to my back, holding me to him. “I’m not ready to talk about what happened,” I tell him.
 

“I didn’t expect you to be.” His hand rubs along my back, comforting me. The vibration of his voice tickles my ear as I snuggle in to him.
 

I never had a conscious thought about our orgasm. It was never something that I thought about. I’ve had cum on me before, well, my own cum, but still, there was absolutely no way to tell whose was whose, or that I actually saw any of it. The voice came from beyond, like it does often, carrying the tone of that fucked up doctor who drilled all that nonsense into my head. He prattled on and on constantly about how being gay is wrong, it goes against nature and it goes against God. The phrase he used to always refer to being with someone who was gay or had gay tendencies was to call them a whore, because only whores would willingly sleep with people of the same sex.
 

I can’t help but wonder now how that man slept at night, or even how he sleeps today. I suppose it’s easy to do if you’ve managed to convince yourself that what you’re preaching is truth.
 

Though I’d won the lawsuit against him, the money was paid out to a trustee who then pays me, so whether or not the man is alive is irrelevant and after today, I hope he’s dead because if he’s not, there is very little in this world that would stop me from killing him.
 

“Can I ask you something?” Eric asks, interrupting my musings.
 

“Anything.” I shift my head to look at him, his eyes are full of his own unshed tears and I want to wipe them away, but I stay put.
 

“Have you ever considered reprogramming?”
 

I lift my head. “Reprogramming?”
 

He shrugs. “I don’t know what else to call what you’ve been through, behavior training, I don’t know. I was just wondering if you’d ever considered that? Going back into intense therapy to reverse course?”
 

I shake my head. “One of the first doctors I’d had suggested the same thing, but unfortunately, it’s not like a ninety-day rehab. It took them over two years to make me think the way that I do, it would likely take that long or longer to undo the damage that was done. Why do you ask?” By the time I ask that question, my voice is barely above a whisper and full of curiosity more than anything.
 

He sighs. “I just thought that it might help you more because that…” His eyes look away from me, toward the ceiling and he blinks rapidly a few times. “I won’t lie, Cal, that was scary as hell.”
 

I prop myself up on my elbow, looking at him, searching his features for any sign that this is his way of telling me good-bye, his way of telling me that he can’t handle this, but I see none. I feel nothing but concern when his hand slides up and down my back again, his other hand intertwining in mine on his stomach. In a way, I can’t blame him if he wants to run away from me. “It gets easier,” I breathe. “Though I’ve never had a reaction like that before, with women, I’ve had the similar feelings of shame and disgust, feelings that are often washed away by a shower or two. Even still to this day, showering post-sex is a requirement. But I have never broken down like I did.”
 

He looks at me and asks somberly, “What happened?”
 

I look at our joined hands, resting along his stomach. “I felt ashamed of what happened, not between us, but the way I lost it. I was scared that you were going to go running in the opposite direction from me. Then when I realized you weren’t going anywhere, it all came crashing over me. All the hate, all the pain, all the unnecessary reprogramming, as you call it.” I give him a small smile, letting him know that I don’t disagree with his assessment of submersion therapy. “Everything that has ever been pent up inside me poured out of me in waves.”
 

“A cathartic breakdown?” he asks.
 

I nod. “Though I can’t say that it was completely freeing. I feel different now. I feel like I’ve managed to finally break one of the shackles holding me down. That I’ve broken down that barrier inside of me that has prevented me from doing anything remotely close to what we did today. Though there are still several walls that need breaking down, I almost feel as though the first one was obliterated.” I give him a smile before I lay back down, pulling him against me, holding him there. “This, right now, like this, would in no way be possible if I hadn’t lost it in there.”
 

As the words flow from my lips, their conviction settles in my soul and in a metaphoric way, light breaks through the darkness. Beginning to split it into pieces. Pieces that need to shatter, but they are going to take some time. “I just need more time,” I tell him softly.
 

His hand strokes along my back. “I’ve got nowhere else I’d rather be.”

MY stomach growls and Calvin shifts for the first time in a long while. “We should get something to eat,” he says as he sits up.
 

“I don’t have anything in the house. I didn’t buy much, knowing we were leaving again.”
 

He shrugs. “So let’s go out.”
 

I frown. “Are you sure you’re up for that?” I ask. He looks unsure, but nods anyway. “We could order in.” I counter, “Or I can go run and get something.”
 

He smiles then offers, “How about we both go get something and come back here to eat?”
 

I smile too. “I like the sound of that.”
 

He leans down and gives me a gentle, chaste kiss and I can’t help but kiss him back. We haven’t talked for some time since I told him I’ve got nowhere better to be. He seemed to let that statement wash over him and I wonder if he spent the quiet time embracing it.
 

“Any ideas?” I ask him as we both climb off the bed.
 

“Burgers,” he says so matter of fact I wonder if he’d been thinking about it all day.
 

I chuckle as I walk into my closet, looking for a t-shirt to throw on and a pair of jeans. I abandon that idea when I realize the only clothes I have left in here are ones I either wouldn’t be caught dead in or they don’t fit. Remembering that I’d packed everything but what I’d planned on wearing tomorrow. I head back into the bedroom to see Calvin, naked, bending over to put his jeans back on. My steps falter as I stare. Jesus, he’s hot even from this angle. “Enjoying the view?” he teases.
 

“Always.” I smirk as he stands up, bringing his jeans with him and covering my view. “Though the jeans covered view is just as sexy.”
 

My seductive tone brings him up short and I watch as he shakes his head at me, but I get the impression that he’s blushing, and then his shoulders start shaking in silent laughter. Deciding not to dwell on it too much and put him back in a place of panic, I find my own jeans balled up on the floor and I shake them out, tossing them on the bed and then throwing off my sweatpants before really realizing I’ve got a semi going. Crap. I try to get my jeans on quickly, but I catch him watching me. Something about the look in his eyes turns my semi into full-on wood. I sigh as I try to stuff him into my jeans and Calvin laughs. “You laugh, but it’s all your fault,” I tease him and he laughs a little harder.
 

“Glad to know I’m not the only one,” he says through his chuckling.
 

I turn on him, giving him a seductive gaze. “Oh really?”
 

He tries to shrug it off like it’s nothing, but I can see the little playful twinkle in his eye. “I like that you look at me and I like it even more that I turn you on.” His face turns bright red as he blushes through our banter. I don’t approach him any further. He’s been through enough for one day. Though there is a sadness that creeps over me knowing that our exploits are more than likely limited to once a day. I will take what I can get. I give him a shake of my hips as I reach for my shirt. His face goes redder still and I can’t help but smile.
 

Once my shirt is on, I look at him and demand, “Come here, you.” He wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tight, and I return the gesture, holding him to me as if my life depends on it. I stroke my hand through his hair, reminding me that I need to brush mine, but not wanting to move.
 

“I’m so sorry,” he breathes into my chest.

I grab his shoulders, pushing him back from me just enough that I can get him to look at me. “Sorry for what?” I say softly.
 

“What happened earlier.”
 

I sigh. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Cal, nothing at all. It’s a part of who you are and aside from wiping those thoughts from your head, I wouldn’t change a single thing about what happened. I know that wasn’t you. I know it wasn’t who you really are. I know that it is a programmed part of you and it is one that I cannot wait to reprogram. But I will never, ever, let you feel sorry for things like that. You have nothing to be sorry for.” By the time I’m done with my speech, my voice cracks with the emotion I feel looking at the fear in his eyes.
 

“I wish I could just turn it off, that it would just go away,” he says angrily.

I smile at him and reply, “That is what you’re doing now. You obviously want that part of you gone so bad it is tearing you up inside.”
 

“I’ve never had a reason to want that part of me gone, not until now.”
 

“Then let that be your motivation. Let that be the part of you that wins over your darkness. Calvin, look at what you’ve accomplished in a week’s time. A week ago, you would never have been able to do what you did today.”
 

“But then I spoiled it by freaking out.”
 

“So what?” I ask, “So what if you freaked out when it was over. Calvin, do you have any idea how many times I’ve regretted an orgasm with someone? It’s like buyer’s remorse and for most men, myself included, once we orgasm, our brains start working again and the rose colored glasses come off. It happens to all of us, just in your case, you can’t control how you will react when the bliss fades.”
 

He gives me a half sob, half whine, half laugh. “But my bliss wasn’t over yet.”
 

He leans into me and I can’t help but chuckle. He was so fucking cute with his statement that it warmed my heart. I can feel him laughing too. “Well, if you’d prefer, you can have the spare bedroom tonight, the door locks,” I tease him and he pulls back, socking me in the shoulder.
 

“Fuck that, I want to sleep with you.” There is a smile on his face so wide that I swear it spreads from ear to ear.
 

My heart swells at that idea and I smile back. “I’d like that very much.”

He leans up, tilting his head back in invitation and I lean down, kissing him gently. I’m already hard, still, I don’t need to go getting him all worked up again. Him, as in my dick.
 

When Calvin pulls back I offer, “I have an idea for dinner. If you’re up to it.”
 

He shrugs, “Fire away.”
 

“There’s a great bar and grill near the beach, on the beach actually. It’s always really quiet during the week. I go there often enough that no one bothers me while I’m there. Afterward, if you’re feeling up to it, we can take a walk on the beach.”
 

He smiles. “I like that idea.”
 

“Good, then let’s go,” I tell him.
 

We finish with our shoes and head out the door and down to our cars. “Uh, my car is full of my stuff, can we take yours?” he asks.