Defining Moments (5 page)

I turn to look at Eli who has been really quiet since this entire thing went down. “Eli, you okay, son?” I ask him.

He nods, before replying, “I knew something was up, and I had a feeling it was the ‘we’re getting divorced’ talk, but I was pretty blindsided by the baby and remarried thing.”

My heart drops into my toes. Jesus. Did he just say remarried? I must not hide my surprise well because Eli’s face turns red, and then he bites out, “He didn’t tell you about marrying her, did he?”

I smile at him and shake my head. “No, buddy, he didn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me even a little. They are having a baby together and Justin is still old-fashioned. He’ll want to marry her before the baby is born.”

And it dawns on me that maybe that’s why he married me. I was pregnant with the twins when he asked me, but we’d already been together for a while, so I had always assumed we got married because we were in love. I’d never thought for a second, until now, that Justin married me just because I was pregnant.

“Now enough about how I’m doing. Are you guys okay? I know the divorce part might not have been a big surprise, but I know the baby and new stepmom was,” I ask, looking at their faces.

“To say we’re pissed is an understatement, Ma,” Eli grinds out.

“Eli told him to go fuck himself and we all stormed out,” Destry cringes as he says it.

“Damn it, Dez. Watch the language,” I retort. “And, Eli, I understand everyone is upset about this, but you can’t talk to your dad that way.” It’s almost painful for me to stick up for the bastard in any way when I really want to throw his ass under the bus.

“Sorry, Ma,” Destry responds.

“I know this is a lot to take in and we all have a lot of healing to do, but please remember your dad and I love you boys more than anything in the world. Just because your dad and I aren’t together doesn’t mean it changes our relationship with you boys,” I tell them truthfully.

The boys and I chat for a little while longer, about the changes that are happening over the next few months. None of them are happy that I’ve decided to give up the house and the twins are adamant that they will find an apartment before I move out because they refuse to live with their dad and Julia. I keep trying to tell them we don’t even know if they’ll live here or put it on the market to sell it, but they are absolutely positive they do not want to live here once I’m gone, regardless of the house’s fate.

After a while, we are all worn out from the day’s events. “I’m exhausted, Ma. Do you mind if I head off to bed?” Ben asks quietly, and I can see in his eyes that he needs time alone to comprehend all the stuff that happened tonight.

“I think it’s a good idea that we all turn in early. It’s been one hell of a day.” I smile at them lovingly.

“Love you, Mama,” they reply, all getting up to head to bed.

After I hear the boys settle in upstairs, I go into the kitchen, pour myself a hefty glass of wine, and then return to the living room, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch to snuggle into.

To say that this day was exhausting is a huge understatement. As much as Justin’s decisions break my heart, I’ve had six months to come to terms with us being apart. I don’t think the boys really thought it was the end of our marriage until tonight. Knowing the pain they are in is killing me.

I lounge on the couch, thinking of all our family has been through over the years and realize that no amount of wine will dull the pain I am feeling over the loss of it all. Am I going to be okay? Absolutely. Does it still hurt? Hell yes. I’d given Justin the best years of my life, and what did I get in return? An “I’m sorry to hurt you, but you’re not enough for me anymore” excuse.

Just as I finish off my wine and lay back on the couch, my phone chimes. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s after 10 p.m.

Justin: Did you find the boys?

Me: Yes, they’re pissed but home.

Justin: Thanks for updating me. I’ve been worried.

Me: Once again, YOU are no longer my concern. The boys are safe and sound in their beds. Now stop texting me.

Justin: I’m sorry. Are you okay?

Me: I don’t know why you feel like you have ANY right to know how I’m doing, Justin. What if I said I was falling apart without you and didn’t know if I could go on with life because you were IT for me? Would that make a difference?

Justin: Don’t do this, Ellie.

Me: Then stop asking. I’m just fine. Don’t text me again unless it’s an emergency that has to do with the boys.

Justin: I really am sorry.

Me: Yes, you are.

And with that, I turn my phone off. The boys are home, so I don’t need to worry about missing something from them. They’re safe and sound in their rooms.

I shut the lights off in the living room and wrap myself into the fuzzy couch blanket. I don’t even care that I didn’t brush my teeth. Right now, I just want to sleep.

THE NEXT SIX WEEKS
fly by. Justin has his attorney send me the divorce papers, which are all wrong. He tried to give me the house in the initial paperwork, along with alimony. Sitting down at the bar in the kitchen, I tally up what the expenses will be for me to pay for an apartment’s rent and utilities for three months, plus a little extra to buy a few pieces of furniture and some other “new place” necessities. I send the divorce papers back to his attorney, unsigned with the changes I want. He gets basically everything, and all the debt that goes with it. All I want is the amount I tallied to get on my feet and my seven-year-old Ford Explorer that’s paid off. That’s it.

Justin tries to text me and call me often, leaving me voicemails about how he feels horrible that I am not taking anything he’s willing to give. I ignore it all. I don’t want or need anything else from him.

The boys and I argue about it because I’m not hiding anything from them when it comes to this divorce. I need them to know I am going to be just fine on my own two feet. They are still not talking to their dad, and the fact that I am basically refusing almost any help from him pisses them off even more. I just can’t deal with Justin anymore. Destry even traded in his motorcycle on a used car because he said he didn’t want anything that made him feel like he owed Justin something.

It didn’t dawn on me until the day he and Julia showed up on my doorstep how pathetic I feel about the course my life has taken. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing about marrying Justin and having my boys. They are what makes my life have purpose. But the fact that I couldn’t see what was happening to my marriage right in front of my face is devastating. It was definitely a life lesson learned though . . . a defining moment.

I’d always known there were people out there who are skeptical about the whole “forever” thing, but I really, truly, had thought Justin and I would be together forever. I thought we were on the same page when it came to pushing through the rough spots and loving each other through it all. Until the morning in the kitchen when he’d told me he didn’t love me anymore, I’d always felt our love for each other could survive anything.

I’d been a complete fool. Because no matter how much you love someone, shit happens. People fall out of love. People fall into lust. People realize they have nothing in common and move on. I was just the idiot who didn’t see it until I was slapped in the face with it. I was the idiot who thought love and marriage meant forever. I mean, hell, I’d dedicated twenty-one of my almost thirty-nine years of life to one man. The only man I’ve ever loved. The man who gave me three beautiful sons. The man who promised me forever. If we couldn’t make it work, nobody could.

Since we were amicable on the divorce paperwork, it was final after only a few short weeks. I was officially a divorcee.

It was in the first couple of weeks after the actual divorce was complete that I came to the gut-wrenching realization that forever love was just a figment of our imagination. Marriage/Love was a guise for what we all were really feeling; it was the lust, loneliness, and desire for companionship we craved that made us think we were in love.

Yep, I’d become that woman. The one who’d had her heart ripped out by a man she’d given her entire heart and life too. I’d become a woman bound and determined to never need another man for the rest of her life.

It’s weird how fast things can change when the heart is involved.

A MONTH AFTER THE
divorce was final, Destry graduated from high school. I’ve become numb to seeing Julia and Justin together now. I’ve done everything in my power to help the boys rebuild their relationship with Justin after the blowup. I didn’t want them to lose that. They need their dad, and as much as it burns my ass to admit, he really is a very good, loving father to them. The hardest part has been that they don’t like Julia at all and are having a hard time accepting she will be their stepmother in a few months. They don’t appreciate her meddling in their business, and I can’t say that I blame them.

Along with all the other reasons, it also drives them crazy that she is always hanging on Justin like a cheap accessory. I can tell the obnoxious amount of affection she is hell-bent on displaying makes him uncomfortable too. I’m about 99.9 percent sure the display is being put on for me. I will never understand why though. He chose her. I get it. I have enjoyed the times Claire has been around when Justin and Julia show up. She refers to them as the J&J Show. She has no filter, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit I get a sick satisfaction out of watching her interact with them.

Today, in a last ditch effort to restore their relationship, Justin is helping Destry pack up and driving with him to Boise. We went back and forth for several weeks because he was almost insistent on giving up his scholarship to stay home and go to school here with the twins.

I absolutely refused to let him change his plans. He’d been so excited to go to BSU and play ball for them, and I wasn’t going to let him make a rash decision because he was worried about me being alone. I reminded him daily how proud I was of him for taking such a big step and following his dreams.

When Justin gets into his truck, with all my baby’s college stuff strapped down in the back, I know it’s time for them to go and I’m not sure I can keep from breaking down. Destry walks toward me quickly, not stopping until he has me in his arms, squeezing the life out of me.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay, Mama?” he chokes out.

“Destry, put me down, baby,” I say to him gently. He sets me down on my feet but doesn’t look at my face.

“I am so damn proud of you, sweetie. I know it’s going to be hard for both of us transitioning into our new lives, but you remember I am always just a phone call away if you need me. You will be fine. I will be fine.” My voice breaks at the end and his eyes lift to find mine.

“I love you, Mama. You have to promise me you will tell me if you want me to come home. I will in a heartbeat. I can play ball here, if you need me,” he says, trying hard to make his voice strong.

“I am going to be just fine, Destry. I will probably drive you crazy with the texts and phone calls the first few weeks while I adjust to not being able to see you every day,” I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

“Promise me, Mama. Promise me you’ll call me if you need me,” he says sternly.

“I promise, baby,” I smile up at his handsome face. Jesus, I’m going to miss this kid. I kiss his cheek and once again he pulls me up into a rib-crushing hug.

“Smack Ben and Eli for me once in a while.” He smirks at them over my shoulder and chuckles. I nod, because trying to talk again is going to just make me cry.

He kisses my head, before turning to hug his brothers quickly. They are going to miss each other so much, but they are all acting “manly” and just give each other quick guy hugs before Ben and Eli tuck tail and walk back into the house.

Destry kisses my head one more time and starts toward his car.

“What, no hug for me?” I hear come from behind me, and I cringe inside knowing Destry is not going to hug her. I just hope he remembers his manners.