DEFIANT (A WESTERN BAD BOY ROMANCE) (13 page)

I
threw up yesterday
. I'm dreading it happening again.

"Please excuse me for a second." I look around at all the serious faces at the Seven Group’s conference room table and smile as warmly as I can. Clif and Vince glance at me with slightly bewildered expressions.

By the time I make it to the bathroom down the hall the room is spinning. Then I'm grabbing the sides of the stall while puking in the toilet. The only thing I can think of is Clif. We only used a condom half the time. Sure, he pulled out, but...I can’t help but wonder.

I only have three more days in Jackson. Six weeks has passed. It’s possible…

But no. It's probably not a big deal. I'm know I'm probably sick, not pregnant. Sure, we should have used a condom, but we were so caught up in the moment that….oh well. I wish I didn’t cease taking my birth control when Noah pulled the plug. I wish I didn’t leave it at home.

The room finally stops spinning. A slight suspicion has been poking me for a few days now, so I purchased a home pregnancy test kit. It’s in my purse in my office. I should use it. It’ll put my mind at ease.

I grimly wash my hands and walk back down the hall to my office. I can't believe how nervous I am. Jesus Christ...if I am? How could I be so stupid? In terms of all the reckless things I’ve done in life, this would really take the cake, especially at this tenuous moment of my life.

Five minutes later I'm back in the stall, staring at the test.

Oh.

Shit.

How could I possibly be so foolish? This changes everything. I'm not ready for it, my dad's in the fucking hospital. Oh my God! I think it's over with Noah, but I don't know. And I'm already too involved with Clif.

This is absolutely the last thing I need.

I can't do this! I put my face in my hands and start to cry, I don’t even bother trying to hold it back.

I'm so caught up I don't even notice the person in the next stall until she tears off a section of toilet paper. I only know I'm not alone because I happen to notice someone's feet under the divider. Wacky purple cowboy boots.

Pulling myself together, I wipe my eyes, straighten my clothing, and return to the meeting.

I
was hiding
in the bathroom when it happened.

I snuck into the Seven Group’s headquarters to snoop around Clif's office. Their little bimbo of a secretary always has Mondays off, so it is easy to creep in when there is no one manning the front desk. I know I should not be doing this, but my spirit keeps urging me onward. I should have gone to hot yoga or attended an Ayurvedic detox session, but it is hard to stay away from the man The Devine Consciousness has destined you to be with.

As I passed through the main entrance, I heard a door down the hall click open. I quickly jumped into the bathroom near the reception area and hid myself in a stall. A moment later someone came into the stall next to mine. My only option was to silently wait it out. I do not want anyone to find me, especially not their new consultant or whatever she is...the chunky little blonde who Clif
fucking proposed to
.

I will find a way to ruin her life. If it is the last thing I do.

I have got all the time in the world, all the money I need. And I am going to make sure she does not get him.
Clif is mine!
He has been mine all along since that passionate night when we first met four years, five months, and twelve days ago. It was only a few months later during a dream when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were meant to be together! In my dream we were walking through a meadow high up in the mountains somewhere, and we were married and I had a child in my arms.
Our child
.

When I ran into him exactly one week later on a ski vacation, I knew our relationship wasn’t a simple fluke.

Clif has to understand where I am coming from. I will make him understand. The problem is he does not—at least not yet. He does not return my calls, he does not talk to me. And I know if I just show up unannounced he will flip. He is a stubborn one, but he is a Leo after all.

The other major problem is that he is unable to fathom destiny, even when it slaps him in the face. Everything about us is in alignment: our chakras, our signs, even our manifestations. I can
feel
it, whenever I am around him. And I have never felt it with anybody else. What is more, I can tell he is a frightened little boy. Scared of commitment, scared there might be someone for him he cannot push away.

Unfortunately, I do not think he remembered me the night we became one.

But I remembered him all along, and afterward I was just waiting for the right moment, so I could break the news.
And then,
this little blonde slut had to get in my way. She is obviously some kind of home wrecker, high-powered businesswoman, totally used to having things her way. She can make all the dirty money she wants and oppress the poor, but there is no way she is getting in the way of me and my soul mate—Devine Intelligence has conscripted our love into law.

I hear the stall next door swing open, and I take a peek through the crack.

Oh the Heaven’s have spoken: it is her!

Why was she
crying?
I bet Clif found a way to hurt her or push her away. I would not put it above him, even if they are engaged. Oh how Fate works in mysterious ways! I wait as she blows her nose and touches up her makeup, then leaves. Something falls into the trashcan with a loud ‘thud’ on her way out.

I can't help looking in the trash, on my way out. Is that a
fucking
pregnancy test?
Oh my fucking God, it is!
And it is positive!

Breathe, Taylor, breathe. Engage your Mula Bandha. For a moment I almost scream out loud. But then I remember to close my eyes and channel my energy inwards. I picture the ocean in an attempt to calm myself, as I am apt to do when I am about to fly off the handle. I remind myself to take my yoga off the mat and into the world with me. Yes. Now another deep breath.

And then, halleluiah, an epiphany strikes me! I grab the test and put it in my purse. That little girl is going to get it. The stars have demanded blood.

And I'll get my soul mate. Clif will come around. I will see to that. Even if I have to kill Katie and her baby in the process.

I
kiss her again
, pulling her body towards mine. We've been in bed for hours, and both our lips are chapped.

I'll remember this day for the rest of my life.

I come on to her again, kissing her neck, teasing her until I know she can't say no. I don't care if it's not serious. Every second we're together feels right. Even if it was never meant to be, it was meant to be right now.

"I thought I was a sex addict—and then I met you."

Katie giggles and pushes a hand against my chest. "Shut up."

We do it again, and then I'm just lying there quietly with my girl. I get up after a minute and ask her if she wants water. I'm dying from thirst.

She nods yes, and a short while later I return with a tall, cold glass of water and a glass of whiskey on the rocks. I hold the water for her as she drinks.

"Whiskey?"

She shakes her head awkwardly. "Uh, no."

"Mm, baby,” I sigh. “I'm getting used to having you around." I take a sip of whiskey and put it on the nightstand.

She stretches out on the bed and I nuzzle in close. I run my fingers down her side, up her spine, watch her draw her breath in. She asks, "Why do you always do that?"

I shrug. I really haven’t a clue.

I want to tell her I love her.

But I don't. The moment passes by. I've got to tell her sometime, when it feels right.

What if I really don't deserve her? And what kind of life would we have, anyway? We're so different. I'm afraid I'll push her away. I'm so good at pushing women away, it's like I don't even have to try. This is all so new to me. What am I supposed to do?

I wish I had time to figure it out, but she's leaving this week. If I want her to stick around, I'll have to make a move. I'd have done it already if I wasn't so scared of fucking it up.

She sits up and runs a hand through her hair. She takes out her phone, checks something. For a moment she seems preoccupied.

"Something wrong?"

"No."

Shit, is she having second thoughts about me? She's such a better person than I am, so out of my league, that it's constantly on my mind. Would she even be sleeping with me if she wasn't leaving so soon? Is someone else on her mind? Noah?

Ten minutes later she's standing in the bathroom doorway, brushing her teeth. I observe her as I get up and prepare for bed. It just feels too right being with her.

Jesus Christ I make myself sick. Stop being a pussy, Clif. Cowboy up.

I'll tell her tomorrow.

I
'll tell him tonight
.

I sit back in my office chair and push away from the desk. Things are going well with Clif. The more I get to know to know him, the more I know he's a good man.

And he'll make a good father.

I have to trust my feelings about him. I can't let his reputation in an insular little mountain town get in the way of my judgment. I've only lived here a few weeks but I can already tell that everyone in Jackson is up in everyone else's shit. Sure, his womanizing exploits are all over the Internet, but what does it matter? He’s just doing what any good-looking, successful guy in his twenties would do.

Besides, his persona isn't the Clif I know.

He's never treated me poorly. Not even that first night. And he's been honest to a fault, even when the truth wasn't pretty. No one else had the balls (or insight) to tell me Noah was hiding something.

I owe him the same in return. I have to tell him the truth. That I'm pregnant. We've been a thing for almost six weeks now…geez my time here as gone by quickly.

Maybe we can make this work. No. We have to. For the baby. For
our baby
.

I've made up my mind. After a minute, I turn back to my work. I'm almost done here. Caddis Flats is going to be approved—all I have left to do is tie up loose ends. I want to leave on a positive note, lay the groundwork for my future.

The phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi." It's a woman. A quiet, breathy voice that I don't immediately recognize.

"Hello. Who is this?"

"It's Coralie. Remember?"

Oh I remember her all right, a real nut case if there ever was one. Wanting to sound positive and upbeat I chirp, "Coralie! Sure. How are you?"

"I'm...I'm not doing good."

"What's wrong?" Why the hell is she calling me.

She takes a moment to answer. "I'm pregnant with Clif's baby. I thought you should know, because you're seeing him." I hear her begin to sob. “
I just thought you should know.
"

Immediately my heart cracks in two. I can't believe it.

"
I'm so scared, and I'm so disappointed that it's his. I know he won't make a good father. I know he won't even be there...
"

I’m speechless.

"
He won't even see me. I call and call and he never answers. I have to go. I'm sorry I had to tell you. I'm so sorry...
"

And just like that, the phone is dead. I'm sick to my stomach.

I think I’m going to faint.

Is he going to do the same thing to me when he gets bored? Just up and leave when his torrid infatuation simmers down?

Not only did he get another woman pregnant, but we didn't exactly plan for this one either. Things got out of control, sure, and I’m as much at fault as he is. I don't want to think about him leaving. Or what if he changes his mind, the second he realizes I'm knocked up? What if he's really that scared of commitment. He could be. Clif has issues, no doubt, and maybe he can't handle the news. Or maybe not yet. I feel like crying. I thought I was done with doubting.

I was ready to trust him.

I was ready to love him.

But I'm not a child like Coralie. I swallow my doubts and turn back to my spreadsheet. I guess telling Clif I love him will have to wait.

I
slip
into Katie's office and close the door behind me. I've got a stack of papers in my arms that we need to review, which makes me happy because I like simply being near to her. Who ever thought going to work could be so enjoyable?

Katie looks up and turns back to her computer. "Hey," is all she says.

"I've got the environmental impact statement for us to go over. And another report from the hydrologist. Do you mind going over it with me?

"Do we have to do it now? I'm expecting a call."

I set the papers down, puzzled. Katie's seems suddenly…different. Or should I say ‘distant’? Her eyes usually light up whenever I come in. Hell, half the time we end up fooling around. What's up with her today? Her poor father is probably weighing on her. Poor thing.

On second thought, she did mention that Noah called earlier this morning. Is that why she's acting so cold? Is she thinking about getting back together with that asshole?

I shouldn't have opened up to her. She probably thinks I'm too damaged to ever make a good partner. Now her contract is basically up and she's putting on the brakes.

Goddamnit! And I've tried so hard, too.

Maybe it's not enough. Or maybe it's obvious to her that I’m simply not relationship material. Or maybe I'm too big a risk. I have so many misgivings about myself that I can't tell what’s real about me and what’s not.

"We can do this later, if you want."

"That's fine."

I close the door behind me. What if it's over already?