Defensive Instinct (Survival Instinct Book 4) (22 page)

When the day was done, and the workers had all dragged their weary bodies back inside, Riley debated whether she should go find her doctors first, or sit down with her daughter. Both options were extremely unappealing. Her feet made the decision for her, carrying her to the medical centre as opposed to Abby’s for dinner. She realized that the doctors she wanted were most likely eating their own dinners right now, but maybe one of them was still on duty, as there was always at least one person at the ready, usually more.

Riley lingered outside the doorway. There was no turning back from her decision. Freya had already left, gone to assess the damage at the container yard and to bring Cameron back with her. With every person who was told, it became more real. Cameron would know that Riley would have no other choice than the one she was taking. The doctors as well. Right now, it felt like she had options, but once she opened her mouth, they were gone. It was a trick of the mind, causing her to hesitate. There were no other options. If she said no to the surgery, the cancer would spread, and she would die a slow and painful death, a drain on the resources meant for those who would survive. That, or a quick bullet to the head.

Suicide was not an option, not with Hope around. After the Diana sank, Riley had seriously considered it. Her husband was dead and she was just so exhausted. She was tired of running, of fighting, of losing people. But in the end, she couldn’t do that to her daughter. Hope had just lost her dad, not to mention her Uncle Alec, right after her first funeral for her friend’s dog, Shoes.

Riley wished Milly were still around. Her three-legged husky had died about a year and a half ago. It wasn’t anything traumatic that had taken the dog, just the wear and tear of old age.

Maybe I should get another pet
, Riley thought as she stood in the empty hallway. Milly had really helped her with her depression. She would never tell Cameron, but it was more the dog than her sister or her daughter that got her back to even ground. Although Hope prevented her from killing herself, it was Milly for whom she got out of bed, to walk, and feed, and throw a ball so that she got proper exercise, watching her act just like all the other dogs, as if she weren’t missing a limb. That’s what it had felt like to lose Mathias: it had felt like losing a limb.

Her thoughts about getting a new pet led to Cameron. She always knew which animals were pregnant and expecting. Riley would probably want a dog again, but she’d ask Hope what she would like. Maybe they could get two: a dog and a goat, or something unusual like that.

Of course thinking about talking to Cameron reminded her what her next conversation with her twin would be about. Riley wondered if Dakota or even Brunt might come with her. Dakota had been family for the past several years, and it was looking strongly like Brunt was going be sometime soon. Too bad Danny was out scavenging somewhere. It would have been nice to have him nearby, his face so similar to his brother’s.

“Riley?”

Riley startled, so deep within herself she hadn’t noticed Dr. Haily Guiles begin exiting the medical centre, only to pause in the doorway, a look of concern on her face.

“Are you all right?” she asked, unsure if she should step closer or not. They had worked together since before the Day, both of them residents of the same ER. She had been a student in the year between Riley and Josh. Riley had watched her develop her skills over the years, skills that were already sharp to begin with.

“No.” Riley hadn’t meant to tell the truth, but it was the first thing her stormy mind was able to get out of her mouth. The admission threatened more tears, and Riley hated herself for it. She didn’t want to cry, not in front of someone she had helped train, not in front of someone who had always seen her as a leader and advisor.

“Come in, tell me what’s wrong.” Haily was gentle and understanding, not touching Riley, but simply stepping out of her way to let her pass.

They moved through the thankfully empty waiting room into a small, office-like space. Both female doctors ignored the one tiny chair to lean side-by-side on the edge of the desk.

“Do you need me to get someone? Abby, Josh, Robin?” Haily asked after a moment of Riley saying nothing.

“Yes. No. Later,” Riley shook her head, an attempt to rattle free what she had to say. “Can you tell Josh and Robin after I tell you?”

“Of course. What’s this about?”

“I have cancer.”

Riley expected a gasp of surprise, a pitying look, confusion. She did not expect the sagely nod, as if Haily had already known. Had Freya told her?

“What kind? How far along?” she asked. Freya hadn’t told her then.

“Breast, and early stages. There’s a lump here,” Riley pointed to the offender within her body.

“And you want a mastectomy.” Haily didn’t ask.

“A double mastectomy, to be sure.”

Haily nodded again. “I understand. I’m assuming you want me, Josh, and Robin to do the surgery?”

Riley nodded. She liked how straight forward Haily was being, not asking questions about how she was feeling, or coping, or whatever. It let Riley slip into her own doctor’s mentality, to speak as if they were talking about some other patient that wasn’t her.

“Yes.”

“We should bring Dr. Lewis on board.”

“I don’t know him that well.”

“Yes, but he’s the best surgeon we have. He’s done this exact operation before.”

When the Leighton hospital had been evacuated, it was mostly the ER doctors who had escaped owing to their proximity to the evacuation point. Dr. Lewis wasn’t the only surgeon to be evacuated, but he was the only one who then survived long enough to be mentioned now. Riley had worked with him only a few times, most of their shifts set at opposing hours. One of those times they worked together, however, was when Rose was brought in missing a hand. Riley had gone in early while Lewis stayed late, all hands on deck to save Rose’s life.

“Yeah. Okay. He can help,” Riley agreed.

“How many other people know right now?”

“You, me, and Freya.”

“That’s it?”

“Freya only knows because I got her to help me run the tests. She’s on her way to the container yard right now to tell my sister. After this, I plan to have a sit down with Hope.”

“You should tell your friends, Abby and Lauren, and the others at the container yard. I’m sure they’d like to know.”

Riley shook her head. “I don’t want more people than necessary worrying about me. They can find out after it’s done and I’m okay.”

“All right, that’s your choice I guess. You should talk to Brittany. She’s been through this procedure and can tell you what to expect from a patient’s perspective.”

Brittany, who had become a general counsellor and type of manager at the Black Box, had survived two forms of cancer before the Day. She had also had a double mastectomy, but the difference was that she had been in a proper hospital, fully equipped, and had been able to get implants later. Riley would have a flat chest forever afterward. She had never really cared before, never thought of herself as womanly or sexy, or whatever, but it was strange now to know that her breasts would be gone. They were the most outwardly female aspect about her.

“Maybe,” she lied to Haily about talking to Brittany. She definitely wasn’t going to say a word to the woman. When Riley had been depressed, Cameron had brought her in. The two women were very different from one another and saw eye to eye on nothing. Her good-natured attempts at bringing Riley out of her funk ended up with Riley screaming at her. They hadn’t spoken since, and Riley had no intention of ending that silence.

“All right, well, the others are most likely having dinner right now, but I can find them afterward. Where did you leave your test results?”

“I hid them across the hall.” Riley led Haily back out of the little office. They crossed the hall into the lab, and Riley retrieved all her test data from the back of a dusty cupboard, behind oddly shaped beakers for which no one had discovered a use and then forgotten.

Haily kept nodding to herself as she looked over the data, coming to the same conclusions as Riley.

“I’ll show this file to the others, but we may need to perform some of the tests again.”

Riley watched as Haily unconsciously wrapped one of her arms just beneath her breasts, her other hand still flipping back and forth through the test results.

“We should head to dinner,” she said suddenly, closing the folder. “I assume you’re staying with Lauren and Abby as you usually do? They’ll be wondering where you are.”

“You’re right.” Riley knew that, but at the same time wasn’t sure she could face them just yet. Unfortunately, she couldn’t stall any longer, as Haily also needed to go to dinner.

“When do you want it scheduled?” Haily asked as they both stepped out into the hallway.

“Freya only said she’d be back tomorrow, not when. I’d like to do it as close to when my sister arrives as possible.”

“Then hopefully our load is light tomorrow. I’ll go over your findings with the others tonight, and in the early morning we can run any other needed tests. You sure you can handle not eating for that long? What if they’re late?”

“I want my sister here when you operate.”

Haily nodded, maybe understanding, maybe not. Riley was always considering worst-case scenarios, which frequently meant death. If she died on the operating table, she wanted Cameron to be here for Hope.

As Riley trudged to Abby’s apartment, she thought of Hope and what to say to her. What words should she use to tell her ten year old? She didn’t want Hope to worry too much, but she didn’t want her to be unaware of the dangers either. How to inform her, without scaring her?

“Riley, there you are,” Abby called out, standing up from the table as she entered the apartment.

“Sorry, I had to help someone out.” A lame, vague excuse, but one that would work.

“I hope you don’t mind that we started without you.” Abby gestured to the food on the table as she sat back down.

Riley made her way over, and took the empty seat. The food was still warm; clearly they hadn’t been waiting long. “It’s no problem.”

“Mom, look what I did to my hand today.” Hope thrust her fingers in Riley’s face.

“How’d you do that? Splinter?”

“Yup.” Hope took her hand back and stared at the small groove in her flesh. She used to whine and freak out over such injuries, but had since grown to find them fascinating, a mark of pride even. To her, small wounds were proof that she had been working hard or had been doing something fun.

“What about you, Peter? Any splinters over there?” Riley asked, trying not to think about what was to come.

Peter shook his head.

“He got a big bruise on his knee though,” Hope crowed for him. “Show it to my mom.”

“Legs stay under the table, please.” Lauren directed her gaze at Hope as opposed to Peter, knowing the quiet kid had no intention of lifting his leg up to show Riley his bruise.

Dinner continued on in this manner, with Hope narrating her and Peter’s entire day. Claire wasn’t there tonight, eating with one of her friends, and none of the parents had anything to discuss, so Hope was allowed to ramble on, Riley frequently having to remind her to take a bite of her food.

Once the meal was over, the dishes cleaned and put away, Riley knew it was time.

“Hope, can I speak to you for a minute?”

Her daughter got this look like she had done something wrong but couldn’t figure out what.

“You’re not in trouble, sweetheart.”

Abby was giving Riley a questioning look as she took Hope into the privacy of Claire’s room, but Riley offered her no explanation.

“What’s wrong?” Hope asked the moment the door was closed, her voice shaking a little. Maybe she was thinking like her mother, coming up with the worst-case scenario.

“We’re going to have to stay here a few more days,” Riley started with, sitting down on the edge of Claire’s bed. “Is that all right?”

“Why? Did something happen back home? Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone back home is fine, you don’t need to worry about them. Can you sit here with me?”

Hope hesitated, her body standing on nervous energy, but she managed to walk over and unlock her knees to plop down beside her mother.

“Do you know what cancer is?”

“It’s a thing that kills people. Is it Mr. Bill? Does he have cancer?”

“It doesn’t always kill people, some are lucky.”

“Does Mr. Bill have cancer?”

“Yes, but he’s not who I want to talk about.” This conversation was getting away from Riley.

“Is he a lucky one?” Hope’s voice was tight.

“I’m sorry, sweet pea, but he’s not.” Riley found herself comforting her daughter about Bill’s cancer, when she was supposed to be talking about her own.

“How long? Can I go see him?”

“He still has quite a bit of time left, don’t you worry, his case is a slow one. He’ll be coming back to the container yard with us, and he’ll have lots of time to tell you more stories.”

Hope didn’t cry, her eyes remained dry, but her face had this funny sort of tightness to it. Like she was upset and thought she shouldn’t be, or she wasn’t really upset and thought she should be.