Defensive (15 page)

“I didn’t know he was back here.”

“Yeah, it’s really recent, though,” I told him as I popped my can of Coke open.

We watched the movie in silence except when one of us would say a funny line before it was said on the screen. It was nice having someone to hang out with and I loved that he was still being the old Shane. The Shane I’d grown up with and dated.

“So, how’s recovery going?” I asked after the movie ended.

He exhaled, slowly. “It’s going really well. I go to meetings every week and I talk to my sponsor a lot. I’m not going to lie. I’ve wanted to use a couple of times, but so far, I haven’t.”

“I’m really happy for you. I love this Shane so much better than the one who’s been hanging around for the last few years.”

“Thanks. Me, too.” He took a drink from his Coke. “Hey, I have an idea.”

“What?” I asked.

“Do you remember how we used to go bowling all the time?”

I smiled at the memory. “Yeah, it was you and me against Amanda and whatever guy she was dating that week. Those were fun times.”

“How about next Friday we go bowling? It could be fun.”

I thought about it for a minute. Tonight had been really fun. “That sounds like a great idea.”

A couple of days later, I met up with Amanda at a local deli. I still wasn’t feeling very hungry but I picked at my food so she wouldn’t worry.

“How are you feeling?” she asked in a way that made me feel like she thought I was fragile.

“I’m doing okay. Shane came over the other night and we watched
Joe Dirt
.”

She stopped, holding her sandwich in front of her mouth. “V, did you just say that you hung out with Shane?”

“Yeah. It was nice. It was like hanging out with the Shane we grew up with. We’re actually going bowling Friday night if you want to come.”

“I don’t really want to hang out with him, but I don’t think you should be alone with him. He’s an asshole.”

I sipped on my drink for a minute before I answered her. “I hung out with him the entire night the other day and it was fine. I’m a big girl. You don’t have to babysit me.”

“I’m not babysitting you. I’m just scared that he’s going to take advantage of you, because you’re down over your breakup with Jackson.”

“I really don’t think he is,” I told her, “but I can take care of myself. If he starts acting like an asshole again, I’ll leave. I really believe him about the drugs and everything.” I hadn’t completely forgiven him, but I believed him and I wanted to give him a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. And I needed a friend besides Amanda.

She gave me a sympathetic sigh. “I hope you’re right. I miss the old Shane, too. He was one of my best friends until he ripped my other best friend’s heart out and stomped on it.”

“I know you’re worried, but I promise it’ll be okay. I’m not married to him now so I can walk away at any moment.”

I had just gotten a strike and walked back to where Shane was sitting. “Beat that, sucka!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself there. I’ve still got game.”

I watched as he picked his ball up and sauntered toward the lane. I waited until he was ready before I let out a string of coughs. I looked up to see him watching me, amused. “Did it work?” he asked, pointing behind him.

I took a look but, of course, he had gotten a strike. “Damn it!” I said as he walked back to me.

“This was a lot more fun when we were on the same team and could be mean to Amanda and her date.”

“I know. She always sucked and so did her dates,” I said, laughing.

“Do you remember that guy who threw the ball backwards and almost took us out?”

I started laughing harder. “How could I forget? I still guard my body every time; just in case it happens again.”

“Or what about the guy who couldn’t find a light enough ball? He finally left, making up some story about being sick.” He chuckled.

“That was great. Those were some great times,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes.

We bowled three games. I won the first game and Shane won the second. I was winning the third game until the very end, when he ended up winning by one point.

“Ha, ha, ha! In your face!” he teased.

“Shut your face,” I teased back.

We were in his car driving back when I decided to bring up something that I had been thinking about since dinner with Amanda. “Shane?”

“I know that tone. What’s up?” he asked.

“You do know that we can only be friends, right?”

He glanced over at me. “Vanessa, I still love you and I always will, but I don’t ever want to get back together with you.”

“Oh,” I replied, feeling a little hurt by his words.

“That’s not what I meant.” He pulled into a parking lot. He put the car in park and turned to me. “What I mean is that I don’t deserve you. I treated you like shit and I ruined my chance with you. You allowing us to be friends again is more than I could ask for.”

“I understand.” I told him feeling relieved.

“Like I said, I’ll always love you. I’ll love you more than you’ll ever know, but I know that you deserve way better than me.”

“You hurt me… a lot,” I said, trying to gather my thoughts. “And even though I haven’t forgotten what happened, I am trying to forgive you. I guess, on some level, I’ll always love you, too. Even though we didn’t work, I want you to know that you deserve happiness.”

“Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.”

I leaned over the console and gave him a hug. It was so familiar yet so new. I pulled away. “Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving. I knew better than to ask if we could get concession food.”

“Hey, you saw the dead fly, too. I didn’t imagine it.”

He laughed. “Where to?”

By the time he dropped me off at my apartment, it was past midnight and I was tired. I threw my purse and keys on the counter and strode into my bedroom. I took my clothes off and put on my PJs, thinking about the night. I’d had a lot of fun. A part of me felt like I was betraying Jackson, but we weren’t an item anymore. I wasn’t sleeping with Shane and, even if I was, it wouldn’t matter; I wasn’t in a relationship. The thought left a bad taste in my mouth, though, because that meant that Jackson could sleep with whomever he wanted as well. Chances are, he was already back in a relationship with Cynthia.

Jackson

Amanda called me to let me know that Vanessa was going on out with Shane. I was stunned. Had she broken up with me just to get back with him? Amanda said that they were planning on going bowling so I followed them. I just needed to see them together for myself. I wanted to see if they interacted in a friendly way or a romantic way.

I sat back on the opposite end of the lanes and watched them the entire time. Luckily, with the low lights and my ball cap on, I wasn’t recognized. It was torture to watch her with another man. Especially Shane, the dipshit who’d ripped her heart out. As I watched them, I relaxed a little, though, because they didn’t kiss or touch. All they did was laugh.

That had been a few weeks ago and I still hadn’t heard from Vanessa. Amanda said the bowling nights were becoming a regular thing. I was becoming more and more depressed the longer our breakup went on.

“Hey, Ray,” I said over the phone, as I flopped down on my bed.

“What’s up, man?”

“I was thinking about going out tonight.”

“Cool. I’ll come by later.”

“See ya,” I said and ended the call. I tossed the phone on the bed. I just wanted to go out and forget about Vanessa. Forget that my heart had been ripped out. I walked downstairs and took a shot of tequila. And then another.

I sat down on a couch in the club’s VIP area and ordered two shots from a waitress with long brown hair who had her tits hanging out. She made sure to touch my arm as she left and I looked around the club. We were in a balcony area overlooking the dance floor; it was packed. Ray was already talking to a couple of girls.

The waitress came back with my shots. I reached for the first when Ray spoke up. “Make sure you drink those. Maybe order two more and see if we can remove that scowl from your face.”

“What? I’m not scowling,” I said as I downed the first shot.

“Now the other one,” he told me before turning to the waitress. “Two more, please.”

I didn’t argue. I kind of wanted to drink until I couldn’t remember anything and could forget Vanessa’s face. I downed the second shot. “Now what do I do until she gets back?” I asked.

“Why don’t you go dance?” he said before kissing the girl on his right.

Dancing didn’t really seem that fun but it sounded better than watching him make out with two girls. I got up and started for the stairs, where our waitress met me. “Hey, I have those shots. Do you want them or should I put them on the table?” she asked.

Maybe it was the shots I had just taken mixed with the ones I’d had before I left my house, but she suddenly seemed really cute. She had long brown hair just like Vanessa and really big tits. “Why don’t you give those to me and come dance with me?” I suggested.

She leaned in close, whispering, “I can’t right now because I’m working, but later?”

“Definitely,” I said, looking at her breasts. I grabbed the two shots, downing them quickly, and ambled on to the dance floor.

Once I got to the dance floor, a blonde almost immediately wrapped her arms around me. She was pretty; her hair was spilling all around her shoulders. I pulled her closer to me and began to dance, feeling her body against mine. I closed my eyes for a second, getting lost in dancing, when images of Vanessa popped into my head. I let them flitter through my mind for a little bit but I finally opened my eyes and focused on dancing with the blonde. After the blonde, I danced with several more women. They all blended together. Every time I turned my head, I studied each brunette, hoping and praying she would be Vanessa. Hoping that she would let me hold her and dance with her. Unfortunately, none of them were Vanessa or even half as beautiful as she was.

I walked back upstairs, needing a break from the dance floor. Ray was with yet another girl, this one slightly prettier than the first. As soon as I sat down, I ordered a beer and checked my phone for the millionth time, hoping Vanessa had called or messaged me.