Deeper We Fall (34 page)

“Did that meet your satisfaction, my lady?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

I dragged my finger down his chest, stopping just short of his boxers. I felt guilty that he’d gone down on me, and I hadn’t done anything for him.

Besides, I wanted to see him. To touch him. To give him a little something of what he’d given me. Even if I couldn’t deep throat him like a porn star, I could at least give a hand job a go.

“Charlotte.”

“Oh, hush. It’s my turn.” I rolled onto my side so I could get easier access before he helped me get his boxers off.

Well, hello there sir.

I’d seen a few penises in my lifetime. Having a twin brother had given me an intimate knowledge of the organ. Still, it didn’t mean I knew what to do with it now that I had one in my hand.

“Shit, Charlotte,” he said, throwing his head back as I started to stroke him with my hand. I wasn’t doing a whole lot, but he seemed to like it. I went faster and he groaned, fisting the sheets in his hands.

I had him in the palm of my hand.

“God, I want to be inside you,” he hissed through his teeth.

I looked down at his dick in my hand. It was a lot larger than a few fingers. Was I ready for that?

“Fuck it. You got that condom?”

His eyes went wide.

“Are you sure?”

“I love you. I want you. You gave me something. Now I want to give you something.”

He kissed me hard while reaching into the night stand beside the bed and pulling out a condom.

“This I can do,” I said taking it from him and ripping it, and rolling it on like I’d been doing it for years. He gave me a look.

“It’s a long story involving me and Lexie and some bananas. I’ll tell you later,” I said to his unanswered question before claiming his lips again.

“Jesus, I love you.”

“Right back atcha.”

He lay on top of me, skin to skin, chest to chest. It was the most connected I’d ever been to another person.

“This is your show, Charlotte.” He put his arms around me and rolled, taking me with him until I was on top.

I’d read about this more than a few times, so I braced myself on the headboard before I pulled myself up, grabbed his dick and started to lower myself.

Yes, a penis was a lot bigger than two fingers. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t make any sounds of pain, because it did hurt, but not as much as I thought it would.

“Go slow.” His fingers dug into my hips, and I knew they would leave marks. Ever so slowly, he slid into me until I had him completely inside.

“Wow.” I gazed down at him and realized we would never be closer than we were at this moment.

“You feel so damn good, pretty girl.” I leaned down and kissed him before starting to move my hips.

He moved with me, rising to meet me. Our bodies moved together, as if they were made for one another. Two puzzle pieces that had gotten separated and had found one another again.

“We fit together,” I said as the pressure built and I was about to lose myself again. I cried out as I found it, and he swore a few moments later, and I felt him spend himself into me.

I collapsed on his chest, totally wrung out.

Zan

We lay together for a long time after I pulled out and tossed the condom and she went to take care of her own needs.

“You don’t act like a virgin,” I said, tracing random letters on her back.

“You don’t act like a man whore. Except that thing with your tongue.” She shivered with the memory. I’d hoped she would like that.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. That’s why I wanted to.” She took my hand and kissed my palm. “It was… It was more than the sensations. It was something we shared. Something I haven’t shared with anyone else. Something I’ll never share with anyone else. It’s yours and mine. Always.”

More of Rumi’s words came to me.

“‘
The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

How blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along
.’”

She smiled up at me.

“That’s both beautiful and true.”

I wanted it to stay that way. Always. I wrote the letters on her back.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Was it what you wanted it to be? I know I’m not experienced and I didn’t reciprocate on the oral.”

I kissed her again so she would stop talking.

“Shhh.”

“You can tell me if it wasn’t great. I can take it.”

“Lottie.” I knew using the nickname would get her attention. “I love you, and for the first time in years, I felt free, with you. I was in a cage that I’d made for myself. Today you handed me the key and let me fly. You’re right. It wasn’t just about the sex.”

“The sex was kind of awesome, though.” She rolled onto her side, giving me quite a view of her perfect chest. I leaned forward and bit one of her nipples lightly.

“Hey!” Her protest was quickly replaced by a moan and I got to make her die a little more.

One, two, three times.

***

“What time is it?”

Charlotte was on her stomach, looking at my tattoos.

“Almost six,” I said, reading the clock on the wall.

“What’s this?” She pointed to the little bird perched on the tree of my tattoo.

“He’s my little mockingbird.”

“Is this a quote?” She moved closer to my chest so she could read it. “‘
We are the mirror as well as the face in it
’. Why does that sound so familiar?”

“It’s Rumi. He’s the author of most of the poems I’ve sent you. He was a Muslim poet who lived hundreds of years ago. Miss Carole, my social worker, gave me a book of his poetry and I used to memorize it when I was bored.”

“You said that to me. The line about the mirrors. You were drunk, and I thought you were nuts, but now it makes sense.”

“There are other things.” I showed her the other little bits hidden in the tree. The other quotes written around what looked like knots in the trunk, the little pictures hidden on leaves and branches.

There was a record, and my grandfather’s initials, a book, some Leonard Cohen lyrics and a key.

“What’s the key for?”

“A car key changed my life. I sort of saw it as symbolic of losing my freedom that day. But now you’ve given it back to me.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“About Zack? Fucked if I know.”

She giggled.

“It’s funny to hear you curse.”

“You’d be surprised how much I repress it around you. Wouldn’t want you sully your pretty ears with my filthy mouth.”

“Oh please. I’ve been living with Will my entire life. Most of the bad words and gross things I know because of him. But we’re changing the subject.”

“That’s because I didn’t want to ruin our moment of sunshine with clouds.”

I kissed her shoulder.

“There’s nothing I can do at this point, Charlotte. It’s over and done with.”

She propped herself up with her arms.

“It’s not over. You said telling me the truth set you free. If everyone doesn’t know the truth, then you’re not really free.”

“I’m free with you, and that’s all I care about. Who gives a shit what the rest of the world thinks?”

She shook her head. “It’s not right, Zan.”

“I thought I was Alex now.”

“You’re Zan again. Now that I associate the name with you, and not with the accident. It fits you.”

“Should I start calling you Lottie?”

“Everyone calls me Lottie. I want you to call me something different.”

“How about just L?”

“As in Love?”

“Yes, as in Love. That’s what my grandfather used to call Gram. He called her ‘my love.’”

“But people will think it’s for Lottie. I like that. It’s our secret. Well, another secret. Thank you for trusting me.”

“You’re easy to trust, L.”

She smiled at the use of her new nickname.

“I’m sure my brother and Katie think we’ve been abducted by aliens.”

“In all fairness, there was some probing involved.”

She made a face, pulled the pillow out from under her head and hit me with it.

“I knew you had a dirty mind.”

“You have no idea.” I rolled onto my back and stretched. All I wanted was to pull her onto my chest, twist our legs together and go to sleep, but we couldn’t.

“We should go.”

“We should.”

She grinned at me and I grinned at her and we both shook our heads slowly. Before I yanked her into my arms and crushed her lips with mine.

Again.

Chapter Thirty-five

Lottie

“You’re trying to keep me hostage,” I said a little while later. We’d only left the bed to take a shower, and now we were both wrapped in towels and trying to convince ourselves that we had to get back to campus.

“That wasn’t my original plan, but now it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Steve and Mom don’t come up here that often. We could stay for a few weeks at least.” Imagining spending my life in bed with Zan sounded kind of like heaven.

“If only it wasn’t for our pesky classes and my job and my stupid brother.”

“And my stupid brother,” he said, rubbing the towel over his head. “I hope he hasn’t done anything else that I’ll need to clean up.”

“You have to stop doing that. Why do you do that?”

“He’s my brother. What would do if it was Will?”

“That’s different.” I thought about it, but really, it wasn’t. Brothers were brothers. It was like what Simon had said. If Will had been the one driving…

He looked at me through the wet ropes of hair that hung in his eyes.

“Can I at least cut your hair sometime? I cut Will’s for him.”

“Sure, L. I trust you.” He wasn’t just talking about the haircut. “You can cut it when we get back.”

“It’s a date.”

He chuckled and tugged at my towel so I fell toward him.

“Sex fiend,” I said.

“Only for you, L. Only for you.”

***

The ride back to campus was completely different from the ride down.  There was less tension, more smiling, more kissing and I was less one V card and he was less one secret.

I finally understood what Katie had said about sex ‘just happening.’ Not that I hadn’t thought about what it would be like with Zan, but I never thought I would actually go through with it.

I didn’t care what people would say. That it was impulsive, that we were just hopped up on hormones. Maybe that was true, but that didn’t take account the love that went into it. So much love.

“Would you stay with me tonight?” he asked as we walked from the truck back to our dorm. Unlike this morning, he had his arm around me, and I pressed myself into his side as much as I could.

“What kind of a question is that? Of course I’m going to stay. I don’t want to leave you.”

We stopped for a kiss right outside the building.

“Oh no, don’t start that again,” I said when he started biting my lower lip. “I have a broken roommate to check on and you have a douchebag brother who is probably thinking of some diabolical way to win her over. Again.”

He kissed my forehead instead.

“Duty calls.”

“And we answer.” I didn’t want to let go of him. We stood in the lobby, twisting our hands together.

“We should go,” I said.

“Yes, we should.”

We both laughed.

“Keep me updated?” I said as we walked toward the stairs.

“I will. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

At his floor, he gave me a lingering kiss, and I let go of his hand.

“See you later, Zan.”

“Bye, L.”

Things were looking up when I got back to my room. Katie had finally changed her clothes and showered, and she was busy watching
Pretty In Pink
with Audrey and Trish.

“When did you get here?” I said to Trish.

“Few hours ago. I came right after work.” She looked me up and down and gave me an accusatory glare. “How was the sex?”

“What?” How could she tell I’d had sex?

“What sex?” Katie and Audrey swiveled their heads from the TV to stare at me.

“Exactly, what sex?” I sat on my bed and tried to look casual.

Trish sat up from her position on the floor. “The sex you had with Zan. Was it good?”

“You had sex with Zan?!” Katie’s voice did that shrieking thing that she normally reserved for happy things.

I gaped at them. I’d been hoping to hide it for at least a few days, but so much for that.

“Fine. Since Trish seems to have sexdar, the answer is yes. I had sex with Zan. And that’s all I’m going to say about it. End of story.”

Katie was the first one to speak. “I cannot believe you had sex with Zan. How could you be so stupid?”

“What business is it of yours? Look who you’re sleeping with. Pot and kettle much?” Trish said.

Katie glared at Trish before she said, “yeah well, at least I knew what I was getting into when
I
slept with Zan.”

Zan

Zack was in rough shape when I finally found him working his frustrations out at the gym.

“Thanks a lot for having my back last night, little brother,” he said as he cranked the treadmill up. I hopped onto the one next to him and started running.

“You were being an insufferable asshole, as usual. Why do you always have to do this, Zack? I’m so fucking tired of it.”

“Screw you, Zan. If you don’t like it, then you can just go to hell.”

“Already been there.”

And heaven. I’d been there too today, with Charlotte.

“You’ve got to stop doing this, Zack.”

“I wish you would stop telling me what to do, like you haven’t made mistakes. You’re no fucking saint.”

Zack’s abuse usually rolled off my back, but not today. Not anymore.

“Fine. Keep screwing up. But I’m going to do everything in my power to keep that girl away from you. She deserves better. She deserves better than you.” I jumped off the treadmill and walked away before he could say anything else.