Deeper (24 page)

“Yeah I do. She likes me. If she doesn’t, it won’t bother her, and we can stop.”

“Sounds messed up.”

“It is messed up,” I say, pulling out my phone. “Give me your number. We’ll set something up.”

“No need.” She looks down at one of her biceps, flexes it, and mutters something about needing to get to the gym. “I’ll take care of it right here, right now.”

“What?” I look down at her. She flips her short hair out of her eyes and comes forward. She’s a tall girl, but still a lot shorter than me. Even so I can tell she’s the one who is going to be in charge of this operation.

“I said, I’ll take care of it right now.” She turns to the guard room and puts a hand up to cup her mouth. “Rain!”

I put a hand over my face. She’s going to do this with all the subtlety of a water buffalo. I need to find a new plan. Rain sticks her head out of the office and comes outside. She comes over to us, and I want to escape, but Ally’s blocking my way. She grins at me and swallows her gum. Gross.

It was only the four of us here for training, and with Geoff already gone, the three of us are the only ones in the building.

“Yes, Ally? Did you need something?” Rain asks. She looks gorgeous. Her hair is down around her face in loose waves, still drying from the morning training. Her blue eyes shimmer in the florescent light of the pool deck.

“Yeah, wanted to show you something,” Ally says. I shake my head and try to walk past her, but she grabs my arm with a startlingly hard grip and pulls me back towards her. I’ve never been yanked around by a girl before. She catches me around the neck and kisses me hard on the lips. I’m too shocked to pull back, plus she has a vice grip on my neck. She grinds into my mouth, nothing soft about it. Ugh.

When she lets me go I pull back, shocked and horrified. I rub her kiss off my mouth and turn to Rain. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. She stares at us as calmly, like she’s watching the weather report. Damnit.

She shrugs. “Well, if you don’t need anything Ally…”

Ally turns to me with a smug face and I can tell she’s glad I’m getting such a disappointing reaction. I rub my mouth. That sucked and Rain doesn’t even give a crap. I stretch my neck, looking up at the ceiling. What does one do at a moment this awkward?

“If that’s all, Ally, you can leave,” Rain says, cutting through the silence. “We’re done training for the day.”

Maybe I’m just imagining it, but she sounds a little angry. Maybe there’s hope. Ally turns to me, winks, and saunters off, hands in her back pockets as usual. Someone should tell her it looks like she’s grabbing her own butt.

Rain gets in front of me, blocking my exit route. She’s not going to let me slink away. The door slams, announcing that Ally is gone. It’s just us now.

“So, you’re into Ally now?”

Should I pretend I am? “Uh…”

“Convincing,” she says. She jabs a hard finger into my chest. “There are rules against relations with other employees.”

“Did those rules apply to what we did in the waves the other day?”

“I—”

“Oh, interesting,” I say, pulling her hand off. “These rules you’re so big on, they apply sometimes, but not others, right?”

“She’s our subordinate.”

“Is that it?” I fold my arms and move forward, towering over her. “Is that the only reason it’s bothering you?”

“I—yes. Yes that’s it. What else would there be?”

I’m not sure how to tell her what I think. I’m not sure there’s any point. But I’ve gone this far and I might as well keep at it. “I think you’re jealous.”

“Do you really like her?”

“I do.” I’m beginning to think Geoff had something. I might as well commit to it.

“Did you ever like me?” She looks up at me, and this time I know I can see some sadness in her eyes.

“I did. I do Rain,” I say. “You dumped me. What am I supposed to do? Be alone?”

“Yeah, I wish you would. Maybe it’s what Camille would have wanted. Maybe you could be loyal, like me, damnit.”

I come forward, putting a hand around her waist, pulling her forward because I can sense it’s what she wants, and it’s what I want. “Do you want me to be loyal to Camille, or loyal to you?”

She murmurs something against my chest and burrows her face there.

“What was that?”

“Me. I want you to be loyal to me. But I have no right, because I’m not going to give it back. I want you to love only me, and I want it to be okay if I don’t love you.”

“I know,” I say. “So just let it be. Let it be what it is between us. If it’s friends it’s friends. Whatever it is, it is. Don’t push me away. Don’t tell me what I can or can’t have. Just give me what you can give me.”

“We already tried that. It’s not going to be enough for you.”

“It’s enough to just see you every day at work. It’s enough to think about you, even if you aren’t there. It’s enough to just dream about being with you, Rain.” I cup her head with my hand, let her soft hair slip through my fingers. “But is it enough for you, Rain?”

Her eyes widen, glistening with unshed tears. “It has to be. I can’t love you.”

“Rain, I just don’t want this to end like it did for Camille. You can’t live like this. You need to get help.”

“I don’t need help.” She takes a step back, away from me. “I’m not like her. I’m not going to kill myself.”

“That’s true. You couldn’t even if you wanted to.”

“What? Why?” She stares up into my eyes, blinking light brown lashes.

“Because you aren’t actually alive.”

“I am too.” She takes my hand and places it against her chest. “See? I’m alive.”

“Yeah, you’re breathing. Sure. But the way you’re denying yourself any of the things that make life good, you might as well be dead.”

Her eyes narrow in anger. “You don’t get to tell me how to live. You’re just bitter that I don’t love you.”

“I think you’re just bitter because you do love me,” I say, taking a step forward, closing the distance. I can tell by the confusion in her eyes that I’ve got her, and I’m going to push this time. I didn’t push before, and I lost everything. I won’t make that mistake again, not while she’s depending on me.

“No, I don’t. I don’t love you.” She tries to back up again.

“Really? You’re sure?” I close the distance again, put my arms around her. She stops struggling and puts a hand on my chest. Keeps it there for a moment before shaking her head and yanking it away.

“I’m sure.”

“I don’t believe you,” I say, running my hands over her shoulders. “I think you and I both know it.”

“I don’t. I definitely do not. Love you.”

“Then I guess you’d hate if I did this?” I give her a light push and she falls backwards into the lap lane. I jump in after and help her get on her feet.

She comes up soaked, sputtering and spitting mad, but instead of hitting me, she throws her arms around my neck and kisses me.

Damn, I love this girl.

His stupid lips are hot against mine and his hands are everywhere. I want to be mad at him, but when he holds me like this, I’m home. I’m safe.

It’s only been a week since the beach, and I’ve been craving him ever since. I feel like I need him in my life everyday, and with a sinking feeling, I’m starting to connect the dots to what that means.

I push him back in the water, taking his mouth and running my hands down his chest, erasing Ally’s kiss from his lips. How dare she touch him? How dare he let her?

Watching them made me realize that even if I’m eerily calm on the outside sometimes, inside, I’m just like everyone else. I was devastated by William dying, and I was devastated when I broke up with Knight, and I was devastated when Ally kissed him, hard.

I’ll kiss him harder and make him mine again.

But Knight has other ideas. He pushes us away from the wall, backs me against the lap lane. Puts his hands on either side of my head and cages me in, staring down into my eyes. “Go on Rain. Tell me you don’t love me. I dare you.”

I shake my head and turn away. “I don’t—”

He pulls my head to his, takes my lips roughly, slides his tongue in when my mouth opens easily. “Just try it. Tell me you don’t love me,” he says against my mouth, tickling my lips and sending shockwaves through me.

“I don’t love you,” I say against his mouth, and he pulls back to glare at me. He grabs me around the thighs, lifts me up around his waist.

He runs his hands over my back, tickling my waist with rough fingertips. “Oh, you don’t? So when I do this,” he lifts me up higher, circling my belly button with his tongue, “it doesn’t do anything?”

My head falls back as pleasure builds in me. Deep inside I know it’s more than the touching, more than the fact that his tongue seems to make love to me when he does this, but I can’t admit it. If I admit it, I don’t even know what will happen. I shake my head and press my lips together.

“You know you love me, Rain. I can feel it when you touch me. I can feel it when I touch you. I love you. I’m waiting for you baby. It’s okay. Just say it.” He lowers me back down on my feet slowly, raining kisses on my neck, my mouth, and the top of my head. He takes my face gently in both hands. “Just admit it. I promise everything will be okay.”

I look up into his blue eyes. He seems so sure, but what does he know? Even if I do care, what does it matter? It won’t be real until I say it. I can’t.

I look into his eyes and see love there, waiting for me if I can just take it.

It’s not the fifty-year love my grandparents have, or the twenty-year love my parents have. But it’s that fresh, exciting new kind of love that makes you want to risk everything for someone, that makes you think you could be with them forever and it wouldn’t be enough.

“Just tell me, princess,” he says, running his thumb over my cheek. “It’ll all be easier after you say it.”

But I can’t. It would hurt too bad. I want to, but there’s just something inside me that’s stopping me, no matter what I do.

“I don’t. I don’t,” I say, over and over, unconvincingly. But I don’t let go of his arms. I can’t imagine anything feeling better than the way he bites me gently at the place where my ear meets my neck, like pure fire, but the best kind of fire.

“So, you’d be okay if I did this with someone else? It’s just pure lust, and it doesn’t matter if I give it to someone else as long as I give it to you?” He asks, his lips moving against me.

I imagine him doing it to someone else, like Ally, and my heart pounds painfully. “No!” I drop my voice to a normal level. “No, it’s not all right. I don’t want that.”

“Good,” he says, nipping my earlobe, taking it into his mouth and licking it before gently biting again and sending a shockwave through me. “Because I don’t want to do it to anyone else. Just you. I always want to be with just you. That’s love, Rain.”

“Just me,” I murmur against him. It’s so wonderful, but so painful at the same time.

“Just say you love me, say you love me and we’ll be free.” He pulls me to him.

“I can’t, it hurts!” I cry, digging my fingernails into his back as my grief and the pleasure he’s giving me collide in a confusing mix. “I can’t say it. I can’t feel it.”

He pulls me back, holds me tight by the shoulders, and looks into my eyes. “Newsflash, Rain, you’re saying it now.” He holds me to him and I put my arms around him and hold tighter.

“Like that Rain, you just said it again,” he murmurs, letting me hold him.

He’s right. I only like this because I love him. I only want this with him. I want to always be with him. But it’s too painful to accept.

“Just say it Rain. I need to hear it, I need to know it from your lips.”

“I can’t, it hurts!” I curl into his chest.

He lets out a heavy breath and sets me down in the water. I step back, both relieved and sad.

“Guess what, Rain? Love hurts sometimes.” He walks toward me and I walk back. “It hurts me like hell to think of loving you. To take a chance with another woman who doesn’t seem to want to help herself. It hurts me like hell to think of not being with you too, though. I mean, we’re going to hurt either way.”

“I know, but—”

“We’re both seriously effed up. We’ll probably be in pain no matter what we do. I got Camille and you’ve got William, and we can either stay on our own, fighting our ghosts alone, or we can come together. Come together and decide to live, if you just say you love me. I won’t ask you again. Please, just say it Rain.”

I take a deep breath. It feels like I’m breathing through a straw. My head is foggy, and it gets foggier as I think of doing what he wants me to do. I’m going to pass out. “I can’t,” I say.

His eyes shutter, like the front of an old fashioned camera, and when they open again, I can see hurt there. Hurt and anger. And disappointment. Then he turns away.

Sometimes life is just like that. Sometimes there is no happy ending, and sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes we can’t triumph over everything. Sometimes we have to see the person we love walk away, like Knight is walking away from me now, because we aren’t ready or good enough to love them. Sometimes that’s the hand we are dealt.

Then again, sometimes we can be stronger than we ever thought, if the right person needs us to be. I lunge towards Knight and catch him around the waist, pain blaring in my head like white light, convincing me I’m going to die if I say this, but I’m going to say it, because it’s true.

It’s true.

“I love you, Knight. I love you so much.” The pain in my head is blaring, everything in me hates me for saying what I’ve said, and I’m certain that my brain, or my heart, is going to explode. I’ve gone against all of my foolish promises. Pronounced them foolish by breaking them. I’ve gone against the oaths I made in an attempt to stay sane, and now the fire in my brain is rewarding me with what feels like death.

But I’m so glad I said it. Though my vision is blurry, I can see how much it means to Knight. He’s right, sometimes the thing that hurts is the right thing. I was able to fight this for him. He doesn’t have to go through another Camille.

I’m so proud of myself. I did something so stupid, so crazy. It’s the first I’ve felt this alive since William died, it’s too bad I’m going to die now. Like my head said I would.