Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven (2 page)

Fin situated himself in the little lounge down the hall from where I had my first exam.

“Good luck, Marisol,” he said, giving me a kiss. “Knock ‘em dead.” I gave him two thumbs up and headed into the room. I glanced back once and he was staring out the window, looking lost and exhausted. What was going on with him? I’d have to find out later.

I walked in and situated myself at a desk. Unlike most days, the room was full of students, some I didn’t recognize because they were rarely in class. Exams and test booklets were handed out and I got to work, but my mind never strayed far from Fin.

The test was somewhat easy if you studied the material. I was one of the first who finished, and I handed in my booklet and exam as soon as I was sure I had picked the best answers and hit all the points I needed to with my essay questions. Confident I aced it, I left the room and walked down to the study area, ready to throw myself at Fin and then force him to go eat something with me before my next exam in a half hour.

He was on the phone, so I hung back, trying to give him some privacy. Whoever he was talking to was obviously giving him a hard time. His back was rigid, and he was speaking in staccato bursts. Finally he took the phone away from his ear and sat down in one of the chairs, putting his head in his hands. Something was wrong.

“I’m done,” I said tentatively.

His head snapped up and it took him a second to recognize me. His eyes focused and he put a smile on his face that wasn’t genuine but just for my benefit.

“How did it go?” He stood and I automatically walked into his arms. I pulled him close, wishing there was something I could do to fix him. To mend what was broken inside.

But he’d have to do that. Ultimately, when we were broken, we had to fix ourselves. Others could help us along the way, inspire us, but we had to do the work.

“Fine. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.” Maybe if I ate, he’d eat with me. He took my hand and I led him to the nearest café.

“Everything okay?” I asked as we walked. He might be right here with me physically, but he wasn’t here with me mentally.

I had to tug on his hand to get him to answer me.

“Hey, come back to me,” I said softly. We stopped walking and I made him face me.

“I saw you talking on the phone. What’s wrong?” He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.

“Just . . . a phone call I didn’t want to get. That’s all. I’m fine.” He was always telling me that. Telling me not to worry, but that wasn’t how this worked. I cared for him, so worrying about him came with the territory. Even if I was just an acquaintance, I’d be worried.

“Talk to me about it. You’ll feel better.”

He gave me a grim smile. “Yeah, I’ve heard that line before.”

I took a step back.

“That isn’t a line, Fin. What is going on with you? One minute you’re in Germany and having a day of freedom, and the next you’re here and you look like hell and you’re still hiding things from me.” The words spilled out of me and made him tighten his jaw.

“I can’t do this right now, Marisol,” he said, glancing around at the people who were walking to and from various destinations. Sure, it wasn’t the best place to have a private conversation, but all of these people seemed too wrapped up in their own lives to bother with ours.

“Please?” I said. I didn’t know what I was saying please to, but I just . . . I needed this from him. I needed him to trust me, to be open with me. Not just about his deep dark secrets, but about everything.

He got up and walked around the corner. I followed him, thinking that he was just choosing a more private place for us to talk.

We ended up between two buildings in a dark and cramped space that was barely wide enough to fit both of us. It was pretty gross, too.

“Fin?” I asked, feeling a little uneasy. He looked at me and . . . oh. Dark Fin was here. Quicker than I could snap my fingers, he’d shut down on me, going to the side that was in control. Self-preservation.

I had deluded myself into thinking that he was ever going to completely open up to me. There was a war going on inside him and I could only stand and watch.

“Put your arms above your head,” he commanded. What? I was momentarily confused. He’d never spoken to me this way outside of the bedroom before. I’d stupidly thought that part of him didn’t come outside during the day. But this was just as much a part of him as the dorky guy who bought me lilacs and talked about Tom Hanks.

Slowly, I raised my hands above my head. I didn’t know exactly what he was going to do, but I had a feeling. Yes, we were in a disgusting and cramped space. But I couldn’t stop my heart from racing or my body from wanting him. It didn’t matter how I got him. I just wanted . . . him.

So I obeyed his orders, knowing the whole time that all I had to do was say the safeword and this would be over. I wanted to see how far he’d go first. How far I’d let him go.

“Turn around,” he commanded, and I did. His back pressed me up against the slightly damp bricks. They were cool, but my skin was flushed with heat.

“I don’t want to talk about it now. Okay?” It wasn’t easy to nod my head, but I did, my cheek scraping against the brick. Good thing I wasn’t claustrophobic, or else this would have been over before it started.

My breaths came in little gasps as Fin’s hand slipped under my skirt. In hindsight, I hadn’t pictured this when I’d put it on, but it definitely made things easier for him.

“Do you want me to fuck you right here? Right now? Have you missed me?” Yes, yes, and yes.

I nodded again. He didn’t have to tell me not to speak. I knew now. I’d learned his rules.

He chuckled, the sound vibrating against my back as his hand went higher, stroking the outside of my panties, which were covered in a layer of pantyhose. So much for those. His fingers found a seam and started tearing. The delicate sound was the only thing I heard over the sound of my beating heart and Fin’s breath in my ear.

His fingers tickled me, ever so slightly. Totally teasing. Why was this turning me on? There were people walking feet away from us, and my clothes were getting dirtier and dirtier, and my pantyhose were ruined.

But as he stroked me, I felt my eyes close and a moan escaped my mouth.

“Shhh,” he said in my ear, nipping at my earlobe. “Quiet so no one hears you.” He chuckled again and pressed harder against me. Oh yes, he was enjoying this like I was. That much was evident.

All thoughts of reluctance left my head the second his finger slid under my panties and plunged inside me. I bit my bottom lip to shut myself up, but I was close. His touch, finally on me after what felt like an eternity, had me nearly climaxing after only a few strokes.

He moved his finger out of me and then thrust back inside so hard I was lifted up on my tiptoes.

“You like that?” I nodded, my face now completely mashed against the bricks. I could see him in my peripheral vision, his face composed and controlled, his eyes dark with desire. I still wanted to be with him face-to-face, but we’d probably have to wait a while before we tried that again.

He added another finger, and I moved up and down as he kept his hand still, fucking me with his hand. He groaned in satisfaction.

I was totally getting off on this. I didn’t care about anything but the feeling of his hand going in and out of me.

I nearly bit into the brick wall as I came, shuddering around his hand. My shoulders were starting to get sore from being held up, but I didn’t dare drop them.

Fin removed his hand from me, and I watched as he slowly licked his fingers, making sure I knew exactly what he was doing.

It just turned me on more.

“We should go eat,” he said after he removed his fingers from his mouth and stepped back from me. I slumped against the wall. I didn’t know how I was going to anywhere. He might have to carry me.

“You can turn around now and drop your arms.” I did so, my shoulders popping and tingling as they hung at my sides. My clothes were a disaster. I looked like I’d been rubbing up against a brick wall. That was about right.

I leaned against the brick, using it to bolster me upright. Looking up at him, I held his eyes. Tension and lust buzzed between us, and for a second I thought he was going to shove himself against me and start all over again. An image of me wrapping my legs around him and riding him as the brick scraped against my back and tore up my clothing bloomed in my mind. I wanted it.

“And you may also speak, Marisol.”

“What was that for?” Really? That was my first question?

He snapped his eyes away from me and straightened his jacket. “Sorry about your clothes.”

I looked down and started brushing myself off, but it couldn’t really be helped. I wished I’d packed a change of clothes. I would have if I’d known. Sometimes I did bring extra clothes if I was going out after class, but I hadn’t today.

“It’s okay. Fin?” He’d backed away as far as he could in the small space.

“Yes?”

“I missed you,” I said.

His face softened and he gave me a smile. Dark Fin was slowly retreating into the background.

“I missed you, too.”

H
e led the way out of the space between the buildings, standing in front of me so I could brush myself off a little more. I pulled out a wipe from my purse, but it was little help with the embedded dirt and who knows what else on my shirt and skirt. The hole in my pantyhose was at least hidden under my skirt, and I hoped it wouldn’t grow any more than it had.

In a pinch, I had some clear nail polish in my purse that I could put on it to stop it from getting bigger. Yet another trick I learned from my mother. We might not get along, but she taught me a lot about being a woman.

When I was as together as I could get, I tapped him on the shoulder and he stepped aside to let me out into the sunshine. I blinked at the brightness.

“Shall we?” He held his arm out, and I hesitated before taking it.

“You are a complicated man, Fin Herald. Every time I think I’ve figured you out, you prove me wrong,” I said as we walked. I was self-conscious about my outfit, but no one was staring at me. Once again, people were too busy thinking about their own trials and tribulations. Occasionally people glanced at Fin, but that I understood. He was just one of those people. Sure, he was sexy, but it was what rippled under the surface that drew eyes to him.

I didn’t ask about the phone call as we walked into a small sandwich shop. We were going to have to eat and run so I could get to my next exam, but I wasn’t all that hungry anymore. Still, I ordered a turkey sub and Fin got the same but with bacon.

“You’re shutting me out again,” I said, swallowing and wiping my mouth.

He didn’t contradict me.

“I just wish I knew why. What you’re avoiding. Is it something to do with me?” I knew if I said that, it would get a reaction out of him. I was right. He might know how to push my buttons, but I was learning how to push his.

His eyes snapped up from his sandwich and then narrowed. “Why do you think it’s about you?” I didn’t, but now I knew that it wasn’t. So that narrowed things down just a tiny bit.

“Just asking,” I said, and we finished our sandwiches in silence. Fin walked me to my next exam, and I shut thoughts of him out so I could focus.

He waited for me, but this time when he came out, he wasn’t on the phone. Just staring out the window.

For someone who wasn’t even thirty, he looked ancient. Like life had chewed him up and spit him out already middle-aged.

“I’m done,” I said, and he looked at me, but he was far away. “Want to come over? We can order in and just . . . talk.” Going back to my place probably wasn’t the best idea since I had the feeling he was going to try and get me to take my clothes off to distract me from actually talking about what we needed to talk about. But I was going to risk it. I couldn’t stand this limbo we were in.

I’d been so excited to see him and now everything was a mess.

“Sure. Sounds good.” He gave me a quick smile and took my hand as we walked out of the building. I hailed a cab and got in before he could protest, dragging him with me.

What was it going to take to get through to him?

“Hey,” I said, grabbing his chin and turning his head toward me with force. “Look at me.” A ripple of shock went through him for a moment and then heat blazed between us. Oh. I wasn’t counting on that.