Deep in the Heart of Me (37 page)

He's gonna make a remark to her, about me, and I could kill him, that's the thing. It don't feel pretty and I won't, but I could. I could.

"Antonio," she says. It's Miss Rivers. Man looking into her face is like a dunk in a bucket. I do not want to talk to this woman right now. "Antonio?" she says.

I look back, and Sobe is still talking to this guy. Big smile on her face. Like she did for me.

"Hey…let her know…I gotta be someplace. Can't a…can't stick around," I tell Rivers.

I pull away from her then.

"Antonio?" she says. "Where do you…Antonio?"

I don't answer that broad. I can't get out of here fast enough.

I'm headed down that dark street. I could disappear right now, take one of those gangways that lead to the alley. But I don't feel inclined. I keep going, and I'm two blocks, and there's Sheriff's Ford pulling next to me. It stops, and she's out, and next I know she's everywhere, hugging on me. "Oh, Tonio," and all of it.

Then she steps back, "I can't believe you're here!" then a hit on my arm, "And where are you going?” Then grabbing me by the arms, "You're just walking off? After coming all this way Antonio, you're what…walking off? What is the matter with you?" then she hugs me again.

This whole time I've kept my hands in my pockets. I got a lot of feelings right now. I don't want to have them in front of Rivers, but I have no choice.

"You were busy," I say.

"I was…I was busy?"

"Don't act stupid," I say. It's mean how I say it.

"What? You're mad because we were late? I didn't know you were coming!"

"Not that. I don't want to talk with that…," I nod toward the car.

"Tonio, what's the matter with you?" She looks in my eyes, she sniffs my coat.

"You with that guy?"

"No. You saw me talking to a guy? That's what this is about? I talk to guys, Tonio. We were on a trip."

"Just tell me. No big deal. I got things to do."

She takes her hands away and folds her arms. "You smell like whiskey. Is that what you've got to do? You came all this way to get drunk?"

"I came to see you," I say with heat. "And I wish I'd kept going."

"Well, don't let me stop you then," she says with this twisty little face.

"You won't see me again," I say. I have no idea how I'll live up to that, but it sounds about right anyway.

"Never?" she says, her face as upset as when I killed her old man.

I look away from her.

"You don't mean this. Get in the car," she says.

"I mean what I say," I say not knowing what I mean.

"All right," she says. She goes to the Ford and leans in the open door and says something to Miss Rivers and they carry on, and Miss Rivers gets out and tells me over the roof, "You can't do this, Antonio. Just let me drive you home before one of you gets hurt."

I start to walk. I hear them argue, doors slam.

Then I hear her steps behind me. She's next to me pretty quickly. "We have to be quick if we're going to lose her," Sobe says grabbing my arm and pulling me towards a house.

I go with heavy steps, and Miss Rivers is in the street beeping the horn.

Sobe looks back at me, pulling me like she's hitched to me. She's laughing. "Will you get the lead out?" she says.

And I pull my hands out of my pockets and take her hand in mine, and I start to run.

We run enough to get in the alley behind those fancy houses, and I stop us. She's gasping and holding her chest, but we ain't laughing yet. Not yet.

She is breathless. She's…she's beautiful.

"You smell like smoke and whiskey," she says.

"You don't like me?"

"I like you."

We're just looking now. I wasn't wrong about her. This is the girl I go to State School for. This is the girl I live for now.

"Yesterday," I say low, "I was a ward of the state. Now… I'm here with you."

I move a little, and I'm so close to her.

"Yesterday," she says, "I was thinking I wouldn’t see you until Saturday.”

"We have this whole city. Isn't this where we were headed when we got stuck? It took us a while…me a while to get here."

"Me too," she says.

"Hey." My rough red hand comes up lightly against her cheek. She's crying a little, and she's too beautiful to touch.

"I can't believe you're out," she whispers, emotion in her face and voice. "It's like a nightmare…has ended. Tonio," she plucks at the button on my coat.

I go on in even though she's let me know I smell terrible. But I kiss her, and she makes a sound like a bird trapped against the windowpane, I mean my fingertips rest inside the collar of her coat and her heart flutters like that.

Mine just hammers.

"Tonio," she whispers when I pull back.

I go in and kiss her again, her mouth is so warm and sweet and everything in me…she's got everything in me, and I remember kissing her now and I don't know how I went away for so long because it's more this time in this dark alley by someone's fence. For these seconds, I'm flying faster than I was on that train.

I gotta breathe. I pull away just a little. "I got money. We don't have to go back tonight…or ever. Whatever you want…."

"Tonio," she says but her eyes, which were half-closed, pop right open.

"I got to the house…I couldn't wait," I say, my hands kneading her arms, my forehead against hers.

"That wasn't fair, Tonio. You belong to them…."

I belong to her. Doesn’t she know? I crush her then. I crush her in my arms and bury my face against her neck.

I belong to her.

Her lights cut across us then. Miss Rivers in Sobe's Ford.

I catch a curse. I'm too…well, I'm not exactly ready for war, but I am quickly getting that way. This woman, she reminds me of Boss. Oh I know, she's more civilized and cultured I guess. But that don't mean she's not as persistent as a broken leg that ain't set.

"I'll tell her to go away," Sobe says.

"I'll tell her," I say, setting Sobe a little behind me as the Ford rolls closer.

"No Tonio. I'll do the talking," she says.

We get beside the car, and Rivers rolls the window down.

"What are you doing?" Rivers says.

"You don't have to worry about me. I'll be home…later," Sobe says, and I'm rankled she tells this nosey old bag this much.

"Where are you going? I can take the both of you. Isn't your family missing you Tonio? You just got home," Rivers says like I don't know my own life.

Oh, I don't like it. I don't plan to ever let anyone tell me what to do again. Not unless there's something in it that's good, and this old maid…I've never taken to her, even if she did write some letter to someone. It did me no good. She kept Sobe from being with my family at first. I have always found her about as helpful as an extra belly button.

And she's looking for a way into my time with Sobe. She's even got the automobile. She's had her hands on the wheel for too long.

"Is this wise Sobe?" she says.

"Miss Rivers, Sobe can make up her own mind," I say.

Sobe lifts a hand like she's calling for quiet, but I hope she doesn't mean me.

"C'mon," I tell Sobe tugging on her hand.

"Wait, Tonio," Miss Rivers says. "Sobe." She opens the car door.

Sobe pulls her hand away from mine. "Miss Pat…it's a short walk back to the school and my room."

Miss Pat is out now, looking from Sobe to me. "Whatever…do you mean?"

"We need the car. My car," Sobe says.

"You're not…neither of you are licensed drivers," Miss Pat says.

I start to pull in then, I start to relax. I didn't expect this, least of all this, Sobe to take over the car, the wheel, just when I had that thought about Rivers and her claws always on it. It's like me, and Sobe Bell are connected.

"This is just a disaster," Miss Pat says. "I said I will drive you. You can't just go off with him…into the night. This isn't a novel, dear girl, it's your life."

"It's my life. Yes," Sobe says.

They have a little stare time then. I'm still cringing from Rivers saying, 'life,' with so much creepy flourish.

"Miss Rivers, it is a short walk to the school. They are serving a light dinner. You know so many people there. It will be a wonderful reunion for you," she says. "And you can use my room, of course."

"This is how it's done, my girl. This is how one's life is thrown away in an instant," Miss Rivers says snapping her fingers.

“What are you saying about her life? You don’t know me,” I say. She’s poisoning everyone against me.

Sobe widens the driver's door, and Miss Rivers is far enough out that Sobe gets between her and access to the wheel.

"C'mon, Tonio. You can drive this," she says, her back to Rivers.

“We don't need it,” I say. I planned to take Sobe around. There's the bus and streetcar, and I could run ten miles and not get tired long as she's with me.

But she's doing something here. She’s standing up to Rivers, and I don't want to be the one to ruin it. So I do what she says. I squeeze in between Sobe and the door, and that means Sobe has to move back some and so Miss Rivers has to move out of the way, and she's talking the whole time, but it couldn't mean less than it does. I can't even hear her anymore.

I get in that seat, warm from Miss Rivers' ass, and I get my hands on the wheel, and Sobe is saying something to that one, and then she's rounding the car, and she's in.

"Drive," she tells me, like my moll.

I ain't grinning, but I'm about as happy as I've been in over a year.

"Should we just leave her like this?" I say hoping to hell she won't disappoint me and change her mind.

"Yes," she says. "Her choice."

Damn with two a's. Don't get on Sobe Bell's bad side.

I take off then, a little rough, but it's no truck, that's for sure. Damn that first day Sheriff took us to jail in this fine piece of machinery, did ever I think I'd be driving it? Ulie should see this. Well, he'd shit himself.

"My God," Sobe whispers. "I did it. I told her."

"You were great," I say because she was so great.

"Great?" she says weakly.

"You wanna go back for her?" I say pulling out the other end of the alley.

"No," she says. It's a thready 'no,' but it's solid.

I look at her quick. "Kiss," I say.

She leans over and pulls me by both sides of my collar and lays one on me that curls my toes on the pedals. I try to turn my head so I can see the road but she doesn't let go or break that kiss, so I have to look out the corners of my eyes so we don't wreck.

Then she lets go and damn that was some kiss.

"You’re my dearest friend, that's all," she says folding her arms like Rivers is sitting on the dashboard. “And I love you,” she smiles.

I ain't even in this city anymore, or maybe I'm not on earth either. I got used to taking myself off someplace when I was in the school…yesterday and those other three-hundred-sixty-four. I got good at just leaving and going so far in my head I could look out my own nose. But this, I am driving Sheriff's Ford and Sobe is next to me. My Sobe! And she just told off Miss Rivers, and I almost feel sorry for that old nag, but not really since she said outright that Sobe was ruining her life with me.

Least we know how it is. Well, I knew she felt that way. Sobe didn't know.

We are driving. "You're a great driver!" Sobe says.

I look at her a few times and grin. It's not hard to drive in the city. You just watch for stop signs and stay over if another car comes and don't run over people.

"I'm hungry," I blurt cause all of a sudden I am about to die I'm so hungry. I am one year hungry, and it just hit me. I haven't been able to eat at all since I got out, and now, it's like starvation.

"I want fried chicken," I say to her.

"Oh there's a place, Tonio," she says. She sits forward, hands on the dash. "Let's see."

I have to make myself look at the road. I can barely stop looking at her. I can feel this smile on my face, this lifting of everything, my cheeks, the corners of my mouth, my eyes, my soul. There is something in me, a deep…thirst and…interest…and I'm alive.

I have so much to tell her. She doesn't know Ulie. She doesn't know anything I've been through, how it was, how it felt.

We only get a little lost, and she gets us there, and it's Friday night, and we pull up to a place, a tavern that serves the best chicken she says, and mashed potatoes and white or brown gravy.

I am laughing as I park that Ford. It handles like Tibby if she was an automobile and not a horse.

"Stay there," I say, and I go around the front of the car and open her door. I give her my hand, and she stands. I kiss her then, on the street, under a light, by a tree, and a car going by and honking and we stop then and laugh, and I slam her door and get my arm around her, and she fits perfectly on my side, and she has her arm around me. This is what it's like to feel things like love. And hope.

I want to tell her that, but we get in there, and it's warm and lit some and dark too, and music and laughter and lots of talk, and they show us to a booth, and we get in there same side.

"We want chicken," I tell the lady, and she says to slow down. She's just the water girl. She gives us both a glass, and I take mine and drink all of it.

"Thirsty?" Sobe says.

"Yeah," I say, then I realize she's just teasing me.

"We want chicken," I tell the next lady, and she gets it written down, and she takes off, and I have my arm around Sobe, and she lies back against my arm, and she's looking up at me.

I've got my cap in my back pocket, and I'm sitting on it, and she reaches and plays with my hair and the arm, not around her, I've got that hand free so I hold to the ends of her hair and I have to be careful not to let the side of my wrist lay on her breast, and it's so near. But as for her hair, I'm getting used to it being bobbed, and she's so pretty it don't matter as much as I thought, and we've got years to grow it.

"She didn’t mean what she said," she whispers, but I hear her very well.

That about ruins it…making me think of River’s words.

“She means it,” I say.

“She just…she worries about…she wants good things for me, Tonio. She does.”

“I’ll put it straight. You don’t think I’m ‘good things?’”

“Those were her words, not mine.”

“She like the guy on the bus? He ‘good things?’”

"What?" she says.

Then they come with a big tray and so much food I think it must be for the people and us all along this row. But it's just ours, two big plates of piled crispy chicken and a mountain of white potatoes and a pool of brown gravy and green beans with bacon and applesauce and biscuits and butter.

After they leave, Sobe looks at me. “I think you are the best thing,” she says.

“Best thing,” I repeat. “For you?”

She don’t answer right off. She’s looking at me and a million pictures of what she’s thinking flash behind her eyes.

“Forget this,” I say making like she should scoot out of the booth and let me get free.

“No, Tonio,” she says hanging onto my arm, trying to hold me there.

“You say the word, I’m gone, and you won’t see me anymore,” I say. All talk. Big talk.

We are looking at each other, into each other. “Best thing, Tonio. Best thing,” she says, and I hear it. The sadness. She means it. But it’s her way and not mine. That’s what I know as I turn to that food. I’m not hungry anymore. I’m lost.

After that, she talks a lot, all the time, making words to fill the spaces because I’m not saying much. "You look up…and you can't believe that human beings painted it, Tonio. Oh, you have to see it someday. I studied it…the detail…it's not as big as I expected but it's even more overwhelming…but still it's like a dream. It's more rectangular, and the front part is blue, and the figures, Michelangelo, Tonio, he's…well you have to see it," she says. "And you get this sense everything is old. So much older than here. It weighs on you, Tonio.

"And the Italians…when you see them they aren't like us here. Being in America does something, Tonio, it makes us think more of ourselves. They are different from one another, in looks and speech. And I could see you, Tonio, your heritage, I could see you there, but you're much prouder. Bolder. Oh, everywhere I was looking for someone just like you. But there's no one like you. No one."

She’s good at this, making you think she’s telling you something, sharing herself, when she isn’t sharing anything about herself. Or the truth.

But I go along.

We walk beside the river, get up on the bridge and look over the side. It's calmer than when I crossed earlier. A train goes by, and I hold onto her, and her head falls back. I've never kissed anywhere but her lips and her hand. But not on her body. Kissing her neck, it's warm, even though it's cold, and she responds, and it breaks me more, then I feel mad.

I'm older than I meant to be. I'm not like when I went in. But what I am with her, in this dark place that scares the shit out of her and only makes me braver, what I am is something close to a man. I think I am.

I set her on the rail of the bridge, the black fence, and below is the water and behind is the sky and the river stretching out into the black horizon, and I got a hand on each side of her, and she's holding onto my arms.

"You make me fearless," she says, and she's laughing, and she puts her head back and back, and I step in between her legs, work my way in there, and her dress pulls up, and I have my arms around her waist, and I'm holding her to me and she goes back, and she spreads out her arms, and my hands slide up her back as she dips back and she's looking up and out and then beyond as she locks her legs around me.

And I hold her there, and she's weightless, and my feet anchor us and my legs against the fence keep us from going over the side, from tumbling through the night sky but maybe that’s exactly what I want to do.

I am leaning over her, and she looks around, and I look at her, a different point of view. I am sober, and it’s like this, inside I know. She is leaving me. She has left while I was gone…she went away.