Deep (22 page)

“I know,” he said softly, holding me in his arms. And it seemed for a second as if he
did
know, as if he was as horrified by the corruption and cruelty around him as I was.

He led me up the stairs and into his bathroom. He undressed me slowly, almost tenderly, moving my limbs and adjusting me until I stood naked, toes buried in the plush bath rug.

The shower felt shockingly hot against my skin, needles burning into me—and then Philip was there, blocking the spray with his large body. His hands were covered in soap, and he ran them over my cold skin, washing me. Cleaning me. Leaving no part of me untouched.

Blunt fingers slid through the slick folds of my sex, fondling my clit until it throbbed. Black fog kept me from thinking too much, but in a detached way I could feel my body responding, readying itself.

The invasion was wide and fast, my thighs spread by his palms, my back against tile, my sex pulsing around his thick erection. I cried out in shock and denial and relief.

He pressed damp kisses to my neck, my shoulder, the tops of my breasts. “I know,” he murmured again. “It’s hard at first. You’ll get used to it. It won’t hurt so much.”

Except I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted. It
should
hurt to see someone being hurt—whether that person was a nameless girl in blackmail photos or the innocent sister of a man caught up with the mafia. It wasn’t better to be numb, but somehow I already was.

He pulled back and thrust in, deeper this time—and I cried out again in pain at the invasion, the sharp stretch of him, the control. My feet weren’t even on the ceramic anymore. He held them up and lifted my entire body for every thrust, levering me to bring the most pleasure for his cock.

My eyes met his—and I don’t know what he saw in me. The fear? The desperation?

Whatever it was, something snapped inside him. He fucked me with renewed intensity, his cock slamming into me, his body slapping against mine, the water easing his way deep inside me while I fought to survive the storm.

He came with a shudder and a groan that echoed around me.

Large hands gripped my flesh, leaving bruises on the insides of my legs. When his body jerked and grew still, he remained like that, heaving his breaths, holding me open.

“Philip?” I whispered.

“No,” he said, his voice unsteady.

He unclenched his hand from one thigh, and I winced as my leg fell to the tiled floor. Then his free hand was on my clit, rubbing me—he wasn’t tender anymore. He was hard on me, almost furious with me. He drew tight circles around my clit until I clenched his softening cock.

“That’s right,” he muttered. “You pull my seed up inside you. Don’t let a drop out, kitten.”

“Why?” I said, breathless, but I already knew. I wanted him to tell me the dark, forbidden words.

His hand moved up to my stomach—still flat. “I’m going to make this round with my seed. You’ll be tied to me body and soul. I’ll give you everything you want, but I’ll never let you leave.”

My body strung up tight at the words—somehow sweet when they filtered through my mind. Was that broken of me? Had the events years ago damaged me beyond repair, that I wanted a man like him? Or was I born this way, desperate for someone to capture me and not let go? That was a question for the textbooks—right here and right now, all I felt was a soul-deep satisfaction.

His fingers moved back to my clit, circling and rubbing until I came—a tight climax this time, a tensing of my entire body, muscles sore and aching when it passed.

I shifted, trying to disentangle myself, but he stopped me. “Again,” he said.

“I can’t. I’ve already come twice.”

“
Again.
”

And I didn’t have a choice, one leg still held up by him, his cock still inside me, his fingers at my clit. He played with me until I rocked my hips against the tile and begged for another, and then another, and then another. When I had orgasmed five times, keeping all his seed inside me, he pulled away—and the shower’s warm caress cleaned us both.

He dried me with a towel while I stood, barely breathing. And then he carried me to the bed, where he wrapped his body around me. I’d been protected by armed men tonight, by steel and brick and bulletproof glass tonight. But it was only in the shelter of his body that I finally felt safe.

I’m going to make this round with my seed. You’ll be tied to me body and soul.

It was a game, wasn’t it? Something kinky and dark, like Philip. He wouldn’t really want me pregnant, wouldn’t really want to be tied to me. Except he’d said I was his, forever. I wasn’t on birth control and he wasn’t using protection. It could really happen…

I was always coming for you, kitten. You were always mine.

Maybe physically. Emotional intimacy was another matter. It was as if the closer he got to me, the more he cared about me, the more determined he was to push me away. I couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he ever fell in love with me—he’d probably lock me in the basement.

“Am I really yours?” I whispered into the dark. “Are you really going to keep me?”

“Of course you’re mine,” he said roughly. “You always have been, from the moment I saw you. I think you knew that, even then.”

Something held him back, though. Something deep inside. “Is it Shelly?”

He stilled, perhaps surprised. “What?”

“It’s okay,” I rushed to reassure him. It hurt, but I didn’t blame him. She was beautiful and smart. I was half in love with her myself. “I know how you felt about her. That you…loved her.”

His arm tensed around me, a steel band, his body a concrete wall behind me. “Maybe I did love her, in a way. And I loved her more that she brought you to me. But she has nothing to do with this, here, now.”

“Then why?” I asked, my voice small, pride turned translucent with tears. I was losing him, had already lost him—he was never really mine. And even while I knew that was for the best, that he was too cruel, too terrifying, to ever really trust, my heart mourned the loss.

“Fuck.” He rolled to his back, leaving cool air between us. “I wanted Shelly because she was experienced. She knew how it would work between us. I thought that would be enough.”

And then she had married someone else. Maybe that should make me glad, considering my own ache, but I loved Philip too much to want him unhappy.
Loved him.

Maybe I always had, even as a broken little girl. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“She didn’t break my heart, kitten.” The word
kitten
wasn’t a caress this time. It was a whip, fast and sharp. “You did. Just by being here, so fucking vulnerable, so damn hopeful. It hurts me just to look at you.”

That sounded horrible and somehow sweet. “Then why—”

“I’m not a saint, Ella.”

My heart beat faster, and I turned to face him. His features were set in shadows, a nose bent by violence and lips that had kissed my body with gentleness. He stared at the ceiling.

“I know that, Philip. I know you.”

“Do you?” His expression darkened. “Do you know about the girl I knocked up?”

My throat tightened. Knocked up? He had come inside me again and again. I had believed he would support me if I’d gotten pregnant, that he would have stood by me, but there was no child in his life now. “What happened?”

“There was a girl I was seeing,” he said gruffly. “When I was building my reputation as a problem solver, even before I got custody of Rose. It started off just fucking around. Stress relief with a girl down the street. I told you I wasn’t a saint.”

“I’m not judging you,” I said softly.

“You will.” He sighed, gathering me close, as if he needed my warmth, my comfort, to tell the rest of the story. “Then it got serious between us. And she got pregnant. It was an accident, at the time. I wasn’t ready for that, didn’t have anything to offer. I wanted to do right by her.”

Of course he did. “What happened next?”

“I asked to marry her. She said no.” His large body tensed. “Maybe she was worried I’d knock her around like my old man. Or maybe she just didn’t like the criminal shit I was into. I don’t fucking blame her.”

I rubbed my hand across his chest, imagining a young Philip trying to be responsible, to be loving. That was what love meant to him: protection, money. Power, before he really had any.

“She married some other guy at the construction company where I worked during the day. Honest enough guy. I never even knew if he thought the baby was his or what she told him. She said it was how she wanted it to be, and I didn’t want to fuck that up for her. And hell, a baby would be better off without me for a father.”

“No,” I whispered.

“It didn’t matter.” His voice had gotten raw. “She went into labor early. Too early. She lost the baby and then bled out on a cot in some fucking third ward hospital.”

“Oh my God.”

“I didn’t even know until the next day, when I went to my shift at the construction site.”

“Oh Philip. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, Ella. Don’t you fucking dare. That’s the kind of man I am, the kind who wants to get you pregnant, the kind who can’t protect you if you are.”

My heart seized. It was my greatest hope and my darkest fear mixed together.

“I never would have gotten Shelly pregnant,” he said. “It wasn’t like that with her, with
anyone.
I never thought I would want that again. And then you were there, so fucking pretty. So soft and scared even though you tried not to be. The world could break you, kitten. I could break you.”

My heart twisted. “You wouldn’t.”

“You really think that?” His voice hardened. “You’re wrong. I dream about breaking you. About shackling you to me. About keeping you hidden, so no one gets to look at you but me.”

I swallowed hard, afraid and a little aroused. “No,” I whispered.

“That’s why I stayed away from you for so long, kitten. Because I cared about you. Because I fucking love you, and you deserve better than this.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

W
HEN
I
WOKE
again, the curtains had been drawn apart, revealing the night sky. My mind was half in dreamland, with fire and shadows, a deep cave where I was Persephone and Philip a mocking king of the underworld. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Maybe the backward sleep schedule was getting to me. Or maybe I had spent too much time with my mythology studies textbook.

School felt like light-years away from where I was now, in Philip’s house—in Philip’s bed. All the things I’d worked so hard for: a normal life, a family.

Light-years away.

And I was alone. The sheets were cool when I smoothed my palm across the indentation left by his body. He had been here, but he’d managed to leave without waking me. Either he was stealthy or I had been dead tired. Probably both.

I turned my head to the adjoining bathroom, but the door was cracked open and inside was dark. Not there either. He must be downstairs, maybe brooding in his study or on the phone with the men who had come with us to visit the judge yesterday. This was my life now, guns and liquor and sex.

Right now I was at least trying to get my brother back, but when this was over, I would leave. I would go back to my old life, to my endless search for family, for safety.

Would Philip keep watching me?

Would he keep sending me blank postcards?

I didn’t think so. The mother of his child had died. His own mother. Neither had been his fault, but he blamed himself. And he would never get close to another woman—never allow himself to fall in love. Even when he tried to get me pregnant, there was distance between us—the way he took the choice away from me. The way he forced me.

Tonight was the ransom exchange. There’d be no reason I couldn’t go back then.

I would never see him again.

Unless I was pregnant. He would stay with me, support me, if that happened. I knew that in my soul. Was that why he came inside me without protection? Was that why he was so bent on making me pregnant?

Was it the only way he knew how to bind me to him?

A hot shower soothed away the rest of my dream, but it also brought me fully awake. My brother could be injured. He could be…well, I couldn’t think about that now. The important thing was to get him back. Then we could deal with whatever trauma he had been through, together. I would be there for him the way he had been there for me. Our relationship had never really gotten close, even though he had been the only one to care about me after my “ordeal.” But I already knew how ill-equipped my parents were to deal with this. And the professional therapists, for that matter. Whatever had happened to him, I would help him. In some ways, he was the only family I had, the only person who actually considered me family back.

A drawer in Philip’s dresser was half-opened, and I could see the shirts and jeans that I’d been wearing. He must have moved them in here. My eyebrows went up. Getting my own drawer. In most relationships that was a big step. I wasn’t sure what it meant in one as impossible as ours.

I dressed and brushed my hair, determined to prepare myself mentally for whatever I would see that night. And then there was nothing left to do, no way left to delay the inevitable.

I went to the door and turned the knob—

Locked.

For a minute I didn’t understand. I didn’t
want
to understand. I jiggled the knob and turned it harder—nothing. I shook the handle and rattled the door. Panic grew in my chest, expanding like a balloon—stealing all the air so I didn’t have any left to breathe.

No, hold yourself together.

I didn’t have a choice. I
had
to hold myself together or I’d be trapped in this room…

That wasn’t helping.

“Philip,” I managed to say, though it came out a little breathy.

I had made it through being kidnapped, being chained to bathroom pipes. I had made it through being assaulted in a swanky hotel penthouse. I could make it through this. Somewhere deep inside I found some untapped strength and used it to straighten my body, to breathe in deep.