Deep (9 page)

He went down to his quarters, passing Harvey on the way.

“Hey, Doc, you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you,” Sean said, sweat pouring down his face.

“You sure? You don’t look so good.”

“Yes. Are you going to the mess?”

“Getting there quick before Kyle puts one of those goddamn documentaries on again. You wanna come?”

“Maybe later. I need to get some rest.” He watched Harvey continue down the corridor.

He hadn’t told the others he was going yet. He’d do that in the morning. It wouldn’t give them a lot of time to take in the news, but that suited him better. His head was starting to feel fuzzy, and he had to brace himself against the door to his quarters. When he opened it he could barely stand.

He looked to his bed and frowned, his logic already lost to the morphine. “Captain?” he said as he fell forward.

WHEN SEAN CAME to he wasn’t in his room. He looked around until he realized where he was: the captain’s room. He wasn’t alone, either. Kyle was hovering by the door, talking to the captain or being lectured by him, Sean couldn’t tell which. The captain flexed his shoulders and turned to Sean.

“What’s happening?” Sean croaked.

“You passed out.”

“Why am I in your room?”

Joel looked at Kyle and rolled his eyes. “Take it easy, Doc, nothing untoward is happening. Your bed is like sleeping on a pile of sticks, and we figured there wasn’t much point carrying you back to the infirmary. You can have my room until you’re on your feet.”

“I need to pack my things.”

“Yeah, about that. Thing is, we’re going to be diving deeper soon and, well, it would be putting the rest of the crew at risk if we let our medic waltz off in one of our dinghies. Ship has you—and them—for a purpose, and given that you don’t appear to be dying, I say you both stay here.”

Sean would never put the crew at risk, but he knew this was not about safety. Joel was just being difficult.

“You can’t keep me here.”

“Doc, you signed on for a third season. You committed to my ship and crew. I can pull the paperwork if you want to see it.”

Sean closed his eyes in despair.

“You need anything before I get back to work?”

“No.”

“Good. You get some beauty sleep.”

SEAN WAS WOKEN by a light banging on the door. Getting out of bed was the hardest part of each day. The movement felt like his insides were being ripped apart. When he was in the infirmary Harvey had been on hand to help; now, alone, he couldn’t even get himself upright.

“Come in,” he croaked.

The door opened and Joel came in, whistling happily. He was only wearing a towel around his waist. His body was still covered in droplets of water from the shower.

“Sorry, Doc, need to get some clothes for the day. I’ll just be a minute. Sleep well?”

Sean had to force himself to look away. Heat rose in his cheeks. “Yes, thank you.”

The captain discarded his towel and donned his trousers. Sean kept his eyes fixed at the ceiling. He knew Joel was trying to tease him—it was what the captain did—and Sean was trying desperately, with all parts of his body, not to rise to it.

“You getting up any time soon?”

“Hopefully,” Sean replied. He knew he needed a shower himself, and his bladder was starting to ache, making his stomach hurt even more than normal.

Joel looked at him. “You’re stuck, aren’t you?”

“No,” Sean said. He was a terrible liar.

“Get up, then.”

“Fine, I can’t. I’m stuck here and I can’t move. Is that what you want to hear?”

Joel stepped toward the bed. “I’d prefer ‘Hey, Captain, can you give me a hand up’, but we’ll do things your way. Hold on to me,” he said, presenting his naked chest.

“It’s fine; I can do it myself.”

“Sean, shut up and grab a hold of me.”

With difficulty, Sean put his arms around Joel’s neck. Pain coursed up his body as Joel lifted him out of the bed. He gasped, and Joel moved slower. He helped Sean to his feet, but kept his arms around him, holding him up.

“Right. Where we going, Doc?”

Sean was about to argue, but his legs wobbled and he realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere without Joel’s help. “Toilet,” he said, trying to ignore the clear embarrassment in his voice. “Quickly, please.”

Getting to the toilet was easy. Getting into the small cubicle with Joel holding him up was much harder. The proximity of the captain was making him giddy. He was sure Joel knew that the intimacy was affecting Sean, but he did nothing that could have been interpreted as inappropriate. He got Sean braced against the wall and then waited outside so Sean could have a little privacy.

“You done, Doc?” he shouted after a few minutes.

“Yes, thank you.” Sean adjusted his clothing and allowed Joel to help him out of the cubicle.

“You want to take a shower or anything?”

The thought of standing in the shower with Joel nearly made him collapse.

“Uh, no, I don’t.... I think.... I’m okay, thank you.”

Joel’s lips twitched with amusement. “Okay, where to now?”

“Back to bed. I can make it.” Sean pushed him away, but fell on his first step.

Joel caught him with ease and carried him back. He placed Sean on the bed, covering his legs with a blanket. The tenderness was unbearable.

“So, breakfast?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Come on. Surely I don’t have to tell you that you need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Sean,” Joel said, reaching toward Sean’s face.

Sean stopped him, pushing his hand away before it could make contact. “What are you doing?”

With a sigh, Joel stepped back. “Trying to take care of you.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” Joel twisted his lips, struggling to get out his next words. “I-I care about you. I care about you a lot and I want to care for you.”

A pang of guilt surged through Sean. He’d never expected Joel to be so open with his feelings. He thought the captain would try to ignore what had happened between them, or discard it as a moment of madness. He should have remembered that Joel never made anything easy for him.

“Captain, Joel, I....” Sean toyed with the blanket. “I meant what I said. What happened that night was a mistake.”

Joel gave him a challenging look. “You don’t find me attractive, is that it?”

“It’s not that.” It definitely wasn’t that. “I just don’t want to do this. I don’t want you to care for me and I’d be grateful if you stopped.”

Joel looked bemused. “You want me to stop caring about you?”

“Yes, please.”

“Sorry, Doc, you kind of stirred up a lot of deep feelings I didn’t even realize I had. I’m not sure I can simply cut them out. Not sure I want to, either.”

“I’d be grateful if you could try for the remainder of the voyage, since I’m stuck here.” Sean fixed him with his most serious look. “If you do care about me, then that would be the caring thing to do.”

“So, what? You don’t want any help, even when you need it?”

“The help is fine, as long as we understand that nothing further will happen between us. Romantically, I mean.”

Joel folded his arms. “I see. So you don’t want to pick up where we left off, then?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You sure about that? You seemed mighty flustered when I had my arms around you.”

Sean’s face reddened. “I assure you that was exertion. It had nothing to do with you.”

Joel shrugged, clearly not believing a word. He got up and leaned over Sean. “I tell you what: if you can keep your hands off me, I’ll keep my hands off you.” He gave Sean a wink as he left.

Sean rested on the bed. His senses were tingling. He’d always had a weakness for Joel, but after breaking his abstinence the attraction was unbearable. And it would be so easy to give in. Why did Joel have to be so levelheaded about all this? Why did he have to be so accepting and inviting?

Sean straightened his shoulders and concentrated on being determined. He could resist. He would resist.

JOEL SHAVED AT Sean’s sink. Despite the uncomfortable bed, he was enjoying staying in Sean’s room. Being surrounded by Sean’s things, as few as they were, was like being close to the doc. He washed the shaving foam from his face. He was using Sean’s toiletries, and the scent was driving him crazy. He toyed with the idea of sticking his hands in his pants and screaming Sean’s name while he jacked himself. The thought of Sean hearing him through the wall aroused him more than he anticipated. He was hard instantly, and even if he could have willed it away, he didn’t want to. But he didn’t want to scare the doc off, either.

He settled for a quiet, subtle release. Slipping his hand into his pants, he moved it quickly, biting down the groan that tried to escape through his lips. All his thoughts circled around Sean, fueling his urges. He brought himself to a steady, satisfying climax, spilling his seed over his hand as he muttered Sean’s name over and over. The release had made him breathless and brought color to his cheeks.

He cleaned himself up, eager to check on the doc. When he made it into his own quarters, Sean was sitting upright in bed—Joel’s bed. The sight was nearly enough to tip Joel over. The boy was looking better, too. His eyes seemed brighter, probably from another good night’s rest.

“Good morning,” Joel said, unable to contain his good mood.

Sean gave him a weak smile. Joel chose to ignore it.

“So, how’s about we get you down to the mess for breakfast?”

“I think it would be easier to stay here,” Sean said.

Joel put his hands on his hips, scrutinizing the doc. “You need a hand getting to the bathroom or anything?”

“No, I think I can manage it today. Thank you.”

“You know the rest of the crew have been asking about you.”

Sean’s face froze. He looked scared.

“Good things, Doc. They miss you. Maybe you’re up for visitors.”

“I need to rest,” Sean said. “But pass on my gratitude for all their help.”

Joel tried not to retaliate to the annoying resistance to his suggestions. “Right. I’ll go and do some captainy duties, then.”

“Yes, I’m sure you’re very busy.” Sean turned away, ending their conversation.

Joel stepped out of the room and scratched his head. It wasn’t like the doc to be so abrupt. He could bumble his way through a conversation, but he always meant well. Now Joel got the distinct impression Sean didn’t want to be with the rest of the crew. What he didn’t understand was why.

He bumped into Selena on his way to the mess. “Hey, do me a favor; take the doc some food, would you?” he said. There were reasons he needed a crew; sometimes one man on his own was not enough.

SEAN PULLED HIMSELF out of bed and took a walk around the room. The pain was more manageable, and if he needed to, he could get to the bathroom by himself. With nothing better to do, he picked up one of Joel’s books and settled down on the bed. He’d almost finished the second chapter when there was a knock at the door.

He sighed in annoyance. “Joel, really, I’m fine. I just need some sleep.”

But it wasn’t Joel. Selena poked her head inside. “Does that mean I have to go, too? I brought breakfast.”

He didn’t want company, but he could never turn her away. Selena was a little ray of sunshine in the Deep. She was always so happy and easygoing. If Sean turned her away it would hurt her feelings, and that was the last thing he wanted.

“No, please come in. Is everything okay?”

She skipped inside, resting his oatmeal on his lap. “Oh everything is dandy,” she said with a big grin, and took the only chair in the room. “You look good, Seanie. You got the color back in your cheeks. How’s the war wound?”

“Getting better. Thank you for helping with the surgery. You did a very good job.”

“I didn’t do much. It was mostly Kyle.”

“I’m sure he couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Hey, Sean, I don’t want to be pushy or anything, but when are you going to be well enough to come back to the infirmary? I need you to check something.”

His doctoring instinct kicked in. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Just a rash where I don’t think there should be a rash. It started shortly after leave. Itches something chronic.”

Sean sighed. “Selena, what have I told you? You have to be more careful. There are some serious illnesses out there. Some of them deadly.”

“I know, I know, but, honestly, he looked clean.”

And David didn’t look like a psychopath
.

“There’s some cream in a pink tube on the second shelf of my cabinet. Use that; it will help with the itching. When I can make it back to the infirmary I’ll sort out some antibiotics. And while you’re there, pick up some condoms, okay?” He wondered what would happen to Selena when he was gone. She was so carefree sometimes she was dangerous, and he worried that, without someone keeping an eye on her, she might get herself into serious trouble.

“I will, I promise. Thanks, Seanie. What would I do without you?” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “So, you and the captain, huh? I am so happy for you. You’re both so right for each other. I always worried about the captain being on this boat all by himself, and I worried about you, too. You are perfect together. So perfect.”

This was exactly what Sean wanted to avoid, but he couldn’t let her think there was something going on. “No, you’ve got it wrong. There is no me and the captain. That’s not.... I mean.... There isn’t anything going on.”

“Sean, you’re getting flustered.”

“You’re right. I think I need to get some sleep,” he said. “Would you mind?”

She was taken aback, but not offended. “‘Course not. Can I get you anything before I go?”

“No, thank you.”

He watched her leave and exhaled in relief. It was exactly as he’d expected. They were all talking about him. Things would never be the same again.

JOEL SAT IN the cockpit thinking over what Selena had told him. He watched as a shoal of violet herrings floated around the ship. The Deep was oblivious to everything; whatever happened on the ship would not affect the fish. He only wished the doc would realize that, too. The boy was so preoccupied with what had happened that he had locked himself away from everything he cared about. He was blindsided by his own paranoia, and it was driving him off the ship.