Deceptive Changes: Kat LaMond Book 1 (55 page)

“Did you kill the seer?” If she wasn’t already dead, I wanted to kill her myself.

“No.  Part of the deal when you ask for her help, is to never touch her, even after we leave.  I thought about tracking her down and slicing her up but it would do no good.  She wasn’t stupid and she moved every so often, never staying in one place too long.”

I swallowed and wiped at the tears.  “How did you survive without turning into the same monster you killed?” 

“You.  I kept you in mind the whole time.  My life previous to that decade was the past and in it were things I’d rather not think about.  You, however, were my future and I kept that in mind while vile things were done to my body.  I was mentally strong, even as a human, but what I endured was because of the hope you would bring into my life.”  He lifted my head with a hand under my chin and kissed me softly.

“Make me forget, Katja,” he whispered against my lips.  “Make me forget with your body, your blood, everything you can give me.”  He ran his hands along the sides of my face.  I kissed his lips softly, tenderly, and ran my hand down the side of his chest.  “Please,” he whispered.  I nodded and slid down his body.

He sat up and stripped off his shirt.  I pressed my hand against his naked chest and pushed him against the bed.  Kneeling beside him, I ran a hand along his perfect skin.  I followed my hand with my lips, giving him feather light kisses until I had covered his whole chest with my kisses.  I left a necklace of kisses around his neck and ran my fingers along his face, into his hair.  So soft, like satin.  I kissed his arms down to his fingertips.

I slipped off the suit coat and blouse and tossed them to the floor.  I ran my upper body over his and looked into his eyes.  They were vulnerable, trusting.  I swallowed hard.  Please don’t let me hurt him, I prayed. 

I stripped out of my skirt and started to take off the corset.  He stopped me gently and said, “Leave it on.”  I nodded and smiled.  He dropped his hand.  I ran my body along his like a cat and slipped my hands down to his jeans.  I unsnapped his jeans and he helped slide them off.  His beautiful, pale body was laid bare for me.

I kissed his feet, ankles, calves, knees, and ended at his groin but I didn’t touch him.  I kissed around his groin until I was at his neck and ran my tongue along the tender flesh of his neck to his lips and kissed him gently. 

He pulled me closer and kissed me passionately, then we separated.  “Take my blood, Haven,” I whispered against his lips and moved back to expose my neck.  His hands wound around the back of my neck and pulled me closer.  He kissed me gently and ran his tongue along the flesh.  I shuddered with pleasure. 

He bit me lightly before his fangs slipped into my skin and I moaned softly as he took my blood into his body.  I cried out softly as he turned his bite.  His arms tightened around me as I whispered his name and cried out again. 

He pulled back and looked at me.  A drop of blood plopped onto his chest.  I wiped it with my finger and ran it across his lips.  He licked them and the blood.  I wiped the rest of the blood from my neck and stuck my finger in my mouth.  He moaned and kissed me.  I sighed into his mouth as I slid my tongue along his fangs, cutting it open.  He ate gently at my mouth and ran his hands up and down my back.

We pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes.  I could still see the pain and my heart broke at the sight.  Tears welled into my eyes.  I blinked repeatedly to stop the tears but they kept coming.  “I’m sorry,” I whispered and tried to keep the tears away for the pain I felt for him.

He smiled gently and wiped the tears from my eyes.  “Never be sorry for your emotions, Katja,” he murmured.  He kissed me again and then let me go.  I slid down his body slowly and kissed my way to his groin.  I pulled him into my mouth slowly, deliberately, and sucked lightly.  His hands tightened at his side and he moaned for me.

I suckled him and used teeth, tongue, and mouth to bring him.  As he orgasmed he used my touch to bring me with him.  I let him go and cried out.  The orgasm didn’t stop since I was still touching his body.  I cried out again and again.  He stopped bringing me and I laid my head gently on his body.  I breathed in his scent and kissed his leg.

I slid up his body when I had my breath under control and kissed him.  I pulled back and looked into his eyes.  Less pain but it was still there.  I wanted desperately to take that pain away and I didn’t know how.  I floundered inside my head, trying to figure a way to take his pain away for good.  “I can’t take your pain away, Haven.  I don’t know how,” I whispered sadly.  Tears sprang to my eyes again.  I curled my head against his neck and cried again. 

He caressed my arm and side and murmured, “Shh, it’s okay, Katja.”

I sniffled against his neck.  “It’s not okay, Haven.  I’m so sorry,” I whispered against him.

He sat up with me in his arms and ‘shh’d’ me, cradling me in his strong arms.  “I’m so sorry,” I said again and kept repeating it until I stopped talking altogether.  I was still crying softly.  What was wrong with me?  Was I that much in love with him?  Was his pain my pain now?  Was there any way to get past this pain?  Could I really take his pain away?  Will I ever be able to take his pain away?  A thousand questions crawled through my brain and I had zero answers for them.

“You endured this…this horrible affair just to find out your future?  And it’s my fault that you had to stay with that horrible woman.  If I knew who she was, I’d kill her myself,” I whispered harshly as anger filled me.  Anger was better than pain. 

“Stop, Katja.  It’s over and done.  Just because I chose to find out my future, that was all me, you were not the cause of what I endured.  You kept me sane throughout.  Just the opportunity to meet you, to be with you, all of that sustained me, and now I’m with you.  Please don’t tear yourself up for my choices.”  He kissed my head and held me tighter against him.

I pressed my lips against his neck and whispered, “I love you so much, Haven.  Your choices are my choices, now.  Your pain is my pain.”  I stopped talking and kissed his neck again. 

“Oh, Katja,” he whispered.  “Please don’t do this.  Please?” 

I pulled back and asked, “Don’t do what?  Fall in love with you?  Make your pain mine?  I’m already in love with you.  Your pain is already mine.”

“Oh, God, Katja.  Please,” he whispered softly.  I didn’t know what he was saying ‘please’ to. 

“I don’t understand what you’re asking, Haven.”

“Please don’t love me,” he whispered. 

I pulled back in shock.  “I’m already there, Haven.  There’s nothing I can do about it.  I can’t take it away.  I love you and that’s that.”

“I…”  He leaned his head against mine and kissed the corner of my eye.  He pulled me back and looked in my eyes.  “I’ve done things that are horrible.” 

I stopped him with two fingers against his lips.  “Hold on, Haven.  I’ve done horrible things too.  You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“Tell me about it then.”  His eyes turned silver as I watched. 

“No, change your eyes back.  I want to make sure you know what I’ve done and you can’t hide from it.”  His eyes changed back.  “I’ve killed after I’ve seduced the vampire.  I killed Antreas even though I loved him.  I’ve killed ruthlessly to keep those I love safe.  I’ve run away from those I love because I didn’t think they could handle it.  I’ve attempted to kill two vampires that I love,” I said softly but with intensity.  “I’ve done things that no normal person should ever have to deal with.  I love six men.  I want to make them all happy and I don’t know how.  I’ve opened old wounds that were better left alone.  I’ve…” I paused and searched my brain for more examples.  “I’ve lied to the men I love.  I’ve wreck two vehicles.”  Haven chuckled softly.  “I’ve hurt those that I love because I take my job as ‘enforcer’ seriously.” I pointed to the tattoo on my right arm.  “The list can go on and on, Haven.  We’ve all done things that we aren’t proud of.  We’ve all done things that we wish we didn’t have to.  If you’re a horrible person, than I’m even more horrible.  I’ve never given my life over to someone and prayed that I’d get out of it alive.  I’ve never sacrificed something that I hold dear, including my life.”  I stopped talking and closed my eyes.

Haven kissed me gently and said, “I sacrificed what I did because I needed to know.  I couldn’t live my life the way I was without serious damage to my mental health.”

“You sacrificed ten years of your life.  You lived the way you needed to in order to survive.  I can’t hold that against you, Haven.”  I kissed his cheek softly.

“You don’t know the half of it, Katja,” he said quietly. 

“And, at this moment, Haven, I don’t care what you’ve done.  It won’t change how I feel about you.  I’ll say the words again and again and hopefully one day you’ll know that I’m telling you the truth.  I love you, Haven.  I will always love you even as I lay dying.  You’re mine, you will always be mine no matter what happens,” I said softly as my eyes filled with tears again.  I wiped the tears away and looked into his blue eyes.  His blue eyes weren’t pain-filled anymore.  He had joy in his eyes and tears falling down his face.  I stroked his face and kissed the tears away.  “I love you, Haven, my ice-blue eyed vampire,” I whispered against his lips.  I kissed him gently and tightened my hold around his shoulders.  He opened his mouth for me and slid his tongue into my mouth. 

A high grade sizzle went through me as our tongues met.  I pulled back and choked on a breath.  “What was that?” 

He looked at me and smiled.  “That was all you, Katja.”

“What does that mean?”  I didn’t know what the sizzle meant.  I hadn’t ever felt it that strong before.  When we first kissed there was an electric shock that ran across our lips but nothing like this.  It was like being touched by a live wire, not that I have any idea what it feels like, but I was betting it felt something like our kiss did.

“You tied me to your fate,” he said with a small smile. 

I paled.  The blood left my head so fast that I was dizzy and almost passed out.  “No,” I whispered.  Why would I do something like that?  How could I do something like that to him?  I already bound Sven and Thorn to me and I was afraid that I was going to take them to the grave with me.  “Please, no,” I cried softly.  “You’re going to die with me.  How horrible a person am I?  Sven and Thorn are bound to me also and I’m afraid that all of you will die with me.  I can’t have that.  You can’t die with me.”  I was desperate to change it back.  I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying because I was human and going to die some day.

“I will happily die with you, Katja,” he said quietly. 

I pulled away from him and stood up.  I paced his bedroom.  There had to be a way out of this, a way to change it back. 

I was on my third trip when Haven’s arms wrapped around me, holding me tight.  “Let me go, Haven.  I have to change this.  You can’t die.  I couldn’t bear you dying because I’m human.  You’ve lived for however long you’ve lived and now you could die the moment I die.  I can’t have that.  We need to change this.” 

He stopped me with kisses.  “Don’t, Katja,” he whispered when he pulled back.  “I’m happy now.  I’ve wanted this since I met you.”

I started to cry again.  “No, I can’t have you dying with me.  Please, no,” I wailed softly.  I freed myself from his arms and sank to the ground.  I curled against his legs and cried, hard and filled with all the pain I felt at tying him to my human fate.  He sank to his knees and held me while I cried.  My tears dried up but my heart was still broken.  I couldn’t bear the pain I felt. 

“Katja,” he whispered.  “Look at me.  Please?”  I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.  They were his human eyes.  I whimpered as I looked into his eyes.  The happiness I saw in them made my heart break further.  I didn’t know my heart could break any more but it did. 

“Don’t be happy about this, Haven.  You’re going to die if, when, I die.  I don’t even think turning into a vampire is an option because when my heart stops you might die with it.  Those that are already tied to me might die along with my heart.  I can’t have that.  Please.  We have to undo this somehow,” I pleaded.

He shook me and said my name angrily.  “Don’t.  I want this and I am damn happy about it.  I will be with you, that’s all that matters.  Be happy that I’m tied to you.  Be happy that I love you.”  My broken heart clenched at his words.  He loved me.  I should have been happy but I couldn’t get past the pain.  I couldn’t breathe.  “Breathe, Katja, breathe.”  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Haven wrapped his hand in my hair and bent my head back.  He kissed my windpipe and ran his tongue along the flesh.  He kissed the pulse on the left side of my neck and slid his fangs into my skin.  I could feel my blood pump into his mouth.  He turned his bite and had me convulsing against him as I screamed in pleasure.  He continued to bring me even after his fangs slid from my skin. 

He pressed his wrist to my mouth.  I tasted metal as his blood dripped into my mouth.  I opened and sucked on the wound.  My senses sharpened and my body felt stronger as I continued to take his blood into my body.  He pulled his wrist back and looked at me.  I purred against his body and ran a hand to his groin.  He leaned his head down and whispered, “I’m going to bring you over and over.  You’ll want me to stop even as you beg for more, Katja.” 

I nodded.  “Only if I get to do the same.”  He chuckled and nodded.

I pushed against him, pressing him onto the floor and straddled him.  I could feel his body hard and ready for me.  I sighed pleasantly and kissed him passionately, rubbing my body against his.  He pulled back and rolled us over so I was lying on the floor and he was on top.