Deception (26 page)

Later, when she had
more control of herself, doubts crept in. How could she be sure he would change
his mind? He was quite capable of sticking to his opinions. She had had
convincing proof of this at Drumlarig. Only a fool would believe he would never
return there without her.

He had been gone for
well over an hour before she gathered her stunned wits together and reached for
the telephone. She must speak to him. She wanted to rush after him to the
hotel, but the memory of his fury made her shudder. This way might be best as
it was possible he would lock her out of the suite and refuse to speak to her.

She picked up the
telephone, but there was no answer to her prolonged ringing, and when she
enquired at Reception she was told that Mr Murray had checked out.

Afterwards, Thea
thought she must have wept for a whole week. Seven bleak days that passed
slowly and painfully.
 
      

The bitterness of
total rejection hit her so hard she found it difficult to think straight. In
the flat was tea, dried milk and biscuits. She lived on this diet for days
until she began to feel so weak she was forced to go shopping for something
more substantial. Even so, she found it difficult to eat anything, and while
she had been away from the flat she had been terribly anxious for fear Logan
rang while she was out.

It became increasingly
clear that he didn't intend coming back, or getting in touch with her, and
while her pride began to rebel, she knew she couldn't give up so easily. One
evening she rang him at Drumlarig; late in the evening, when she was sure
he would be in. When he answered she was dismayed to find she couldn't speak.
Tears choked her throat and she had to swallow twice.

He gave his number
again. 'Hello, who is it?'

She could hear the
terseness in his voice. 'Logan,' she began tremulously, 'it's Thea. I must
speak to you.'

'Sorry,' he snapped.

'If you'd only
listen!' she gasped.
I
love you. I'm so miserable, so worried.-Who's looking
after you ...? Oh, please!'

'Goodbye!' he snapped
again, replacing his receiver.

Immediately, blindly,
she rang back. 'Logan, don't cut me off ...'

'Stop pestering me,
then.' The line went dead, her hopes with it.

Unable to give up, she
tried again the next night. The result was the same, and the subsequent hurt
she endured was terrible.

The last attempt she
made, a woman answered. Thea didn't recognise the voice, but she sounding
obliging. She went to get Logan, but when she came back she said rather
uncomfortably that he wasn't at home.

'Who are you?' Thea
asked.'

'Mr Murray's new
housekeeper.'
 
     

Dully Thea rang off.
So he had completely reorganised his life without her; he wouldn't want her any
more. Until now she had hoped, but she could do that no longer. There was only
suffering left, and already the intense pain
of
it was having a curious effect. After almost two weeks of
weeping and
thinking solely of Logan, she found her feelings consolidating, as if
inside she was becoming a small deep-freeze. Sometimes she was sure if she
stuck a pin into herself she wouldn't feel a thing, so numb was she becoming.
It became so that she could actually think of Logan without breaking down, and
while not certain what to make of it she was glad of the relief this brought.

One day she realised
she looked a fright. Staring in the mirror, she saw lank hair, huge shadowed
eyes and a body so thin as to appear to be fading away. With nothing but pride
to rescue her from what she instinctively knew could develop into severe
depression, she salvaged and used it as best as she could. Such wild ideas as
had entered her head over the past weeks she put firmly aside. No good would
come of rushing to Drumlarig and confronting Logan there. To see him and be
again rejected would be more than she could bear, and she might only upset
Jamie.
Logan .knew where she was. If he had
forgiven and wanted
her, he wouldn't have let anything stand in his way.
He would have sought her out, and because he didn't, Thea knew their marriage
was definitely over.

A week later her plans
were almost complete. Later in the year she would go to university. She had
done so well at school that.this presented no problems. She thought of
teaching; something to do with children as a possible career, for she was fond
of them and now she would never have any of her own.

Until it was time to
begin training, she decided to take a job in a hotel on the south coast and
managed to get taken on by one that stayed open all the year round. With the
completion of her plans she had given up her flat. The
furniture wasn't her own and all her possessions she had
packed in two suitcases. Having had a last look
around,
while waiting for a taxi, to
ensure that everything was tidy,
she
was starded a little when the telephone rang.

Thinking
it must be her solicitor, she frowned. Whar
could he want? On her
way to the station she had arranged
to call and see him, to
sign some papers. She hoped he
didn't have a change of plan as she didn't want to have
to come back again, all the way from Bournemouth.

But
when she lifted the receiver it was Logan. 'Logan?'
she
whispered, feeling herself beginning to shake, with the
terrible
tremors which had made her almost ill since he
had left her. 'Logan?'

'Thea?
Is that you?'

'Yes.'
Clearing her throat, she felt herself returning to
ice
again, able to say coolly, 'Yes, Logan, you've just
caught me. I was going
out.'

'Thea?'
his' voice was abrupt but urgent, as if this time
he
feared it was she who would ring off. Tve something
to ask you. Jamie has
broken his leg.'

'Jamie
Oh, no! Oh, the poor darling!' Compassion

made
her incoherent, bringing the tears that she thought
she
had conquered to her eyes. Brushing them away with
her
hand, she added unevenly, 'I'm sorry, Logan. How
bad is he?'

There
was a slight pause. 'He's asking for you.'

'Asking
for me?'

'You
don't have to be so surprised,' he said bitterly.
'You
succeeded so well in making him fond of you while
you were here.'

'I
suppose you believe that was all part of my plan?'
she replied steadily.

Clearly
over the line came a harshly drawn breath, but
she wasn't sure of
the cause of it. Logan said, 'I'm not
accusing you of anything,
Thea. I'm thinking of Jamie.'

With
a lightness she wouldn't have thought possible,
she answered, I'm afraid I can't do
much from London. Would you like me to speak to him?'

'No,' Logan sounded
hoarse, 'I want you to come here, if you will. I'd have come to London to ask
you, but I can't leave Jamie.'

'What about your new
housekeeper?'

He made no attempt to
deny that he had one. 'She's quite good. Not as competent as you, but she fills
a gap. At least there won't be a lot of work waiting, only Jamie.'

 
CHAPTER TEN

Only
Jamie, Thea thought bleakly, as the
train she was
travelling on approached Fort William that same day.
She had flown to Edinburgh and caught the train
from
there. Logan was meeting her at the station, but she
didn't find the prospect at all frightening. He
didn't mean
anything to her now. She
was beautifully numb all over
and knew she would stay that way.

She
did. Logan was standing in the station yard, search
ing
the carriages anxiously with his eyes. The passengers
disembarked, there
weren't many at this time of year,
and she
noticed something like relief on his face as he
spotted her. It was cold
and snowing, and if her heart
leapt it
could only be the thought of seeing Jamie and Drumlarig again. For Logan she
felt nothing.

Logan
looked older, his face drawn, his skin grey. He
must be terribly worried over Jamie.

'How
are you?' He strode towards her, and suddenly
she felt devoured by his eyes.

As
she stepped back his eyes went over her and she
felt all her new
thinness exposed. Yet as he drew nearer
his face was
expressionless, the way she always remembered, watchful, guarded,
implacably hard.

Close
beside her he stopped, making no attempt to touch
her
except with his eyes. 'You came.' He didn't utter her
name, nor did she say
his.

I
promised I would.' She looked straight at him, marvel
ling that she could do
so. The ice within her shivered
and cracked
a little.but didn't shatter, 'I came for Jamie's
sake,' she said very
clearly.

'I'm
grateful.' She might have been an obliging stranger.
 
 

Just
for a moment did a flicker of some unrecognisable emo
tion cross Logan's
face, then it was gone and he reached down to pick up her suitcase. 'I have the
car outside, we'll soon be home.'

Again the ice inside
her shivered, as though melting at the trace of warmth in his voice, but
quickly she recovered. She even felt a faint stir of triumph that it was
so, that being with him like this didn't affect her in the least. After the
long days and nights she had spent weeping and longing for him, her
reactions even startled herself.

She
wasn't aware how white her face was, how very thin
her young body had
grown. She looked so vulnerable, Logan paused, his mouth tightening, his eyes
tortured. 'Before we go, would you like a drink or a cup of tea?'

'Nothing, thank you.
I'd rather we went straight to Drumlarig.'

'Just as you like.'

Glancing at him
curiously, she sensed some kind of reluctance in him. Why? When it came to
the crunch, was he discovering that he didn't want her back there, no
matter what the circumstances? Or was it because
of some
thing else? Again, as they left Fort William, she dared
another quick glance, wondering how, apart from his admitted good looks,
she had ever found anything about him to love. How could a man as grim as Logan
Murray have had such an attraction for a girl as young as herself? Thank
goodness she had come to her senses in time!

Yet
for all she found it easy to deny her love, she couldn't
but be aware of the glad
relief she felt at being back. Winter still clutched the countryside in its
possessive arms. As yet there was, little trace of blue in the sky, no buds on
the trees, no green in the grass, but she was immeasurably moved by the
sight of the moors, the mountains and lochs, as though she had been away for
years, rather than weeks.
 
 

Afraid
of betraying the least sign of happiness which
Logan might
pounce on and destroy, she broke the length
ening silence.
'Your new housekeeper—does she know I'm
your wife?'

'She's
gone.'

'Gone?
But I thought you said she was good?'

'She
was—fairly,' he frowned impatiendy. Thea was
faintly
disturbed by his impatient tenseness. 'When she heard about you coming she
left. I brought her to Fort
William when I came to meet you.'

'But
why? I mean, surely you told her I wouldn't be
staying?'

A
nerve at "the corner of his mouth jerked. "How long
you
stay had nothing to do with her.' He sighed, a sound
of
angry frustration. 'I don't think she cared for Drum-
larig
very much, not after she learnt about you and Jamie
broke
his leg. I think you were the final straw, or the
excuse
she'd been looking for. I'm not sure.'

'You
don't care?'

'Of
course I care!' he snapped, his savagery starding
her.
'I don't want you to think I've got you here just to
work.
You'll have enough to do looking after Jamie. Now
you'll
be wearing yourself out,' he shot her a grim glance,
"when
you appear to be more in need of a rest than any
of us.'

There
was in her a sudden desire to hurt him, or to try
to,
as she herself had been hurt. 'I have lost-a little weight,' she defended
herself with seeming frankness, 'but that was
only to be
expected. A girl doesn't expect to be married
and deserted in practically the same
day, but I'm over
that now. In fact I'm
grateful you brought me to my senses.
I'm
sure I'll regain any weight I've lost very quickly— probably by the time
I leave Drumlarig again.'