Dearly Loved (27 page)

Meredith trailed to the locker room, peeled off her scrubs, and stuffed them into a hamper. Her hands shook from exhaustion as she slipped into her sweat suit. Although the hectic pace made the night pass by quickly, her sleep-deprived body felt every one of the six hours she’d worked without a break.

She directed a pent-up breath at the ceiling, her shoulders sagging. She opened her locker and retrieved her coat and purse, looking forward to a long stretch of sleep. After that, David. Meredith smiled to herself, realizing she’d hadn’t had the chance to think of him once through the night.
Must be some kind of record since he barged back into my life
.

She shrugged into her coat when the door of the locker room opened. Ellen, from Med-Surg, came in, looking every bit as fatigued as Meredith felt. She’d seen her from time to time through the night, assuming she’d been called in as well. Now that things had died down, she remembered what Rosa told her about Ellen’s broken engagement.

Her welcoming smile became strained. “Hi, Ellen. Were you called in, too?”

Ellen opened her locker. “Yep. I can’t wait to get home.” She looked over her shoulder and gave a humorless grin. “I’m going to be indulging in your favorite pastime, Meredith. Sleep.” She turned back around. “Since Kevin’s out of the picture, there’s not much else to do.”

Meredith didn’t know what to say. The pain in Ellen’s voice was hard to miss. “I...heard about that. I’m sorry.”

With her back to her, Ellen shrugged. “That will teach me to believe the lies of a charming rogue. They’re the ones you have to watch out for. All that smooth talk, flirtation, and making you think you’re the center of their universe. But once someone prettier, thinner, and younger comes along, they suddenly don’t want to be tied-down.” She put on her coat and slammed her locker door shut, facing Meredith. “Give me a nice, plain, shy guy any day.” Without a backward glance, Ellen waved and left the room.

Meredith stared at the door for a minute, all her old insecurities rushing to the fore. She shook her head and shut the locker door.
Ellen’s ex-boyfriend and David are not the same person
. As she left the hospital building and made her way to her car, she thought about her time with David last night. About his sweetness, tenderness and…love?

She got in her car and started the engine, biting on her bottom lip. David had never said he loved her, but surely love was evident in the way he treated her. Of course, regardless of his feelings, it didn’t guarantee a future with him. Maybe David loved her today—but would his affection fade the way Ellen’s boyfriend had?

Once Meredith arrived home, she suddenly couldn’t bear the idea of a future without David. Living for the moment no longer held any appeal. She wanted David forever—or not at all. Plowing her hands through her hair, she closed her eyes in confusion. She needed time to think.
And I can’t do that while David beguiles me with his kisses
.

She had the whole weekend ahead of her—a weekend of wondering if he would call. Perhaps by now her usefulness had ended for him. Being in his arms the night before had seemed something to treasure. Now, the memory took on a wanton cast, giving her a vague feeling of guilt.

Torturing herself with such thoughts, she went into her house and began shoving clothes into a suitcase with trembling fingers. Bitsy watched the proceedings with a comic expression of curiosity. Meredith stuck out her tongue at him. Whenever she questioned her impulsive actions, whenever the word
coward
entered into her thoughts, she brutally ignored it.
I’m just going on a short trip to blow the cobwebs from my mind. No harm in that.

Once her Saturn was packed with her suitcases, Bitsy, his food and kennel, she quickly locked up the house. She drove out of Cedar Hill heading in the direction of the Pacific Ocean. Low blood sugar finally forced her to stop at a fast food drive-thru for a breakfast of orange juice and a muffin.

Meredith drove down Highway Eighty and on through Vallejo and San Francisco. From there, she got on Highway 101 and continued on until she reached the town of Pacifica. Every mile increased her fear that she was being fooled by David in the same way Ellen had. The dismal rain streaming down her windshield echoed the tears on her cheeks.

In Pacifica, she got a room at a hotel on the beach that allowed pets. After hastily unpacking her clothing and getting Bitsy settled, she collapsed onto the bed and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Twenty

Meredith forced open her eyes and tried to focus on her surroundings, but nothing looked familiar. She was still in her clothes, her head felt like it was filled with straw, and she had a sore throat. Finally, she remembered her flight from Cedar Hill. Moaning, Meredith rolled over and pulled a pillow over her head.

Hunger drove her out of bed—at least as far as the phone. She ordered a sandwich to be delivered via room service. Then she took a hot, hot shower, which left her feeling measurably better. Wrapped in a thick, cotton robe with a towel on her head, she ate her sandwich. As her basic physical needs were met one by one, she began to look on her recent actions with a sort of mortified wonder.
How melodramatic!

Her doubts about David remained—but they were no longer quite as intense. From being the slavering satyr bent on her seduction, he reverted to being the engaging, effusive David she remembered from the party.
Of course, he could still dump me and break my heart at will
.

She dressed and stood by the sliding glass window looking out onto the beach. She’d hoped to walk along the surf with Bitsy, but the weather didn’t want to cooperate. Raindrops slid down the glass and wind slammed against the side of the building, making it shudder. Meredith spent the remainder of the evening watching boring reruns on TV, cuddled up to her dog.

The next morning, the rain had dissipated into a few ragged clouds fringing the gray sky. She dressed in jeans and a heavy sweater and took Bitsy for a walk on the beach. Like her thoughts, the surf foamed and churned in the wind.
Who am I really upset with? David—or myself?

She walked until they reached Pacifica Pier, rising from thick bands of fog had settled along the coastline. Meredith could make out a few people along the beach. A nearby couple walked toward her, partly obscured by the fog. Not interested in making conversation, she turned to head back to the hotel—then stopped. Something’s familiar about them…

Slowly turning back around, she stared at the man and woman as they broke through the mist.
Erin and Clay!

Clay waved.
Oh, no, they saw me!
Meredith gave a half-hearted wave in return, tugging on Bitsy’s leash and walking backward.

“Meredith, wait up!”

Oh, great. She couldn’t bring herself to smile, though she refrained from frowning. Suddenly they were upon her. Clay’s eyes glowed. He held hands with Erin, who looked radiant. Meredith stared, hardly able to believe the difference in the woman.

“We got married, Meredith. We’re here on our honeymoon.”

“Wow, that’s really great,” she said feeling like an interloper. “I just came on a whim. Um, going home today probably.” She hoped they didn’t think she was stalking them.
Ugh. What are the odds?

Erin pressed her lips together, her face flushed, seeming like she wanted to speak. She glanced at Clay for apparent support. He nodded.

Her old boss took a deep breath. “Meredith, I want to say I’m sorry for the way I treated you at work, the way I mocked your faith.”

Meredith controlled her jaw muscles with an effort. “Oh.” She put up her hand. “Um, it’s no big deal—”

“Yes, it is. While I’m not excusing myself, I acted that way because of things in my past.” She released a sigh. “I became bitter because I was afraid to trust. After that I stopped believing God cared for me.”
   Meredith glanced at Clay, uncomfortable with confession. She looked back at Erin. “I understand, really. No harm done.”

Clay smiled, apparently pleased.

“Well, thank you. Uh, how are things in Peds?”

She cleared her throat, desperate to escape. “Okay. It’s a different crowd, that’s for sure. The patients I mean.” Smooth, real smooth.

Erin smiled. “Take care then. And thanks again. It means a lot.”

Meredith nodded, watching them move on. The moment they were far enough way, she closed her eyes. God, what was that all about?
I’m here to think things through, not witness my failures
.

She tugged on Bitsy’s leash. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

***

When she was back in her room, she sat on the edge of the bed, still shocked at running into Erin and Clay. Meredith marveled at the change in Erin. Before, her face had always been pinched, drawn down in a scowl. Now her features had softened and she seemed more relaxed.

It’s a miracle. It really is
. Meredith tried to feel more enthusiastic, but it was hard when she had her own problems to worry about.

She blew out a weary sigh.
What am I going to do about David?
Her face heated when she allowed herself to think of the way she’d surrendered to his kiss. A sudden longing to rush back to his embrace gripped her with a ferocious intensity. Meredith bit her lip to stop from crying out.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to think logically.
What’s wrong with me, God? What am I really afraid of?
She listened to the sound of her heartbeat in the silence of the room, suddenly frightened of the answer.

All I can think of is Erin and the change in her. What did she say? Bitterness had made her afraid to trust? Is that me?
She clenched her fists, her heart pounding hard.
Is it?

Meredith licked her lips, her respiration increasing.
I haven’t lost a spouse and child, but I did lose my parents, David, Clay—even Bitsy for a time. In one way or another, I’ve been abandoned by everyone I’ve ever cared about. Of course I’m afraid to trust!
She closed her eyes against tears.
I don’t want to become bitter and angry. Help me, Lord. Help me know that no matter who fails me, You never will
.

***

When Meredith arrived home and had dragged everything in from the car, she could hardly believe she’d only been gone a day and a half. So much seemed to have changed since then—at least inside her heart. After she finished unpacking, she heard someone knocking on her door.

She opened it. David stood on the step, his expression grim. “Where have you been?”

Starved for the sight of him, Meredith stared up at him before her brain figured out he’d asked her a question. “Um...I just went out of town for a while.”

David stepped into the house and shut the door behind him. He leaned forward, his face inches from her own. “Did you think about letting anyone know where you’d taken off to?”

His accusatory tone fanned an old spark of anger into full flame. As if he has any right to demand about my whereabouts! Needing breathing space, she backed up until she stood near a chair in the living room. “Like I said, I just left town for a bit. I didn’t know I needed a signed permission slip to go.”

He followed her and put his hands on her upper arms. “Merrie, I was worried sick about you! I came by the yesterday and you were gone. No one knew you had left or where you might be.”

She lifted her chin, striving to hold onto the peace she’d found in Pacifica. “I don't know, maybe I was just going through a little selfish phase.”

Her words hit the mark. David’s face turned brick red. His grip on her arms tightened. He stared at her long and hard before dropping his hands and turning away.

Meredith lowered her gaze, desperately wishing she could snatch the words back. She found no comfort in petty revenge. Besides, didn’t this somehow prove that David wasn’t the one for her?
Why drag it out? It’s hopeless
.

She noticed the tight set of David’s shoulders. Meredith struggled to accept the inevitable. She marshaled her strength to admit the truth. “David, I don’t think our relationship, or whatever you call it, is working out. I think we should end it before it only becomes more difficult.”

He spun around to face her. “What?”

Meredith let out a gasp at the hurt she saw in his eyes. She recognized it because it mirrored her own feelings. Seeing it reflected in his eyes only deepened her anguish.

A look of resignation settled on his features. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “If that’s what you want, Merrie. I can’t force you to love me the way I love you.” 

Meredith’s eyes widened. She stared at him, unable to believe his words. “
Huh?
”

His face softened as he reached out to twine a lock of her hair around his finger. “I said I love you.” He sighed. “You seem shocked. Isn’t it obvious?”