Dearest Clementine (13 page)

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.” I blow a strand of loose hair out of my face.

“Your parents must have been so upset,” Dani says.

I don’t miss the look that Harper and Jenna share.

Laughing weakly, I shake my head. “My parents didn’t give a shit. I doubt they even listened to my messages.”

Gavin runs his teeth over his bottom lip as he studies me. “Is that why you stopped coming to class? Just before winter break of our freshman year?”

I nod slowly, my eyes dropping to the floor. “I took a leave of absence.”

“Is it hard, seeing him around campus?” Dani asks quietly.

“He avoided me that spring when I came back, thanks to the restraining order, and then he left to teach abroad. This is the first time I’ve seen him since freshman year.”

“And he waltzed up to you tonight like nothing happened?” Ryan asks, incredulous.

“Pretty much.”

“You know what I can’t stand about him?” Harper asks. “How he smells. It’s kind of a sweet cologne.” She makes a gagging sound.

“It’s not a cologne. He smokes clove cigarettes. Even if I had liked him, that would’ve been a deal-breaker.”

Harper says, “Oh, and he has a new girl. She’s young. Looks like a freshman. Of course.” The more Harper talks about it, the more pissed she sounds. As my roommate that spring, if anyone remembers what I went through, the nightmares I had, she would. “Someone should warn her that he’s a psycho.”

“I thought you didn’t like to toss around that word,” I say. She’s always lecturing us about casually using clinical terminology.

“In this case, it’s probably accurate.”

* * *

Gavin hugs me on the way out. As I pull away, he stops me, his hands on my shoulders. “You shouldn’t run at night. It’s not safe. Promise me you won’t do that.” I roll my eyes. “Clementine…” He says it slowly, like a warning.

“Fine. I won’t run at night.” Jeez.

He still has his hands on my arms, and I’m waiting for him to let go. Instead, he pulls me to him and kisses my forehead.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says, turning to walk out behind Ryan, who has decided to get Jenna a Taser because Wheeler has him freaked out.

When I turn around, Jenna, Harper and Dani are staring at me.

“So, are you guys, like, dating?” Dani asks.

“Yeah, I’m kind of curious myself,” Jenna says, smiling.

I don’t know the answer. He did say he was only helping me write my story.

“We’re just friends.” That’s the safe answer.

Jenna scoffs. “Girl, what I saw was not a ‘just friends’ kind of look.” Fanning herself, she waits for me to explain.

I follow the grain of the hard wood floor with my toe. “We’ve been studying together. That’s it.”

Jenna grabs my arm and yanks me to the couch, dragging me down to sit next to her. “We need details, Clem. You’ve been holding out on us.”

Harper and Dani scurry over to join us.

“There isn’t too much to tell. We’ve gone climbing a couple of times, and he’s given me some suggestions on my story.”

“You showed him your writing?” Harper looks shocked. She knows I don’t show anyone my work, especially early drafts.

I nod, and her eyes widen.

“I only showed him that draft I turned in to our romance class. He’s a writer, too, and since he works as an RA, he’s had some really good insights into some of my plot issues.” The girls look confused, so I explain the general premise of my book. When I’m done, their faces are still scrunched.

“But you’ve also stayed over there, too, right? What, twice?” Harper asks.

“And don’t forget the night he stayed here.” Taking count, Jenna is holding up three fingers.

“Before you get all excited, we literally just sleep.”

Harper and Jenna look at each other and laugh as though I’m lying.

“Why do I get the sense there’s something you’re not telling us?” Jenna asks. “Come on, Clem, spill it! I can see it in your face. You’re a terrible liar.”

Since I don’t date, I don’t ever have any juicy stories. The last time I talked about kissing a boy, it was Daren. And the friend in whom I confided, Veronica, was busy hooking up with him behind my back. I swallow back a rush of unexpected emotion and try to explain what’s going on with Gavin.

“Okay, something
did
happen last night, but when you hear the whole story, you’ll see he was merely helping me with my assignment.”

Now they’re totally confused. I reach for a cold nacho and reluctantly share how he was helping me connect with my characters and get into their mindset when we made out in the laundry room. I add that when he asked me to go climbing with him he had emphasized
as friends.

“Holy shit, Clementine.” Jenna jumps up off the couch and does a little victory dance like she crossed the finish line of a race. “He likes you! Like, a lot!”

“No, he doesn’t,” I snort.

“Gavin Murphy has a legion of groupies who come to the shows, and he’s never really shown any interest in them. But when he talks to you, he looks like a starving man eyeballing a steak.” She stares at me as she taps her chin with one finger. “It probably doesn’t hurt that he saw you naked.” She giggles and shimmies suggestively.

“What? When did this happen?” Harper asks.

Shooting Jenna a dirty look for bringing it up only makes her laugh harder.

I blow out a breath. “It wasn’t deliberate. I walked out of the shower and nearly killed myself on Ryan’s skateboard, and my towel fell. And I wasn’t completely naked. I was wearing boy shorts.”

Talking about all of this makes my heart race, and I start biting my nails.

Harper grabs my other hand. “Okay, guys, let’s leave Clem alone. She looks like she wants to crawl under the couch.” When I glance up, she’s is grinning. “Relax. He seems like a great guy, and you’re right. You guys are probably just friends. This is good!”

She’s in clinician mode. I can tell by her voice that she’s trying to not scare me.

It’s too late.

-
10 -

Popping a pill is so tempting.

My hands shake for an hour after I get up on Sunday morning. I haven’t had a nightmare in over a year, but seeing Wheeler yesterday has churned up my worst fears: his hands tightening on me, those words he growled in my ear, the terror that I wouldn’t be able to stop him. And the worst part—not being able to scream. Instead, the panic coils in my gut, writhing like a snake that can’t strike.

The pills help me relax and detach, but I want to get there on my own. The downside of the meds is my lack of feeling, how numb they make me. Maybe it’s good to feel, even if it’s to be afraid. At least it’s real.

I lace up my tennis shoes because, if I’m not going to medicate, only one thing can help me off the ledge. And like a soothing balm, each stride helps melt the fear.

In the afternoon, as I’m stepping into my room after my hour-long run, my phone rings.

“What are you doing?” Gavin doesn’t say hi. I don’t know why, but this makes me laugh.

“I’m waiting for Harper to get home so she can help me with some homework.” As I kick off my shoes, I reach into my drawers to grab a change of clothes.

“What do you have to do?”

“You had to ask.” I groan. “Don’t laugh, okay?”

“I won’t. What is it?”

“Applied math.” I’m waiting for him to make fun of me. After all, I’m a senior taking a freshman course.

“You’re in luck. I’m great at math. I’ll help you with math if you proof my new article.”

“That doesn’t seem like a very fair tradeoff. You haven’t seen how much I suck at math.”

“It’s okay. I help all the kids on my floor. We’ll pretend it’s another scenario in your book.”

Warmth spreads in my belly.

“Ah, so my
book boyfriend
is coming over to
tutor
me? Why didn’t you say so?”

He’s grinning. I can tell. “Exactly. So it’s almost as though you don’t need the help at all. Your character does. What’s her name anyway?”

“Samantha. The RA is Andrew.”

“I think I should get a hotter name, like Ian or Aiden.”

“Hold the phone, Romeo,” I snort. “These are
fictional
characters. I happen to get inspired by life, but it’s not like I directly transcribe my conversations with people straight into my stories.”

“Whatever you say, Clementine. Only make sure you include the part where you say I kiss like a rock star.” He’s laughing. Grateful he can’t see my embarrassment, I drop my head into my hand. “I’ll be over in ten.”

“No, give me half an hour. I just ran and need to take a shower.”

“See, that’s too much information. All your
book
boyfriend
is going to do is fantasize about that for the next thirty minutes. That and those little black shorts.”

My face must be scarlet right now. “What black shorts?”

“The ones you were wearing when you flashed me.”

I nearly drop the phone.

“You make it sound like I did that on purpose. I didn’t know you were in my apartment. I tripped. The towel fell.”

“And it fucking made my year, darlin’.” He pauses, and I don’t have anything to say to fill the silence. “I’ll see you in half an hour.”

When we get off the phone, I’m grinning like an idiot.

* * *

Gavin follows me to get my books. “You unpacked,” he says as his eyes scan my room. The boxes are gone, finally.

I glance around, hoping I didn’t leave anything embarrassing out. My bed is made, my purple comforter tucked under two down pillows. On my beech desk sits my laptop, a small stack of textbooks, a short silver vase with a handful of blue and black pens, and a framed photo taken last winter of Jenna, Harper and me, arm in arm as we huddle in the snow.

He leans in to read some of the Post-Its on my cork board, and my heart beats a little faster.

“Favorite quotes?” he asks.

“Yeah, I know they’re silly, but I can’t seem to part with them.”

He’s quiet, his eyes skimming across the rainbow of squares. Reaching out, he touches my favorite. I swallow, wishing he hadn’t stopped on that one.
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

He smiles over his shoulder. “I love F. Scott Fitzgerald too. Which book is your favorite?”

“
This Side of Paradise
.”

“Most people say
Gatsby
, but I have to agree with you.”

It would be so much easier to ignore how attractive Gavin is if he didn’t love my favorite book.

As he steps back, I reach over the desk and grab my assignment.

“I have an idea. Pack up your stuff,” he says.

I stop, taken aback by how sexy he looks leaning against my chair. His dark hair is going every which way, and his tall, muscular body fills my vision.

Finally, I regain the ability to speak. “I thought we were going to study.”

He tugs on the hem of my t-shirt. “We are, but we can kill two birds with one stone. Let’s go to the library. I have a scenario for your book.” He grins, making stupid little flutters ripple in my stomach.

“Can we do my math first? I might not be able to concentrate after you try
helping
me with my book.” Part of me is embarrassed to admit that, but it’s the truth.

He laughs, nodding, but the heat in his eyes makes my blood pulse faster.

Once we’ve worked on my math assignment on the main floor of the library for an hour and a half, I pack my stuff and lay my head on my bag. Concentrating with him looking over my shoulder every ten seconds has been unnerving, but at least I finally understand the work.

“See,” he says. “Not so bad. I told you I’m a good tutor.”

“It’s true. You are. And very modest.”

“Modesty is overrated. C’mon.”

I’ve only barely grabbed my bag when he reaches for my other hand and pulls me up.

“Where are we going?”

“The stacks.” He turns to wink at me before he drags me like a little rag doll.

“What’s that?”

“Baby, you haven’t made out until you’ve made out in the stacks.”

I try to stifle my laugh, but I still get a dirty look from a librarian.
And he just called me baby.
Gavin pulls me into the elevator so hard that I stumble right into him. I’m about to apologize for being a klutz when he wraps his arm around me as he reaches over to push the button for the fourth floor.

“You’ve never heard of the stacks? Really?”

Ignoring my heart rate, which has accelerated like it’s doing a lap at the Indy 500, I shake my head. “No, never. What is it?” He smells so good. This close, it’s intoxicating.