Dear Teen Me: Authors Write Letters to Their Teen Selves (True Stories) (26 page)

This notion of life lived on autopilot seems like bliss to you, because it means an end to the struggle, an end to doubt. You will no longer cut classes or skip out on work for no reason. You will no longer stay up till 4:00 am and sleep in until 3:00 pm because you can’t think of anything else to do. You will no longer respond to that beast of a question, “How are you feeling?” with your usual “I don’t know,” because your complete inability to articulate what goes on in your head will no longer matter.

This is a childlike vision of happiness, but it’s also a vision of oblivion. In this vision, happiness means no longer having to think about, question, or make a decision about anything ever again.

Two things: One, outside of an airplane, there is no such thing as autopilot. All the other adults are making this shit up as they go along. They’re
winging it.
The advice you’ve received from your elders and betters has helped you through a lot, but guess what:
They were winging it, too.
Adults and parents do not appear, fully formed, from Central Casting.

Two: The “winging it” stuff is okay. It’s preferable, in fact, to the rosy-tinted nihilism you fantasize about now. Because being an adult means
knowing
that you’re winging it, and being
okay
with that. Eventually, you’ll realize this. Eventually, you’ll see that “growing up” is an ongoing process, not a finish line. And you’ll look back on what you’ve accomplished, what you’ve done, and what you’ve simply survived, and you’ll trust yourself to move forward.

Life is full of uncertainty
,
yes, but
art
is born out of the same stuff. What you
can
and
will
be certain about, however, is that you can handle the uncertainty. That is a real strength

But credit where credit’s due. You did get one thing right: All you have to do is hold on.

Kekla Magoon

Dear Teen Me,

Put down that book and pay attention for a minute.

Someday soon, you’ll live an amazing and very different kind of life than the one you’re living now—but you’ll have to put the books down and get out into the world before that can happen. I know how lonely you are. I know that what you want most is to have a best friend, someone that you can trust with your secrets and be real with, and who will hug you and tease you and accept you for who you really are. (Whatever that means.)

When you try to blend in it doesn’t really work, does it? You’re the only biracial girl in your class. That ‘fro can’t hide from nothin’. You don’t feel black, so you don’t fit in with the “real” black kids, but you don’t look white, so you stand out among the white kids, too. But, when it comes down to it, you really don’t need to try so hard to fit in. People actually like you. It’s okay to be yourself and let down your guard.

It’s not just being biracial that makes you feel different. Remember the time in gym class when that girl said you were probably a lesbian? Of course you remember. You thought about nothing else for weeks after, and it scared and confused you. Let it go. It scared you because it might have been a little bit true; it confused you because it wasn’t totally true. You’re going to love some guys in your life and you’re going to love some girls, too, and that’s fine. Most people aren’t going to understand this about you, but you’ll have to get used to that feeling, because it’s never going to go away.

Everything about you is a little bit different. The way you look, the way you act, the way you
are
. You just have to remember to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and see yourself as beautiful. If you can manage to do that, the rest will take care of itself. It might be hard to believe that you will ever find your place in the world, but you will—once you start being truly yourself. Sometimes by just relaxing a little you can accomplish a lot.

There are going to be a lot of crazy ups and downs—once, for instance, in the course of a single week you’ll go from crying on the floor of your apartment
wondering where you’ll get the money to pay your electric bill, to standing among a crowd of Hollywood celebrities, walking the red carpet. I kid you not.

Your whole life will be a balancing act, between having money and not having money, between being noticed and being ignored, between looking black and feeling white, between liking boys and liking girls. The key to finding your balance is feeling the earth beneath your feet and taking one step at a time. That will keep you grounded. Then, find the courage to stretch your arms a bit, and reach out for the things you want. Take some risks! Yes, this means showing your true colors, but it also means unfurling your wings. It’s scary, but it will help. You won’t ever feel surefooted, but you won’t topple either.

This daily balancing act will turn you into your own kind of person: strong enough to stand alone, and unique, with a voice that rings out like morning thunder. And to think, they used to tease you for being so quiet. Your dreams are going to come true, and it’s going to blow your mind.

Mari Mancusi

Dear Teen Me,

I’ve got an update for you from the future: Alex A. wrestles alligators for a living, and he loses every time.

Okay, okay, my update isn’t completely nonfictional; I don’t know that for sure. He might have ended up as a partner at a highly successful law firm. Or invented the inexplicably popular PajamaJeans (as seen on TV). For all I know he could’ve retired at twenty-nine after making a killing on his Apple stock. I don’t know what he’s actually doing these days, but I have to admit: I like to imagine his clothes reeking of swamp and defeat at the end of the workday.