Dear Tabitha (39 page)

I grimace as I walk back over to the couch. My doctors told me that I would be sore for about six to eight weeks after the accident. It’s been almost five weeks since it happened, and I am definitely healing. I’ve had several MRI’s and CAT scans to confirm that there is no damage to my brain. The headaches are less frequent, and I’m starting to feel like myself again, minus the fading bruises.

“Hey, Tabs. Do you need anything while I’m up?” Alex says as he walks into the room, wearing nothing but a towel. God, this man is perfect. He’s still damp from the shower, and his toned abs are on display, begging for me to embrace them. Lick them. Yes, I need something, and he knows it. I need him, but he’s been so patient, waiting for me to get better. He’s keeping his distance, for now.

I smile into his eyes. “I’m good.” And I really am. Good. Complete. Happy. “Go get dressed. Sara and Kirsten should be back from the bakery any second.” As much as I love staring at his wet nakedness, it’s not appropriate for anyone else. I smile as I watch him walk down the hall to
our
bedroom.

He took me home from the hospital five days after the accident and hasn’t left. He officially moved in with me and Sara this past weekend when the guys cleared out his place and brought what they could over here. It feels incredible having him here with us, and we promised each other that we wouldn’t waste any more time apart. This feels right. Sara loves him so much already. I guess my accident was the catalyst that brought us together as a family as quickly as we did. He’s absolutely amazing with her and she adores him.

The apartment door flies open and Sara comes bounding in with Kirsten behind her. She has white powder around her mouth, giving away the fact that she’s already had at least one donut.

Kirsten says, slightly out of breath, “Keeping up with that kid is a challenge! She scarfed a donut and took off down the street. She needs a leash.” She laughs and plops down into the seat across from me.

“Hey, it was your idea that she go to the bakery with you,” I remind her and smile. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Smiling. I’ve been sore and in more physical pain than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I’m happy. So incredibly happy.

My life is complete. When I saw Trina’s face in front of me as the bus hit me, I realized that she was there to protect me. She’s my angel. My
guardian
angel. It’s as if she wrapped her angelic body around mine to protect me from real harm. To erase the awful past and prevent the worst from happening. Even though I was seriously injured, that accident saved my life. It ended the cycle of devastation that I’ve experienced since Trina died.

Halloween had always signified sadness, loss, and death for me. Now it represents life, love, and new beginnings. I’m supposed to be here. Alive.

My
family
needs me.

Sara bounces into the room and says, “Where’s Alex? He promised that we’d put up our Christmas tree today! Where is heeeeeee?”

Wow, she needs to work off some of the sugar coursing through her veins. I laugh and shake my head. I’m thrilled that it’s now the Christmas season, and we can begin to celebrate together.

“I’m right here, peanut,” he says as he walks into the room. He’s carrying the large box that holds our artificial tree.

She runs, throws herself at him, and wraps her arms around his neck. “Yay! It’s Christmas tree time!”

Kirsten gets up and kisses me on the forehead. “I’m out. Tristan is meeting me at the store to help me decorate.” She grins and picks up her purse. I wonder what else he’s going to help her do. I smile to myself and hope that my best friend finds the kind of love that I have.

Perfect love.

Forever love.

“Bye, Alex. Bye, Sara.” She waves and walks out the door.

I slowly get up to help with the tree.

“Hey, take it easy, Tabs,” Alex says as he leads me back to the couch. “Sara and I can get the tree set up. You relax and get ready to help with the star.” He winks and places a chaste kiss on my cheek.

“Fine, I’ll just sit here and make sure you’re both putting the decorations in the right spots,” I say. I plan to direct them from my comfortable seat on the couch.

The two of them tirelessly assemble the tree, string lights, and place our ornaments all around. My heart flutters at Sara’s excitement when she opens the box that came from Portland. It contains all of her Disney princess ornaments as well as the homemade ones she’s made from the time she went to pre-school until she came to Philadelphia with me. I hug my knees as I watch our past and our futures come together on one tree. Alex adds a few of his own ornaments and lingers over the pictures of himself as a child that he hangs next to Sara’s.

I realize that the holidays may still be hard on Sara, and she will have her ups and downs during this time of year as she remembers Marta. But she’s a strong little girl, so much stronger than I thought she could be. She has been healing and seems to be getting stronger and stronger each day. I know she misses Marta, but she has reached a kind of acceptance that I was never able to find after Trina died. Not until now.

Sara has helped
me
heal from Trina’s death. She’s a miracle in my life, and I’m so happy that she’s finally home with me. With
us.

Seeing Alex and Sara decorate the tree together makes my heart swell. The two loves of my life, sharing and starting traditions that will be ours forever. She nudges him and he tickles her. He holds her up to reach places on the tree that are too high. They sing Christmas carols together, and he makes up silly words, just to make her laugh. My eyes glisten with tears as I see the love he shows for my daughter.

I pinch myself lightly. Yes, I’m actually here.

The family that I’ve always dreamed of is standing in front of me.

I slowly stand up and go to wrap my arms around Alex and Sara. We hold each other silently and stare at our beautiful tree.

The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders. I squeeze them tighter as I realize that I’ve finally found what I deserve. What I’m meant to have.

Family.

Happiness.

Love.

Forever.

Present

Age 25

I’
M FEELING
bittersweet right now as I remove my headphones. “That’s a wrap, boys,” I say as I look around the room at my band. My friends. Epic Fail just laid our last track. They leave for tour in a few weeks, and we just finished our last album together.

I officially stepped down as the lead singer and rhythm guitarist. It was a difficult decision, but they made it easier for me. They all completely understand why and they support me one hundred percent. I’m sad because they’re all my brothers. Yes, even Garrett.

“Hey, this isn’t the end, Alex. Remember, you promised to take the stage with us when we pass through Philly and New York. It’s only fair,” Garrett says as he slaps my back.

“Right, and you’re also helping write the next album,” Tristan looks around the room, “because none of us can write songs like you can.” They all nod as Tristan reclines in the chair.

“You’re doing the right thing and none of us blame you for following your heart,” Dax says looking down at his hands. “We can all hope to find what you and Tabby have, bro.”

They have been auditioning lead singers for the past month and hope to make a decision by the end of next week. They have lots of rehearsals to get in before they hit the road again for the next year and a half. I’ve listened to some of the singers, but I’m trying not to influence their decision. The new singer needs to gel with them, and the decision needs to be theirs.

Epic Fail has done extremely well over the past few years, and I have enough in my bank account to make sure that Tabby, Sara, and I are more than comfortable. I’m happy that I’ll still be writing for the band too, so that will help the royalties continue to flow.

“Okay, guys, I’ve got to get home now,” I say, smiling. For the first time in a long time, I feel
at
home someplace. With Tabby and Sara.

I grab the gig bag that carries my favorite guitar and sling it over my back. It’s been such a huge part of my life and my past. I’m sad that I’ve zipped it up for the last time with this band, my band. I know it’s not completely over because I’ll be collaborating with them on future projects, but my time on the road with them has ended. I walk through the studio and out into the crisp December air. I can’t wait to get home to my girls.

Tabby sent me a text about an hour ago that made me laugh out loud, and it made me worry about what I’m going to walk into when I get there.

Sara and I are cooking. She’s rolling meatballs and I’m making homemade sauce and chicken parm. Please get some paper towels on your way home. A lot of them. Xx

The last time the two of them ‘cooked’ together, we were cleaning up flour for days. It got into places that we could barely reach. We had to literally dust the entire apartment because the clouds made by the flour coated everything. I chuckle as I picture red sauce and breadcrumbs everywhere.

I leave the convenience store with a six pack of paper towels tucked under my arm. I smile as I hope that it’s enough to handle the mess that Team Tabs and Sara are making right now.

But no matter the disaster that I’m about to walk into, I’m so fucking happy. These girls are my life. I’ve never had a family like this, and I’m going to hold onto them forever. We’re building our life and our future one day at a time, and it feels incredible. I see moments of sadness in Sara’s eyes, as I’m sure she’s remembering her Nona, but they are quickly replaced by joy and laughter. Tabby is giving her so much and helping her heal in ways that she was never able to do so herself. Until now. Having Sara in Tabby’s life has been a blessing. It has helped erase the painful past that Tabs endured for so long. She now has a reason to live, to love.

Tabby and I have come full circle, and although the journey was painful, I wouldn’t change it. I understand everything that she did to protect her heart and to give Emily the life she deserves. Once I laid eyes on my
daughter
, I saw that she is exactly where she belongs. The Finnegans are the perfect family. They’re exactly the type of family that I want to have someday.

Tabby and Sara are my family now.

We’re finally finished wasting time apart. Tabby and me. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.

I love her so much.

I walk into our apartment and see the two of them giggling. The counter is covered in God knows what, but it doesn’t matter. Seeing the smiles on their faces warms my heart. The Christmas tree is lit and the colored lights are bouncing all over the room.

I’m exactly where I’ve always wanted to be. Where I’m supposed to be.

With Tabs.

With Sara.

With my family.

My heart swells with love as I look across the room at the two most perfect people in my life.

Our forever starts now.