Dear Tabitha (19 page)

The door chimes ring, startling me out of my trance.

I look at my phone to see that it’s three o’clock and my belly tingles. I already know who it is before I turn around.

Alex.

A smile plays on my lips and our eyes meet. “Hey, Tabs.” He looks down at my mouth and bites his lip. “It’s so good to see you smile.”

My heart flutters and my knees almost buckle. He closes the distance between us until he’s standing right in front of me, our noses almost touching. He brings his hand up and places an ice cold drink against my cheek. I shriek from the chill.

“Alex,” I say.

He quickly kisses my other cheek and says, “It’s time for our iced-coffee date. Three o’clock.” His smile gets bigger and he sits down on the couch.

This has been our routine for a couple of weeks. Taking things slow has been hard. Every time he touches me, I want to beg for more. But he knows that I’m afraid. He knows about the abuse I suffered at the hands of Tony. I’ve been as descriptive as possible without overwhelming him with the horrors I endured for so long. He gets visibly shaken when I talk about Tony, but he does his best to listen to me, to comfort me.

I sit next to him and lean into his side. “Thanks for the drink, Alex,” I say softly, biting on the end of my straw.

“You’re welcome.” He places his free hand on my thigh and makes small circles with his thumb. I love when he does this. It’s such a small gesture, but it makes my heart swirl.

“So, Dax thinks you’re good for me,” he blurts out.

Dax is not only his best friend, but also like a brother to him. He’s been hot and cold with me since I met Alex. Actually, mostly cold. I’m surprised with this declaration.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” He pinches the skin above my knee. I giggle and playfully slap at his hand. He’s too quick. He grabs my hand and pulls me toward him until his warm breath touches my lips. “I do, too, Tabs.” His playful tone is gone. “I think you’re
perfect
for me.”

My breath hitches as he moves his lips away from mine and kisses the tip of my nose, leaving me wanting so much more.

“Oh,” I say quietly. I’m perfect for him? I’ve never been perfect for anyone. “Are you sure?”

He takes the iced coffee from my hand, places it on the table next to his, and reaches for my face. He softly brushes his knuckles along my jaw until his hands reach the back of my head. I flinch and hold my breath as his fingers slide through my hair. I expect him to pull my hair like Tony, but instead he massages my scalp. My tension eases.

He noticed my reaction and places his lips against my ear. “You know I would never hurt you, don’t you?” he asks tenderly, almost unsure of his own statement.

“Yes,” I whisper. His lips softly kiss the spot beneath my ear and linger. He burrows his head into my neck, pulling me tight against his body. I can feel his heart beating wildly against my own.

“I could never, ever hurt you. Never…” His voice trails off. He fights his own demons, and if I were to guess, it has everything to do with his father. That man brutally abused Alex and his mother.

I can relate to his feelings. I’ve blamed myself for Trina’s death. If only she didn’t have to stop after work to pick up my Halloween costume, she’d still be here. It’s my fault she had to special order a pink, bubbly witch costume. Pink bubbly witches don’t even exist!

Alex rubbing my hands between his warm ones startles me from my thoughts. He’s trying to calm me down. “You were doing it again, wringing your hands together,” he says. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, I was just thinking about Trina. Wondering what life would have been like if she hadn’t died. If I hadn’t demanded a ridiculous pink witch costume, she’d still be here.” I touch my forehead to his.

He cradles my cheeks in his hands and lifts my face so that I’m looking into his eyes. “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. You were seven and you weren’t driving the dump truck that ran the red light. You had no control over her fate anymore than she did. It wasn’t your fault.” He pulls my head to his chest and I settle in as I listen to his heart race against my cheek. It’s so hard to hear him replay the events that led up to Trina’s death. The dump truck that she didn’t have a chance of avoiding. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to erase the picture of her mangled car I used to imagine when I was a young girl.

“I’m sorry, Alex. A difficult time of year is coming up for me. My birthday always brings back these awful memories. I’m sorry.” I’m not sure Halloween will ever be a fun occasion for me. Too many memories of Trina and her death surround the day. It’s still a couple of months away, but the anticipation of the date makes me tense and worried.

“Why don’t we do something to make Halloween special this year?” He kisses the top of my head. His small acts of affection have become more and more frequent. All of the tiny kisses and the tenderness that he shows me break down the barriers around my heart. He’s slowly healing me from Tony’s abuse. He’s been very careful not to go too far with me since I passed out the last time he kissed me passionately. I appreciate his restraint, but God, I want more.

I look up at him and he lightly pokes my nose with the tip of his finger. “Let’s do something silly. How about instead of dressing up for Halloween, we wear ugly Christmas sweaters instead? They aren’t exactly costumes, and maybe we’ll get a good laugh out of it. We’ll have a contest to see which one of us has the ugliest sweater.” He chuckles. It sounds like a fun idea, and it takes the Halloween aspect away from the day.

“Sure, I’m willing to try anything.” I place my head back on his chest. I don’t want to end this closeness. His hand moves down on my shoulder, and he pulls me tighter against him. His idea seems like it could potentially be fun. I’d love to see all of the guys and Kirsten wearing ugly Christmas sweaters. I smile at the possibility of a good time ahead.

More and more I enjoy these peaceful and comforting times of the day with Alex. Thankfully, the bookstore is quiet as it usually is at three o’clock every day.

“Tabs?” he asks.

“Yeah?”

“Is this okay? Is it too much? Because I just need to touch you. To hold you. To
feel
you. I won’t push, but this right here is what I need.” He squeezes me tighter.

It’s not too much. I want more, but I’m afraid to ask for it. I’m afraid of what may happen if I do. I just don’t know how to do this, and I’m still learning how to respond to his tenderness, but it hasn’t been easy. I flinch most times when he raises a hand. It’s a reflex response for me that I’m going to have to unlearn. I see the pain in his eyes every time I react that way. He’s worried that his actions might one day become a reality, and he’s terrified of becoming like his abusive father. Every time I instinctively flinch in response, he flinches too. The pain in his face is evident.

“This is perfect for right now,” I reply.

“Good,” he says.

“Because I never want to let you go.”

I nuzzle into him and silently hope that he never does.

Past

Age 19

I
CAN’T
stop thinking about her. The need to be with her and hold her is overwhelming. She’s so perfect for me, and doesn’t even realize it. I’m hesitant to tell her everything I’m feeling because it might scare her away.

But I want all of her.

We’ve tiptoed around our relationship for several months now. I don’t want to push her for too much, too fast, but we are committed to each other. Committed to helping each other heal. We promised that we would start slowly, and I’m doing my best to stick to it. But God, everything she does makes me want to possess her, but not like that monster did. I want to possess her heart and soul as well as worship her body.

Tonight is the Christmas sweater Halloween party that we’ve been planning since the summer. I want to make Tabby’s birthday special, like nothing she’s ever experienced before. Kirsten has been preparing everything for the party since the guys and I are completely useless when it comes to those things.

I pick up my cell phone and dial Kirsten’s number.

“Hey, Alex!” she answers, sounding extra chipper.

“Hi, so are we all set for tonight?” I jump right to the point. No use in chit-chatting, because Kirsten does that very well.

“Yes! It’s going to be a blast. Even Garrett has been getting into the non-Halloween-Holiday-Spirit!”

Garrett is usually a turd, and I wonder if he has other motives for being so involved.

“Great. I’ll bring her to the bookstore at eight o’clock like we planned.”

Kirsten is arranging a surprise party at the bookstore. Tabby thinks that’s where we’re meeting before going bar hopping, but our plans are to stay at the bookstore and make it a quiet night with just a few of us.

“Okay, see you later, Alex!”

She hangs up, and I fall back onto my couch.

I want tonight to be flawless because I have something very important that I want to do. It’s a surprise, and I don’t want it ruined.

~

I arrive at Tabby’s apartment on time and I knock on her door. I hear Christmas music playing, and I chuckle.

The door flies open, and her hand immediately covers her giggles. “Oh. My. God. Alex, that sweater is hideous!” Her laughter is beautiful music to my ears, and I don’t want it to stop. I can count on one hand the times that I’ve seen her smile, much less laugh, over the past few months. It’s incredible to see and hear.

“What? This old thing?” I reply. She looks amazed as she takes in the uniqueness of my ugly sweater. It’s bright red with an embroidered fireplace on the chest. Stockings hang from the mantle and Santa’s foot dangles above the fire as if he’s about to scorch himself. The stockings overflow with candy canes and teddy bears.

“Seriously, that is one ugly sweater,” she says after she’s able to control her laughter. She throws herself against my chest and kisses the side of my neck. I shiver as I wrap my arms around her waist and nuzzle into her. I feel her heart beating against me, and I’m certain that she feels mine pounding too. I desperately want to pull her lips to mine, but I’ve been trying to keep the boundaries in place. The last time I kissed her deeply, she had that panic attack and passed out at the bar. I’m trying to avoid that at all costs, but these small gestures of affection from her let me know it’s okay.

“Happy Birthday, Tabs,” I whisper into her ear and then softly kiss her cheek, allowing my lips to linger.

She wraps her arms tighter around my neck and quietly says, “Thanks.”

I don’t know how long we hold each other, but it seems like hours. I don’t want to let go, but we’re going to be late for her surprise.

I pull myself away from her and notice that she’s not wearing a sweater. She’s only wearing a black tank top with a pair of jeans. “Um, aren’t you forgetting something, Birthday Girl?” Damn, she looks hot in that tank top. It’s tight and hugs her curves perfectly, causing my eyes to settle on her tits. She looks so amazing.

“Hey, up here!” She catches me and diverts my attention to her face. A smile plays on her lips, and I just want to devour her.

“You’re missing something.” I point toward her chest and smirk.

She throws her head back and laughs. “I’m not finished dressing yet, duh!” She turns and goes into her bedroom. “Make yourself comfortable while I finish getting ready, okay?”

“Sure.” I look around her apartment. It’s stark and doesn’t feel like a ‘home’. She keeps saying she’s going to put some time into making it feel more comfortable, but she’s been procrastinating. I don’t know what she’s waiting for. It’s as though she doesn’t think she’s going to be here long, that she may run away again.

“Hey.” Her voice interrupts my thoughts. I look up and almost choke.

Her sweater is repulsive! The bright, red cardigan has a Christmas tree in the center. The buttons of the sweater double as fuzzy ornaments, and gold and silver ‘tinsel’ tassels hang from the branches. She has gone the extra mile and completed her look with candy cane earrings dangling from her ears.

“Wow.” I shake my head. “I have no words.” I stifle a laugh and can’t stop staring at the ugliness that she’s wearing. “Trick or treat?” I say.