Dear Lupin... (18 page)

Budds Farm

Dearest L,

I am sorry not to have heard from you since you went back. Perhaps though you wrote to Nidnod and she forgot to show me the letter. We set off to France on the 29th. The weather forecast was ‘very stormy indeed' and the car ferries were running hours late. I did not much like the prospect as those old ferry boats roll hideously. We got to Dover and nearly got on the wrong boat by mistake. Eventually we drove on to a dreadful, creaking old boat; there was only one other car on it. We had a cabin, fell fast asleep and did not wake up till we arrived at Dunkirk at 4 a.m. We then had a long drive in appalling rainstorms to Chantilly, stopping for breakfast at a small service station where the food was far less nasty than at similar places in England. We arrived at Chantilly very weary at 8.30 a.m. and found to our horror that our hotel, usually empty at this time of the year, was full on account of May 1st being a Public Holiday. We were eventually given a room in a small inn where they were clearing up after an all-night wedding party. Your mother retired to bed (the sheets bore both hand and foot prints of previous occupants, while my pillow had clearly been used by a large and very hairy dog with dirty paws) with a hot water bottle. An hour later Nidnod woke up to find the bottle had leaked and the bed was soaking. She was certain that the hotel proprietor would think she had wetted her bed so we turned the mattress. What we found on the other side I simply cannot tell you. However we re-made the bed more or less successfully. In the meantime I had shaved but could not make the water disappear. Investigation revealed that the previous occupant had been sick in the basin and had blocked the drain! Thanks very much. We then set off for the races at Longchamp in warm, sunny weather. We got lost in Paris, Nidnod was almost in hysterics and I was terrified by the French drivers who have no manners at all. We got there in the end and met the Hislops, who gave us a wonderful and most expensive lunch in a superb restaurant on top of the grandstand. We saw Mill Reef win and then returned to Chantilly, Nidnod at the wheel. She nearly went broadsideon into a French car and death was very close indeed at that moment. She then got hopelessly lost trying to find the Ring Road and we drove for hours round Paris without making any headway. We were both exhausted by then and it would have been a relief if we had been mown down by a giant lorry. However we at last got back and had a very good dinner to cheer us up. The following morning I had to see some of the best horses in France at Chantilly, which I enjoyed, and we then drove some 170 miles to Deauville where we had a restful night in a comfortable hotel. The next day I had to visit a stud and then we had a marvellous lunch at a small restaurant at Bonneville-sur-Mer. Your mother ordered a king-size dish of lobsters, crabs, mussels, clams, prawns etc and I was not all that surprised when she had a bad attack of diarrhoea (not an easy word to spell) afterwards. We then drove to Clecy and were given a very warm welcome at the little hotel we go to there. The weather was perfect the next day and we went up on the hills which are covered with wild flowers of every sort. We had a superb lunch out of doors by the side of a river with your godmother Diana Gunn and her boozy but affable husband. We did not finish lunch till 4.30 p.m. We went off to visit a local museum and chateau and both your dear mother and Diana got the giggles very badly and I felt very ashamed as the rather spotty French lady showing us round was clearly getting rather annoyed. I don't suppose your mother's conduct had anything to do with the large amount of wine consumed at lunch. The Gunns had dinner at our hotel and then departed for Caen, Mr Gunn by then talking a great deal of fairly incoherent nonsense. On the Thursday we drove to Cherbourg, having a picnic observed with interest by children from an orphanage and three porky-fat priests. The boat was almost empty but Nidnod found some friends and was able to have a non-stop talk for a couple of hours. We landed at Southampton at 9.30 p.m. and were home an hour later. Cringer was insane with delight to see us back. Your brother is home looking clean (comparatively) healthy and happy. We had drinks (a good many) with the Bomers last night and today James Staples is here for lunch in a new suit and accompanied by a girl-friend, small and shy, who is Lupin's housekeeper, a very odd arrangement.

Best love,

D

A classic Mortimer holiday. My mother made ‘bosom friends' with the most random people who would run for the hills when they saw her coming. My father enjoyed recounting strange anecdotes loosely based on his observations.

Budds Farm

Dearest L,

I hope you are in robust health and that you are satisfying Miss Birchnettle (or whatever your Head Mistress is called). Your sister Jane is back from Greece and moves up to Yorkshire at the end of this week. I believe your fond mother is going to drive her up. Jane is shortly due to take her driving test which ought to give at least one hearty laugh to all concerned. Your erratic brother Lupin is down here for one night. Alas, your ever-loving mother is in one of her little moods and has never stopped nagging him and giving him totally unwanted and very ridiculous advice. The ponies seem to be well; Pongo has a nasty little itch and Cringer's breath would drive a car. Moppet has killed many sleepy mice. I was very lame one day and had to take some disgusting pills which made me feel sick. Caroline Blackwell stayed here for a night and the Bomers and Parkinsons came to Dinner. Your mother talked without ceasing and no one else got a word in. Your mother starts her bridge lessons on Monday. I shall be mildly sur prised if she keeps them up. We had dinner last night at that pub in Overton where I once took you. Do you still like your new dormitory? I trust you are kind to the unfortunate new girl!

Best love,

D

The unfortunate new girl, Kate Evans, becomes my best friend and with no family in England she is welcomed with open arms by both my parents as a surrogate daughter.

The Sunday Times

30 September

Dearest Lumpy,

Thank you for your letter. You seem to be having some curious adventures. I hope you are doing some work and that you are approaching your examinations in a spirit of well-justified confidence. I have been at Newmarket for most of the week. Mrs Hambro arrived at Cousin Tom's house in a new sports Mercedes that would have turned your barmy brother Lupin green with envy. My friend Mr Barling was kicked in the back by a yearling at the Sales and is in hospital with severe injuries. Cringer was very pleased to see me when I got home; Pongo and your dear mother rather less so. Your mother has been in Yorkshire assisting your sister Jane to move house. The new woman at the cottage, whose name eludes me, seems pretty scatty. As regards your holiday skiing; yes, you can go provided I approve of the expense involved (you have so far afforded me no information on that fairly important point). Also I wish to know with whom you are going and who is in charge of the party. I do not want a lot of giggling girls on their own making sheep's eyes at the handsome instructors. You and Charlotte together would constitute a threat to decorum and commonsense. An elderly lady I know has just had all her jewellery swiped by a burglar, including a string of pearls about twice the length of a bicycle chain. There is to be a ‘Sunday Times' exhibition at the National Gallery from Oct 22 for 6 months. Some of my books will be on view which ought to attract visitors in their thousands. I hope you will attend the exhibition in a suitably respectful frame of mind.

Best love,

D

I have started at Tudor Hall but my old school friends from Daneshill are planning a skiing trip.

As my father predicted we did not behave with due decorum. On the train home I became seriously ill and the second we arrived in England I was rushed into hospital with acute appendicitis.

Budds Farm

12 February

Dearest L,

Are you really coming home next week? I'm glad you have warned me in time. I will put everything of value in the bank, nail down the carpets, and go off to Brighton for three days. I will leave a couple of tins of Kitticat for you to share with Moppet. Mind you divide them up fairly and don't pinch the bigger helping. Your mother is hunting today and I trust that for once she will avoid a painful accident. I nearly ran over a fox on the M4 last night. Cringer is in great form and is becoming more cunning than ever. Farmer Lucks is going to retire, so he says, at the end of the year and build himself a bungalow. Mr Hicks's old father died suddenly when drinking a cup of tea last Wednesday. He was over 80. A man shot a policeman in Newbury last Friday but luckily did not kill him. I went to a dinner party in London given by Schweppes and consumed about a ton of caviar. I have got three parties in London next week. I have no news of your sister Jane but I believe Paul is off to Liverpool for a fortnight. I saw Aunt Pam yesterday wearing a really hideous magenta hat. She really does get hold of some very peculiar clothes. I think she must go round all the local jumble sales.

Best love,

D

The appalling dress sense of Aunt Pam (aka The Hamburger) was only slightly better than that of my father.

Budds Farm

26 February

Dearest L,

I hope you got back safely and have settled down to hard work and good behaviour! Your plump sister Jane and your skinny brother Lupin are due down here today. Your ever-loving mother is hunting and I, as usual, am working. I have given your mother a record player for her birthday. I hope you see my photograph in Horse and Hound this week as I'm sure you will agree I am far better-looking than the picture, taken just after the completion of a heavy lunch, suggests. Pongo is very smelly today so I am banishing him out of doors for a breath of fresh air. On Thursday I am off to a champagne and oysters party in the morning and then to a big lunch party at the Savoy afterwards. I wish you were coming with me. Or do I? I am hoping to get a new car in June, a BMW. What colour do you think would be agreeable? I fancy the fashionable dog-sick yellow or a bright, vivid red like Cross and Blackwell's tomato soup. If you leave sweet papers lying about in my new car, I shall be reluctantly compelled to request you to ride in the boot.

If you can't be good be careful.

‘Safety first, safety first, look before you leap.

One false step, if you don't think twice,

Bang goes your motto and mother's advice!'

etc etc.

xx D

Dad decided on a vivid tomato red BMW.

Budds Farm

Dearest L,

I hope you are in rude health and are not eating too much. Do you weigh 11 stone yet? Your dear mother is totally immersed in this ghastly local election in which she is a candidate. Talk about flaps! I don't know what she will do if she is beaten as she may well be as her opponent is very popular and has lived here a long time. Cringer is very well and sends you a big wet kiss backed by slightly smelly breath. We had the Parkinsons and Roper-Caldbecks to dinner – not very original or exciting. The Bomers are still in Minorca. Val Haslam is leaving to go and work in Newmarket. No news of your unpredictable brother Lupin but your lively sister Jane seems quite happy in Harrogate. I am off to Newmarket for 3 days next week, leaving on Thursday, the day after the election. Brigadier Gerard is running his last race on Saturday. He is now worth about two and a half million pounds. Nice work if you can get it!!

Best love,

D

My father tries to educate me about outstanding racehorses, which is slightly more interesting than my mother's council elections.

Brigadier Gerard's owners and breeders John and Jean Hislop, great friends of my parents, were two of the more entertaining characters in the racing world. Jean Hislop's outrageous behaviour, both on and off the racecourse, always amused my father.

On Brigadier Gerard's final appearance he defeated Riverman by one-and-a-half lengths to win his second Champion Stakes. He retired at the end of his four-year-old season, a winner of seventeen races from eighteen starts.

The Sunday Times

29 October

Dearest Lumpy

I hate Sundays. They really do depress me. Yesterday we went to a wedding at Wantage, a very pretty girl called Selina Meade, whose mother is an old girl friend of mine and who has presented her husband with no sons but six pretty and charming daughters. The reception was in a large marquee and luckily it was a warm, sunny afternoon. The flowers had to be seen to be believed. Your mother wore a purple hat and talked incessantly, few people hearing a single word she said. The evening before, Gypsy Lola and her husband, who is slightly cross-eyed, came to dinner. There was a lot of boring talk about the Garth Hunt. I just switched my mind off and thought of other things. There are a lot of rats here but the dogs and the cat are too overfed, lazy and stupid to catch any. I have no news of your sister Jane or your brother Lupin but very often no news is good news. You will be highly amused to hear that your slightly gaga father has been awarded a prize for being the outstanding racing journalist of the year (Loud cheers and some muffled laughter). I get presented with the ghastly thing at a large lunch (300 people) in London and look forward to the whole thing about as much as a visit to a Pakistani dentist. Anyway, to celebrate what would otherwise be a dreary incident, I am enclosing a small present. Don't spend it all on gin and improper magazines if you please. I trust Snouter is well and that you are looking after him as he is subject to colds from November onwards. Can it be true that you are coming home soon? If so, I think I will take a long weekend in Brighton.

Best love,

D

My father – always self-deprecating, even about the most serious of issues – is presented with the Clive Graham Memorial Trophy for racing journalist of the year.

The Sunday Times

25 November

Dearest Lumpy,

Thank you so much for your birthday card which I liked very much. I do hope you are having good fortune in your examinations papers and have not made too many gigantic blots on your answers. By the way, I simply cannot remember if I told you that Lord Belper was very pleased with the card you sent him and wishes you to give 2 lumps of sugar to Leo on his behalf. Your sister Jane came down here for a night, ate a lot and seemed in good form. I had to go to a big dinner in London last Wednesday. Princess Anne made a speech and was really quite amusing. Driving back through Newbury at 1.30 a.m. I was stopped by the police. They were making a check for stolen cars and I was NOT breathalysed. I have given Nidnod ear-rings for her silver wedding present; pearls with diamonds round them. She seems very pleased. Cousin Tom has given us a lovely ice bucket in which the ice keeps for a day or so. Last night we had a very good dinner with the Mayhew Saunders. I had Sarah Bomer on one side which was good but a truly tedious lady on the other. Tomorrow we have a singularly unpromising luncheon for Nidnod's hunting friends. One of the papers I write for is sending me a dozen bottles of champagne to celebrate winning the Derby award which is nice of them. I will keep a bottle for you and Emma in the holidays.