Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (15 page)

“Gracie is excited about meeting her uncle and great-grandmother. Are you on your way?”

“It won’t be much longer; I have been telling them about my memories, which is not exactly something I would want Gracie to hear.”

He seemed to understand and agreed that Gracie was too young for such detail. The interruption seemed to be what Jason and Evelyn needed to pull it together.

“I never realized how bad it was, but I did assume he had to be a bad guy,” Stephen said with a look of sorrow.

“Why would you assume anything?” I asked. “You were an infant when he died.”

He explained that when he was around fourteen, after his grandfather had passed, he decided to find out about his birth father’s family. He was able to locate them with help from Evelyn and went for a visit.

“Let me just say, Ralph Dark was a product of his father’s cruelty and his mother’s fear. I knew they were aware of my existence because my grandparents had told me Paul and Marie Dark had also been notified after the fire. They were told they could apply for guardianship. They wanted no part of it. Of course, when you’re a teenage boy and you think you know everything,
you just know the grass is greener… well you know.”

Stephen gave Evelyn a grin and winked at her. She could only smile at him behind her tears over what was obviously a tense time in her life.

“I guess I was missing my grandfather so much and wanted a father in my life. A boy that age needs a dad who understands guy things. I arrived on their doorstep expecting to be welcomed with open arms since I was the only child of the son they’d lost. I had built up how great it would be. I would be their second chance, a replacement for Ralph to fill the void. Let me just say, my dreams of that perfect life turned into a nightmare as soon as they opened the door.

Ralph’s dad was mean and hurtful, and he basically told me if I wanted to live there with them it was fine, but I would work for my keep and if I got out of line he would do the same thing to me he’d done to his own boy. He then proceeded to show me a thick belt that hung on the back of the door. He folded the belt in half and made a loud slapping noise with it, then laughed the most evil laugh I have ever heard. His wife looked frail and scared out of her mind. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me, her own grandson. I think she knew within minutes that I would not stay, and she didn’t want to love me and have to feel the pain she knew would come when I did leave.

Paul Dark had nothing nice to say about his son either. He basically told me if I was as worthless as my father had turned out to be, he didn’t want me anyway. I was only there for a few days. As soon my grandmother could arrange my bus ticket, I was ready to leave there and never look back. I hurried home as quickly as the bus would carry me and gave her the biggest hug she’d ever received when I got home.” Stephen nodded toward Evelyn.

Evelyn gave him a big smile and nudged him with her elbow. Stephen came over and sat by me. I think he felt guilty for not saving me as I had saved him, but what could he have possibly done? He wasn’t even alive during most of it.

“I had no idea what he’d done to you, and I am so sorry for the things he put you through, but I’m not shocked by it.”

I suppose in an effort to relieve some of the guilt, I tried to explain how most of the memories were Evie’s and not really mine. I knew it probably didn’t make a lot of sense to them. After all, it didn’t make sense to me either, but I explained to them how I felt like the memories belonged to the little girl Evie from my dreams. At least at that time, it didn’t feel like those things had happened to me directly.

“It still feels like we are two separate people, and I am just helping her heal. I know that sounds strange, but it is the only way I know how to explain it.”

Stephen smiled as if he understood completely, or at least accepted my explanation, and gave me a cautious hug.

“Katherine, I have something I was asked to give you,” Evelyn said.

She handed me a sealed envelope with writing on the outside that said, “Would love to meet you, too” and was signed below by Frank Moon Sr. and Ruth Moon. Inside the envelope I found a letter and a picture. The picture was of a handsome young man with blond curly hair and blue eyes. He was smiling big and holding a little girl in his lap. His eyes gave proof of how proud he was of the child. I turned the picture over and it said “Frank and Evie at one-year-old” and they’d written, “He loved you so much.” I looked up at Evelyn with tears in my eyes, and without thinking about it at all, I hugged her tightly and thanked her. She started to cry with me and said both sets of grandparents had had a rocky beginning because of what happened with their kids but over time they’d become good friends.

“We were envious of them because their son had reconnected with them once you were born. He wouldn’t tell them where he and Grace were living, but he would send pictures to them and he called a couple of times. Then when Frank was killed, the Moons blamed us for his death for a long while. They told us if we had not been so hard on Grace that Frank would have brought them back home. Maybe they were right,” Evelyn said sadly. “After Grace died they felt more compassion for us. We had our grief in common, I guess. They reached out to us and offered their sympathy. We stopped blaming each other and started to lean on each other.”

Evelyn looked at me with tears clinging to her lashes and placed her hand over mine.

“They shared your baby pictures with us.”

She swallowed hard, struggling to keep her composure, but I could see the pleading in her expression. “Please forgive me, Katherine. Don’t hate me for turning Grace away… for turning you away. We just stared into each other’s eyes for a while, and I think she saw the softening in my face. She smiled and took a ragged breath before speaking again.

“All four of us tried to find you after things settled down but with no luck.”

The picture was the only one I had of my daddy and the only one of me as a baby. Why hadn’t I thought about finding my paternal grandparents? I was so concerned with finding my brother that I had not stopped to think about the other set of grandparents I had. The letter inside the envelope was several pages, so I would wait until I was alone to read it.

“Please tell them I want very much to meet them. We will get together soon.

Chapter Ten

It was time to take them to my house to meet Jason and Gracie. It was a little awkward at first, but Jason was great. He and Stephen hit it off right away. Basketball was a common love and in a matter of minutes they were best buds. Gracie had no idea who those people were, but she warmed up to them quickly. I only introduced them as my friends. I wanted to wait before telling her they were her great-grandmother and uncle. It would be hard to explain in a way that would not confuse her; plus, in a matter of weeks I would probably be meeting Frank Moons’ parents and that would mean more great-grandparents who suddenly came into her life. I was still working hard on absorbing the information myself, so to spring it on a young child might be too much. I also had my parents over to meet Stephen and Evelyn the following day. It was a wonderful visit. Gracie adored them both and they brought her gifts on their second visit. It looked as if they had bought out the store.

“We have to make up for lost time,” Stephen explained.

My emotions were in overdrive. I would sit and watch the interactions between the people I’d thought to be my only family until recently and the people who I’d only met three days ago. It was hard to believe how close I felt to them already. Evie had never met her grandmother, and Stephen was an infant when they were separated, so I knew what I felt was new to Evie as well. It wasn’t some memory trying to bleed through. After five wonderful days with them, it was time for Stephen and Evelyn to return to Oklahoma. I hated to see them leave and promised I would come to visit them soon and to meet the Moons. They gave me the Moons’ phone number in case I wanted to call them. I promised I would soon. They also wanted me to let them know how my therapy went.

“Please call us when you remember more about the fire,” Evelyn pleaded. “I just want to know about Grace and exactly what happened that night.”

She tried not to let it show, but I could see the guilt and heartbreak in her pleading blue eyes. I promised I would. I’d met them for a very early breakfast at the restaurant connected to their hotel. Then I drove them the two blocks to the airport.

They were about to head into the airport when Evelyn gave me another hug and whispered to me, “I love you, Katherine Hunter. Promise me you believe that.”

My heart was in my throat. I realized that she had probably said that very thing to Grace, and Grace had said it to Evie. It made the connection overpoweringly real, and I managed to whisper, “I promise.”

Once they were gone, I was exhausted from the emotions I’d experienced since meeting them. How could I feel so close to two people whose existence I’d only been aware of for a few short weeks? I felt a strong connection to them, but I seemed to be separating it from Evie all together. The experience had been so positive and made me so happy that I wanted to make it all mine. And as strange as it sounds, I didn’t want to share it with Evie. Something deep inside me told me there were still things only Evie could handle. She was protecting me until she felt I could accept the truth and deal with it. So if this child could be so protective of me, how could I be so selfish with the happy moments? I was beginning to think that Evie was not the weak little girl who I was meant to protect. Instead she was the strong one who had suffered the unimaginable, and she was protecting me from the pain that was sure to come with the truth.

Once Stephen and Evelyn were on their way, I sat in my car and pulled the letter I had received from Frank and Ruth Moon out of my purse. Evie was close to her father for the short time he was in her life. I hope along with those horrible memories she also can remember the love. I hope she can remember the father who beamed with pride as he held his child.

I knew as I read the letter from Frank Moon’s parents that I would like them. The letter placed no blame on anyone. They spoke of their son. They told me what a sweet boy he’d been and how proud they were of the man he’d grown into. They explained how he had been with a friend one night, and in a foolish moment the friend had pitched a rock at the window of a man who’d cheated his father on a business deal. Frank didn’t throw the rock and his friend told the police he’d nothing to do with it, but he was still labeled by the people in that small town as a troublemaker. It was another example of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

They also wrote how much they liked Grace. Ruth said she loved her like a daughter and was thrilled when Frank started dating her. They were concerned when Frank told them Grace was pregnant. They told their son he would have to be responsible for the child he’d fathered, but they wanted them to wait until he was out of school and at least eighteen before getting married. Apparently Grace’s dad had told them they could not see each other anymore, and Frank knew they would have to run away to stay together. They admitted to being angry with Grace and her parents when Frank was killed.

“We were overwhelmed by grief and desperate to make some sense of it.”

Ruth ended her letter with a proclamation of love. “Frank told us all about you, and we loved you from the beginning. We couldn’t find you, but we never stopped loving you. My dream is that we will see you face-to-face someday. I hope to see signs of my beautiful boy in your eyes.”

After seeing the picture they’d sent with the letter, I knew they would see their son in me, and I couldn’t wait for the day that I would meet them.

Dear Evie:

If only you could have been raised by Frank and Grace, how different your life would have been. You could have been spared so much pain. Your father was a handsome man. You have his blond curls, and your blue eyes are like both of your parents. I could tell he was proud of you, and I believe that he and Grace are together again. I think they are helping us remember the things we need to in order to heal our wounded spirits. Keep talking, Evie. Tell me what happened to us the night of the fire. Once I remember the truth, it will set us both free.

Stephen is wonderful. I’m glad you were able to save him from the fire and that I got to meet our grandmother, Evelyn. I promise we will meet Frank’s parents soon. I love you, Evie. I promise.

Katherine

***

It had been several weeks since my last visit with Dr. Anna, and I was eager to talk to her. I was feeling stronger after meeting my new found family and wanted to face the final memories, no matter how painful they were. I wanted to remember for Evie and for Evelyn so they would know what happened to Grace. I wanted to be able to tell Stephen the truth about his father and to let Jason know why my childhood had been blocked from my memory. I wanted Dr. Anna to be able to close the book on this unsolved mystery that had held a spot on her shelf for twenty years. I even wanted to uncover the memories so Bill and Vanessa Tipton would know they had done the right thing by taking me into their home and making me their daughter. They had saved me.

I also wanted to know for me. I needed to know what happened in that house that was so horrific that Evie had disappeared and stayed invisible for all those years. I knew it would either be the end of her or the beginning, but either way, I wanted the truth. It was the only missing piece to the puzzle now, and then there could be healing.
A child can not heal until she is heard
, I reminded myself to help build my courage. Evie you would be heard.

It was good to see Dr. Anna again. She explained that she and her husband had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii, and her son and his girlfriend had joined them. I don’t know why it shocked me. I had assumed she lived in the house and was divorced or widowed. She laughed at my assumptions.

“No, dear, I don’t live here. I just feel, since I work mostly with children, that the home setting is less intimidating than a typical doctor’s office. It’s why I don’t wear a doctor’s white coat. So much of their lives have been scary and painful. A doctor’s office and the white coat have often meant stitches, broken bones, and even people coming to take them away from their parents until questions could be answered. I hoped it would feel like coming to visit a nice aunt,” she explained. “I wanted this house to represent comfort and safety.”

She was exactly right. Even as an adult patient, I felt like I was visiting a friend in her home, not coming for an appointment with my psychiatrist. We chatted for several more minutes about family matters and got caught up on things that had happened in our lives that had nothing to do with why I was there. Once that was finished, I began to tell her about my brother and grandmother coming to visit. I showed her the picture of Frank and Evie and the note that came with it.

My dreams and memories had all but stopped in the last few weeks. The memories seemed like any other memory now. Not like a scary replay of something that was happening to a little girl. They had slipped into the same place in my brain that held my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, or a past trip. I could pull them up when I wanted to think about them, but they no longer controlled me. The bad ones still made me sad, but I wasn’t afraid of them.

“Well, Katherine, you have made a lot of progress since we talked last time. Maybe now that you have been able to deal with those memories you will be ready to move forward. You always seem to stop at the same place. Evie has given you the memories you could handle and you seem to have dealt with them. Now we need to see if she will give you the memory that deals with the fire. I want us to start at the point where we always seem to stop.”

I hoped she was right. I felt ready. I had tried on my own to make myself remember the night of the fire. In my own efforts, my mind had refused to go past a certain point. Dr. Anna pointed toward my now familiar resting spot in the darkest corner of her office. The warm throw draped over her arm as she adjusted the lamp to its lowest setting to establish a more restful atmosphere for the session.

“I am going to take a little different approach this time if that’s all right with you,” she said.

I nodded in agreement and took my place on the divan then tried hard to relax. My body was tense, and she could tell I was pretending to appear relaxed because I wanted it to be over. She covered me, and then took her seat near my side.

“Katherine, let’s see if we can help you relax first. Remember our exercise. Put your arms at your side with your palms facing down. Now, close your eyes and breathe through your nose.”

She touched me gently as she whispered her instruction. I followed her directions and tried to make myself relax. Her voice was as soft as a cloud, and it made me feel drowsy and peaceful as usual. As she continued, I began to feel as if I no longer lived in my body but was somewhere else listening for direction. She would pause after each suggestion to allow me to absorb it and comply.

“First, allow your feet to be totally relaxed. Now work up to legs… arms… hands. Now feel your whole body as it gives in. You will be asleep, but you will still hear my voice. You will not be afraid of the memory, because I am here with you. Can you remember that I am here and you are safe?”

I heard myself say yes but it seemed dreamlike.

“Now, Katherine, when I count to three you will be fully asleep but you will remember everything. One… two… three…”

She counted slowly and with each number I felt my body grow heavy and limp. It seemed to dissolve and only my thoughts were left. The second I heard the final number I was there with Evie.