Dear Blue Sky (18 page)

CHAPTER 45

FRESH REDUX

 

To: Rob

From: Cassie

Subject: Fresh

Still wanna go? If yes, when?

C

 

To: Cassie

From: Rob

Subject: Re: Fresh

2morrow?

R

The next day when I collected Jack, I didn't tell him we were going to Fresh. We walked out of school like we always did. I waved to Rob, who said good-bye to his friends and jogged over. “Hey, Cass. Jack. Gimme five, man.”

“We're going to Fresh, Jack,” I said. “You can get whatever you want.”

“Let's go!” Jack said, stomping his feet, right then left then right.

“Are we marching there?” Rob asked me.

“Ask the marine,” I said.

Rob laughed. His hand brushed mine as we walked behind Jack. “So why'd you wait so long to email me again?” Rob asked quietly.

“I was waiting for you to email me.”

“I emailed you last.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did.”

“It's probably sitting in your unsent messages.”

Jack turned around. “Are you guys fighting?”

“No,” I said. “Rob just has memory loss.”

Jack looked from me to Rob and back, then yelled, “Race you!” He sprinted ahead.

We ran the whole way there. Inside smelled of chocolate and butter and fresh bread. At the counter, a blender was whirring and a girl in overalls was steaming milk. We ordered three slices of chocolate pie. It had meringue on the bottom, a layer of chocolate, a layer of chocolate and whipped cream, and whipped cream on the top. Rob wouldn't let me pay. “It was my idea,” he said, carrying the tray to our table.

“I asked you,” I said.

“Jack, tell your sister to believe me. It's like she barely noticed me for months, and now she's giving me a hard time. I mean, did you ever look at me once?”

“Okay, I'm looking at you now,” I said. “You have whipped cream on your chin.”

He groaned and wiped it off.

“Can I get another?” Jack asked.

“You'll be sick, Jack.”

“No I won't. I never get sick.”

“Sure, you can have another,” Rob told Jack. He turned to me. “I'm going to ask you the next time. Let's just get that out in the open.”

“When?” I asked.

• • •

The next morning at school, Sonia was at the bathroom mirror brushing her hair when I went to wash my hands.

She tilted her head and smoothed her bangs. “Your hair looks good down.”

“Thanks.” I flipped it over my shoulder so it fell down my back.

“You should wear it like that all the time.”

I realized this was the first time I'd seen Sonia without anyone else around. Why was I nervous?

“I heard you went to Fresh with Rob,” she said.

“Yeah. Jack went too.” More quietly, I said, “Is that why you're talking to me now?”

She folded her brush and slipped it in her backpack. “My mom said I should talk to you. She said it wasn't your fault. You know, whatever stupid thing happened between my dad and your mom. I don't even want to think about it.”

She smiled a little. I did too.

I tried to remember all the things that I wanted to tell her. “I feel like you snapped on me because I don't know why—I'm not perfect or cool enough or something.” I shook the water from my hands. “I mean, okay, we are kind of crazy, but at least we realize that, and we're trying to make things better. And it wasn't really anything to do with me anyway—what happened.”

She turned to me as if she was going to say something else. But the bathroom door opened and someone came in along with the hallway noise of students on their way to their next classes, and then the moment was gone.

• • •

Toward the end of lunch, Rob came over and sat with me and Kim. I saw Sonia watching us.

“Hope I'm not interrupting,” he said.

“Kim was just telling me that her cousin is coming home from Iraq,” I said.

“Sef is next,” Kim said.

“Tell me that again,” I said.

She did.

“You know everything is okay, right?” Rob said.

“Not really. Why would I?” I asked.

“Because it is. Right now it is.” He shrugged. “My mom's a Buddhist.”

I stared at him. “Oh, yeah?”

He smiled. “Her favorite saying is ‘You only lose what you cling to.'”

I put down my sandwich. “How do you stop clinging?”

“You breathe in. And out.” He breathed dramatically. “And let it go. You try, anyway.”

I did. I breathed in and out. “There's going to be a lot of breathing going on,” I said.

“Yup,” Rob said. “A little deeper.”

“Like this?” I said.

“Maybe not so loud,” Rob told me.

Kim cracked up. “Somehow I don't think this is what your mom had in mind.”

We were all breathing so hard at once, we started laughing until we were choking.

CHAPTER 46

GHOSTS

 

To: Cassie

From: Sef

Subject: Baghdad school

 

Hi Cass,

Today we went to this girls' school close to where we're stationed because we're supposed to be making connections here. I saw a girl who reminded me of you. She had her hair pulled back like yours, and she was about your age. I asked her what we could do to help. At first she didn't say anything. Neither did her friends. They were too polite or something. I asked again. She finally said, “You could go back to your country.”

She wasn't trying to be mean or anything, really. She just really wanted us to leave. The truth is I'm just trying to stay alive—to keep all of us alive. I didn't tell you, but Mark was injured pretty badly. He's in a hospital in Germany now. A couple others too. And one of the guys in another troop was found dead in the showers. I met him before. He seemed like everyone else. He was married, and his wife was pregnant. They're saying it was an electrical problem, as in cover-up for a suicide. There's no way. I know I shouldn't tell you any of this, but I feel like you want to know what's going on. I've heard it's happening at home too. Scary to think these could be your own guys. Now I have a whole new set of nightmares.

We had to raid a house the other night. We were told they were terrorists, but I can't tell who's a terrorist and who's not. We just do what we're told. Someone emptied a sack of flour all over the kitchen. The family was still in their pajamas. There were these white footprints everywhere, like ghosts were walking around. The women were crying, and all I could think of was Mom. What if it were Mom? When we left, we gave the kids chocolate bars.

I get this big feeling that I should pray, but I don't know how to. My goal is to learn. It's starting to get hot already. Supposed to be 120 in July. Jason would melt. I'm going to stop now. Give me a good kick in the butt—I'm complaining like a baby.

Don't tell Mom yet, but we might have our tour extended. I have to keep these guys safe. They are doing that much for me.

Stay strong for me. Miss you.

Love,

Sef

 

To: Blue Sky

From: Cassie

Subject: No Subject

 

Dear Blue Sky,

Thank you for writing and answering my questions. I hope you and your family are safe, no matter what happens. I wish I knew where you were. Looks like Sef's tour will probably be extended. I miss hearing from you. Jack started talking again. I hope your brother is still talking. Tomorrow I present you to my social studies class. I won't forget you, Blue Sky. Ever. I will think of you every day. Write to me when you can. I'll be waiting.

Cassie

CHAPTER 47

THE THING WITH FEATHERS

IN SOCIAL STUDIES
the next day, I stood before the class. Mr. Barkan was at his desk with his head down, chewing on his glasses. He had the same too-short brown pants he always wore and his clunky shoes. I pressed my paper as tightly as I could. The words blurred on the page. I thought of Blue Sky and tried to keep my voice steady as I read her interview questions.

When I finished, I looked at Rob and took a deep breath. He smiled at me. Mr. Barkan asked, “Do you want to tell us why you chose Blue Sky?”

“I chose her because she lives in Iraq, and that's where my brother is fighting. And because of a song Sef used to listen to called ‘Good-bye Blue Sky.'”

Kim looked up from her doodling and grinned. I hadn't told her that part. Someone thumped his hands on his desk.

“No musical interludes necessary,” Mr. Barkan said. “Thank you, Cassie. Who has a question?”

I looked around the room.

“Does Blue Sky
want
to go to school?” Lisa asked.

“Yes, believe it or not. But it was too dangerous getting there with all the bombs going off and people disappearing. So a lot of days, she couldn't get there even if—”

“Like a snow day, but a bomb day.” Brandon smiled and his eyes darted around the room. “I'd love to miss a couple of days because of
bombs
.”

A few people laughed.

“Bombs are a little different than snow,” I said. “Besides, she can't even leave her house, and they often have no electricity or running water.”

Dave Swanson said, “Cool.”

“That is totally not cool,” Michaela said.

“Can you tell us a little about what you think of the war in general?” Mr. Barkan asked.

“I'm against the war, but I support Sef,” I admitted. “I actually didn't think about the war that much before Sef went there, and I didn't think about their side of it at all until I read Blue Sky's blog.”

Mr. Barkan stood and walked in front of the class. “Do you see what a difference it makes to read another person's point of view? You get a more complete understanding of history by seeing both sides. How's your brother doing over there?”

“He's doing all right, but he says everything's a mess. He sees people die, cars and buildings blown up every day.” I glanced at Sonia. She was the only one who actually knew him.

Dave sat forward in his chair. His eyes were bright. “It must be like A & A, this awesome video game I play.”

“It's real,” I said. “It's not a video game.”

“A & A is totally real. I can be any general and blow up—”

“Now are you going to ask her how many people her brother has blown away?” Brandon asked.

“Okay. How many people has your brother blown away?” Dave asked.

I wasn't going to tell them anything. They didn't know a thing about Sef. Everything looked grainy, like rain on glass in front of me. I started shaking. I couldn't breathe. My paper slipped between my fingers. I looked at Rob and remembered what he'd said to me before. “You only lose what you cling to.”

“Cassie, are you all right?” Mr. Barkan asked.

I couldn't feel myself. I ran out the door, down the hallway, and through the front entrance of the school into the cold air. I kept going all the way down to the football field, to the bleachers. I sat on the bleachers and put my head between my knees. Underneath the metal seats, there was a dead bird on the top of the snow. Little and brown and speckled—a sparrow, I guessed. I thought of what Blue Sky had written on her blog. “Hope is the thing with feathers.” My face was wet and cold. I shivered and wiped under my eyes with my sweatshirt. Sef wasn't going to die. He couldn't. I should have said that instead of running away. I would. I swore it.

Someone was walking out to get me. Sonia. She stood in front of me.

“Did Mr. Barkan send you to get me?”

She nodded.

“I just couldn't breathe in there. I have to work on my breathing.” I laughed a little.

She nodded. “Can I sit down?”

“Yeah.”

“I've been acting like a jerk. I shouldn't have blamed you for my dad. It wasn't fair.” She kicked the ice with her brown leather riding boots. “I just didn't want to believe he would act like that with my best friend's mother. I didn't want to believe it at all. I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry things got so messed up. Everything got so stressful with Sef.”

“No.” She shook her head. “Please don't apologize for Sef.”

I pointed to the dead sparrow.

“Don't look at that. He's going to come home again, Cassie, and he's going to be fine.”

“You don't know if he'll be fine.” I turned to her. “He's never going to be the same again. He won't be the Sef who left. Do you know what that means?”

She looked down, and I could tell that I had hurt her.

“He'll still be Sef,” she said softly, and pulled her sweater tighter around her. “Hey, let's bury this bird after school. I'll get a box.”

“Okay,” I said. I saw
her
—not the clothes, the hair, the makeup—just Sonia.

“We should go back. It's freezing out here.”

“Mr. Barkan is going to think we took off,” I said.

“Maybe we should,” she said. “Remember when we were going to run away to Swallow River?”

“Yeah, nobody would have ever found us there,” I joked.

We started back across the frozen field.

“Thanks for getting me,” I said.

“Anything to get out of social studies.” She smiled at me. “So are you going to tell me about Rob, or what?”

“I like him.”

“No kidding.” She laughed.

“And I think he likes me. I mean just for me.”

“Just for you.” She looked at me then as if she was seeing me—Cassie—for the first time in a long time. “You can sit with us at lunch if you want.”

I said, “You can sit with us too.”

CHAPTER 48

EVERY LAST THING

WE TOOK FRIDAY
off of school to go to the Cape. It was a little rainy but mild, and I could smell the sea. I felt for my blue stone in my pocket. We carried our things into the hotel and unpacked. Then Van, Jack, and I headed for the beach.

“When I grow up, I'm going to go to the Dolphin Inn whenever I want,” Jack said. “Every week.”

“I guess you're going to be rich,” Van said.

“I'm going to be Jack,” he said. “Just Jack.”

Van smiled. “I'm glad you're talking again, Jack.”

“Me too. I can do anything—right, Cass? I'm never ever going to die!” Jack ran ahead, kicking the sand.

“Truth or truth?” I asked Van.

“Truth.”

She looked up at the sun, her eyes brownish hazel in the light. She wore sneakers and jeans like me, and a black sweater, which along with her dark hair made her face paler, even more striking.

“What do you want to be?” I asked.

“I don't want to be afraid of everything.”

“You can be Supergirl, too!” Jack shouted into the wind.

“
You're
Supergirl?” Van smiled at me.

“Yup.”

“Truth or truth, Supergirl?” Van asked.

“Truth.”

“What do you want to be?”

“I want Sef to come home.”

“Me too, but what do you want for you? Just you.”

“To be happy.” I thought of what Blue Sky had said.
No one is happy about a thing until it is lost.
I wanted to be happy before anything was lost. Right now.

I breathed in the salty air. I said, “I had a dream about Blue Sky. She said that I wouldn't remember her. I told her that I would. I couldn't see her anywhere. I could just hear her talking. I told her that I'd remember every last thing. But I don't know if she heard me. There was just cloudy air all around me.” I pointed up. “Like this.”

“Blue Sky didn't disappear. And I bet she wouldn't want you to worry about her,” Van said.

“It's just weird that no one here seems to care much,” I said.

“Yeah, it's a lot easier when you don't have to think about war and people dying and stuff.”

“But we have to think about it, Van. We have to—to make things better,” I said. “Like Sef would.”

“Yeah,” Van said. “But it's hard.”

Seagulls screamed past us.

“Things okay on the Finn front?” I asked.

“Finn who?” she said.

“Finn peaze train!” Jack yelled.

“Does he hear everything?” Van asked.

“I think so. He knows that Sef killed someone,” I whispered. “Don't ask how. He just does. He knows way more than I ever knew.”

Jack bolted over the wet sand, skipping over the breaking waves. I'd always thought about how he needed us, but we needed him just as much. Maybe even more.

Jack lay down and spread out his arms and legs in the sand, making an angel. “And miles to go before I sleep,” he said softly. “And miles to go before I sleep.”

“Van?” I asked.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember when we used to go sledding?”

“I remember being scared to death.” She laughed. “I was always scared, and you were always in the front. And we'd go so fast.”

“I was scared too. I just pretended not to be,” I said.

“Do you remember ‘You will fly to success!'?” I asked her.

“Sef's fortune cookie?”

I nodded. “Do you believe in those things?”

“Yeah, I guess. You've got to believe in something.”

“Yeah, that's true,” I said. “We have to believe that no matter what happens, we'll be okay. Swear on it, Van. Swear you'll be here for me when I need you. Swear that you won't disappear again.”

“I swear.”

“I do too.”

I looked up. The winter sun was barely visible in the haze. I said, “Doesn't it seem like he's been gone for a long time?”

“So long. About a lifetime.”

“I didn't think we'd be able to do it. To” —I paused—“I don't know,
live
without him. But we are. We are living.” I laughed and the wind carried my laughter.

Jack got up and sprinted toward the water. Van held my arm when I started after him. “Wait,” she said.

He ran straight in, his arms flapping above the waves, until he was waist-high. “Sef! Sef!” he yelled. “Look at me. I can swim! I can do anything!” He whooped it up, then charged back to shore. “It's too cold. I'll swim more later.”

I looked to the golden eye of the sun as I ran across the sand toward the water. A wave crashed, and the sea sprayed up on my face and arms. This was my life.

“Come on!” I called to Jack and Van, and I took off running down the beach, breathing.