Dead Clown Barbecue (36 page)

Authors: Jeff Strand

BOOK: Dead Clown Barbecue

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"The Big Bite."
The inspiration for this story is right in the first sentence: if a vampire were sixty-five feet tall and going on a destructive rampage, the fact that it was a vampire would be largely irrelevant. This story is silly even by my standards, and, to be perfectly honest, not one of my most popular. But when the anthology
Monstrous
was reviewed on the podcast Dread Media, host Desmond Reddick said it was his favorite piece in the collection, and one of the funniest stories he'd ever read. We've since become good friends (though we've never met in person), he's been a huge supporter of my work, and my own dumb little Gleefully Macabre podcast is hosted by Dread Media. So "The Big Bite" was totally worth it.

"We Believe."
After doing a major redesign on my website, which allowed people to post comments, I put up this story as a holiday freebie. The very first comment was something to the effect of "What an awful story. I hope this isn't representative of the stuff you actually charge money for." And I thought "Well, my website should be a forum where people can express honest opinions, and if he didn't like the story, he is completely within his rights to tell me so." Then a couple of days later I thought, "This is
my
website. Fuck that guy," and deleted his comment.

"Poor Career Choice."
When I was compiling stories for my first collection,
Gleefully Macabre Tales,
I was on the fence about including the three Andrew Mayhem stories I'd written. This was partly because a publisher had asked about doing a hardcover omnibus of the novels (a project that is now deceased, may it rest in peace) and I thought I might reprint them there, but more importantly . . . y'know, I just don't think the other two stories are all that great. In fact, I kind of regret letting JA Konrath talk me into including them in
Suckers.
But I do like "Poor Career Choice," which originally appeared in
These Guns For Hire
, edited by Mr. Konrath. He made me cut a few jokes, and though I agreed with his editorial brutality, I've decided to include the (mostly) original version here.

"True Hero"
A goofy little sketch comedy-esque tale written just for this collection. I inflict ghastly violence upon my characters while cackling with maniacal glee, but I honestly felt kind of bad writing about a poor guy not getting the credit he deserves for a selfless act.

"Chomp (A Cautionary Tale)."
I speak with an American accent but I have very British sensibilities when it comes to characters having very mild reactions to unspeakably gruesome violence. As I've said before in these notes, I love to do things in short stories that I couldn't do in novels. In a full-length novel, even a horror/comedy, I try to have characters react to horrific situations as if they were genuinely horrific. In a short story, it's fun to have characters react with a shrug when people are shrieking and spurting blood everywhere. In real life, it's a mix of the two; I try to assist people with their medical needs, but while I do so I'm all like "Ha ha! You lost an arm!"

"The Severed Nose"
The closing novella! (Or "novelette." You paid for this book, so you can pick.) I have no idea why the removal of body parts is a recurring theme in my work, but just off the top of my head, people lose pieces of themselves in
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), Lost Homicidal Maniac (Answers to "Shirley"), A Bad Day For Voodoo, The Sinister Mr. Corpse, Pressure, Wolf Hunt, Faint of Heart, Benjamin's Parasite
(if you count teeth),
Fangboy
(again, if you count teeth, although now we're kind of forcing it), more that I'm sure I'm missing, and probably many novels to come. Also "Chomp (A Cautionary Tale)," which you read right before "The Severed Nose" if you're reading these stories in order, which scientific studies have shown you're probably not.

"Dummy."
There really isn't much sex in this book, is there? Certainly less than
Gleefully Macabre Tales.
My bad. Though this story doesn't offer hot XXX puppet action, it does feature people going at it. Not in such a way that you'd highlight the pages and re-read it while whispering "
Oh, yeah
. . ." but, hey, not every book can be
50 Shades of Grey.
When I was a kid, I read a book on ventriloquism, which said that because you can't pronounce some sounds without moving your lips, you have to replace them with other sounds. So, for example, when you go through the alphabet, the letter W would be pronounced as "duggle-you." When I did the alphabet for my friend, he laughed and said "
Duggle
-you???" It was not a good ventriloquism book.

"Story Notes"
Not too long ago I was following an online discussion about what people liked and didn't like about short story collections. Many people said that they hate it when the story notes are at the end of the book instead of after each story. I took that under consideration . . . but I don't think most readers even care about the author's comments, and it would just be something annoying to skip after each story. What do
you
think?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Strand's previous short story collection,
Gleefully Macabre Tales
, was nominated for the Bram Stoker Award for Best Fiction Collection, although he lost to Stephen King and curses Mr. King to this day. His novels include
Pressure
,
Dweller
,
A Bad Day for Voodoo
,
Wolf Hunt
, and a bunch of others, including
Benjamin's Parasite
and
The Sinister Mr. Corpse
, and some others, including
Mandibles
and
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)
, along with others.

His short fiction has appeared in such anthologies as
The Monster's Corner
,
These Guns for Hire
, and all three volumes of the
Blood Lite
series. He lives in Tampa, Florida, and you can visit his Gleefully Macabre website at
www.JeffStrand.com
.

OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF STRAND

Pressure.
What if your best friend was a killer . . . and he wanted you to be just like him? Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.

Dweller
. The story of a decades-long friendship between Toby and the monster that lives in the woods behind his home. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.

Wolf Hunt.
Two thugs for hire. One beautiful woman. And one vicious frickin' werewolf.

Suckers (with JA Konrath).
Andrew Mayhem meets Harry McGlade. Which one will prove to be more incompetent?

A Bad Day For Voodoo.
A young adult horror/comedy about why sticking pins in a voodoo doll of your history teacher isn't always the best idea.

Fangboy
. A dark comedy fairy tale about the adventures of Nathan Pepper, who was born with a mouth full of sharp teeth.

The Sinister Mr. Corpse.
The feel-good zombie novel of the year.

Benjamin's Parasite.
A rather disgusting action/horror/comedy about why getting infected with a ghastly parasite is unpleasant.

Kutter.
Charlie Stanlon is a reprehensible serial killer, a vicious beast who cares about nobody . . . until he finds an injured Boston Terrier in the park . . .

Gleefully Macabre Tales.
A collection of thirty-two demented tales. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Collection.

The Severed Nose.
What would you do if you came home one evening and found a severed nose lying on a plate on your dining room table?

Disposal
. Frank, a self-proclaimed scumbag, is hired to murder an old man . . . but the old bastard just won't DIE!!!

Elrod McBugle on the Loose.
A comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids).

Out of Whack.
A coming-of-age comedy about love, friendship, and the realization that trying to yank somebody's panties off in a passionate manner can only lead to wedgies.

How to Rescue a Dead Princess.
A ridiculous spoof of fantasy novels. Lots and lots and lots of jokes, but I'm willing to admit that it perhaps tries a bit too hard.

The Haunted Forest Tour (with Jim Moore).
The greatest theme park attraction in the world! Take a completely safe ride through an actual haunted forest! Just hope that your tram doesn't break down, because this forest is PACKED with monsters . . .

Draculas (with JA Konrath, Blake Crouch, and F. Paul Wilson).
An outbreak of feral vampires in a secluded hospital. This one isn't much like
Twilight.

For information on all of these books, visit Jeff Strand's more-or-less official website at
http://www.jeffstrand.com
.

Find him on Facebook at
https://www.facebook.com/JeffStrandAuthorFanPage
.

To subscribe to Jeff Strand's newsletter, email
[email protected]
.

CREDITS

"Pett Semmuteary," "Stop Stabbing Me," "Dummy," "Pregnancy Test," "True Hero," "Fangboy and the Troll," and "Push The Button" are previously unpublished.

"Comeuppance" Horror World. 2007.

"The Apocalypse Ain't So Bad"
Horror Library, Volume 3.
2008.

"Work/Life Balance"
Help Wanted: Tales of On-The-Job Terror.
2012.

"Eight-Legged Vengeance"
Blood Lite II: Overbite.
2010.

"The Drop" Delirium Books website. 2007.

"Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine"
Desolate Souls.
2008.

"The Carver" World Horror Convention Souvenir Book. 2012.

"Here's What Happened . . ."
Waiting for October.
2007.

"The Bell . . . FROM HELL!!!"
Blood Lite.
2008.

"Bad Cover Art" Originally published as "The Cover"
Necrotic Tissue
#10. 2010.

"My Knife Collection"
Cemetery Dance
#60. 2009.

"Drain Bamage"
Horror Library, Volume 4.
2010.