Daydreaming of Silent Deaths

DAYDREAMING OF SILENT DEATHS

BIANCA MARINA

Dedication:

To the people out there who need someone to care about them.

Epigraph

We build walls around our hearts and wonder why no one loves us.

-
Anonymous

I wake up to the sound of the alarm clock and the first thing I see is my awkward reflection in the mirror. I start thinking about what am I going to do when I hear my mom call me from the kitchen.

“Honey, breakfast is ready!”

“What a hypocrite.” I think to myself.

Yesterday my mom and I had a huge fight because she complained that I was out partying too much this summer. I didn't get what was the big deal since summer was supposed to be a break from school.

"Shit."

It just hit me; today is the first day of my junior year. The thing is, I don't really want to go back to school. Last year was hard enough as it is with my boyfriend
Allen being shot right in front of me. We hadn’t being going out for long but watching him die like that; it’s an image I’ll never get out of my head. Nobody knew I was with him. That's why I wasn't allowed to be sad in front of anyone, especially my mom. So I had to suck it up, I guess he got what he deserved. He wasn't exactly a great guy more like an addict. That same addiction killed him. End of story, I didn't allow myself to think of it as anything else. So I guess you could say that I'm not doing that well emotionally. At least no one else has the power to hurt me anymore since I don't even have friends.

Without thinking about it
more I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and picked out the first thing I found from my closet. I didn't want to bring more attention to myself as it is so I just wore some blue jeans and a grey t-shirt. I got my blonde hair up in a ponytail and put on a black headband. After I was ready I went downstairs.

As I entered the kitchen, I saw my brother sitting down in front
of a plate with half eaten burritos.
Gross.
Next to him there was a plate with some eggs and toast that I guess were meant for me. I shrug because I don’t like eggs and head for the door. I’m already halfway there when I hear him say:

"And the bitch is awake, good for you Aurora. So exactly how hung-over are you?"

"I’m not and don't call me that Jake."

"Don’t call you what? Bitch?"

"Aurora"

"Oh right, I forgot you went by... What was it again?"

"Kate, my name is Kate."

"Your middle name is Kate, your name is Aurora."

"Whatever asshole."

"Aurora, language." My mom said as she went down the stairs.

"Don’t call me that!" I screamed, annoyed.

"What did I do now?"

I could tell she was absolutely clueless so I just scoffed and left out the door. Clearly she hasn't been paying attention to what I say since I've already told her a bunch of times I want to legally get my name changed to Kate. Aurora is overrated and it doesn’t fit my personality at all. Of course why would she listen to boring old me when she has her brand new boy toy to make out with on the couch? Simon is incredibly boring; I don’t know how she lives with him. I mean how needy can a woman get?  

It’s been like this ever since I can remember. Actually no, it’s been like this ever since my dad disappeared. At first my mom looked for him, thought maybe something had happened but as time passed she stopped. Although I know part of her is holding on to the hope that he’ll come back one day with an apology and a justified reason
to why he’s been gone all these years. The excuse better have something to do with being abducted by aliens or he can go kiss my ass. Jake thinks he just went off with some hot younger version of mom and started another family. He’s probably right though that doesn’t make him any less an ass as my dad. Him leaving really fucked Jake up though. He’s four years older than me so I guess that’s why. I don’t even remember my dad that much. I just know he didn’t seem like the type of person that would just leave their family without warning. Then again people aren’t always as great as you make them out to be and I was only five. I did used to wonder where he had gone off to but I don’t anymore. I didn’t understand before, I do now. He left because he didn’t love us. It’s as simple as that. If he did love us then he wouldn’t have left because you don’t abandon the people you love.

I wish I ‘d taken my own advice regarding
Allen. I mean I didn’t
love
him but he was my boyfriend. I still feel guilty for leaving him there but the guy was pointing a gun to me, I had no choice. I didn’t want to die, let alone like that. So I just ran, ran as fast as I could without looking back. I just couldn’t stay. And the blood, there was blood everywhere.

No. Don’t think about it.

I closed my eyes for 5 minutes and kept walking. I couldn’t let myself think about
Allen, not anymore.

I sit in my desk looking at my notebook. I’ve spent the last half-hour doodling on it while Mr. Johnson explained for the fourth time today that this year’s grades were obviously very important for college. He teaches advanced English, which is a class I was basically forced to take by my mother. Honestly I would’ve preferred regular English but mom was very insisting. Something about getting into a good college or whatever. However Mr. Johnson talks extremely slowly and I have no idea how much more of his babbling I can take. I was going to ask permission to go to the bathroom and instead walk around school when the bell rang.

“Don’t forget to hand in your homework tomorrow students, enjoy lunch.” He says as we all leave.

We have homework already? Man I wasn’t paying attention. I guess I’ll have to ask that weird kid
Chandler for the assignment. Though it would be easier if he wasn’t such a pervert and stopped staring at my boobs.

After I talked to Chandler who, like I predicted seemed to be staring about 7 inches lower from my face, I went to have lunch. The cafeteria was big and had windows everywhere.
They had just remodeled this summer. Through them I noticed that the day had turned awfully grey and rainy. I would much rather be at home sleeping, to be honest I was a little hung-over like my brother said. Last night I got home around 1:00 a.m. because I was at this end of summer college party. It was one of the wildest parties I’ve ever been to. Everyone was either high or drunk or off having sex with someone. Though I think that’s how all college parties go. I met this one guy, Robert. He was really nice and seemed kinda into me but I probably wont ever see him again so I shouldn’t think about him.

It was time to find somewhere to sit down. Most of the tables were already full and the ones that weren’t
I wasn’t welcomed in. So I decided to sit alone. About 1 minute into it Charlotte and her bitch posse walked over to me.
Well this is just great.

“Hello loser how was your summer? Hold on, why ask? We all know all you did was stay home and cry to your mommy.” Charlotte said meanly.

“Actually I was off going to parties and getting drunk. Of course you weren’t, you were too busy getting that fake nose and those fake boobs you fake bitch.” I answered bitterly.

“Well they’re not any faker than you,
liar.
Please, you and parties? Two things that don’t go well together at all.
”

“Just like you and slutty. Oh wait, they do. Syphilis was it? I can’t quite remember what the doctor told you when I bumped into you at the hospital clinic.”

“Come on guys she’s lying.” She told the other girls. I could tell I hit a nerve. Then she turned to me.

“You’re calling me a slut? Well you’re one to judge. How many guys has your mom brought home this summer, 30?”

“You take that back.” Now
she
hit a nerve.

“Guess you aren’t as tough as you seem.” She turned around and started to walk away when I shouted.

“Clearly not as tough as you. I mean battling an STD and all. You must be pretty strong to handle that.”

“You shouldn’t have gone there, A.”

Then she kept walking and the others followed.
Pa-the-tic
, I thought. Charlotte has always hated me, ever since we were young. There was a time we used to be friends but things changed. She was focused on being popular and all I wanted was to not be noticed so we grew apart. Once she was on top, she made sure to make my life hell for not climbing with her. Although nothing can be worse than what I witnessed last may.
No, you can’t think about it. There was nothing you could do.

The bell rang and I headed back to my afternoon classes.

As soon as I left school I headed straight to the Roseberry Park in the outer parts of town. It’s not that far a walk from school and it’s a good place to think.
Not about him. You can’t.
I usually go there a lot to do homework or hang out away from everybody. There’s this beautiful pond in the middle of it that is wonderful to look at.

While I was working on the English assignment Mr. Johnson gave us I noticed the park became awfully quiet.
It’s nothing.
I told myself without quite believing it.

I had to write a paper about someone that I missed but I couldn’t really think of anybody.
Yes you can.
No, I can’t
. There was just too much blood; there was nothing you could do
.

I closed my eyes.

The truth is, I missed Allen. I mean I don’t think I
really
missed him but I felt so guilty I forced myself to. Maybe if I missed him, what I did would seem less bad.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t miss him.

I had to save myself I had to.

I needed to forget what had happened, soon. It’s just too much,
you can’t let these thoughts back in.
I’ve spent all summer trying to get over that image.
The blood. No, don’t think about him. He’s gone.

“Shit.”

I looked up slowly at the pond and I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was no longer peaceful
, something was very wrong.
What was that? No. It can’t be. STOP IT! STOP!

The pond was filled with blood.

And there was a figure standing on the other side,
Allen.

I rubbed my eyes repeatedly. Clearly I was going mad. I closed
them to think for a moment. Allen was
dead.
I saw him die with my own eyes.
Yeah you did, coward.
I’m not a coward. He can’t be here it’s not possible.

What is wrong with me?

I guess the nightmares from my past started catching up with me and I was really becoming crazy because when I opened my eyes again Allen was gone, and the pond was back to normal. All this summer I spent trying to forget about what had happened. I got drunk, I partied, I did everything I could think of to distract myself from the
horrible
thing I had done. Even though I hadn’t killed him it sure as hell felt like I did. The truth is maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am.

I spent the walk home crying and trying to stop picturing
Allen dead on the floor and the pool of blood that surrounded him. But somehow I could remember every detail of his death and how his face looked seconds before he hit the ground. I see him everywhere. Driving every car, walking every dog, just
everywhere.
The worst part was it looked so real, I almost believed it. I have to come clean.
No. You can’t. What you did was horrible who knows what they’ll do. If mom found out you were dating that addict she’d never look you in the eye again. You have to stay strong.