Daybreak (7 page)

Before long, the throng on the dance floor enveloped him, and Lucas let himself go, the slight buzz from the alcohol amplified since he hadn’t eaten dinner. The bass thumped through his body, into his bones, moving his muscles as he danced. His new friend moved like a pro, shaking his body perfectly to the beat.

Lucas wasn’t sure how much time went by before he told the guy that he had to go back and find Nate. Before the man could argue, Lucas wormed his way through the crowd, struggling to get off the dance floor. He peered around at the spot where Nate had left him, searching for the Phantom mask. When he didn’t find him, he headed to the bathroom, pissing with relief at the urinal.

Someone took the spot beside him, and Lucas glanced over to find his pirate friend, who smiled. “Find your boyfriend?”

Zipping up, Lucas shook his head. “Nope. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

“He’s crazy, you know.”

“What?”

“Leaving a hot guy like you alone. I wouldn’t let you out of my sight.” The pirate ran a finger down Lucas’s chest, making him shiver.

“
Me
?” The question was out before Lucas could stop himself.

“Yeah, you.” The man nodded toward the large mirror over the sinks. “You’re fucking hot.”

Looking at the mirror, Lucas jolted. He almost didn’t recognize himself with the mask, and the open shirt, and the way his chest gleamed with sweat from dancing. Then he watched as the pirate moved close and rubbed up against him. “Come on, loosen up. I want you.”

Him
? This gorgeous male model of a man wanted
him
? Lucas felt a rush of power surge through his veins and into his cock, and as the pirate backed him up into an open stall, Lucas let him. Excitement quickened his breath and made his nerve endings pop. A voice in his mind told him to stop, but then the man was on his knees, and Lucas’s pants were open, and oh, Jesus, it was so wet and hot and this man wanted
him
.

Lucas felt a strange sense of otherness behind his mask as the pirate pleasured him, sucking with practiced skill. Lucas had only been with Nate, and…oh God, Nate. What the hell was he doing? He needed to stop, but his cock throbbed in the man’s mouth as his balls tightened.

Reaching down, Lucas shoved the pirate’s head back, but he was too far gone and came in a rush, splashing the pirate’s face. Lucas stood awkwardly over the toilet, his shoulders against the grimy wall, and the earlier feeling of power and lust was replaced by shame.

The man got to his feet, licking his lips as he wiped his face. “Thanks. Hope I’ll see you around sometime.”

Lucas didn’t answer, and then the man was gone. He’d never even known his name. Lucas’s heart pounded as the reality of what he’d done set in. He quickly fixed his pants and stepped out of the stall, looking into the mirror.

Nate stared back at him.

Chapter Seven

Lucas shook as panic swirled through his mind and turned his legs to jelly. Nate stood beside the paper towel dispenser, his mask gone, his face etched with disbelief and hurt.

Whipping his own mask off, Lucas blinked, hoping his vision would clear and Nate wouldn’t be there. That he wouldn’t know what Lucas had done.
Why had he done it? Why, why?

“Having a good time?” Nate’s tone was flat, anger coiling at the edges. “Sorry I was gone so long, but clearly you found ways to amuse yourself.”

“Nate, please --”

“Please what?” Nate spat. “I’m such an idiot. I trusted you!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Lucas remained frozen on the spot, his heart thumping almost painfully.

“I thought you were different. I thought you…” Nate shook his head, eyes welling with tears.

This isn’t happening. It can’t be real
. Lucas forced his legs to move, taking a tentative step toward Nate. “It didn’t mean anything.” It was true. He didn’t even know the guy’s name!

Nate’s voice was barely above a whisper, but Lucas heard him over the muffled bass. “It means everything.”

Then he was gone.

Two men, attached at the tongue, entered the bathroom and stumbled into a stall. Lucas wanted to run after Nate, to make him see, to explain. Yet how could he? There was no explanation for what he’d done.

Lucas had no idea where to go. He couldn’t go home. Couldn’t face Nate yet. He wandered the streets aimlessly in his ridiculous costume, buttoning the shirt up to his neck. The rented boots pinched his toes and rubbed his heels, but he trudged on. The crisp night air had turned downright cold, but Lucas ignored it.

He considered calling Casey, but the thought of admitting what he’d done -- why,
why
? -- turned his stomach. He couldn’t possibly say it out loud.

As he walked, he replayed it all in his head. Getting a drink, meeting the pirate, dancing with him, going to the bathroom… At that thought, shame flushed his face despite the cold wind. It was as if it was someone else under the mask, someone else letting the stranger open his pants. Someone else betraying the man he loved.

In the dark hours before dawn, he found himself in front of his apartment building. Nate had the keys, and Lucas didn’t know if he was even in there. Walking around to the side of the building, he peered up at their darkened window.

The latch on the front door had broken the day before; Lucas had a flash of Nate complaining about the lax security and how every bum on the street could come inside. Now Lucas pulled the door open, slipping inside and pushing the elevator call button in the still silence.

The elevator door clanged open, making him jump. As it lurched upward, Lucas thought he might vomit.

The light in the emergency sign at the end of his hall flickered, buzzing lightly. At his apartment door, Lucas stood for a long minute, listening for sounds from within. Was Nate in there, sleeping in their bed? Would it ever be
their
bed again?

Finally, Lucas knocked softly, his knuckles whispering on the wood. He waited an eternity before knocking louder. Only silence greeted him. Some instinct told him to try the knob, and his breath caught as it turned in his hand.

The streetlight illuminated the small interior as the door swung inward. Lucas entered the room and peeked over the half wall into the bed nook. The duvet was still pulled smoothly across the mattress.

Lucas looked back into the living room and saw an empty space in the corner. Usually, Nate’s photography books would be piled high in that spot, his camera equipment stored beside it.

As Lucas stared at the empty floorboards, he knew that Nate was well and truly gone.

* * * * *

As Lucas blearily opened his eyes, he reached out as he did every morning. However, the rest of the bed was empty, and Lucas remembered, his stomach plummeting as he realized it hadn’t been a nightmare. That it had happened.

He’d cheated on Nate.

The vestiges of sleep evaporated, and Lucas lay awake as the early afternoon sun brightened the living room. He needed to talk to Nate; he needed to explain. Yet when Lucas imagined what he might say, nothing came.

It had felt so good to have someone like the pirate want him, and he’d ignored his conscience. There was no excuse for it. Nothing he could possibly say that would make it okay. He hadn’t thought about Nate, just himself.

After hours of self-flagellation, he picked up the phone and dialed Nate’s number. Well, he dialed nine numbers of it before hanging up each time. Finally, he pressed the last number and Nate’s cell rang on the other end. Lucas’s heart pounded and he took a deep breath.

With a click, Nate’s voice mail kicked in. At the sound of his voice, tears welled in Lucas’s eyes. He could recite the message along with Nate, but he was still at a loss for words when the beep sounded. “Um…hi. Look, I really need to see you. I’m so, so sorry, Nate. I don’t know what happened, but I would do anything to take it back. Please talk to me. I need --”

Another beep sounded and his time was up. Lucas stared at the phone, considering whether he should call back. No, there was no point. If Nate wanted to talk to him, he’d call.

By Monday, it was obvious that Nate did not, in fact, want to talk. Lucas couldn’t blame him, and he dragged himself to class in misery. He could only assume Nate had gone home to Staten Island, and since he only had an early lab on Monday, there was no reason he’d still be around the campus.

Still, Lucas searched every face as he shuffled to class, hoping he might see Nate and apologize in person. Surely this couldn’t be the end, all because of one mistake? Yet even as Lucas hoped it wasn’t, in Nate’s shoes he wouldn’t want to see himself either.

As Lucas surveyed the crowd of students bustling through the corridor, he walked right into Casey.

“Dude! Keep your eyes on the road.”

Lucas couldn’t manage a smile. “Sorry. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you? You look like you were up all night. Big weekend?”

Big weekend indeed
. “You could say that.”

“Come on, let’s grab a coffee.”

“We’ll be late for class.”

“You don’t look like you’re in any condition for a lecture on Fitzgerald.” Casey steered him through the crowd, and Lucas didn’t object. Caffeine couldn’t hurt.

At the nearby campus café, they sat at a table in the back, surrounded by chattering students. Lucas regretted coming to school in the first place. What if Nate went to the apartment to talk to him and he wasn’t there?

“Earth to Lucas.” Casey waved his hand. “You in there?”

“Sorry. Just thinking.” Lucas swallowed a gulp of coffee, wincing as it burned his mouth.

“About?”

Lucas didn’t reply. He didn’t think he could say it out loud. It would make it all the more real.

“Hey, I’m sorry. If you don’t want to talk, that’s cool. You just look upset.”

“I did a terrible thing.” The words rushed out before Lucas could change his mind.

“Okay.” Casey’s eyebrows arched on his round, warm face. “Want me to guess?”

“I screwed up.” Lucas rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he wanted to say it out loud.

Casey waited patiently, stirring his coffee. Finally he said, “Look, you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

“Thanks.” He took a sip of his coffee, wincing as the hot liquid burned the roof of his mouth. “I made a big mistake, Casey.” Lucas’s stomach churned once more at the thought of the dirty bathroom and the pirate on his knees. The shock and hurt on Nate’s face.

“Lay it on me. I can take it.”

“I cheated on Nate.” The words came out in a rush, and Lucas’s cheeks burned as he waited for Casey to condemn him.

“Oh. Well, it happens to the best of us. I mean, we’re in college.”

“That’s it? You’re not going to tell me what a horrible person I am?”

Casey laughed. “No, you’re my friend. Look, it wasn’t your finest hour, but mistakes happen. Nate will forgive you. You’re not in love with this other guy, are you?”

“No! I don’t even know his name.”

“You vixen.” Lucas grimaced, and Casey relented. “Sorry, I shouldn’t joke. I know you’re upset. So how did it happen?”

Lucas quietly relayed the story of how he met the mystery man at the club and ended up in the bathroom stall with him. He glanced around at the neighboring tables, making sure no one was listening.

“Well, I never would have left a babe like you alone for a second in the lion’s den.”

“It’s not Nate’s fault!” Lucas felt a rush of protectiveness. “I’m the one who cheated. I’m the one who screwed everything up.”

“How long have you two been together?” Casey offered one of his cookies, but Lucas wanted to vomit at the thought.

“Since last December.” Memories of Hanukkah flooded his mind: Nate’s old room with its twin beds, the darkroom closet, the shower… He snapped to attention in time to hear part of Casey’s next question.

“…other people?”

“Huh?”

“I said, you don’t have an agreement to see other people? No tricks?”

“No! Why would we? I don’t want anyone else, and neither does he.”
Or does he
? The nagging voice in Lucas’s head asked the question all the time.

“How many other guys have you been with? Besides Nate?”

Lucas shrugged, embarrassed. “No one. I mean, except the guy the other night.” He wanted to add that it didn’t count, but he knew it did.

“Seriously?”

Studying the scuffed table, Lucas shrugged again. “I know, I’m lame.”

“No, no.” Casey reached out and put his hand on Lucas’s forearm. He squeezed gently. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just so cute. I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m sure Nate will forgive you. It’s understandable you’d be curious about other guys, right?”

“But that wasn’t even it. I mean, it was a bit, but…he wasn’t even my type. It was…I don’t know.” Lucas tried to put it into words. “It was the way it made me feel. The fact that this god of a man wanted me. It was a good feeling. Powerful, you know?”

“So, Nate doesn’t make you feel wanted?”

“No! I mean, yes! He does. I guess I just feel like it’s a fluke or something. Like one day he’ll wake up and realize that he could do so much better.”

“Not possible.”

“Come on. What’s so special about me?”

“There’s plenty special about you. You’re smart. You’re cute. You’ve got a sweet ass.”

Lucas sputtered and choked on his coffee. “What?”

“See, I made you smile.” Casey grinned. “But seriously, you’re a great guy. Okay, you made a mistake. But if Nate can’t get over it, then it’s his loss.”

As Lucas finished his coffee, he couldn’t help but feel that the loss was entirely his.

* * * * *

Lucas opened the door and his heart skipped a beat. Nate stood a few feet away with a T-shirt in his hand and a large duffel bag at his feet. Two of the dresser drawers were open.

“Nate.” Lucas closed the door behind him and cast about for something to say. “I…”

“Don’t bother, okay? I don’t want to hear how sorry you are.” Nate turned back to the dresser and continued yanking his clothes out.

“But I am! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened --”

“Do you want a refresher? Let me see, I think what happened is that you hooked up with some random guy the minute I turned my back.” He exhaled sharply. “I should have known better. I should never have let this go beyond a casual fuck. I told you when we met that relationships aren’t for me. I guess they’re not for you either.”

A tight band squeezed Lucas’s chest. “Nate, please. I know I screwed up. I wish it had never happened.”

“Why? It certainly looked like you enjoyed yourself. I’m sure the -- what was he, a pirate, or something? Yeah, I’m sure the pirate sucked cock like a champion.”

Lucas didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s good it happened.” Nate slammed one of the drawers.

“Good?”

“Yeah, it was just the wake-up call we needed. We were being ridiculous, Lucas. Playing house and pretending that, what? We’re going to live happily ever after? Please.”

“It’s not pretend. Nate, I lo --”

“Don’t.” Nate shook his head sharply. “I don’t enjoy being made a fool of.”

“Nate, please…”

“How many other guys have there been? You know, I actually understand it. You want to explore, you want to see what’s out there. I get it. But don’t lie to me and tell me you want a boyfriend.”

“Wait, what? There hasn’t been anyone else! I swear. It was just that one guy. I would never do that to you.”

Nate snorted. “It’s okay, you can stop lying. Have you been screwing your pal Casey too?”

“No!” A flash of anger sparked to life. “I’ve told you a hundred times, Casey’s only a friend.”