Dawn in My Heart (28 page)

He stroked her face with long fingers, and she closed her eyes like a kitten for a caress. When he stopped, she reopened her eyes, feeling bereft. “Why did you stop?”

“I don't want to do anything you find repulsive.”

The full import of his words hit her. She felt her face grow hot, remembering her odious words to him.

“I…don't find it repulsive,” she whispered.

“Would you like to try it again?” he asked softly.

She gave a slight nod.

The next thing she knew he pulled her against himself and kissed her long and deeply, and she found herself responding with an intensity she didn't think she was capable of.

Again he stopped, and when she looked at him question
ingly, she realized their wedding night still stood between them, a monstrous chasm dividing them. She understood with sudden discernment that only she had the power to dispel its ugliness.

She looked down at his hand lying idly between them, so close to her, yet not touching her. “I want to be your wife,” she articulated slowly, taking a small step over that yawning abyss, “in every sense.”

The words he'd longed to hear and despaired of ever hearing. Tertius took her slim, pale hand and touched the wedding band that still graced it. He turned her palm upward and brought it to his lips again. “And so you shall be,” he whispered.

He felt her other hand on his bowed head. “How can you ever forgive me, Tertius, and forget all about what I did tonight?”

He lifted his head and smiled sadly. “Perhaps because my sins were much blacker than yours and were forgiven—even blotted out.” He sobered. “But before you agree to being my wife, I must confess that I broke our wedding vows after I sent you away. I was so hurt and angry that I went with another woman.”

As she listened in silence, he told her of his own sin.

“So, you have more to forgive than I,” he ended. “I have done nothing but hurt and abuse you since I wed you. You have a right to leave me if you desire to do so.”

“I only wish we could both start over,” she told him. “I wish I could come to you pure and innocent.” Her voice broke, and she pressed her lips together and swallowed, unable to speak for a moment. “But I can't undo the past.”

He touched a finger lightly to her lips, silencing her. “Why
don't we both begin anew to promise to love and honor each other and let this be our wedding night?”

Slowly she nodded, and he could read the fear and hope in her eyes.

He rose and held his hand out to her. “Come, my love, come and be my wife.”

 

Tertius awoke early the next morning. He glanced over at his wife's sleeping face, and knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore that morning. He felt too full of love and wonder to be able to sleep.

Quietly, resisting the urge to kiss her, he eased out of bed and put on his dressing gown. He slipped out of the room and entered his own, knowing all he wanted to do was kneel before God and give thanks and worship.

He hadn't been there long before Nigel came in softly.

“Good morning, my lord,” the valet said. “Are you ready for your coffee?”

“In a bit,” he replied, realizing his valet didn't know all that had occurred last night.

Nigel turned and eyed the bed that had clearly not been slept in. He glanced back at Tertius but made no comment, for which Tertius was grateful. Last night was too special to be mentioned casually, even with congratulatory remarks.

He, however, found himself hardly able to keep from whistling or humming a tune as he shaved and dressed.

As he sipped his coffee, he thought about his conversation with Katie early last evening. It had felt good to discover how to help one who had helped him so much. He observed his valet. What could he do to repay all the man had done for him over the years?

“God is good, isn't he, Nigel?” he began, unable to refrain from smiling widely.

“Yes, my lord, that He be.”

“You've enjoyed our Bible studies, haven't you?”

“Very much.”

“Have you thought how the Lord might some day use you?”

Nigel stopped brushing Sky's coat. “It's funny you should ask that.”

“Why?”

“I was recently thinking that some day—” He looked uncomfortable all of a sudden “—that is, when you no longer need me, that mayhap some day I could preach de gospel…back on de island.”

Sky nodded thoughtfully. Why hadn't he thought of it? The Lord wouldn't waste the talents of such a powerful man by keeping him a valet for the rest of his days.

“Yes, I think that's a wonderful idea,” he told him.

“You don't think it foolish? Could God use a man like me?”

“God looks for a willing heart.”

“Even if it be in de skin of a black man?”

“I don't think God regards the color of your skin, except perhaps to mark how handsomely it becomes you.”

“You would let me return to de islands?”

Sky nodded, his smile growing. “I would help you establish a church.”

G
illian woke gradually and stretched. Her body felt filled with well-being and gradually she remembered why. As soon as she did, she turned on the pillow to find Tertius but, with a pang, saw the empty space. She noticed the bright light coming in between the curtains.

Groggily she reached for the clock and saw it was nearly noon. Of course, Tertius would be up and long gone.

She sat up in bed and rang for Katie.

“Good morning, my lady,” Katie said with a wide smile when she came in. “It's good to see you. Did you have a good sleep?”

The maid seemed inordinately pleased to see her.

“I slept very well, thank you,” she murmured, wondering how much the maid knew of her recent behavior. But Katie seemed cheerful enough as she went about her duties.

As Gillian breakfasted and bathed, she wondered how soon she would see her husband. She tingled with anticipation. Where was he? Was he missing her?

She thought maybe he would appear at any moment. As she sat at her dressing table, her gaze fell on her jewelry box.

She reached for it and opened it. There sat her ruby and diamond ring, along with the other jewels Tertius had given her. That last time she had gone to the mill town, determined to pawn them, she had turned back. She hadn't had the courage then and later, when Tertius promised to take her back to London, she'd reasoned she no longer needed the money.

But she knew neither had been the true reason she hadn't parted with his gifts. Even then, love had already begun to awaken in her.

She took the ruby and diamond ring and slipped it on her finger, atop her wedding band.

“That is a pretty ring, my lady,” Katie said softly. “It becomes you nicely.”

Gillian held out her hand. “Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?”

She thought of the one who'd given it to her. She felt as if she were walking around in some sort of wonderland since last night.

Tertius had been so tender, so passionate. He'd opened up a heretofore-unimaginable realm for her.

Right before they'd both fallen asleep, he'd even whispered those three words to her, “I love you.”

But as the early afternoon wore on and he didn't come to her, Gillian began to doubt whether he'd really meant them.

How many had been Gerrit's avowals of love and had he meant any of them?

Maybe Tertius had reconsidered her conduct in the light of day and decided she was no fit wife for him?

Finally, she could stand it no more and had to see for herself.

She knew Sky usually spent a good part of the day in the office. She went and knocked on its door, but so great was her preoccupation that she was actually startled when she heard his voice telling her to come in.

With a beating heart and a wish that she hadn't ventured forth, she entered the office. Immediately, Tertius and the secretary turned their gazes on her and she felt exposed, as if they could both see her unworthiness to be walking in on them. Tertius smiled and stood. “Gillian!”

She stopped. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt…I will come back.” She began retreating.

Tertius came around the desk. “No, come in.” He turned and dismissed the secretary with a few quiet words.

Gillian and he were alone. She licked her lips, not knowing how to begin.

“Hello, sleepyhead,” he said softly. “Did I keep you up last night?”

Blushing, she shook her head, unable to respond to his humor.

He immediately became serious. “What is it, Jilly-girl?”

She looked at him. “You called me that,” she said in wonder.

“I'm sorry.” His tone was rueful. “It's silly. Would you prefer ‘Gillian'?”

“No, I like it. You put it inside my ring.” She looked down, fingering her wedding band.

“Yes.” He took her hand in his. “You're wearing the other.”

“Ye-es,” she stammered. “I had…put it away…I'd almost lost it.”

“I almost lost you.”

She looked into his dark eyes. “But you haven't.”

“God be praised.” He was looking at her so warmly it emboldened her to continue.

“This morning, when I…woke up…”

“Yes?”

“And you weren't there, I wondered…if it had been…real…” Her voice trailed off in embarrassment.

He bent his head and kissed her, his hands around her shoulders, steadying her. “Does that tell you?” he murmured.

“I never dreamed,” she whispered, “I never dreamed…it could be like that…so wonderful…so perfect.”

As she spoke, he was tracing her face and neck with a fingertip. “Yes, last night was very real. If I left you early this morning, it was partly because I couldn't sleep anymore, my heart was so full, and I didn't want to disturb you. And partly it was out of fear.”

She pulled away from him slightly. “Fear?”

“Perhaps the same fear you had. Was it real? Did you feel the same way I did?”

She reached up her hand and cupped his face. “My dearest, you showed me how beautiful it could be.”

He took her hand and kissed the palm. “With my body I thee worship…”

Comprehension dawned in her eyes, and she nodded. Then a shadow clouded her thoughts and she looked downward. “You told me once if I should ever want to tell you about…about how I lost my purity.”

“Not anymore if it pains you.”

She looked up at him and he could read the apprehension in her eyes.

“I do want to tell you.”

When he waited, she finally continued. “I was sixteen when I lost Papa.” She pressed her lips together, not wanting to remember that period but needing to have Tertius understand.

“It doesn't excuse what I did, but I was so lonely that year with only Mama. She always said Papa had spoiled me. When he was gone, it was almost as if…as if she delighted in making me face up to things.

“I met—” she lowered her voice to a whisper “—Gerrit at a dancing class I was sent to. He was so handsome and he seemed to pay me particular attention.”

Gillian glanced away, not able to bear looking into Tertius's eyes, afraid she would read disappointment in them.

“Gerrit was perfect in every way, and he made me feel special when he singled me out from all the other young ladies.

“I was foolish enough to believe it when he told me he loved me. Then after a while, he was no longer satisfied with sending me little notes during the class or trying to be alone with me for a few moments.”

She took a deep breath, determined to tell her husband everything, whatever the consequences. “He began to convince me to meet him in private away from the dance classes. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't say no. I was so lonely and felt so unloved at home. And I missed Papa so much.” She bit her lip to stop its trembling.

“When he obtained his commission, he made me believe I was being selfish in not giving him all…of myself. He
would be going to Spain to fight and I might never see him again.”

She put a fist up to her mouth and fought the tears of regret. Tertius tried to stop her from saying more, but she insisted on finishing.

“Every time I saw Gerrit, he wore away my resistance a little bit more. I felt I would forever regret it if I denied him this one thing. Finally I agreed to meet him. My maid helped me.”

She looked down at her clasped hands. Thankfully, Tertius hadn't interrupted her any more, even though she knew it must be distasteful for him to hear all the details.

She sighed. “Then it was over. Afterward, in the weeks before he left, I began to sense Gerrit wasn't the same. I tried to tell myself it was my imagination, but now I know differently. When he left for the Peninsula, I only received a couple of letters and then nothing more until…until I saw him that night at the Prince Regent's.”

“Didn't your mother find out?”

She shook her head. “Later, she found the few notes I'd received from Gerrit and she burned everything. That's when she dismissed my maid and hired Templeton, and made my seasons a misery.”

“Oh, Jilly, I'm so sorry,” he murmured, taking her in his arms and whispering against her hair.

“When Gerrit came back, and I was so worried about marrying you—that you'd discover my terrible secret on our wedding night—I convinced myself that Gerrit had always loved me. I let myself believe his lies.

“Oh, Tertius, I can't forget what I did.” She gently pushed away from him, determined to face his reaction. When she
saw only love and tenderness in his eyes, she shook her head. “I can't understand how you can still want me.”

“It's because I have been forgiven so much,” he answered gently.

“I can't understand that kind of forgiveness.” Again, she felt something separated the two of them, and only she had the power to close that divide. “Would you help me understand?” she asked hesitantly.

He nodded. “All you have to do is ask the Father to forgive you and believe that your sins are taken away by the shed blood of His Son, Jesus.”

“Will you help me pray?”

“Of course, my love.” He took her two hands in his own and closed his eyes, bowing his head.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You by the precious blood of Your Son, Jesus—

“Receive me. Forgive me. Wash me and make me whole again.”

Gillian repeated the simple words after her husband, feeling the intolerable burden of guilt and condemnation lift as she prayed.

 

Tertius hadn't planned on doing anything to Major Hawkes except make sure he didn't upset Gillian in any way.

When Gillian hesitated going out in society, he told her, “We need to be seen in public together to silence any rumors that might arise from your evening at Vauxhall.”

“I feel everyone will see my guilt every time they look at me.”

“I'll be there at your side.” He lifted her chin in his hand. “Courage, my love. You have nothing to fear.”

They attended a ball together. Tertius had deliberately chosen a large one in honor of Waterloo. He wanted to see how the major would behave when he met Gillian in public.

It was late in the evening when he finally spotted him in his scarlet uniform. He was with a group of officers, far across the ballroom.

Sky leaned toward Gillian and whispered in her ear. “Hawkes is here.”

She turned frightened eyes to him. “I don't want to see him. Can you take me home?”

“I will soon. But we have to stay a bit longer. You understand, don't you? You can't run each time you see him. Let us trust he will behave like a gentleman.”

She agreed reluctantly.

Sky stayed by her side as long as he could, but it was difficult in the crowded room. They each had many acquaintances who were eager to greet them. When he turned from talking to a fellow member of the House of Lords on a current bill up for debate, he looked in vain for Gillian.

He went immediately in search of her. It was nearly impossible to find her among so many people and rooms. Thinking she had gone to freshen up, he wandered the corridors, but she was nowhere to be found. He even walked along the terrace, thinking each time he saw a couple hidden in the shadows that perhaps—But no, he was being foolish.

 

Gillian joined a couple of other ladies when they ascended to one of the rooms set aside for their use. She scarcely lis
tened to their gossip as she followed them, glancing back every now and then to make sure Gerrit was nowhere in the vicinity.

After allowing a maid to rearrange her hair and pat her face dry with a little powder, she descended once again with the ladies.

They were walking along a corridor toward the ballroom when Gillian spotted Gerrit lounging against a doorpost. She quickened her step, hoping to pass unnoticed with the other women.

“The beautiful Lady Skylar,” he drawled just as she was passing him.

She started. What would the other ladies think? “G-good evening, Major,” she stammered, averting her face.

“Why the hurry? Surely you can spare a few moments for one of the wounded of Waterloo?”

She stopped, afraid he'd say something more. The other ladies, not noticing the interchange, continued on their way, chattering to each other.

“What do you want?” Gillian whispered as soon as they were out of earshot.

“Only to tell you how lovely you look tonight.”

She realized he was drunk. His words were spoken slowly, as if he had difficulty putting them together. His eyes looked bloodshot.

Before she could move away, he motioned into the chamber behind him, a small salon. “Come in, m'dear, and let me admire what I've lost.”

“Please, I must return.” At that moment, she heard voices, male ones this time, further down the corridor.

“Just for a few minutes,” Gerrit's voice rose.

Without thinking, she ducked past him into the room, getting out of sight as the men walked by.

Too late, she realized her mistake.

Gerrit followed and now stood before her, a smile on his face.

How could she ever have found him attractive? He was handsome, devastatingly so, but now she saw the lines of dissipation already marring his youthful features.

“Any regrets?” he asked.

She backed away from him, trying to figure out how to sidestep him and reach the door.

 

Tertius had given up his futile search for Gillian and was wandering back toward the ballroom when he caught a glimpse of a uniform through an open doorway.

He stopped when he heard his wife's voice.

“Please, let me pass.”

“Gillian, the ice queen.” The major's voice sounded slurred. “You aren't afraid of me, are you?”

Gillian made an attempt to pass by the major, but he laughed and stepped in front of the doorway, but then he stumbled. This only made him laugh harder, and Sky realized how drunk the major was.

Sky took the major by the arm. “I believe you need a little air.”