Dawn Endeavor 4: Gunnar's Game (11 page)

They continued walking in silence while they both absorbed what he'd said.

“Do you realize that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me?” Ava's soft voice wrapped around his heart and squeezed. “Why can't we be together, Gunnar?” He couldn't look at her, because she'd see the longing in his eyes. “I…”
Tell her.

Tell her the truth. You’ve been feeling it since day one. At least let her know why
there can never be an “us” in our future
. “Ava, I care for you. A lot.” She stopped them and turned him to face her. The glowing green of her eyes hinted at the deep emotion she must be feeling, but her face remained blank.

He repeated himself. “I care for you more than makes sense. I'm not an easy man.”

“I know that.”

“No, you don't. You think you do. You know what I can do to my enemies, but you've never seen what I can do to someone I love.” And God, if he ever damaged Ava, he'd kill himself. He'd barely survived after Susanna's and Sophie's deaths, and he felt so much more for Ava. A man's love, not a teenager's infatuation.

“You would never hurt me.” She reached out to him, her eyes now brown and soft. And so loving.

He stepped back. “I wouldn't try to hurt you, but I could. Too easily.” He sighed, wishing this conversation over. “Ava, I'm attracted, no doubt. But it's more than that.”

She frowned at him. “You slept with Olivia and Sheridan. And they're a lot weaker than I am. Yet you never hurt them.”

He flushed. “You, ah, knew about them?” Of course she knew.

“Yes. I know you still struggle through mating heats.” She tried to play it off, but he could see the glow of anger in her eyes. “I wasn't available for you, so you turned to them. And I understand that you need the team in that way. The guys don't bother me at all. I told you I'm different from most people you know.”

“I was only with Olivia and Sheridan in the presence of their mates,” he tried to explain. “And with them it was nice.”

“I'm nice.”

“No, you're not.” He burned for her. “You're pissy, arrogant, and mean.”

“
Gunnar
.”

“Please. You know it's true. Why the hell do you think I walk around with a hard-on every time you're near? Why do you think it's so fucking difficult for me to stay away from you? You're bitchy, gorgeous, and hardheaded. You don't take my shit or cry because I hurt your feelings when I say something stupid.
You’re mine
,” his beast had to add, just to be heard.

“So then what's the problem?” She cocked her hip and leaned a hand on it, showing her annoyance. “You think I can't handle your beast? Honey, you're strong, but you have nothing on what I can really do.”

“Ava, I want you. My beast wants you. But my berserker, it wants to dominate you, real bad. I get angry a lot, and it's hard to control myself on a good day. But around you, I have a hard time keeping it together. I'm afraid I could seriously hurt you, honey. And I could never live with myself if that happened.” She studied him with an odd look. “You think I'm buying this?”

“Why would I lie?” Frustrating woman. He was trying to be honest, to be up-front and put his cards on the table.

“Because you're scared. Scared of making a commitment, scared of having someone to love and toe the line for. You like playing too much.”

“Dammit, that's not true.” He clenched his fists. She made him sound like some selfish playboy. Didn't she realize how difficult this was for him? How much he wanted her but denied himself for
her
benefit?

“Sure it is. I read your files, Gunnar.” She smiled, showing sharp white fangs.

“I know all about your time in the navy. I've read detailed accounts from your old captain and from the doctors who treated you in Pearson Labs, back when the Dawn Endeavor program was brand new.

“A different woman every night, sometimes two at a time. You liked to play around, and you liked your sex a bit rough.” She shrugged. “So do I, but you don't see me trying to avoid how I feel for you because I want to play the field.”

“You're missing the point.” He forced himself to remain calm. Like hell she'd
play the field
. “That was years ago. I don't want anyone else. Shit. I don't want any other female Circ but you.”

The canny woman was now grinning at him. She liked him wanting her and hurting because of it?

“Ava, I never hurt Olivia or Sheridan, because I didn't love them. I like them, I respect them and their mates, and I'll treasure the softness they gave me when I needed it. But with you, I can't be gentle. Or safe.” He swallowed hard, seeing Susanna in his mind's eye. “I can't protect you from me.” Ava
changed
in an instant and launched herself at him. She knocked him to the ground and straddled his abdomen, her tiny hand around his throat and cutting off his air supply.

He stared at Ava who wasn't quite Ava. A shimmer of her beast lingered over her human form, like a shadow of animalistic rage over the beautiful woman underneath. This Ava had fangs and claws and unbelievable strength. She hadn't grown much, yet her strength was that of a Circ much, much larger.

“I don't need your fucking
protection
.” She spat the word like a curse. “I'm stronger and faster than you'll ever be. Your hesitance makes me question why I thought to consider you worthy of mating with me. You act like you're scared of your own shadow.”

She insulted his manhood. His beast didn't like the challenge. But it was his berserker that he worried about. The monster wouldn't tolerate its mate's rejection.

Just what Tersch had been trying to avoid.

He struggled against letting her see what she should be so scared of and rasped, “Ava, shit. Let me up and back away.”

“I've seen your berserker before.” She huffed and loosened her hold on his throat. “I'm not impressed.”

“Don't do this. Don't do this,” he chanted, holding on even as his beast broke through his constraints as well as his clothes. His shirt split; his toes cut through his sneakers and socks. His trousers burst at the button and seams. And still, he grew.

His skin turned a darker shade to reflect the monster that lived within, and his sight became infused with a tinge of red as his infrared heat vision engaged to better illuminate nearby prey.

“Ava, please. Get off me. Don't make me hurt you.”

“Prove you're stronger. Don't pretend any longer that you deserve me if you can't back it up.”

He roared his denial and held on to a semblance of sanity as he stared up at his mate. “Fuck! You don't understand. I can't help myself. You think this is about a fear of commitment?”

Tersch rose to his feet, forcing Ava to cling to him as he stood. Once again towering over her, he pulled her from his body and pushed her back. When she threw herself back at him, he caught her. Though her weight seemed impossibly as heavy as his, he held her up and stared into feline pupils dilated with rage.

“Little girl, you know nothing about anger.” Tersch's berserker leaned closer until they stared at one another nose to nose. “Did you read
all
my files? Did you read about Frederik Gunnar Tersch's dysfunctional little family?” He laughed, and she finally showed a modicum of sense.

Ava shrank back and dug her claws into his arms to find purchase in the crushing muscle drawing her closer.

“Did you read about how I killed my sister, my girlfriend, and then my father?” His back teeth filled his lower jaw, and the urge to bite grew. “I choked the life out of him, watched as the capillaries in his eyes burst, and listened as he gasped for his last breath. So sweet, that destruction, that battle for domination.” He nicked her neck for a taste of her sweet blood, captivated by her shudder. He whispered, “I killed him, and sick fuck that I am, I loved him. I loved all of them, you know. But I love you even more. Think what I could do to you with all that precious emotion?” The horror on her face drove him on, and his berserker ripped through her shirt to clutch one firm, brown breast. He squeezed hard, pulling the strong scent of arousal from her, as well as the bitter scent of fear. “When I'm ready, I'll take what I want, what I
own
. You're mine, Ava. All mine. I wonder if your neck will snap as sweetly as Susanna's did?”

Ava pushed out of his arms and ran away.

He squelched his instinctive urge to give chase and tore down several trees in his rage to find control. Tersch finally pulled his berserker back down, fighting the creature's urge to take care of its mate. Though Tersch wore his berserker's skin, the warning had been all Gunnar, the man. And he'd hated every word of it.

Now she knew. The ugly, distorted truth of a man so unworthy to be loved.

Alone and lonely, Gunnar imagined his life without Ava and felt unbearably sad.

Tears filled his eyes, but he ignored them. Instead, he left the trail and walked deeper into the forest. Then he ran and kept on running.

Ava spent the night alone. Despite Admiral London's pending visit in another day, her grandmother's fragile calm, and the danger circling close, she could think of nothing but Gunnar.

She'd wanted to call his bluff yesterday, but the truth in his words, in his voice, shocked her to silence. The berserker she'd been so attracted to seemed suddenly cold and threatening. To the Belles, family was all. Yet Gunnar admitted to killing his sister and father, not to mention his girlfriend.
What the hell?

She wanted to blame his berserker for his lack of control, but she'd sensed the man inside the monster as it spoke. He'd seemed pleased to have killed his own father.

Lying in her bed past nine, she couldn't make herself get up. Maybe if she slept long enough, she'd wake to find it had all been a bad dream. Gunnar was a lot of things, but a murderer? He killed to protect, period. Yes, a part of him liked it, but that was the animal conquering weaker prey. She couldn't believe he would actively seek to kill his own family. There had to be more to the story than he'd told her.

Didn't there?

His team had always stuck by him. Her grandmother favored Gunnar over the others. Would any of them do that if he'd actually done such horrible things? Sure, everyone deserved a second chance, but some sins, in Ava's mind, were too horrible for atonement. Had she been so wrong about Gunnar for so long? Was Ava like her grandmother, trusting the wrong man because she thought she loved him?

The similarities in their plights were too bizarre, and Ava knew she needed to talk about this. Except when she called her grandmother's office, Keegan answered.

He told her Mrs. Sharpe had left for Washington last night. Something about critical funding issues.

“Aren't you supposed to be with Sheridan and Olivia?” she asked.

“Sorry, Ava. Price and I are under strict orders to stick with Mrs. Sharpe, and that's what we're doing. Damned woman gave us the slip. Now we have to find her and bring her back. Admiral London's not happy she's gone, and we're worried this might some type of ploy to draw her out from the Circs and put her in danger. Don't worry about Sheridan and Olivia. Kisho and Morgan took charge of the rest of our team. They and the psychics are guarding the women.”

“Terrific.” She sighed. “Well, go get Alicia and haul her back. Put all expenses on the corporate card.”

“Will do.” Keegan hung up.

She dropped the phone onto its cradle, wondering what else could go wrong.

“Ava, we've got a problem.” Kisho startled her out of her musings. He stood at her bedroom door, and he made it a point to respect personal space.

“Why aren't you with Sheridan and Olivia?”

“I sent Morgan ahead with them. I'll join him after we talk.”

“Great. Pile on.” She waved him inside. “I take it the problem you're referring to is my grandmother taking off for Washington without telling anyone.”

“What? Since when?”

“According to Keegan, she left last night.”

“Uh-oh. Now this wasn't supposed to happen.” He frowned. “In my vision, she's here when Admiral London arrives and shoots her.”

“Okay, say that again.”

Kisho sighed. “Your grandmother didn't just believe Admiral London was guilty on the basis of Melissa Ramirez. She had a vision I shared.”

“Has that happened before?” Ava sat up, her back against her headboard. Clad in a T-shirt and underwear and covered at the waist by a thin sheet, she didn't worry about modesty. Especially since the only man she wanted sexually—her mate, Mr. Murderer—had made it plainly apparent they could never be anything but distant friends, if that.

“No. Mrs. Sharpe and I usually see different futures. The fact that we saw the same one upset us both. In it, Admiral London stared down your grandmother and shot her without blinking an eye.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I wish I was. She was here in her office when he shot her, point-blank. She fell behind her desk. Shouts and fighting outside.” His eyes flickered, and a haze of psychic energy clouded between them.

Ava had a feeling he experienced it all over again. “All hell broke loose.” Kisho blinked. “But now… I don't understand. I still see it happening.” Something in Ava snapped. She refused to consider Admiral Geoffrey London her enemy. Because if Grandma could be wrong about him, then Ava might be wrong about Gunnar. And she couldn't imagine living without him. Even if he was a lying, stubborn, arrogant son of a bitch.

Her beast rose to the surface. “I don't care what you've seen. Lonnie is on
our
side. I'll prove it when he arrives tomorrow. Now, you join Morgan and cling to Sheridan and Olivia like glue. Keegan and James are after my grandmother, and I have a feeling they won't mind knocking her out and dragging her ass back.” She knew the way Keegan worked. Her grandmother was in for an unpleasant surprise when they caught up with her.

“But the vision—”

“Will play out as it's meant to or disappear. You know you can't always change everything.”

“I know.” Kisho paused. “But Ava, your grandmother has come to mean the world to me. I love Morgan, and she means the world to him. I won't let anything happen to her.”

“Then don't. Stick Olivia and Sheridan with Doc and his Circs for protection.