Dave Barry's Money Secrets (5 page)

6

ETHICAL GUIDELINES FOR CORPORATE CEOS

Beware the Penis That Squirts Vodka

W
HEN YOU’RE THE CEO of a major corporation, you get a lot of perks—a huge salary, generous stock options, a big office, a corporate jet ready to whisk you to exclusive golf resorts, and a staff of lackeys to take your shirts to the laundry, wash your luxury car, clip your nasal hairs, and do all the other things that you, as a busy CEO, do not have time to do.

But with these benefits come the responsibilities of being a leader. Which
specific
exclusive golf resort should the corporate jet whisk you to? Do you want starch in your shirts? How
much
starch? Only you, as CEO, can make these decisions.

Also from time to time you might have to become involved in the running of the corporation per se. You must be very cautious here, because in recent years the authorities have become quite picky about enforcing rules that prohibit corporate executives from lying and stealing vast quantities of money. In a few cases, corporate executives have actually been convicted and sent to federal prisons, some of which have only the most rudimentary tennis courts.

You don’t want anything that horrible to happen to you. So, if you become CEO, make sure you follow these ethical guidelines:

GUIDELINE NUMBER ONE: Keep your salary within reasonable limits.

More and more, the salaries of corporate CEOs are perceived, rightly or wrongly, as being out of line with the salaries of the, whaddyacallem, workers. So you want to make sure that, as CEO, your salary falls within reasonable limits. What do I mean by “within reasonable limits”? I mean “roughly 3,000 times as much as you pay a janitor.”

If you don’t know how much a janitor makes at your corporation, go to an employee bathroom and ask one. (If you don’t know where the employee bathrooms are, ask one of your staff people.) Let’s say the janitor tells you he makes $11,500 a year. Now, using a calculator (if you don’t know how to operate a calculator, ask one of your staff people), simply multiply 11,500 times 3,000 to obtain your target salary, which in this case would be $34,500,000, or, rounding upward for bookkeeping convenience, $40 million.

Of course you may find that this is not enough. You may have a financial emergency, such as you’re playing golf at an exclusive resort with another CEO and you find out that he makes
more
than $40 million a year. In this case, you have no choice but to increase your salary. But in order to do that and still remain within the ethical guidelines, you will need to increase the average salary of your janitors by one 3,000th of the amount of the raise you need (ask one of your staff people to figure out the exact numbers). Be advised that raising all these salaries might hurt your corporation’s “bottom line.” If so, you may have to compensate by firing some janitors. That won’t be an easy decision to make, but that’s why you, as CEO, make the big bucks.

GUIDELINE NUMBER TWO: If you use your corporation’s money to pay for half of a lavish $2 million birthday party for your wife on the island of Sardinia, featuring, among many other lavish things, an ice statue of Michelangelo’s
David
with vodka squirting out of its penis, for God’s sake do not make a video of it.

This was the mistake made by Dennis Kozlowski, who threw just such a party when he was CEO of Tyco. According to the Securities and Exchange Commission, Dennis also allegedly used company money to buy a shower curtain that cost $6,000 and a dog-shaped designer umbrella stand that cost $15,000. Dennis wound up getting into trouble, and a jury was shown a videotape of the party he threw for his wife. The defense claimed that the party was a legitimate business expense, which I am sure it was, based on this image from the video:

I mean, if those people are not conducting legitimate business, I would like to know exactly what the hell they
are
doing.

Unfortunately, if you wind up going to trial, you will be judged by a jury of ordinary lowlife non-CEO people who do not understand sophisticated business matters and, in many cases, have never spent so much as $1,000 for an umbrella stand. Yes, it is unfair. But that is the price we pay for living in a democracy.

GUIDELINE NUMBER THREE: Whatever else you do as Chief Executive Officer of the corporation, do not—repeat, do NOT—allow yourself to come into the possession of any information regarding specifically how the corporation works.

This is very, very important. Because if the authorities decide that your corporation is doing bad things, they are going to try to hold somebody responsible, and often—unfair as it seems—they go after the person running the corporation. A chilling example is the case of Bernard “Bernie” Ebbers, who was CEO of WorldCom, a large corporation that got into a legal kerfuffle over some accounting hanky-panky involving, give or take, $11 billion. When Bernie went to trial, his defense, basically, was that he did not know what was going on inside the corporation. Oh, sure, he was the CEO and everything, and he was being paid many millions of dollars plus stock options, but as far as what WorldCom was actually
doing,
accounting-wise, Bernie was not in the loop. The defense did not come right out and use the phrase “total moron,” but that was the gist of it.

Unfortunately for Bernie, the jury did not buy this defense. The jury apparently believed that somehow, in the course of being in charge of WorldCom, Bernie must have picked up some whiff of what was going on there. This is why it is so vitally important that, as CEO, you never, ever allow yourself to learn any details about your corporation. If you go to a meeting, and some corporate executives start talking about corporate business, put your hands over your ears and go, “LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”*
 
¹⁰

7

PROVIDING FOR MEDICAL CARE

You’ll Need Some Leeches

I
F YOU’RE LIKE MOST AMERICANS, your biggest single fear is that you’ll become injured or seriously ill and have to be admitted to a hospital, where a psychopath posing as a nurse will sneak into your room one night, inject you with a paralyzing drug, and, while you’re still fully conscious, remove both your eyeballs with a shrimp fork.*
 
¹¹
But coming in a close second is the fear of being unable to pay the medical bills.

Yes, medical care has become hideously expensive in this country. Go to any American hospital today to have even minor surgery such as removal of your tonsils, and you’re looking at a minimum cost of $13,000. And that’s just for
parking.
*
 
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The actual procedure will cost you way more.

Why is medical care so expensive? There is no one simple answer to this question, by which I mean: lawyers.

I’m not talking about
all
lawyers, of course. There are plenty of good ones, such as . . . OK, Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer, right? He was pretty good. Also Raymond Burr. But the rest of them are scum.

This is especially true of the lawyers who make daytime-television commercials like this:

(
W
E SEE A LAWYER, WEARING A SUIT AND TIE, LEANING AGAINST A DESK IN AN OFFICE.
B
EHIND HIM IS A SHELF FILLED WITH BOOKS.)

LAWYER:
I’m Bernard Tortmonger of Tortmonger Legal Associates Legally Practicing Law. Are you in pain? Of
course
you are. Why else would you be watching daytime television? You’re in pain, and that means somebody is responsible, and that means you need to SUE THEIR ASS.

(“
1-800-SUE-THEIR-ASS
” IS SUPERIMPOSED ON THE SCREEN.)

LAWYER:
Every day, we at Tortmonger Associates help people just like you get the money they have coming to them.

(
W
E SEE A VIDEO CLIP OF A MAN WEARING A NECK BRACE.)

MAN:
I had no idea I had money coming to me. I was actually trying to call a phone-sex number and by mistake dialed Tortmonger Associates. They explained to me that I was in pain and helped me file a lawsuit. I won $600,000! Of course the Tortmonger Associates fee, plus standard legal expenses such as stapling, came to a total of $598,500. But I did get to keep this neck brace. Thanks, Tortmonger Associates!

LAWYER:
You, too, have money coming, and Tortmonger Associates will fight to get it for you. We will kill for you if necessary, using our extensive knowledge of the law.

(
H
E GESTURES TO THE BOOKS BEHIND HIM, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY A COMPLETE SET OF THE
1953
E
NCYCLOPAEDIA
B
RITANNICA.)

LAWYER:
Although legal ethics prohibit me from making any promises about the outcome of your particular case, you will definitely win a huge amount of money. So call 1-800-SUE-THEIR-ASS now and let the experts at Tortmonger Associates help you decide exactly how much pain you are in. Remember: If you don’t call, giant bats will suck out your blood. This must be true because it’s on TV. Thank you.

Of course, the actual lawyer ads shown on television are not as subtle as this, but you get the idea. These ads are on all the time, the result being that Americans today are quick to sue their doctors for pretty much every bad medical thing that happens to them, including having to read an outdated issue of
Redbook
in the waiting room.

This has caused doctors to practice “defensive medicine,” which means that to avoid getting sued, they often prescribe tests and procedures that are not clearly called for:

DOCTOR:
OK, I want this patient to have an X-ray, sonogram, electrocardiogram, CAT scan, complete blood workup, lung biopsy, endoscopy, bronchoscopy, and extreme Roto-Rooter colonoscopy.

NURSE:
He’s not a patient. He’s here to fix the phones.

DOCTOR:
Then we’ll also do a spinal tap.

So even a routine doctor visit can become very expensive. This is why you need medical insurance. The way it works is, every month, you or your employer sends money to an insurance company. Then, when you need expensive medical treatment, you notify the insurance company, which in turn notifies you that your treatment is not covered, or is only partially covered, as we see on this chart:

Your Health Insurance Benefits

Source: The American Association of Big Insurance Companies That Did Not Get into the Insurance Business to Piss Money Away on the Likes of
You

The bottom line is that, if you get injured or sick, you are financially screwed. So your wisest strategy is to stay healthy. Here are some ways you can do this:

1.         Don’t smoke.
Smoking is the nation’s number one cause of cancer, emphysema, heart disease, death, ugly-ass teeth, and generally smelling like a fire at a condom factory. Also, many smokers—as a result of having to leave their smoke-free office buildings to go outside in the dead of winter and suck on cigarettes while snowdrifts pile up against their legs—are eaten by wolves.

And cigarettes are not just unhealthy: They’re also absurdly expensive. As I write these words,*
 
¹⁵
the average price of a single pack of twenty cigarettes is nearly
three dollars,
broken down as follows:

The Cost of a Pack of Cigarettes: Where the Money Goes

So smoking is an unbelievably stupid, expensive, evil, deadly addiction that benefits lawyers.*
 
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Why, then, do people do it? Many young people start smoking because they think it is “cool.” But it is not cool. It only
looks
cool. At least I believed it did when I smoked my first cigarette—a Kent, with the Micronite filter*
 
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—back when I was a fifteen-year-old assistant counselor at Camp Sharparoon.*
 
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My theory was that the Kent would cause female staff members to desire me in a carnal manner. But this is not what happened. What happened was I spent the evening on my hands and knees puking on the softball field. This is not something that women find attractive in a man. You rarely hear a woman say: “I’m looking for the kind of guy who is ralphing up a mess of lasagna on third base.” But being a young, idealistic, determined moron, I continued working at smoking until I could do it without throwing up, which is the epitome of smoking pleasure. (“This is enjoyable! It’s not making me vomit!”)

Eventually, I realized that smoking was an insanely stupid activity, and I made up my mind to quit. Many smokers will try to tell you that quitting is hard, but I found that, through willpower and determination, I was able to quit “cold turkey,” without any trouble, in just over a decade and a half. So take it from a former nicotine addict: If you’re not a smoker, don’t start. And if you are a smoker, can I bum a cigarette?

No, seriously, if you are a smoker, and you’re applying for life insurance, lie.

2.         Don’t drink too much.
Alcohol, like tobacco, is the nation’s leading cause of death. It turns your liver into jerky and impairs your judgment. What do I mean by “impaired judgment?” OK, let’s say you’re sitting in a bar watching an NFL game, and a guy next to you makes some observation that you do not agree with—say, that the Green Bay Packers defensive backfield sucks. If you have
not
been drinking, chances are you will simply let the matter drop. Whereas, if you
have
been drinking, you will feel compelled to ask the guy exactly what kind of complete fricking moron he is, despite the fact that (1) the guy was addressing his observation to somebody else; (2) the guy is the size of a Federal Express truck; and (3) no member of the Green Bay Packers defensive backfield would ever, under any circumstances, stick up for
you.
These facts begin to penetrate your brain only later, as the Emergency Room doctor is explaining what foods you will be able to eat through the tube in your neck. That’s what I mean by “impaired judgment.”

Here are some other signs that you might be drinking too much:

•                  You find that you need a drink to settle your nerves when you are confronted with unexpected or upsetting occurrences, such as dawn.

•                  You sometimes make statements such as: “I bet you can’t shoot this beer can off my head.”

•                  You frequently engage in promiscuous sexual behavior, not always with members of your own species.

•                  You nod off at inappropriate times, such as at work, or while driving a motorcycle.

•                  You sometimes wake up on unfamiliar continents.

•                  You often see yourself featured on the TV show
Cops,
usually handcuffed facedown in front of a mobile home.

•                  You find that you spend a lot more time than other people searching for your pants.

•                  A recurring theme in your home decor is dried vomit.

If you notice five or more of these warning signs in your own life, you need to eliminate alcohol consumption altogether, or at least limit it only to certain very specific times, such as when you’re awake.

3.         Eat a healthy diet.
Along with tobacco and alcohol, the number one cause of death in America is food. Americans eat way too much of it and have become a nation of enormous waddling giant-butted slugs. This is not their fault. It is the fault of the food industry, which deliberately makes food and foodlike products that Americans like to eat large amounts of.

A good example is Cheez-Its, which are chemically enhanced snack crackers the color of a radioactive traffic cone. Every time I go to my local supermarket, I am forced to walk directly past a flagrant, semipornographic Cheez-Its display, which apparently features a hidden motion-activated snack-flinging catapult, because somehow, without any conscious action on my part, I always end up with a large box of Cheez-Its in my shopping cart. This leaves me with no choice, as a husband and father desiring to protect his family from the threat of non-nutritious foods, but to eat the entire box*
 
¹⁹
myself during the three-mile drive home from the supermarket. This is clearly bad for me, and I only hope that I am able to become part of a massive class-action lawsuit against Keebler before I become too large to fit into my car.

But suing the food industry, important as it is, may not be enough. We also need to accept some limited responsibility for what we insert into our personal mouths and swallow. Nutrition experts recommend that we eat a Healthy Balanced Diet based on scientific principles, which sounds like a fine idea, except that these principles are apparently based on the nutritional needs of mutant rabbits. I say this because these diets always look like this:

H
EALTHY
D
AILY
D
IET

•                  27 servings raw fruit with those annoying little stickers still attached

•                  153 servings raw green leafy vegetables such as kale

•                  .0063 kilogram nonendangered free-range fish, boiled

•                  3 servings tree bark

•                  43 servings uncooked dirt or gravel

•                  One live insect

•                  126 gallons low-fat water

There are serious practical problems with these diets. Number one is, nobody knows what “kale” is. Number two is, no normal human with a job has either the time or the mathematical ability to prepare and keep track of all these “servings.” Normal humans spend most of their days in a real-world work environment, where approximately 70 percent of their daily food intake is supplied by vending machines, and the closest available thing to a green leafy vegetable is mesquite-flavored potato chips.*
 
²⁰