Daughters (35 page)

“Those aren’t bad words to live by, by the way.”

“I know.”

“And speaking of your mother, you can’t leave her out of the equation.”

Rachael crossed her arms. “Why not?”

“Because she’s your mother.”

“So? She’s not acting like one.”

“I know. But you can’t choose who your parents are, honey. She’s still your mother, and she will be forever.”

“Well, that stinks. What if she never comes back?”

“She’ll still be your mother.”

“I hate her.”

“Rachael, what she did to you was unconscionable. You just don’t abandon your children. But I suspect there’s a whole lot going on inside her we don’t know, and I’ll bet any amount of money, she wishes she was in a better position to take care of you.”

Rachael dug in her heels. “I doubt it. So what am I supposed to do, wait for her until I’m eighteen and I’m legally on my own? Fat chance.”

“I know you’re struggling with this, and that’s okay. We all struggle with things from time to time.”

“I know.” She turned her head away from Marie and stared out the window. “But what if it’s all the time?”

Marie let out a sigh. “And what about school?”

“They have schools here, don’t they?”

“Yes, of course they do.” Rachael wasn’t making this very easy. She sat next to her on the wicker love seat. “Look at the moon.” They both stared into the murky night sky for several seconds. “I’ve never seen it quite so full and bright.”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“Rachael, have you given any thought to how it would affect
my
life if you were to come live with me?”

“Knew
that
was coming.”

“Well?”

She looked at Marie with wide-eyed innocence. “I wouldn’t be much trouble.”

Marie gave her a dubious look.

“I said not much.” Rachael smiled.

“That’s not what concerns me.”

“What concerns you, then?”

Marie couldn’t think of any convincing reasons it wouldn’t work out. “For starters, my apartment is fairly small, and I use the spare bedroom for other things.”

“Looks like just a spare bedroom to me.”

“My sewing machine is in there.”

“When was the last time you used it?”

“And what about my social life? I’ve been used to coming and going whenever I please and not worrying about another person in the house.”

“You wouldn’t have to worry about me.”

“Maybe worry wasn’t the right word. I would be concerned about you.”

“Will you think about it?”

How could I not think about it?
“I’ll tell you what. You have that talk with your father, the one about him being your biological dad, and then we’ll talk again after that. Fair enough?”

“I guess so. But I wish you could be there with me when I talk to him. I’m sure he’ll flip his wig.”

“Look, Rachael, you’ve decided to take on some grown-up issues on your own, so you’re going to have to face them as a grown-up.”

“No sweat.”

“So what do you want to do tomorrow?”

“Can we go see
Singin’ in the Rain
?”

“Good choice.”

“And then afterward, can we visit with the people in the big house?”

“I suppose so. Why?”

“Just to make sure we get along for when I live here.”

Marie shook her head and couldn’t hold back a smile. “You little…”

They hummed songs from
Singin’ in the Rain
all the way home. “You Are My Lucky Star” was Marie’s favorite. Rachael liked “Make ‘Em Laugh.”

“They were all so happy.”

Marie gave her a heartfelt look. “Like you want to be?”

“I just want to fit in somewhere. The happy can come later.”

Pretty profound for a fifteen-year-old. Marie couldn’t get Rachael’s words out of her head as she lay in bed that evening. “I just want to fit in somewhere.” She saw a lot of herself in Rachael. Not only her wanting to fit in, but other things too. Like her need for family, her determination, and her self-control. And perhaps most importantly, her need to establish a true identity for herself.

A true identity was something Marie still hadn’t determined for herself, at least not to the point of where she saw herself in a few years. When she was married to Richard, before he’d gotten in so deep with the Chicago underworld and before she knew Jonathan was her father, she had a well-thought-out plan in her head of where she wanted to be three years out, five years out. But things had changed.

Lying in bed that night, she thought about the prospect of having Rachael come live with her. She could picture them sharing the same space, chores, laughs, insights, and love. She had plenty of love in her heart for that child, and while she didn’t have any experience, she thought she had a lot to offer to her in the way of guidance. Rachael needed a strong female role model, and Marie thought she could be the right person for the job.

While Marie didn’t have strong religious convictions, she was certain some higher being was responsible for bringing her and Rachael together, and for that she was grateful. But she had to keep reminding herself that Rachael already had a mother and father, regardless of their insubstantial relationships among themselves.

They met Karen for breakfast on the last day of Rachael’s visit. Karen presented her with a stylish young person’s purse as a parting gift—a shoulder bag with a thin rope strap made of brightly colored fabric in an abstract design. “I just got these in last week, and they’re selling like hotcakes.”

“Cool. Thanks, Karen. And thanks again for the earrings too. I can’t wait to wear them.”

Marie and Rachael proceeded to the train station. Both had tears in their eyes as they said goodbye. Rachael promised to call her after she talked with her father. Marie promised to think about their talk. Rachael took a seat next to the window on the side of the train, where she waved goodbye to Marie and mouthed,
I love you.

As the train left the station, Marie sat in her car, staring straight ahead but not seeing anything, listening to it roll away on noisy rails, until the noise faded into the distance, the lump in her throat refusing to go away.

“What would you do?” she asked Karen after she explained her last twenty-four hours with Rachael.

“Don’t know. You could call her father, give him a heads-up, but then you told her to handle it like an adult, so he should hear it from her first. Then again, maybe she’ll think it over on her train ride back home and chicken out.”

“Oh, I doubt that.” Marie shook her head. “I guess I should just let Rachael handle it in her own way. I gave her some examples of how to start the conversation. From what I know of Ben, he may not handle it well.”

“Marie, would you let her live with you?”

Marie sighed. “I’ve thought about it, believe me. On one hand I think it may be the right thing to do, but then I think, what do I know about raising a teenager? And what about Ben? He’s the controlling factor here.”

“
If
he’s really her father.”

“I don’t think that matters. He’s assumed that role. And we can’t forget about her mother either, even if she
is
missing.”

“Wonder what a lawyer would say.”

“God, I hope it never gets to that.”

Ben called Marie the following Sunday. “You know the reason for this call,” he began.

“Yes, I believe I do.”

“Rachael is at her grandparents’ house, so I can talk freely. Marie, I don’t know quite what to say to you.” She shut her eyes and waited for what was to come next. “At first, I was so grateful that Rachael took a liking to you. She went from being a mopey little girl to a happy, smiling young lady, and I credited you with that. But now this? I don’t know what to think. Quite frankly, I regret having allowed her to come stay with you.”

Marie didn’t know what to think either. Was he referring to Rachael questioning her parentage, or wanting to come live with her? She blew out a gush of air through her lips which she hoped he didn’t hear.

“To be honest,” he continued, “I myself have questioned whether or not I’m Rachael’s father as well. But what could I do? They needed a place to live, and I wasn’t about to turn Judy and a ten-year-old away. I know I did the right thing.” He paused. “Marie, I’ve treated Rachael as my own, so when she raised the question to me, what could I say? It was more than just an awkward moment.”

Marie swiped one sweaty palm on her trousers, then the other. “I know. It was awkward for me too.”

“What do you mean, for you too?”

“When she told me she didn’t know whether or not to believe you were her real father.”

“So you didn’t put that notion in her head?”

“Of course not. Did she tell you that?”

“Well, no, I just assumed…”

“Ben, I would never do such a thing. No, she asked me in the car one day how I knew Jonathan was my father. I figured she was raising the question because of our different skin colors. But the more she asked, the more I knew she was really talking about her own situation.”

“Did you tell her to talk to me about it?”

“Yes, I did do that. It was so heavy on her mind, I thought that was best. I hope you’re not upset with me.”

His tone softened. “Well, I was, but now that you’ve…now that I know how this all got started…I just wasn’t prepared for her questions.”

“Believe me, I thought about calling you as soon as she got on the train, but…”

“No, I understand. You didn’t want to betray her. You did the right thing. And the more I think about it, even if she hadn’t ever met you, she probably would have asked the question eventually.”

Marie sighed. “When did she ask you this?”

“This morning.” He laughed. “She’s a very bright girl. She spent all day yesterday giving me a blow-by-blow description of how the two of you spent the week. I’ve never seen her so upbeat. She even got excited about the trip to Topeka and all the history you bestowed upon her.” He let out a sigh. “So that little stinker made sure I knew what a great time she had, and then the next day she dropped the bomb on me. Maybe that’s why I thought you put the idea in her head, by the way she wanted to build you up so I wouldn’t be mad at you.”

“If I’m not being too nosy, Ben, how
did
you respond to her?”