DARK SOULS (Dark Souls Series) (32 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY

I snarled at him as his face began to soften back into his human features.

 “If I hadn’t been holding myself back from doing what I truly can do, you
would be the dead one,” I spat.

“Then why didn’t you?” he asked, removing his forearm from my neck and standing up smoothly.

“Because I didn’t want to kill you.” I said through my teeth as I lay on my back, slapping my palms on the scuffed floor in annoyance.

“Ah, and there we have it. Your weakness. Turns out you’re not so indestructible after all,” he said as he brushed the dirt from his camel coat.

I frowned, my hands clenching into fists.

“You care.” He continued as he combed a hand through his thick brown hair, attempting unsuccessfully to tame it back into place as he looked down at me. “Looks like the human in you is stronger than you thought.”

I pulled myself up into a stand, wincing when my muscles protested at the movement. “I’ll be able to handle the Leiche demons. And anything else that decides to come at me.”

“Well, I really do hope that’s the case, little demon,” he said, grabbing his glasses off the floor and placing them back on this face. “Because as frightening a creature as you are, you’re really starting to grow on me.”

I growled at him in response before turning my back on him and exiting the gym, leaving his annoying, spectacled face behind.

***

I spent the rest of the afternoon back at home, trying unsuccessfully to find tranquility and relax my scrambled nerves. I attempted a hot shower, usually my favorite thing to do when trying to de-stress, but I just stood under the warm, fragrant water stiff as a tuning fork, the tendons in my neck practically forcing themselves through my skin. A mere two minutes after entering, I shot out, drying myself furiously with a towel and pulling a royal blue long-sleeve shirt over my head and once again donning my beloved jeans. I then began to pace around my tiny home, thoughts and makeshift plans jumbling around in my head.

I felt the power in my veins, deep at my core. The dark flame kept begging me for more, more, more. I grabbed the sides of my head in defeat, crying out loud, “Stop, just
stop
!”

I didn’t know what to do. I was at a complete loss. I almost felt like giving up and just allowing the darkness to come forward and use me permanently. She knew how to handle herself; she knew what she was doing. I didn’t. I bumbled forward, hoping I didn’t kill anyone. I gasped with heartache when I realized I already had. I was suffering alone, and my heart cried out for help. Even during the worst time of my life, when I was sequestered and sheltered from everything alive in this world, I still had someone with me. I still had my mother.

I sat on the floor at the foot of my bed for what seemed like hours, surrounded by my aunt’s tasteful additions to my life, like my plush rose comforter and scented candles of honeysuckle and cloves, staring at nothing but thinking of everything. I finally glanced at the clock my nightstand, which told me it was already nearing three o’clock in the afternoon. I’d have to go to Butterfield soon and pull an extra-late shift to make my absence up to Ettie. Her potential disappointment in me barely made me cringe, however. There were suddenly much more important issues to be dealt with, issues that a nineteen-year-old should never
have to deal with: monsters, demons and, most especially, self-destructive power. Ettie wouldn’t understand, Macy wouldn’t be able to comprehend, Aunt Sandy didn’t even know
.
I had to continue on this path alone. I had to protect them.  

I didn’t want to see Ettie. I let out a heart-wrenching sob at the fact that with what I looked like now I would probably have to influence her, just like I had to keep influencing Macy. I would probably, for the rest of my life, be forcing everyone I knew to be people that they weren’t, constantly pulling a blindfold over their eyes to prevent them from seeing the real me, what I ‘ve become.

Shaking, I pulled myself out of my cross-legged position on the floor, my muscles stiff with neglect. I pulled my arms up for a quick stretch to shake out the stiffness, feeling the darkness coiling and stretching along with me.

I dropped my arms to my side.

Even though I was unwilling to face Ettie, I decided I would still go. Butterfield was a place just as warm and welcoming as my home was when I lived with my aunt. I would keep trying, thinking maybe, just maybe, I would stumble across the answers to what was growing inside me. I couldn’t give up, as much as I wanted to. My life meant too much to me.
Their
lives meant too much to me.

Shutting the door softly behind me, I descended the five flights, enjoying the damp breeze on my face once I stepped outside and noticing with relief that Gwyn was nowhere to be found. It began to mist rain, the kind of in-between rain where you feel the moisture but not enough to push up your umbrella and protect yourself. Even if I did require an umbrella, I probably wouldn’t have used it. I enjoyed the drizzle on my face, my skin. I imagined my skin sizzling, sending out steaming tendrils of smoke as the cool water touched the heat within me, cleansing me, cooling me.

The streets were fairly crowded, rush hour deadlock just beginning. School was just letting out, and students were clustered in crowds at the intersections, hoisting up their backpacks, laughing and pushing at each other. I hoped wouldn’t run into anyone, not Asher, or even Macy. I couldn’t face anyone right now.

I picked up my pace once I saw Cream of the Cup up ahead, and I was tempted to blur by without being seen, but I’d just draw unwanted attention. As I was contemplating the pros and cons of going out of my way and walking down another avenue, I glanced to the side and saw him. Even if I wanted to detour, I knew now that I couldn’t, not once Asher was in my view.

His back was to me, leaning on his black truck with his cell phone pressed hard against his ear. Gwyn was beside him, hands on her hips, her face tense with fury as she listened to his side of the phone call. I watched his head move along with his words. They both looked rigid, their body language alone clueing me in that something was wrong.

Just when I realized that I had literally stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to watch them, Gwyn turned her head towards me, her eyes flashing with anger. Her diverted attention caused Asher to turn and follow her gaze, his eyes landing across the road and on me just as I brought my right foot forward to keep walking. His stare froze me in place. I met his eyes, seeing them so clearly despite the line of cars and people walking between us. I didn’t bother to disguise the pain in my eyes, the deep longing that had been holding onto me relentlessly, refusing to let go. I felt hot tears well up in the corners of my eyes, and I didn’t blink them away.

He continued to gaze at me, his expression revealing nothing, yet he didn’t break eye contact with me. Gwyn barked something at him, and he was forced to break his stare, glancing at her. He moved to the drivers’ side, never turning back to me. They both got into the truck and it roared to life, backing up and almost hitting the car behind it. As they merged, they were forced to drive by me, and I remained frozen in place, watching them go. As his window passed me, he flicked his eyes over, glancing at me one more time before driving away.

In those mere seconds, I saw more in his face than I had ever seen before. He had looked at me with just as much longing, just as much emptiness that I had exposed so nakedly to him.

They were following me, yes. Attempting to intimidate me, maybe. But he and I had a connection that even he couldn’t fight.

My brain finally connected to my legs and I started moving again. There was nothing I could do about Asher and Gwyn right this second, but my previous plans remained in place. If I couldn’t figure out who I was, then I was damn well going to figure out who the other players were.

The black wooden door to Butterfield creaked as I pulled it open, the familiar smell of fresh baked bread wafting over me. A sense of calm washed over me at the smell, a small comfort. I was safe here. I could forget here.  

“Hey hun,” Ettie said as she passed me, her hands piled with dirty plates as she headed to the back.

Her voice was normal, her face smiling as she walked by me. I was relieved. She didn’t have the look of wanting to fire me, and more importantly, she didn’t look disappointed in me.

“Ettie, I’m sorry,” I blurted out as I followed behind her to the back kitchen. “I know I’ve been um, erratic lately.”

“Sweetheart, I know.” She backed into the swinging doors, facing me as she pushed into the kitchen. “You know you can come here, no matter what, right? You’re not just my server, you know.”

She dropped the plates near the washing station, wiping her hands on a towel.

 “I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” I told her honestly, wincing at the crack in my voice. There was just something about Ettie and her open face. The laugh lines around her eyes and mouth portrayed to the world just how much she had witnessed and how much wisdom she had come to possess during her decades of life.

Her eyes were soft as she turned to me. “I’ve been noticing your pain. You’ve been searching for something, haven’t you? And searching hard.”

I paused at the knowledge behind her eyes, her sudden awareness of what I could be going through. Her understanding was unsettling, but comforting enough for me to respond, “I don’t think I’ll ever find it, Ettie.”

“Oh, honey,” she walked over to me, her tiny body enveloping me in her arms. “Don’t be thinking like that. Maybe…maybe you’ve just been looking in the wrong place.”

“I don’t know where else to look.” My voice was breaking, exhaustion and stress settling in. I could feel myself crumbling inside as she folded me into her embrace. 

She stepped back, holding me at arms length and staring at me, her eyes flicking back and forth between mine. I began to grow uncomfortable, but she didn’t look away. Her brows drew together, her fingers tensing around my forearms. She opened her mouth to say something, but stopped. She finally broke her gaze from mine, glancing around the kitchen, making sure we were alone. I glanced around with her, unsure of what else to do. The dinner rush hadn’t started yet, and most of the staff was on break. Yet she kept holding onto me, her eyes constantly moving back to mine.

Finally, she opened her mouth again to speak. “Come. Sit.”

She pulled me to the middle counter, its stainless steel surface shining under the overhead lights. Maybe it was Ettie’s face, housing an expression I’d never seen on her before, or it might just have been my general feelings lately, but as I sat down, I felt like I was under some sort of spotlight. The kitchen had all of a sudden become too harsh, the lights too bright, the surfaces around me too clean. I clenched my hands on my lap, waiting for Ettie to drag a stool to the corner of the table and take a seat diagonal to mine.

“Ettie, what’s going on? You look so serious.” I stiffened when I realized it could be my biggest fear coming true. “Are—are you firing me? I’m so sorry, I know I haven’t been myself lately, but I’m just—”

 “Emily, honey, no. It’s okay.” She reached over the counter and rubbed my shoulder. “I’m not firing you. You know how much I love you. I’m…” she took a breath, her chest expanding with the effort. “I’m trying to drum up the nerve to finally tell you something.”

I tipped my head sideways, confused.

“Emily,” she began, “You’ve been here countless times, immersing yourself in work, struggling with your troubles on your own. But not once have you asked me to help find what you’re looking for.”

The undercurrent in her words caused me to peer at her closer. “I don’t think you can help me with this.” I said, holding steady with her gaze. “What I’ve been dealing with...I can barely even comprehend it. I don’t think anyone else could, either.”

She leaned forward, her voice low. “Hun, that kind of outlook only prevents you from finding any answers. It prevents you from seeing what’s right in front of you.”

I stiffened, unsure what to make of her words. Was she really trying to tell me something? Or was my desperate need for answers causing me to see only what I hoped to see?

“Now,” she leaned back, folding her arms on the counter. “Tell me what’s going on and maybe I can help you.”

I sighed, figuring there would be no harm in asking her one question, considering every other avenue I had pursued had failed. I just hoped I didn’t give her a heart attack. “I need to figure out stuff about...demons.”

Her eyebrows rose above her glasses, but she didn’t look away from me, or even blink. “You mean, inner demons? Battling with internal problems?”

Her eyes still didn’t move from mine, and for some reason that I couldn’t fathom, I sensed that she was testing me.

I looked down at the countertop, seeing my blurred face, my eyes smearing with my skin, my features imperceptible. So akin to what I was feeling on the inside. I raised my hand, pressing it onto my bleary image.

“Ah,” she said. I looked up. “You don’t mean psychological.”

I shook my head, lowering my gaze again. I really didn’t want Ettie to think I was crazy, or unhinged. She was one of the only people that I had in my life, and I was so afraid to lose her. But I needed to talk to someone. I needed help, and not just from another demon. I needed someone who loved me.

“Not religious or spiritual, either,” she continued. “You mean the creatures. The demons that walk among us. Possess us and eat our souls.”

I startled, completely bowled over by Ettie’s calm acceptance of what I meant, almost as if she had heard it countless times before.

She slapped her hands on the countertop, startling me even more. “Finally, you tell me the truth. It took you long enough to get around to it, honey.”

“You know what I’m talking about?” I asked her, dumbstruck.

“Of course! I may be old and a little distracted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. People see what they want to see and deny all the rest. They couldn’t be more unsafe,” she said. “I know what this world harbors.”