Dark Refuge (16 page)

This certainly wasn’t how he’d expected her to react, not when he finally admitted something he’d never said to another woman. When Em showed no sign of stopping, he picked her up and walked around the bed to the far side of the room, where there was a big, overstuffed chair. He sat down with Em in his lap, his arms wrapped around her as she curled against his chest. Shivering, pressed against him like a lost and frightened pup.

And still she wept.

“Sweetheart, if you don’t let me in, if you can’t tell me or show me what’s wrong, how can I make it better?” Brushing her tangled hair back from her eyes, he kissed the tears, kissed her cheeks, her lips, the warm silk of her hair. “Is it wrong for me to love you, Em? Is that why you’re crying?”

She shook her head against his chest and drew a deep, shaky breath. Then another, and another, until the harsh, wracking sobs had ended. He grabbed some tissues out of a box on the table beside the chair. She took them and dried her eyes, wiped her face, blew her nose. She shuddered and, once again, buried her face against his chest.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong, Em?”

Her voice came to him, halting, unsure. He’d noticed over the past few days she’d used her mindspeech with him less and less, but at least now she was trying.

I didn’t mean to lock you out. I can’t always control my mental barriers, and sometimes they lock down when I don’t want them to. I think it’s all part of whatever happened to me when I was younger. Can you hear me now? I was trying to open to you, but I couldn’t. I’m okay using mindspeech with everyone else, but it’s gotten harder, not easier, with you.

I hear you fine. You’re open now. Can you show me what’s wrong?

I don’t want to. Gabe, I feel so flawed. What if there’s too much wrong with me to fix? You don’t want someone like me. I love you. I love you so much it makes me ache inside, but I’m so afraid that all my problems, all the crap in my memories, all of that will destroy whatever feelings you have for me. I couldn’t live with that. I can’t live with loving you and then watching you walk away.

He sat there, holding her, loving her, and yet absolutely stunned. Not that she loved him. He’d almost been certain she loved him, but what she’d said hurt. Hurt with a level of pain he’d never experienced, to find that Emeline had so little faith in his love for her. How could she honestly believe he would walk away from her over whatever crap was in her background?

Knowing she doubted him, though, that she didn’t trust him with her heart, left him cold and aching inside. He wasn’t sure how to answer her. Didn’t know what to say, and yet he was well aware that by not answering her, he was proving himself untrustworthy. So he did the only thing he could think of. He opened his thoughts, his heart, his pain. He didn’t know how to tell her, how to say the words, so he did the next best thing. He let her into his deepest thoughts, into his hopes and dreams for their future, all those private things he’d thought of over the past week. It was frightening to open himself so completely, but it was worth it if it would make her understand how very much he loved her.

• • •

She was a damned fool, but her heart was breaking and Gabe wasn’t even fighting for her. She’d opened up to him, told him her fears, and he hadn’t said a word. He’d held her close, his arms a comforting band around her body, but he’d not said a damned thing. He’d looked at her like she was the biggest loser on the face of the earth, as if she was too weak to deal with whatever was going on in her head, and maybe he was right. Maybe she was a loser. Maybe she was too weak. That’s probably why she couldn’t remember anyone making her forget. Probably because no one else had done it. What if she’d totally screwed up her own memories? She’d probably had a total meltdown and did it to herself.

“Em? Look at me.”

She snapped her head around, and he was right there, lips close enough to kiss, but she looked away from his mouth and buried the thought of how much she wanted their lips touching, pressing together, tasting each other, and all that was left was looking into his eyes. He had such beautiful eyes, with lashes so thick and dark. She blinked, and no, she really had seen them sparkle. They were filled with tears. But why? She was the one who was all screwed up, not Gabe.

“Do you hate me so much that you’re going to block me entirely?”

What? Why would he even think that? “I don’t hate you. I told you, I can’t always control my shields. I’m not trying to block you right now.”

“And yet, you are. I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel about you. How much you hurt me by what you said, but you’re not even trying to hear me. I love you, Em, but if you’re going to give up and let whatever happened in your past rule your future, then, you and me? It breaks my heart to admit it, Em, but we don’t have a future. I always thought you were a fighter. You’ve always been a fighter. Even when Aaron and I teased you, you gave it right back tenfold, but I guess you’ve forgotten that. If you’re not willing to fight for us, for what you and I should have together, then maybe you don’t love me enough. Maybe I was dead wrong.”

He lifted her out of his lap and set her in the chair. He grabbed a blanket off the end of the bed and tucked it around her, and then walked around the bed and picked his clothes up off the floor. He didn’t look at her, though he paused with one hand on the doorknob. “I’m going to get something to eat. I worked late and missed dinner.”

He didn’t even put his clothes on. He walked out of the bedroom with everything tucked under his arm and left her there, stunned, totally speechless, her heart shattered into a million pieces.

Chapter 10

“I guess she doesn’t love me the way I thought she did. Damn, Alex. I gave her everything I had, but it wasn’t enough.”

Gabe stared at his reflection in the big window. He’d sat out on the front step until the cold sent him inside with no more answers than he’d had when he walked out of Em’s room. He’d done the only thing he could think of—he’d grabbed his dad’s bottle of cognac and asked Alex to meet him up here in the sunroom. He’d actually brought the bottle home from the office tonight, prepared to tell Em how much he loved her, maybe to celebrate a potential mating.

Looked like that wasn’t going to happen.

“Just what did you give her, Gabe? From what you said, she was blocking you, whether intentionally or because she can’t control her shields around you. So, yeah, you might have spilled your guts, but if she had everything shut down, she doesn’t know that. She’s had a pretty traumatic week, when you think about it. She’s been hiding from the pack for years, knowing she had something missing in her past and afraid of what it was, thinking it was all because she was somehow flawed, she’s dealing constantly with her estrangement from her parents, in the last week we’ve had a fairly wild rescue of six young sex slaves, four of whom have turned out to be Chanku, and to top it off, she’s fallen in love with the son of the pack’s alpha.”

“That doesn’t—”

Alex held up his hand. “Yes, it does. We’re not nearly as feral as the general public would like to believe, but there’s enough wolf in each of us at all times that we still have a hard time meeting Anton’s eyes, we still do as he asks and I imagine we will always see him as our leader. Does anyone question that? No, especially Em’s father, who has idolized Anton since he rescued Oliver so many years ago.”

Gabe chuckled. “Actually, I think Oliver switched that idolatry to Jace’s dad when Adam helped Oliver get his balls back. Dad got knocked down a notch below Adam.”

Alex laughed and sipped his cognac. “Well, there is that. Point being, in an odd, subliminal manner, most of the pack see you and your sisters and brother as quasi-royalty, Em included. Why do you think Lily and I didn’t end up mated the way our parents hoped? We’ve always loved each other, but it would never work because she’s such an über-alpha bitch to my wolf that there never would have been any balance in our relationship. Sebastian is her equal in magic and balls.”

Gabe shook his head and laughed. “Nah. There’s not a man alive with bigger balls than Lily.”

“I didn’t say bigger, I said equal, but we’re getting off point here, Gabe. You know what I noticed the most about what you’ve told me?”

“No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.”

“Damned right I am. I almost had Annie dragged away from the chickfest in the kitchen when you said I had to come up here, and that’s a great lead-in to what I want to say. Everything you’ve said comes down to one thing—you’re making this all about you. Not what Em’s dealing with, but how you’re not dealing with Em. She’s just discovered that a terrible thing happened to her when she was younger—a terrible thing she has no memory of. It’s all pointing to something that was done to her by her parents or your father, and possibly all of them, working in collusion. She doesn’t know. There’s a huge chunk of her childhood that’s missing, and it sounds as if it’s a horrible thing she’s lost. I think you need to give the girl a break. That is, if you really love her. If you don’t, it’s time to walk away before you get yourselves in any deeper, but if you love her, you damned well need to convince her that you’re in this for the long haul, that no matter what, you’re not walking away.” He stared hard at Gabe for a long, telling moment, before softly adding, “The way you did tonight.”

Gabe couldn’t look at Alex. Not yet. Instead, he stared into the amber liquid in his glass and thought of how many times as an older teen, as a young adult, he’d stared at a glass of his dad’s cognac while listening to his father as he helped Gabe work through whatever was bothering him, what might be hurting him. Now Alex was sitting beside him, and while the liquor in the glass was always the same, he hadn’t expected the same level of advice from Alex.

What Alex had said was every bit as thoughtful, as sincere, and as perfect as what Gabe would have heard from his father.

And, as often happened when his father reached a conclusion, Gabe felt like an ass. An ass who owed Emeline an apology. He raised his head and found Alex staring at him. His dark eyes were troubled, the smile that always lurked at the edge of his lips not anywhere in evidence, and Gabe had a feeling that Alex was afraid he might have damaged their friendship with his honesty.

He hadn’t. If anything, he’d strengthened it. Gabe swallowed, not all that surprised at the lump in his throat. Emotions were never easy, especially strong emotions between longtime friends. “Thank you,” he said. “You’re right, and I needed to hear that. I did exactly what she was afraid I’d do, didn’t I? Sucks to be so predictable, ya know?”

“Yeah, Gabe. I do.” He chuckled softly. “I’ve been guilty of male predictability on more than one occasion, and if you ever tell Annie I admitted that, you will die.”

Annie just heard that. Thank you, Gabe. I’ve been trying to get him to admit it for months now.

Go away, Annie. Male bonding taking place.

Yes, dear.

She left them with the sound of a slamming door. Gabe glanced at Alex, but he couldn’t hold it, and it took a long time before either of them could stop laughing.

• • •

Em thought about joining Annie and the girls in the kitchen. Their laughter carried down the hallway and left her feeling more outside the pack than anything else ever had. She couldn’t sit in her room and cry all night. That was a waste of energy. Gabe was gone. He’d done exactly as she’d expected—walked away rather than stick it out with her.

She didn’t blame him. Not really, though she was beyond disappointed and wondered if she’d ever find another man like Gabe, except it had to be one who loved her enough to stay. A person couldn’t change who they were, what they were. Gabe deserved better than her, and it was a good thing that he’d figured that out before they got more involved.

She left her room, went downstairs and out through the door to the garage. She’d laughed when she first moved in here, to see a wolf-sized doggy door into the garage, but it made sense. They could get in out of the rain and shift, dry off and dress before ever going inside. It made it equally convenient for going outside, and right now Em needed to run. Needed it more than she ever had in the past.

She connected with Annie first. They always tried to let someone know when they were leaving, especially when going out for a run.
I need some me time, Annie. Gonna run in the park. I’ll be back in a few hours.

Sounds wonderful, and I’d go with you, but I think Janine’s getting ready to shift. And don’t worry, I can handle it. Go. Run an extra mile or two for me, will ya?

You’ve got it.
It was so easy to connect with Annie. With Alex or even Mary or Sissy. Why couldn’t she open up to Gabe as easily as she did with everyone else? Hopefully, things would be clearer after a run. Her wolf was good at that, at figuring out what her human side often turned into a hugely convoluted puzzle.

She left her sarong hanging on a hook beside the door, shifted and slipped outside. The door was well disguised, leading into the backyard, and the gate had a latch she could easily flip with her paw. Once out on the street, it was a short run to Golden Gate Park. This late at night it should be almost empty, and the homeless who sometimes camped in the park knew not to fear the wolves. Those same wolves often returned as humans the next day with food and money and offers of work. They were actually quite popular.

With that thought in the back of her mind, Em trotted down the sidewalk, crossed Lincoln Way and slipped into the heavy shrubbery along the south edge of the park. She had no destination in particular, but the need to connect with her wolf was stronger than anything she’d felt during all her years of travel. In fact, she’d never experienced such a powerful need to run on four legs, to see the world through feral eyes.

One week with Gabriel Cheval and she was losing it. It would almost be laughable if it didn’t break her heart. She trotted through the woods at a comfortable pace, steering clear of the bison paddock, where her scent tended to have an unnerving effect on the huge beasts. She’d unintentionally caused a stampede when she was new to the city, running too close and upwind of the small herd one night. They’d raced in panic from one end of the enclosure to the other until she’d gotten far enough away that they no longer scented her.