Daring to Love: A Contemporary Romance (The Armstrongs Book 3) (5 page)

Evan finally reached her just in time to catch her in his arms when her trembling legs gave way.  She was shaking uncontrollably and he felt a sting in his chest when he spotted sheer agony and terror on her face.

Her breathing hitched.
Holy crap. If this isn’t a full blown panic attack. What am I supposed to do
?

Now he chided himself for not paying better attention to the obligatory yearly first aid training his coach made them go through.

He gently sat her down on snow, took off his jacket and then picked her up to sit on his jacket. Once she was seated, he squatted next to her and unzipped her tight overall so that she could breathe better. Next, he lowered himself down to sit behind her, wrapped his arms around her and then pulled her into this chest. Leaning down, he whispered softly in her ear, “Breathe in. Breathe out."

When she began to follow his lead, he felt a huge sense of relief. He continued to hold her in his arms and felt her body slowly relax as she calmed down.

Moments later, he realized how hot he was feeling, despite not wearing his jacket in the cold mountain air. Apart from urge to lay her down on the ground and have his way with her right now, a peculiar emotion was filling his chest. C
ompassion? Worry? No, it was something much deeper. Like love?

The minutes tickled away, neither of them saying a word, until her breathing came back to  normal and she had completely relaxed in his arms. The urge to kiss her grew almost unbearable, but he didn’t want her to freak out again. Now was not the time to give in to his sexual attraction.

When he felt her shiver, he reached around her and closed her overall again to protect her from the cold breeze.
I’d much rather be undressing her!

But she didn’t need him pawing at her right now, she needed to calm down and feel safe once again. He moved to sit so that he could see her face.
Jesus she is beautiful! But something is horribly wrong and I have to find out.

He looked at her with genuine concern and asked, “Okay, tell me. What just happened?"

Her cheeks blushed again and she tried to turn her face away from him, but he held her tight. Looking at her brought more wants to his mind.
I want to kiss her luscious lips.

Focus, Evan.
He forced her to look at him, and she squirmed as she tried to evade his piercing glance, but finally he managed to get her to raise her eyes and meet his own. 
Her eyes are as beautiful as the rest of her!

He searched her warm hazelnut eyes shadowed by worry, looking for some clue, and almost lost himself in the depths of them. He could see some dark secret looming there, and was determined to find out what it was. "I want to help you, but you must tell me what you're afraid of."

A glimpse of knowing appeared in her eyes, "You know  already."

„I know there’s something horrible hidden behind your beautiful face. Something that makes your life a hell on earth. I don’t want to cause you any more pain, but you definitely need to get this off your chest.“

She made herself comfortable in his arms and they both stared to the faraway mountains on the other side of the valley. He remained silent, wanting to give her time to think and get her thoughts together.

A few minutes later, she started talking.

“Graham was twenty-three, just like me. We were best friends and had lots of fun together. But he also had this little devil on his shoulder, that always urged him to be reckless and take unnecessary risks.“ She paused, her breathing spiking up and her voice cracked.

Evan caressed her arm and back like he’d done a hundred times with his niece, when she’d fallen down and hurt herself.

“We had been skiing together all day since it was our day off, and the mountain had six inches of fresh powder that had fallen the night before. We wanted to take advantage of it.“

Her glance was almost apologetic as she continued, “So many times we missed out on skiing fresh powder because we were stuck with students who couldn’t handle the harder terrain. Anyhow it was getting late and snowing hard. The wind had picked up during the day. I was getting tired and wanted to call it a day.

But Graham wanted to go down the Devil’s Nose one last time. I didn't. We argued, and things ended up as they usually did. With a challenge.

Graham  called me a chicken and bet me that he'd make it down to the village first. He was so sure of himself. I begged him not to go down that run. He laughed at me and then rushed off.”

“You didn’t go with him?”

Charlene shook her head, “No. I fought with myself about following him, but when push came to shove – I chickened out. I took the safe way down. The wind sheltered slope near the gondola, where everyone else went.

Once I reached the village, I waited for him. And waited. And waited. But Graham never arrived.

After one hour, I called the mountain rescue team. They found him. Dead. Apparently he’d hit a rock with his head and died instantly.”

“And you’ve been blaming yourself for his death ever since. Right?” he asked her.

She nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks, “I should have followed him.”

“To what end?” he wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” her answer was a whisper. Evan hugged her tightly. He could feel her pain and guilt. If it had been possible, he’d squeezed it out of her body. But all he could do was to be there for her, hold her in his arms. Her pent up emotions finally burst free and she cried for a long time in his arms.

When the sobbing faded, she continued, “This was two years ago. Since then, I haven’t  been able to go down Devil’s Nose. I’ve avoided the slope like the plague, or the devil.“

She tried a to smile but miserably failed. His heart went out to her, she was such a beautiful person inside and out. 

“I just didn’t have the courage to face my guilt and shame by coming up here. Graham’s dead and it was my fault. I should have stopped him.”

When she fell still in his arms, he said, “It wasn’t your fault, you know that.” It wasn’t a question, but a declaration.  “Graham was old enough to know what he was doing.”

Evan felt ashamed of himself.
How much did my betting and reckless behavior shock her?
He could see so many similarities between himself and Graham. Adventurous. Always looking for the next challenge. Sometimes irresponsible.

Thoughts of last year when he raced down the frozen waterfall entered his mind. That had been bordering insane, he’d known it and had still done it. It had given him that ultimate thrill, the feeling of being invincible.

Heidi was right, he needed to impress. But she was also wrong. He didn’t need to impress anyone else. He need to impress himself. To feel worthy.

His reckless behavior had to stop.
I’ll stop for Charlene. Just how do I do that?
He shook his head to banish those thoughts. His first priority now was to get Charlene safely back to town. Just how would he achieve that?

Charlene tried to make sense of Evan’s silence. He had just witnessed her having a panic attack. Was he searching for an excuse to get rid of her? He had enough on his hands to deal with a neurotic woman that couldn’t keep her act together.

But then, her worries faded away when he kissed her. His lips brushed hers in a tender and loving way. Her pulse sped up at the jolt of attraction that she felt toward him. When he broke the kiss he said, "I'm sorry I took you down here. I never wanted to cause you pain."

She snuggled up against him and whispered, "It wasn't your fault. You didn’t know."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes.." she paused, "I'm afraid. How do we get back to the village?"

The concern in his face made her fall in love with him just a little more. „You tell me.“

After telling him her story, she felt much better. She’d kept her feelings locked up for such a long time, it was a relieve to share her dark secret with someone. Of course, she had been forced to talk to the police and the rescue team, but she had never told anyone that it was her own fault her friend was dead. That she had done nothing to try and save him.

I should have done something. Anything. I failed at saving my friend. I’m the worst person ever, because that’s what friends are for, right?

She knew, she needed to tackle Devil’s Nose one day. Not today. She just couldn’t do it today. But one day, she would confront her demons and she found herself wishing she could do that with Evan by her side. She felt so safe in his arm. Like nothing else mattered. As if it was just the two of them in the universe.

The easy way out would be to stay in his arms forever. But of course she couldn't, they had to go back to the village.  And because of her stupid fear, she had to go down the long cat track and it would take hours until she finally reached home.

„I’m afraid I have to take the long way around. But you don’t have to go with me. I’m fine. You just ski down this run, ok?“

Evan reacted upset, „No way, I’m not going to leave you alone. I got you into this, I’ll get you out of it.“

Her lips curved into a smile. Wasn’t he sweet? She hadn’t wanted to force him to stay with her, but she was infinitely thankful that he wanted to come with her.

His finger traced her smiling lips and he added, „By the way, I enjoy being with you. Especially when you make that damn cute smile.“

Then they began the long trek down to the neighboring village. Once there, they shouldered their skis and walked back towards Eagle Mountain Village, their skis becoming heavier with each step. But soon they spied the bus and were able to finally sit and rest for the remainder of the trip.

When they reached the village, she turned to him, “Do you want to come home with me?”

He looked at her and shook his head, “Charlene, I'd love nothing more than to go with you, but not like this. I want you to get to know me first. To know that I'm serious. I want you to have no doubt when we sleep together, that it isn’t just a one-time deal and then we’re done. I’m in this for the long haul and want to stay with you forever. That’s the way you deserve to be loved, and that’s the only way I want it.”

He turned me down again!
She wasn’t sure if she was sad or happy.
Did he mean it? Was he in for the long run? Or was it just an excuse?

Back at her apartment, Darcy was already waiting for her on the couch with hot tea, a running nose and a million handkerchiefs. "How did it go? I was worried, it’s so late already."

Charlene threw herself on the big sofa in the living room and sighed.

Darcy asked with a worried tone, "That bad? Was Dustin his horrible self? I’m sorry I couldn’t share your misery. But look at me, I’m wailing in my own misery.“

Charlene couldn’t help but laugh as she realized how absurd today had started. "No, Dustin wasn't there. Evan Armstrong was waiting for me." She paused for effect.

Darcy's eyes opened wide. “Again?”

Charlene answered, "Yes."

Darcy was out of her mind. She was barely able to talk because of her sore throat, but that didn’t stop her from whispering "Why? What did he want?”

“He wanted to apologize.”

“Did you sleep with him?"

She raised her head in indignation. "Of course not!"
But I wanted to.

Darcy wasn’t content with her answer. “So what took you so long then?“

When Charlene didn’t start talking Darcy begged her, „Come on. Tell a bed-bound girl some dirty details about a scorching hot sex symbol. It might just help my recovery.”

Charlene had to laugh, but she ended up telling her roommate the whole story. About the panic attack and how Evan had held her while she calmed down. She ended the story with his his refusal to come to her places. „See, he doesn’t want me.“

When she was finished speaking, Darcy looked at her and her eyes got even bigger. "Seriously? Girl, you are so clueless about me. I mean, utterly and completely clueless. If he didn't sleep with you, that means he's serious."

"How do you figure that?"

Darcy rolled her eyes, “Look, the average single male needs sex. It doesn’t have to be with someone he loves, or even likes. For most men, sex doesn’t have to include feelings.

When a man finally finds the woman he wants to marry and bear his children, his entire mind set changes. He doesn’t want her just for sex, he wants her to walk beside him. A man that is offered sex, and doesn’t take it because he wants you to get to know him, is thinking about the future. Like, fifty years into the future.”

Charlene hadn’t thought about it that way, but then Darcy was probably right. Given her track record in relationships, she was clueless about men. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach.
Does he actually love me?

“Thanks Darcy. Can I get you anything before I head to bed?”

Darcy shook her head, and Charlene air hugged her, “No offense, but I really don’t want whatever bug you’ve got.”

“I don’t blame you. Now, go get your beauty sleep.”

***

Evan’s body ached with need. He’d just refused her offer to come home with her, when the one thing he’d wanted to do since this morning was to rip off her clothes and have his way with her. He started to doubt his mental sanity. He’d never refused the offer to sleep with a beautiful woman. Ever. What the hell was wrong with him?

One the way to his hotel, he passed Snow Daze and saw a few other skiers heading inside. He could use a beer .. or four.

On his second beer, Tanner showed up and started asking all sorts of questions about Charlene. But Evan wasn’t in the mood to talk about her. Heck he had no idea what was going on with him. “None of your business.”

Tanner gave him a speculative look, not letting Evan’s unfriendly reply bother him. He and Evan were good enough friends that he simply changed the topic. But it was too late, Hannes had overheard them and jumped right into the conversation with a dirty comment about Charlene and her incredible assets – meaning her breasts.

Evan was about to ignore the vile comment, when Hannes followed up his words with a dirty gesture. Within a second, he grabbed the guy by the throat and menaced him, "Don't you dare talk like that about her!"

Hannes responded with an attitude, "Who are you trying to impress with this attack, Armstrong?"

Evan glared at him, increasing the pressure of his hand against Hannes’ throat. That damn Austrian knew how to push all of his buttons. Evan saw through the taunting, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Not in his red rage. This had always been his worst character trait, whenever someone pushed the right buttons, he lost control and went off like a rocket. He couldn’t stop, if his life depended on it.

Hannes huffed, "I bet you can't win in an honest fight."